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How long does this go on

Posted by satine (My Page) on
Wed, Jul 23, 08 at 16:23

How long does the grieving go on? Does it ever become bearable? It is has been seven years since my husband of 32 years died suddenly. I have continued to work, see friends, raise our daughter from preteen to college age and function but the pain is still part of me every day. There are times, like now, for some reason that it just seems too much to bear. How do you cope when this happens? I am just so tired of feeling this way. I have been to grief counseling, joined a grief group, read the books and have done everything Im "supposed" to do. I feel like I should be past the physical pain I feel and be more able to cope. Anyone??

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: How long does this go on

Satine, I think that our loss and hurt will forever be part of us. There is no other way that it can be. Try to remember the happy times and great memories and know that God will take each of us to the other side and we will be reunited with our loved ones. It is hard to understand with our human brains. We are wired a certain way to want to stay here on earth as long as possible. But when the time is right we will be called to heaven and be with our loved ones. That fact gets me through each day as hard as it is. Stay strong and believe. I understand your hurt and like you cry every day for my mama. She understood me like no one else and loved me more deeply than anyone including my wife. As every day goes by I am reassured that it is one day closer to being with her in heaven.

RE: How long does this go on


I know that letting go of the grief even a little bit sometimes felt like I was letting go of the last thing that tied me to my loved one. Our life together was gone, but the devastation and loss was something that, even though it was crushing me, I could hang on to.

No one experiences anything the exact same way and there are no time tables for grief and loss. While counselling and support groups can be great, it is not like a school lesson that you can complete and be done with. The greater the love, the greater the grief when it is lost, and with a lifetime together of 32 years, it makes sense that you will acutely feel his loss for a long time. Try to believe that your dear husband would want only the best for you, that he would not want you to be destroyed by his death.

I wish you the best, please take care,


RE: How long does this go on

Kate and Duane, thank you so much for your responses. Seems that things will be going well for a while and then there will be a trigger-could be a change of seasons, an anniversary, birthday, a scent or just a song. I know that there is really no way to stop the grief or to hurry "through" it but I sometimes feel that it is not fair of me to still have my life and not enjoy every minute of it. I'll do what we all do-the best I can. I do thank God for all the wonderful things I have-three healthy daughters, two wonderful grand daughters, a job and home and my health. So many people have so much less. Thank you again for your responses. Satine

RE: How long does this go on

I'm pretty new at this cause the first very significant loss in my life is not very long ago. My Daddy.

Yesterday me and DH came home from a ride and passed the cemetary which was still open. I had purchased some tasty cookies. I had to stop by and visit at the grave, left Him a cookie. I know He would have enjoyed it. I find the holidays intolerable because I feel like He is missing out on the festivities. I loved to see Him happy. It simply just hurts and I don't know how long it will go on.

My biggest fear is that I might forget. That I won't be able to clearly conjure his image in my mind. I can't bear the thought of that. Also, that my Dad will be frozen in time. He will not change. I will only have the past. I may grow as old as He was when He passed.

It is a very strange feeling.

I can only suppose that we will grow used to it. Don't know. But, I can remember people speak of lost Loved Ones and how they miss them in their old age.

We need to find Joy in Life in the here and now. That is how it is meant to be.

RE: How long does this go on

Satine, I'm so sorry you're still in pain.

I think that 7 years is way too long for the pain not to have lost its sharpness;
maybe your body has forgotten how to throw off grief & needs some support.

Please check with your doctor (or get a referral from your clergy or some such) & get some physical, medical support.

Take care of yourself.


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