It's been almost a month since the accident. It could have been any one of those boys that was with him... they had all jumped off that cliff into the water many times. But it was my brother's first time. He was a very handsome and athletic 17 year old. He loved adventure. He jumped off of an 80 foot cliff and fell to his death... because he was leaned a little too far forward he was knocked out. My beautiful strong brother drowned.

And I don't know if I'll *ever* just "get the **** over it", as some in my life have so callously suggested. I can't. I lost my big brother when I was 14 (I'm 22 now). I watched him die of leukemia. I never, never thought it could happen again. I still can't believe I'm alone in this world, that both of my siblings are dead. I moved home to be with my mom and people are critisizing me for that.

I don't know, I guess I just feel so alone, like no one except her understands and I don't want to burden her with my grief, as she is nearly dead herself from a broken heart. Here's something I wrote about Dan.

"You felt the rush
The same one we felt together, suspended in the air with Mom between us
On that safe drop, the harness, then flying through the air
At first you were scared
You wouldn’t pull the cord
But when we fell, you loved it

I used to play Airplane with you
My feet digging into your smaller chest
Your soaring smile above me
I love you, little brother.

When I climbed down the ice pit last summer
And couldn’t get out
You helped pull me out with your strong arms
Your strong arms couldn’t save yourself.

I know you were scared to jump.
But you saw it done. You saw how they landed. Feet first.
Feet first, Danny! Feet first.
"Alright guys, I gotta make this jump".
Your very last words.
And as you fell, you leaned forward
You didn’t scream
You didn’t scream because you didn’t know, and so
All the way down, you felt the rush, the thrill
Expected to plunge and swim back up
So we could see your beautiful eyes open again.

Popping over that snow jump we made, you landed it every time
I saw air and shafts of sunlight between your flying body between the sky
I saw your smile
A million times I saw you,
And now I want to write every one
Must write them to remember you by.

Rather than the first, I’ll start with the last
As it torments me more than any other
Your sweet smile and gentle eyes – NO MORE
All that filled you up inside and lighted you was gone.
I heard our father’s muffled cry through the wall
And saw mom and dad backing away from your body in horror.
I went to be alone with you.
Your head was supported by no soft pillow, only a styrofoam block
You wore a hospital gown so we wouldn’t have to see you in your swim trunks.
I pulled the gown to look at your chest.
A huge gash where they emptied all your life fluids
I know they had to do it to keep you looking good, but…
Since it was never meant to heal, they used such rough stitches
Like rawhide, the thickest stitches I’ve ever seen

I looked upon your face. Sweet brother, the cream was applied all over, over your orifices too
Your handsome dark eyebrows and those think eyelashes I was so jealous of
Were covered in white cream
Your eyes and mouth seemed to be lacquered shut
I know, because I touched you a lot.
Your eyes were closed, will stay closed
Those lashesresting on your creamy cheek
Your eyes looked peaceful enough…
Except for the purple bruise under the left one.
But your mouth was drawn in anguish
In anguish, little brother
By the way your lips looked
I could tell you breathed in water.

Not right, it’s not right, you didn’t look right there
It was you, but it wasn’t
Just the case of you
And the case was so stiff, so cold
Your hard muscles felt so different in our last embrace
I fairly laid down next to you, my head on your cold chest
My hands running through your soft, sweet smelling hair.
I wanted you to embrace me too, but your arms were stiff
Your hands sort of clenched and slightly raised from your torso

Og god Danny, no
No no no no no

And I couldn’t go… I kept trying to walk away
After I covered you to the neck again with that white sheet
How you shined under the light, that ****ing cream
Made you glisten and you looked so handsome
Such a handsome young man should never be lying on a table like that. You should have come back, Danny

Why cant you come back
Please
Please
My tears burn like acid on my parched face
I’d give anything to take your place
You saved my life and lost your own

Don’t drown, Danny, don’t drown
Hit the water right
Don’t be scared, water is soft

The very first…

They gave me a coloring book about babies
As I waited for your arrival
But you didn’t look like the cute babies in the book
All wrinkled and fat, and noisy, you scared me
But I learned to hold you and care for you
I became a big sister when I met you".

If someone could guide me, I would like to share his picture as well.

I'm so sorry this happened to both of you.

Susan

If your photo is on a web site or you have an account at a site that allows sharing, it can be linked here in the box that says 'Optional Link URL.

Or, if you want, send it to me and I'll post it for you in the messages.

Nell

Nell

About Christin, and Dan... it seems to me a very similar thing in that they were both extraordinary people and we knew it when they lived. Every time I saw my brother I knew that there was something so special about him... in spite of the abuse he endured up until the day of his death. He never turned it back on me and mom, and he wouldn't leave his tormentor when he turned 16 out of love.
So both of their young lives ended in acts of love.
I think you know exactly how we feel, especially the part about the future of the family... Dan will never have children now, and my children will never have cousins from my side.
Dan and I were close like Todd and your daughter. He always stuck up for me... in so many ways I see him now as a sacrifice, because his death gave me the strength to finally get out of a 5 year abusive relationship. I couldn't explain it at the time but now I know that I had to do it for myself and make it work no matter how much I was dominated... coz I have a choice, and Dan really didn't.

He was just so mellow and so sweet, he never yelled at me like Dad and my ex, he strove to be something different and always, always he was working towards his future, when he could be free without hurting the man who hurt him.

We tried to come here to help my father because we thought God wanted us to. But my father has not let Jesus change his heart... and we got in a terrible fight last week where he was holding me hostage in a vehicle, yelling at me... I begged him to stop but he ended up saying the most horrible thing to me... he said 'you can just go jump in front of a bus'! So I ran away and now I have driven the wedge becaus I dont want to risk it anymore. I felt in that moment exactly what he meant: he wished I had died instead of his perfect son. He takes the credit for Dan's goodness, he thinks he was the perfect father.

I wanted to be closer to him and I needed him but he really hurt me and now I dont know what to do.

Dan was going to go to aeronautical school to become a pilot. At first he wanted to be in the Airforce, all his life actually but he changed his mind when Ronnie died - he didn't want to put my mom through that again.

Living with my dad, he made him work all the time, since he was 11 or 12. Dan had $37,000 saved up towards his college tuition.

Now my father has put my mother, who agreed to come help him with the business he and Dan built, in a financial bind... he is using this as an opportunity to get back at her now, 12 years after she left him. Dan would be rolling in his grave to know that my dad is doing this, absorbing all his money and not being fair to my mother. It's not about money, it's about the fact that we came here because we thought his heart would change but it hasn't. It's a bad situation indeed. Luckily I found a job right away as a cocktail waitress at a casino so I can help my mom.

Anyway I have gone on, but it does feel nice to share with people who understand. I wish we could have grown together instead of being this way, my father and I. But I feel that he set me so far back in healing that I must remove myself from his presence for awhile.

deb

Things I’d Like To Say

Some things I’d like to say
But first of all to let you know that I arrived okay.

I’m writing this from Heaven, where I dwell with God above
Where there’s no more tears or sadness, there is just eternal love.
Please do not be unhappy just because I’m out of sight
Remember that I’m with you every morning, noon and night.

That day I had to leave you when my life on Earth was through,
God picked me up and hugged me and He whispered, "I welcome you".
It’s good to have you back again, you were missed while you were gone,
As for your dearest family, they’ll be here later on.

I need you here so badly as part of My big plan.
There’s so much that we have to do to help our mortal man.
Then God gave me a list of things He wished for me to do,
And foremost on that list of mine is to watch and care for you.

And when you’re sad, I’m standing there to wipe away the tears,
And when you lie in bed at night, the days chores put to flight,
God and I are closest to you in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on Earth and all those loving years,
Because you’re only human they are bound to bring you tears,
But do not be afraid to cry, it does relieve the pain,
Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned,
But if I were to tell you, you wouldn’t understand,
But one thing is for certain, though my life on Earth is over…

I am closer to you now than I ever was before.
And to my very many friends, trust God knows what is best.
I’m still not far away from you, I’m just beyond the crest.
There are rocky roads ahead of you, and many hills to climb.
But together we can do it taking one day at a time.

It was always my philosophy and I’d like it for you too
That as you give unto the World so the World will give to you.
If you can help somebody who is in sorrow or in pain,
Then you can say to God at night "my day was not in vain."

And now I am contented that my life it was worthwhile,
Knowing as I passed along the way I made somebody smile.
So if you meet somebody who is down and feeling low,
Just lend a hand to pick him up as on your way you go.

When you are walking down the street and you’ve got me on your mind,
I’m walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.
And when you feel the gentle breeze or the wind upon your face,
That’s me giving you a great big HUG or just a soft embrace.

And when it’s time for you to go from that body to be free,
Remember you’re not going, you’re coming home to me.

And I will always love you from that land way up above.
Will be in touch again soon! P.S. GOD sends His Love!

My mom was devastated to be here, after her head cleared. She quit her well paying corporate job to slave away for my vengeful, tyrannical father. Things were not looking good - on top of the grief she had to suffer his abuse to pay the bills. She was depressed and felt she made a huge mistake in the wake of the grief. I felt bad b/c I insisted that God wanted us here, to help my Dad (before he betrayed us) to be where Dan was, to be in this small town away from the city, away from my ex bf. I prayed and I really thought we were doing the right thing. Even at the worst I encouraged her that somehow, God would come through - I could feel it.

And He did. Out of a pool of 462 applicants in a town of 50,000, *my mother* was chosen to be the business manager/instructor for the only scuba diving school in the entire area. Her new job is about as awesome as they come. She not only gets paid to learn a new career, scuba instruction, but will be taking 10 paid vacations a year to take clients to places like Australia, the South Pacific, Hawaii and Florida. That we moved here after Dan drowned, and now she has a new career in *underwater life support* is not lost on me. Praise God - if that isn't direct evidence of his Love than I don't know what is. My beautiful mother has suffered so - this bit of security, adventure and hope for quality of life was exactly what she needed. The owner is so nice he won't ever make her dive in the huge brown river that took my brother, though it is the local attraction for his business. We also got to meet the diver who pulled my brother out of the water (bless him, if his body hadn't been recovered or recovered quickly it would have been even more tormenting) and my mom will get to be a volunteer search and rescue diver herself.

I don't know what I'm doing. I was supposed to go back to school to finish 8 credits but I blew it off - until January. For some reason I lost my motivation to go to law school. I want to do something else. I don't know what. I will keep praying and maybe God will show me the path.

I'd endure just about anything if I could have him back. Death is so unforgiving. A few minutes of being underwater, unconscious, and you can't come back. I've been re-reading "The Lovely Bones" and I really like the way that novel describes Heaven. The little murdered girl wonders why her dearly beloved grandparents aren't in her heaven. It's because she can't let go of watching people on Earth - her family, the investigation, her school. I like to think that Dan is here sometimes, I can almost feel him. But when he is not, he must be enjoying hot rods, powdered mountains and babes in bikinis. There must be babes in his heaven.

I am waiting to find the perfect landscape tattoo artist, and then I will get a memorial tattoo in Dan's honor. It will be a silhouette of a snowboarder popping off an impossible cliff, with a burning, brilliant variegated sunset in the background. Dan Krueger, 1986 - 2004, it will say. He was such a good brother. I'm so grateful God has shown himself to me in the blessings and messages, so I know Dan continues on and I will see him again. I just wish he could "enjoy" life. Maybe heaven has all the good parts of life and none of the bad. But you can still feel things. I mourn the loss of his feeling - he loved to feel. We all do. That Dan's opportunity was taken away makes me feel like I should make the most out of life - but I don't know what to do. I'm just saving all the money I'm earning, and being here for mom.

Thanks for caring, Lu, and I hope you all are holding up okay.

Oh man, now I'm looking at the pictures to post the link. Pictures hurt so bad. These basic ones I've seen, I can hardly bear to look at them, and trying to look at the hundreds of family photos we have in the closet is like trying to breathe underwater. I just can't do it yet.

CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY

Man, it hurts.

I can see how it would upset you that your brothers friends don't call. Bryce was with the babysitter and her friend at the lake. She loved him to death and calls all the time. It is comforting knowing she really cared. I wish she didn't feel guilty because never for one second did I blame her.

I really believe God has a plan for all of us. That's why we have to try to continue living our lives the best we can.

Good for your Mom!! I'm really glad she has found something that might make her happy. And I think you are a Godsend to her. I truly believe Dan is there with you. If you feel it in your heart that's all that matters. I feel in my heart that my baby is here with me all the time. Like you, I'm also glad God has shown himself to me otherwise I wouldn't be able to get through each day. Because of that I know I'll see Bryce again one day. I'm always trying to think of some good things I can do in his memory. Pictures are hard for me to look at too. But i am trying to figure out how to post one here for everyone to see.

It seems like we have alot in common. I'm glad I found this place to talk.