Sally I love those. The last one I can relate to. A couple of years ago I was talking to my sister in law, we had been discussing how hard it is to be in love sometimes. We didn't know anyone was listening. That's when my nephew popped around the corner and said "Aunt Lana, you should have ran away before cupid shot you" LOL

Toobadsmom, I am so sorry for your loss. I do understand much of what you are feeling. My 30yr old son died almost four years ago and was cremated. His wife gave me a tiny urn with some of his ashes which I still keep in the pillow I sleep with at night. She keeps the rest of them at her home until my grandson is old enough to decide what he would like to do with them (he is 11 now). When he makes a decision, then I plan to add those I have so they can all be together. When my time comes, I will go to the same place. My second son is going to be building his own home this year and has already planted an oak tree on the block. Beside this tree we are going to make a little place for Glenn's ashes which I have but in such a way that we can retrieve them if they move from this home. I have agreed to this because it is what Brendan wants and I will do whatever I can to ease his pain a little. It is such a shame that you are being pressured in a way to do something you do not wish to do but perhaps your living son needs to do what his brother wished for his peace of mind and for the good of your relationship. Our living boys have suffered so much and I am sure our boys who have gone ahead don't want to be the cause of more heartache. Would it be possible to divide the ashes, honour your son's wishes (if you have no reason to doubt your other son's words) and have the remaining ones mixed with yours and released to the river when the time comes. You have to make the final decision and no-one can force you to do anything you don't want to do but remember you could perhaps be healing and freeing both of the boys you have loved and nurtured. Your son is in your heart and nothing can change that. (((Toobadsmom))). Elspeth

Now that I have completely read the entire thread, I have one more comment. As far as mom putting things in the kids head. Maybe take a step back and look through a different set of glasses. This may not be mom's doing. He is 6. My dd was saying these things to me and to her dad at age 6 and NO one was saying them to her. She is now 11 and told me just the other day, 'I wish you and my dad could love each other'. It was completely out of the blue. We have been divorced for 6 almost 7 years and it's been quite a while since she has said anything like this. She did go further to tell me that she is grateful for my dh and for her little brother but that she just sometimes wished our family was normal. I think maybe a 6 yr old talking about mom and dad together is very normal and does not mean mom is telling him to say these things. The things you would be seeing from a 6 year old if their mom was telling them things would be actual actions and not words. He isn't going to remember to recite word for word what mom said to say to dad's new girl friend. He would be angry at you, disrespectful and he would not at all listen to what you say. And he would be distant with his dad. Those are signs of parental alienation. The child would be so pulled and would shy away from affection from dad if this were happening. Sounds like he just has a lot of memories that he wants to share. In the very beginning of my divorce. I was bitter. My ex had met one lady and they moved so fast. (they are married now). I dated here and there. My friends set me up, I met a guy through work. I even got in to a relationship that ended badly. I did feel like something was wrong with me. How did this man go on and find someone to fall in love with, to move in with, start a new life with and I was just still searching. Sure it's silly to an outsider but according to my therapist I am a very normal person with very normal feelings. What made me even bitter was the new woman was wanting to 'get to know me so that I would know who was caring for my daughter'. I didn't want to know her or what she had that I didn't. Yup, that's insecurity and again very normal. My ex was back and forth back and forth. We'd sleep together and then he would go back to her two days later. She never knew any of this but I was bitter and she pegged me as the crazy ex wife that wasn't over her man. Yup, I wasn't over my husband, my ex husband, my marriage, my divorce, my family, my broken home but he was but not really because he couldn't stay put. It was very hard and after a couple of years I met a wonderful man and I'm very happy with my life however there is still that little pang of, my daughter has two mom's. When she was born I never Invisioned that. Had I known, maybe I would have held her more or maybe I would have taken more pictures. Maybe I would have watched her sleep more because I would have known that I would miss many nights of having her in the next room. Divorce is hard on everyone and just because someone still has feelings and might seem bitter doesn't make them a bad person or crazy. I didn't want to hang out and have coffee with this new person. I didn't want her in my face. I didnt want her to answer the phone when I called because I surely was not calling to talk to her. I don't think I would have felt that bitterness at all had she just let me be and stay out of my co-parenting. She thought (maybe she thought I don't know) that I wanted to know what my daughter was doing when I wasn't around and honestly no, I didn't want to know. I was better off being blind and dumb but she thought she needed to inform me because she was just trying to let me know what kind of nice person she was. Nope I didn't want to know. And I really think had she just stepped back and stopped rubbing her new little life in my face, I could have just been blissfully ignorant and not felt bitter. I bet if you just step back and not even show yourself at all to her, that bitterness will die down. Don't answer the phone when she calls. Don't do pick up or drop off. Don't send emails. Just be your BF's girlfriend and the mom to your kids. Be kind to his son and love him be there for him and she will see that she didn't need to be bitter and her insecurities were unfounded. It took me a year or two to realize that I am in control of me and my relationship with my daughter is about me and me alone. I am the only one that can ruin what we have. But it does take time after a divorce to feel secure in that. I felt like a failure in many areas. But after a while I realized I am not.

"Let me just clarify - there are NO health concerns regarding the scattering of human cremains!!" Well actually, cremated remains are extremely high in pH and sodium, plus likely some heavy metals, too. So basically, they could be classified as toxic herbicides, lol. "burying ashes in concentrated amounts will have harmful effects on the environment. This is due to the fact that the pH level of the cremated ashes is extremely high and will not allow for the natural release of the good nutrients within the cremated ashes. In addition, cremated ashes also contain sodium in amounts that range from 200 to 2000 times what plant life can tolerate. We know the detrimental effects of sodium on the human body. Plant life is no different. These high pH and sodium levels are the two main reasons why burying ashes is toxic to plant life. During research, it was discovered that regular soils and potting soils alone cannot address the toxic effects of cremated ashes." "the exact percentage of certain elements within the cremated remains varies according to the individual. No two samples of human ashes will be precisely the same in terms of elemental composition. This is due to the fact that a multitude of environmental factors can influence absorption. For instance, highly industrialized areas that experience acid rain will have a lower water pH. This lower pH allows for elements including copper, lead, and cadmium to potentially enter the drinking water and thus be ingested by people residing in the area. For similar reasons, people of lower socio-economic status who live near factories experience increased exposure to heavy metals. These trace elements are then absorbed by the skeletal system and will later be present in that individual’s cremated remains. Other elements that could be present in human ashes in varying levels include arsenic, lead, silver, potassium, lithium, selenium, and vanadium. All of the unique habits and environments experienced by your loved one during their lifetime leave a distinct elemental fingerprint on their skeleton which is then present in their ashes after the cremation process."