Oh sweetie, that was your mom alright, showing you she is still there in spirit with you and always will be. I am so sorry about your mom. Nothing I can say will make it better or bring her back. I wish I could perform that miracle for you. Know she will always be with you and in your heart. My mom's been gone just over 2 years and I still can't believe it. It is so far from being 'real' in my mind even still. She gave birth to me and was the closest spiritual person to me in my life. It just sucks. Please take care of yourself. Duane

i'm so very sorry for your loss. i lost the love of my life just a little over 2 years ago so i know how you feel. rather than repeating myself ad nauseum, i am going to give you a couple of links to threads that address this sort of loss... http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/load/grieving/msg121433251937.html?15 http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/load/grieving/msg0220191119055.html?8 you will find a lot of sentiments in these threads, things that you are thinking and going through right now. i wish you the best and i can tell you it does get better with time. ((((hugs)))) to you in your grief.

I have been trying to help my husband. He hasn't shown any grief since the day he had to see his father's body at the funeral home. At the funeral he was the only dry-eyed person. I have been doing everything around the house, and anything I can think of to make things easier on him. But I am about ready to snap. NOt at him but at the insensitivity of other people. It is crazy. First, the my FIL's sister (in her 50's) posted an invite to his funeral on facebook. It was supposed to be a private family graveside service because my husband's mother is in a very fragile state right now. It was such a shock and she is not doing well. So two days before the funeral it is found out that his family now has to get together enough food to feed about 50 ppl because my FIL's sister invited all these people to the service and get together afterward. They did NOT need the extra stress of having to do this!! And a simple thing- my parents decided to send flowers my MIL's house even though they really don't know her. My mother asked ME to send them (because I could pick out something she'd like I guess) so I called a local florist and asked that the flowers be delivered to the house on the day of the funeral. The florist calls me back the day of the funeral to say they couldn't get the flowers I wanted in that day so they would be delivered the next day. I didn't want to argue so I said ok. There are more important things. But then I get another call that evening saying the flowers wouldnt' be delivered until TWO days after the funeral. I spoke with the owner who was VERY rude. When I said the flowers were for a funeral he corrected me and said "No they are not for a funeral, they are being delivered to a home address." Yes, dumbass but they have a sympathy card with them. He then asked what the address was even though I'd already given it to the person who took the order previously. He went on to say it wasn't his fault (I wasn't even upset at this point) that his supplier was late and all he could do was have me select another arrangement and he "Might" be able to deliver it by the next day. I found another florist and called him back and asked him to cancel the order. He said he'd already made arrangements to get the flowers I needed (still two days late) and I told him I just wanted to cancel the order please and he said whatever and hung up on me!! Stupid, but I just broke down crying. And at the service, the strangest thing was that my MIL did not want to watch her husband's urn be buried in the dirt (her kids and grandkids wanted to watch) and I definately don't blame her. She is still thinking of him as a person who is alive or has characteristics of being alive and to see that would just kill me. She started bawling and told everyone she had to get out of there and NOT one of her kids escorted her away. MY FIL's sister who posted the thing on facebook took her away. It also seems that my MIL does not want to hear any good things about her husband from anyone. SHe is very angry toward him (probably for leaving her alone) and if anything nice is said she gets mad. So I say nothing. I just don't know what to do.

You all have had so much grief of your own. Thank you for taking the time to hear about mine. Right now, I'm feeling numb and overwhelmed. I'm worried about my mom. She doesn't want to go one without him. She actually is taking the focus on everything that happened at the hospital. She has no idea and I don't want her to. We all are just pretending for her sake. I understand that my sister wanted her grown children and their spouses to see dad before he worsened, but they ignored his requests, and he is the patient. I just don't get that. I let my son see him after we knew we were losing him, of course that made them angry, but at that point he didn't care so I wasn't ignoring his requests. But so many things were said to hurt me. No our relationship wasn't strong and open before my dad became ill. We all have gone our separate ways. My mom and dad were the hub that kept us all together. When my mom is gone one day, I doubt that we will ever see each other. I long for a relationship with my siblings, but I am so tired of being hurt. It's gotten to the point that I think life is too short to spend it on people that hurt me and fall short of my few expectations. I think they resent me for moving 16 hours away for 5 years, now I am just 4 hours away. In fact, my brother made reference to my not being there at the hospital, although I dropped everything to put my mom and dad first. It also seems that being the youngest, my family would love it if I was naive and weak, instead of intelligent and independent, as well as very close to my parents. My sister (oldest) has hurt my parents many times with her impulsive mouth and calls later crying and apologizing. I just can't deal with it and I don't want to. It seems like we will just go on having this polite sterile conversation for my mom's sake. It's all sad and it's getting in the way of my grieving for my sweet dad. Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I am so new at this kind of grieving. There are so many layers and so many things to grieve about. The worst is how my sweet daddy suffered. I never expected him to ever suffer like that and I want to forget it. And I want to forgive myself for not doing more, and I can't seem to get past it.