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Please help

Posted by sheebah (My Page) on
Tue, Jul 4, 06 at 20:32

Hi, It has been 5 weeks since my daughters passing, how do I deal with people who say " hope you feel a little bit better",
because it irritates me to no end, how can I feel better when I just lost my beautiful girl, the grief is unbearable at times, I can't get it together, I try to stay strong in front of others but I can't!
Don't they get it?? I just lost my daughter, I will never see her get married, and never have children, I miss her so very much.
She was my only daughter.
I notice that people avoid speaking her name, I get upset about that too, she was here for 23 years, she was a human being, she is my child, I want to keep talking about her, to keep her alive.
I hope some one can give me some advice on how to deal with this, I just want to close myself away from the rest of the world, life sucks big time.
Martha


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Please help

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. I do understand how you feel, even though we all grieve differently...When Bryce died everyone would avoid speaking his name as if he never existed..I would try to talk about him..I would long to talk about him to anyone but they would sometimes change the subject. They don't know what we are going through & it is awkward to them. I don't think it is out of disrespect or anything, I just think they don't know how to respond. I found that it helped me to get grief counselling..As hard as it was for me to bring myself to go...But once I did, I felt better because I was able to talk about everything I wanted. I even feel that talking to him helps me & writing letters to him to let him know I love him & miss him. It's been just over 2 years & I still cry & have my really bad moments but I have also begun to heal. I never felt like I would ever get through but I am getting through & I do things in his memory to help me get through each day....Even though I still struggle some times more than others & always will, I know I'll see him again one day & I feel him around me. I truly hope you find peace in your heart..Come back & talk any time...This forum has helped me in many ways..I am so happy I found it when I needed it most. Take care of yourself.


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Hi Martha...I am so sad for you. Speaking the name of those who have died is what I think helps us heal. I think people want to change the subject because it is painful for them to think about it, and they think it will be painful for us, as though we could ever forget. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Come often here. We want to hear from you. Susan


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Five weeks?? I don't think anyone with a grain of sensitivity really expects you to be feeling better after only five weeks. But a lot of people are at a loss when it comes to these things: They simply don't know what to say, so very often they say something awkward, or they say nothing at all.

After I lost my daughter a wise friend who survived breast cancer said to me, "You'll be amazed at who is there for you, and you'll be amazed at who is not." She was right. Two close friends completely disappeared from my life, and some others whom I hardly knew entered it big time.

My best advice to you is to seek out those who know how to listen with understanding, and talk to them. If they knew your daughter, all the better. But a good counselor can help, too.

Stay connected here as well.

Susan


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Thank you girls for your replies, I really appreciate it, I can see that other people don't get it, and that they don't know what to say, I really do, but it is painful nevertheless.
We don't get much support from family here, My husbands mum only rang once, I know she is old (83) but she is still capable of doing things, she goes shopping cleans the house etc, but to not even call my husband and to give him some support is not right! he is very hurt by this and I don't blame him.
The rest of the family don't call much either.
My family lives in Holland and they have called many times.
We have been to see a grieve counsellor once, and we are going to see him again later in july, we can't go earlier because he is on two weeks holiday, it helped a little so I look forward to going again.
He also suggested writing a letter to my daughter, I will do that when I feel up to it.
Would you guys mind if I posted a photo of my daughter??
I started a scrapbook a while ago and really enjoyed it and my daughter saw all the pages I done and like them, but now I feel guilty about doing any kind of crafts at all, I want to dearly finish her album so her brother has a beautiful memory of her always.
I know that the reason I feel guilty is because she loved arts and crafts too, but a different kind, she loved painting and sculpting and she was very good at it too, but she didn't think that, she had very low self-esteem when it came to compliments, we always told her she was very good at what she did but she never thought it was good enough.

Her boyfriend of six years is devastated too, he is the one who found her, she had collapsed on the bathroom floor, he came home after a 12 hour shift at the prison where he works as a officer.
He has moved out of the home where they lived together and he now lives at home with his mum and stepdad.

Thanks again for all your support
Martha


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Martha, I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I too, have lost my only daughter. It is very painful, I know. Before we lost Christin, we didn't "get it" completely either. No one can possibly conceive the intensity of the grief unless they experience it also themselves. Likewise, if we haven't lost a spouse or sibling or parent, we can't completely know that pain either. It's all hard, but different for each loss. We had someone tell us that they knew how we feel about losing our daughter because he had lost his dog and was so sad!! Nope, he didn't "GET IT" at all. I guess we just have to grit our teeth and chalk it up to ignorance when people say things like we should be better by now. They just don't know any better.
For me, the best therapy was talking to other bereaved moms. Even counselors who know all the book stuff can't relate if they hadn't lost their child also. They know what they should tell you in order to get past certain issues, but they have not experienced it first hand. They can't empathize like another mom can. They are very helpful in some instances, but for me, I preferred to talk to someone who had experienced what I have.
Again, I'm so sorry for you loss. Do you have any sons?
Please come here any time. We can all help each other.
Lu

Here is a link that might be useful: Christin Cosby Memorial Web Site


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Thanks Lu, I'm the one who posted the fountain with the heart.
I do feel better when I talk to other parents who have lost a child also, I feel a lot of pain for them, but they are the only ones who do understand.
I have lost both my parents, and a babyson 20 years ago.
I know what you mean about the dogstory, how can people be so ignorant and compare the two??
we have lost 2 beautiful dogs way to early and yes we were very very sad, but NOTHING compares to losing a child.
When we lose a parent we lose our past.
When we lose a spouse we lose our present.
When we lose a child we lose our future.
Every loss is painfull,and I have gone through losing both my parents, but a child is different, it's like some one pulled my heart out and left an empty space.
I do have another 18 year old son, thank God.
The grief counsellor we saw has lost a child many years ago so he does know what it feels like, but I agree if the counsellor never experienced such a loss I don't think he/she would really able to help.
Lu, I don't know if you saw this in my earlier message, but do you think it would be alright to post a photo of my daughter??
Thanks again,
Martha


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Hi Martha...I'd love to see a picture of your daughter, and I'd love hearing more about her. I so enjoyed seeing the photo of the heart coming from your fountain. I think you're right; no one can have the kind of compassion you get from another grieving parent. I lost my dad 26 years ago, my mom died a year ago, and my best friend died at age 26 more than 30 years ago, but nothing prepared me for the loss of my son and granddaughter 3 years ago. There is no pain in the world like that. I,too, have been told "I know what you're going through; my cousin/aunt/mom/dog died and it broke my heart." I'm sure those hearts were broken, but nothing breaks your heart like losing your child. I know people mean well, and I think lots of times, people just don't know what to say. I think saying simply "I'm sorry" is the best thing to say. The very best thing is when people let me talk about my boy and granddaughter or when people who knew Dave at various stages of his life tell me things about him. The worst thing is when people tell me how glad they are that I've gotten over it. We will NEVER get over it. Just because I can talk about Dave and Millie without crying doesn't mean that I don't still cry plenty in private. I'm so sorry for your pain. Please come here often. We're all ready to listen.


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Martha, I can't tell you how sorry I am about your dear daughter. I know how insensitive people can be - my twin sister died 6 years ago (July 3, 2000) and my very best friend said, "Get over it. She was ONLY a sister." I've learned that the hole in my heart will always be there and I'll never "get over it!" Hugs to you, and I'm glad you found this group.


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Sheebah,
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I am not in anyway going to try to minimize it with what I am going to say here (I have not gone through this type of loss personally, but have gone through it with a friend), and MAYBE the person was asking ONLY to see if you were finally able to ONE day sleep a little better, or ONE day eat ONE normal meal, or ONE moment smile at a beautiful memory of your lovely daughter. I would ask my friend how she was doing to see if she had actually slept more than a couple hours that day, because if she did she physically felt a little better. If she didn't throw up from grief that day, she felt a little better. Just another way to look at it, and maybe this isn't how it was meant, but I hope it was.

Again I am not trying to minimize your loss, I'm sure she was a beautiful girl..inside and out. Find those friends and family who will let you talk about her (My friend and I talk about her son all the time, she loves it knowing I won't ever treat Matthew as if he never existed!!!)and talk talk to you about her. Time will make grief hurt less, and each person's time table is their own, so don't let people tell you you're taking too long! You do this on your terms.

Vickey-MN


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evatx, when I read your reply, I had my mouth wide open, I cannot believe how people can be so insensitive, how could your best friend say "she is only your sister, get over it!" whatever happened to compassion?? I told my husband and he just shook his head, unbelievable!!!!
Thanks every one for your reply!

Here is a picture of my girl!
Picture
Martha


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She's beautiful, Martha. Thanks for posting her picture!


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What a lovely young woman. She has a friendly, open face. I'm sorry for your loss.


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Martha, she's just lovely! What was her name? There's something about her face, what Socks called open--good word--that looks so familiar to me. She looks wonderfully approachable. And I believe she still is. Your daughter and her fine qualities are surely very much alive, more alive than ever, in another realm.

Thank you for sharing her picture with us.

Susan


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Martha,
First I want to say I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. She was very pretty! I am glad you posted this picture. It was interesting to read what others said about how people act at times like this. I think it is uncomfortable and they don't know what to say so they open their mouth and these words just come out. I am sure they really care about you. I probably have done it too and I hope in my effort to say something to a person suffering I have not hurt them more. That is why some people just disappear I think. I can't imagine the pain of a loss like this. When my cousin died at a young age his mother spoke about him all the time using his name. I think that kept him alive and real to her. It took her a long time to say his name without breaking down and eventually she did. I know she never really got past it but just learned how to live her life with it.
Martha - I wish you lots of peace and love in your life.


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Thanks everyone for your kind words,
Martha


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Your girl is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing her photo with us.


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Martha, your daughter is just beautiful! I mentioned in another post that my husband and I lead a grief group...it's really only for people grieving the loss of a child.....and I have to tell you that just about every week, at some point we talk about people that don't get it! I talk about Alissa when I want to, I figure she was with us for 13 years, she existed, she will always be a part of our lives....for some people it is a relief because they miss her too and want to talk about her but are afraid.....and I agree with others, you really figure out who your friends are......we have some good friends now that we didn't know that well before, when Alissa was sick in the hospital (and in a drug induced coma), this friend brought her harp and played outside of Alissa's ICU room. She played at Alissa's viewing, at the service and recently, at a memorial service the pediatric units had for all the families who had lost kids. I was hurt at first by the ones that weren't there when I needed them, but now, I focus on the ones that are.


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I stumbled on this page from the garden page and I must say I am in tears reading this about you losing your precious daughter. She is absolutely a stunning and beautiful woman and I know she is looking out for you everyday. She is beside you and is comforting you. The pain is there always, but know she loves you and doesn't want you to hurt. You have an 18 year old son who loves you and needs you too. God bless you and your family.

Todd


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I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a child is a tragedy we all hope to avoid and now you're experiencing this pain.

Your daughter is very beautiful and she evokes a spirit of warmth and kindness in her picture. Thank you for sharing.

This is a most unusual photo because even if I move my head or tilt it in a different direction, her eyes seem to always be looking at me. Did you ever notice this?


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Sheebah,
I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. I understand completely about people who just don't 'get it.' To be kind, consider that unless you've lost a child you really can't completely understand the depth of such a loss.

I have several friends who have lost children. I wept for them, with them. I tried to not say anything insensitive. I called them, took them out. I hope I was a small comfort for them. I thought I 'got it.'

Then, in October of 2000, my own child died. Now I get it. Right between the eyes, to the breath-sucking core of my soul I get it. Everyday, every thought, every heartbeat screamed his name. Those same friends were there for me with a comfort I found nowhere else.

With deep sadness I realize how well-meaning, but superficial my understanding was before my own loss. I don't WANT anyone else to have to learn, first-hand, the enormity of this loss. I wish it ended with me and that no other parent ever had to experience this pain.

Six years later the words of a friend have proven true. He said, the first year is the hardest, it won't always hurt this badly. Although I couldn't fathom it then, it is true. The loss changes you, becomes part of you, softens you. It's always there, just not as raw and hemmorhaging as that first year or two.

You may find solace at this site. Many here 'get it' right down to the cellular level. Open your heart and vent. And remember, it won't always hurt this badly.


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Thank you again all of you for your kind words, I find this site very helpful, everyone on here has lost a loved one so we all know the pain each one of us feels.
Yes I had noticed that Tamara's picture was unusual in the sense of that no matter where I go her eyes follow me around, I love that photo of her!
I know she is with her brother in heaven, I have no doubts about it whatsoever, and I know I will see them again.
We also got a sign of her 2 days after the funeral, we have a pond in the backyard and the fountain is always a domeshape, always!! the 2nd day after her funeral we went outside and saw the fountain had changed into a heartshape, ( tamara always drew hearts at school) we couldn't believe we got such a beautiful sign, it only lasted 1 hour and it returned back to normal, it has never done this before and it has never happened again since!
I will post this again for those who haven't seen it,
Martha

100_1737


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