In November, 2003, my DH lost his fight with LC. It began with surgery Sept. 11 for a malignant brain tumor that turned out to be a met. LC, even though there was no sign of LC. He had the surgery and 25 radiation treatments then 2 weeks off before chemo started. He had lost weight but was in great spirits and the onc. said he had a great feeling that everything was going to go just fine with treatment and he needn't worry about future birthday, Christmas, etc. After the first chemo he was unable to take the 2nd due to low white cells. Over the next 10 days he went so downhill that I took him back to the hospital so he would get some platelets and boosts toward getting over the blow from chemo and built up for the next round. He went in on Saturday and spent four days going downhill and died on Thursday. Due to the optimism of everyone, us included, we never had a conversation about him dying. He told everyone that he wanted to be back to mowing and yard work by spring and we led everyday as normal as possible. I fussed at him to eat, we did nothing differently as in preparation for death. In fact, when he went back to the hospital it was not in my, or his, wildest thought that he wouldn't come home. It seems that the radiation had kept tumor growth away while he was in treatment and, once stopped, the tumors multiplied in both his lungs and new brain activity. I can honestly say that, if he had to die, I would not have had it happen any differently in most respects. We were always saying "love you", kisses goodbye, etc., and "bickering" in a humorous way, as we had our entire married life. I think if I had suspected he was not going to live I would have not been able to carry on day to day as I normally did. He would not have been the same either and we would have been morbid and miserable. As it was, he died with me fussing at him to eat so he would get stronger. I told my minister that if I had known he was going to die I would have been nicer....... What I meant was I would have stopped trying to force him to do things that I thought would help him . Sure, there are some things that were not said that I regret, not all of them sentimental...lol....but knowing now what the outcome was, I wouldn't change anything. He died knowing I loved him and I knew he loved me. Neither of us needed to elaborate and the same went for our children. It has been almost 18 months and it still is often not real to me. I am so sorry for everyone here and can only say that the fresh wound pain does go away. Some days I get bored, lonely, all of the things that come with losing your partner of almost 40 years but having my children and grandchildren in my life, albeit some are far away, makes it bearable. Would I ever want to marry again........no way! I count my blessings for the life I have and had with him but wouldn't want to open myself up again to becoming so close to someone and having to face the possiblity of loss again. Look for happy days and happy times, regardless of the outlook for the future and recovery. I think it will make the days ahead easier.

Reading all of your posts have made me realize I am not alone in how I feel about losing my Mom.. I lost my Mom Sept 10th 2010 she died of complcations of a debilitating stroke that she had a year prior.. It was my worse nightmare her dying as when she had the stroke in 2009 she didn't really know me most of the time and she had no idea where she was or what happened to her and could do nothing for herself so really i lost her twice.. I had went to visit her the night before she had her stroke and I stayed late and she walked me to the door i can remember her waving goodbye to me how did I know that would be the last time she would do that or be the same person.. I feel guilty for leaving her that night but I didn't know this was going to happen.. I always called her every morning to make sure she was up and had ate and taken her pills but she didn't answer the phone ..I wasn't concerned as she sometimes slept late so I waited a little while and called again she still didn't answer so I called her neighbor and asked if she had seen MOm and if she would go to her apt and check on her I just was not thinking anything was wrong..Her friend did and she said Mom didn't answer the door but she said it sounded like she could hear Mom's voice.. So I got myself together and went to her apt we had a hard time getting in as she had locked the screen door. When we got in I found Mom on the floor in a sort of a twisted uncomfortable position ,I said Mom what happened do you know who I am and she said yes that I was her Mom I knew something was wrong , we called the emergency squad and they came and tried to get Mom up and to stand and her legs were like rubber and she was not speaking things that made sense the apt was a mess as she had been stumbling and falling trying to stand or get some where she had bloody bruises on her arms . We got her to the hospital and they xrayed her and ran tests she had had a very bad blood clot stroke that should have killed her they said but didn't it left her paralyzed on her whole right side and plus affected her sight as she saw double it was bad.. They told me there was nothing they could do she stayed in the hospital for 4 days and then told me I had to decide something ..I knew I couldn't take care of her by myself as I had severe back problems and she was going to need 24 hr care I had no other siblings or no other family close and my Mom nor I had the money to hire someone to help me.So against all I beleived and didn't want to do i had to put her in a nursing home something I swore i would never do .. The year I had her in there was a nightmare in itself,I had to fight with them not literally but you know what I mean to get them to take care of her right I was always upset everytime I visited her as I knew things were not right I would talk to them and ask why ,they would always blame it on some one else she had MRSA twice while she was there and an infection of the colon called C-Diff both staff infections were very contagious.. I talked to people outside of the nursing home to try to get help and called the state and couldn't get anything accomplished they don't care about elderly people and maybe because Mom was on Medicaid maybe that was not good either..It just was a living nightmare I was so upset all of the time after I would leave seeing her it affected my health and I hated seeing Mom like she was as she would not want to have lived if she knew she was having to depend on someone else to do everything for her and she was totally bedfast.. I was the only one to go and visit her as all other family was far away and the nursing home knew that and i think they took advantage of it I tried to go at different times but it didn't help it was just so hard and my husband was not a supportive person for me so i was dealing by myself which was very difficult.. She very seldon knew who I was she could talk at times and sometimes she was silent I continued to talk to her..The times she knew me and was able to tell me she loved me i will cherish in my heart..I was with her the day and through the night till the next moring when she passed holding her hand and singing to her as I always did the whole time she was in there..I would try to get her to sing with me the songs she knew to try to keep her mind alert and talking.. I just have guilt of having to put her in the nursing home and how she had was taken care I understand nursing home are short staff but I think they could do better then they do ,there were a few that really cared and did a good job but most of them could have cared less and the ones that would take the time and do a good job they would let them go so sad.. I miss my Momma so much I miss her voice being able to ask her things and hugs she was my best friend and was there when no one else was always..I feel when she died a part of me went with her there is an emptiness inside of me .. We don't know how it feels to lose a parent or anyone until we experience it ourselves.. Some people can just deal and get on with it ..Lot of people don't want to hear how you feel or what you are experienceing and we need to be able to talk about our loved one it does help.. Some days are so overwheming that I don't I am ever going to be able to deal and then a few days will go by and I am ok but My Mom is always in my thoughts each day.. I know she is by my side at times or comes in my thoughts ,I really don't think it is going to get easier the pain at times is so great..It is just so lonely at times.. It is hard to keep it all in some days I will just cry alot till its all out then i will be ok ..The strangest things will set the crying in and comes on me when I least expect.. My heart goes out to each one of you that has lost a loved one and know I understand and feel your pain.. I do know that if it was not for my faith in God I would be in worse shape then i am I know that he helps and that crying and talking about your loved one is part of the grief process.

My frequency in shopping has declined over the past several years for a few reasons. And it's not because I no longer like to shop. I've always been a thrift shop and flea market junkie. I am a collector of art pottery and every so often I get the "bug" and have to go see if something's to be found. I don't buy the high end stuff -- I'm cheap and only spend a few dollars on each item. Part of the thrill is to limit the amount you are willing to spend -- sometimes I go home empty handed, but I never blow my budget. I used to make a day of it, go to several places, sometimes with a friend. When I started out in my late teens, I collected smaller things because I lived at home. As a young adult, it became a way to help me furnish my home with things I love very cheaply. I moved around a bit and it was easy to part with $5 chairs and tables if they didn't work in a new apartment. When my parents moved away, they gave me some pieces of family furniture and I parted with some flea market items. Once I purchased my house (I was 39), I was finally able to purchase furniture and artwork that I could keep for a long time. And so, I have continued to work on renovating my home and decorating it with my "finds". After 11 years, I'm just about "done" except for a few small things. And I've maxed out my pottery collection -- if I buy something new, something has to leave. There's just no more room, and there's no storage space to have the option of rotating pottery or artwork. The lack of storage, and my unwillingness to have closets and cabinets crammed with stuff has changed my attitude toward shopping over time. I have recently purged a lot of older and family things that no longer hold meaning or have lost their usefulness. I am enjoying the clearer spaces and don't have the desire to run out and find more things to fill them. I am trying to focus on new ways to express my creativity and enjoy myself with friends and family. As far as the mall goes, I get really overstimulated from all the lights and displays. There's just so much stuff I find it hard to focus -- can't see the trees for the forest. Too many choices and it's all spread out. Large department stores overwhelm me, too. This is a natural deterrent of shopping. I only go a couple of times a year to specific shops when I need certain articles of clothing that fit well and I'm not having any luck in thrift shops. So, how long could I go? I don't know the answer to that. Probably a couple of weeks. Yesterday I bought a few journal books that my husband and I use for keeping lists and a birthday present for a friend. A few days before, I purchased a new bathing suit for our annual trip to the beach. Tina

With cacti during the winter time, if you cannot provide adequate light, temps, and low humidity then you are best to put them into dormancy. Which means cooler temperatures, low light is fine and no moisture at all ! Moisture/wet soil and cool temps is instant death for many. Many cacti need the cooler temperatures to bloom! It is okay if your cactus shrivels a bit in the winter, they plump up again in the spring with small sips. While a cool north window is okay for its winter sleep, it will not work for spring/summer growth, best to put it outdoors or invest in grow lights!