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and then, out of the blue, the grief returns...

Posted by Bill_Wilson (My Page) on
Fri, Jul 30, 04 at 15:23

It's been over 7 months since Dad died. My brother & I spent last Saturday working on the front porch of Mom's house, making some needed repairs. Dad always took care of this kind of stuff. He had planned on making these repairs this Spring and it felt really strange working on his house without him there.

I got home late that evening, unloaded my truck and put my tools away. As I was leaving my shop, I reached up to grasp Dad's nail apron, which has hung just inside my shop door since the funeral. This has become a ritual for me and it serves as way to maintain some connection to him.

All the sudden, my emotions just let loose like a flood. I stood there hanging onto this nail apron, crying like a baby for several minutes. This was the longest emotional outburst I've experienced in a couple months and it caught me totally by surprise. I guess I'm just constantly amazed at how close to the surface this grief is. At times I think life has returned to normal and I've gotten over all this, then something like this happens.

I know this is normal and I'm not necessarily looking for advice or even sympathy, just wanted to tell someone and knew that you folks would understand. Thanks for "listening".


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: and then, out of the blue, the grief returns...

isnt it strange how this happens bill?this was no doubt so good for you to let these feelings flow...jamie has been gone almost 3 years now and sometimes when i really feel as if im going to be ok...something grabs me and i feel as if im suffocating with grief....your grief is so fresh for you...only being just over 7 months...thank you for sharing this with us..and THANK YOU for being a great listener


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RE: and then, out of the blue, the grief returns...

I know the feeling, Bill. That kind of thing happens here too, after 16 months. (((to you))), Derry


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RE: and then, out of the blue, the grief returns...

I'm not sure whether those feelings ever completely go away. My brother died at 29 in 1977 and there are times when something triggers an emotional outburst and I relive his death all over again. But life goes on and so do we.


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RE: and then, out of the blue, the grief returns...

Bill, yes I do understand for sure. After six years sometimes it comes very powerfully and sometimes very unexpectedly. The same thing happens with me missing Mom, but it's only been almost 2 months for that. I know that I will miss them the rest of my life. I think it is really good for you that you can let loose and cry when you need to. It's so unhealthy to hold it in and so many men do that. Good for you! Thanks for sharing your feelings. It's too bad that more men don't come here. Maybe they lurk, I don't know. You may be more helpful than you realize.
Lu


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RE: and then, out of the blue, the grief returns...

Bill, this must have been hard - being hit with this strong emotion by something like hanging his apron. i can only imagine the many thoughts and visions you must have of your dad wearing that very apron and working around the house. and i think that is when memories flood us, and it is like they are still there "somewhere" , yet so hard to believe they are actually gone. As hard as this must have been, I think this is good you gave into the emotion and let it go...I can tell you my parents have been gone over 15 years, and an event like that will trigger an emotion for me. it can be something as simple as putting a dish away and recalling a conversation i had with my mom while she was putting a dish away. or pulling weeds, and seeing a vision of my mom pulling weeds and my dad riding the tractor. it always makes me pause, and remember the grief. but i am thankful for these times as it keeps them close in my heart and never lets me forget how important they were in my life. and after these moments pass, and my grief subsides, it is strange, but i feel refreshed that i let the emotion of remembering them wash over me. and for that i am thankful that i am hit with sudden thoughts out of the blue to make me remember.
your grief is so fresh, i could actually picture this event the way you described it. i am so sorry for the loss of your dad, and i can tell you must have been very close to him.
deb


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RE: and then, out of the blue, the grief returns...

When I get blindsided by a moment like that I've learned just to give in and let it play out. It's our way of holding on to them in our hearts, I believe, honoring their memories and acknowleging our loss.

Sometimes I think "it's been almost 4 years," but what is 4 years compared to a lifetime? It's a moment, a heartbeat, a blink of an eye. Time may put distance between us and our losses, but it doesn't erase the love.

Must be something in the air, Bill. I've been blindsided badly twice this week. Be well.

Dianne


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RE: and then, out of the blue, the grief returns...

Bill, my husband still cries occasionally about his dad, who died of cancer when he was about seventeen. I often miss my Dad because he was so supportive of me, like nobody else in the family. Boy, do I miss him a lot, and tears come to my eyes just thinking about it. Of course it's natural! Thanks for sharing :)


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RE: and then, out of the blue, the grief returns...

Wow, what a time to read this. I can't sleep, and part of it is because I just had one of these "burst". I was shocked. I know it's only been 2 months, but I do pretty well most of the time. It's really nice to know it's normal.

Vickey-Mn


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RE: and then, out of the blue, the grief returns...

Bill, I know exactly how you feel. I often think of grief like a recurrent blister on your foot. It heals over, but you're aware it's still there and every now and then something causes it to break open. Then it heals over again.

7 months is not a long time. It takes as long as it takes. The first year is always the hardest, because it's the year of "firsts." The first birthday without him, the first Thanksgiving, etc.

Hold on tight and try to make time to do something good for yourself during these times (a movie, dinner with someone special, etc.).


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RE: and then, out of the blue, the grief returns...

I always describe it as "washing over me like a wave". I don't think you can put a time limit on grief or the forms it can take. Hang in there, guys!


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RE: and then, out of the blue, the grief returns...

Bill, I kept my father's hat for a long time after he died. He was kind of old-fashioned in his dress, and wore a dressy kind of hat, even though hardly anyone else did. Every time I saw that hat, I'd burst into tears.

I hope you are doing okay.

I have kicked myself over and over because I had a recording of my father's voice, and had just deleted it from the answering machine before he died. I wish so much that I had kept it.

Wendy


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RE: and then, out of the blue, the grief returns...

I wish that,too, Wendy. My Dad had a beautiful voice with a Georgia drawl. And lots of hats. Derry


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RE: and then, out of the blue, the grief returns...

We sure do understand, Bill. It's good that you understand how normal it is. Thanks for sharing.


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RE: and then, out of the blue, the grief returns...

Bill,
What a good son you are. I am sorry for your loss and that you are hurting. I am new here and you have really helped me, but I did not know that you lost your dad 7 months ago. You know that I know what that feels like. Thanks for sharing and God bless you.


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RE: and then, out of the blue, the grief returns...

Thanks to everybody for your kind words. This site has been a blessing.

Last night I was going through some e-mail. My wife's sister sent us several pictures of our wedding 26 years ago, that she had scanned. One of them was the obligatory picture of us and our parents. I have so few pictures of Dad, this one made me smile. It suddenly dawned on me that at the time that picture was taken, Dad was the same age I am now.


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RE: and then, out of the blue, the grief returns...

This happens to me all the time. I'll feel like I'm going to have an OK day where I feel a little more in control. Then something will happen and bring back memories without even thinking of it. The other day I was walking down the street to get the mail and without even thinking I started to bawl. Bryce always wanted to open the mailbox with the key. Even though it wasn't on my mind at the time, just the memory of him doing that hit me hard.


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RE: and then, out of the blue, the grief returns...

I was driving home from work the other day and looked at my arm in the sunlight. My hands and arms are shaped just like my dad's. I started looking at them and could just see my dad's arms and hands and how they looked. In a minute the tears were just rolling down and I didn't even know it was going to happen!

(My dad died a little over three years ago and I've done so much better than I ever thought I would. Guess I had to - my mom and my brother were inconsolable and I've had to be the "strong one".)

Hugs to everybody that gets hit "out of the blue".


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RE: and then, out of the blue, the grief returns...

Bill, I thought about you yesterday. I was driving somewhere and the truck in front of me had a sticker that said, "I love Bill W."
Lu


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RE: and then, out of the blue, the grief returns...

Bill, I have done that so many times too. It's just such a precious moment and you need to cry out in pain.. even though you need no comfort.. you just have to let it out. I sob and sob.. till my eyes are sore... yet, it does not get any easier.. Oh gosh, I am so sorry for your loss.. .. just so sorry.. very touching... very very touching...


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My Dad has been gone over 7 1/2 years, and I miss him tremendously. I so rejoice that he lived as long as he did (77) but wish that I'd had him in my life longer. Even now, something can get to me, and I will cry. Hugs to you...

cocooner


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An upcoming golf tournament such as the Masters always reminds me of my Dad. He loved the game. He was always the first to admit that he wasn't very good at it, but he loved to play and be with his golfing buddies. I remember telling him that as long as he had a good time, that's all that mattered. I used to find golf balls in the fields where I walk my dogs. Of course I'd take them to him, but always balked at taking the really grungy ones until Dad told me that he'd be the judge of whether or not they were usable. So I started bringing him every ball I found. The ones that looked like they'd been through both World Wars would be used--Dad said--for the water hazards.
Little things like that remind me of Dad--there's so many more, but my point is it's the little things and thinking about them that bring on the waterworks.


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RE: and then, out of the blue, the grief returns...

Bill, I have done it again. My heart is on my string around my neck and I find myself crying again. 2 months on the 19th of Sept that my brother passed.. tomorrow, I know I will cry even more. I'm sorry.. I do need some counceling, but, I don't feel like I need to stop crying.. I want to grieve because I lost someone special.

WWJD?


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RE: and then, out of the blue, the grief returns...

Starduster,

WWJD?

He wept.


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RE: and then, out of the blue, the grief returns...

So, Starduster, you are in the best of company! Your heart is right....you don't need to stop crying for your Brother. Give yourself time. Derry


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RE: and then, out of the blue, the grief returns...

My father died 14 years ago yesterday. I cried like crazy about it. I still miss him so. He was so special, thoughts about him are special, and so he lives on in my heart. I guess it's a measure of the depth of our love for our lost ones that makes us cry so much, and because we feel them so deeply, their spirit/essence continues to be part of our daily lives as we go on.


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RE: and then, out of the blue, the grief returns...

bill had a similar moment over the weekend. i saw a blue tow truck, just like the one my dad used to have. it immediately conjured up memories of the day i had to drive it back to the lot where it had been leased, about 2 weeks after his funeral. it was very painful that day - he was so proud of his new tow truck he had.

deb


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RE: and then, out of the blue, the grief returns...

Went with my DH today while he mowed my mom's yard. She wasn't home so I just wandered around the yard and property by myself - big mistake! Saw several things that brought tears to my eyes - my dad's old Farmall tractor sitting out in the grassy field, his hammer hanging on the fence of the dog pen where he left it and, to me, the worst of all, walked out to his little workshop(no door on it) and there was a HUGE spiderweb completely covering the door opening. Inside you could see all his tools neatly hanging on the walls and arranged on the table.

My mom drives his little pickup truck almost everyday. He's been gone three years and today I saw three hooks still fastened to the truck bed. That's where he fastened his hunting dogs and let them ride in the truck with him.

Not a good day.


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My dad passed away on February 20. I'm having a hard time dealing with everything that leads up to Father's Day (all the commercials, advertisements, etc.). I'm ok for a while, then it just sneaks up on me. I can't bring myself to go to the cemetery. I think of him every day.


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RE: and then, out of the blue, the grief returns...

For me it's only been a little over 3 weeks. Lost my mother to a sudden massive heart attack. We (my dad, younger sister and I) didn't see it coming. Any how, for me I haven't had sudden burst of tears yet. Not since the first week. Though, while standing in the basement looking at the picture of her sweet face next to her urn...I have lost it 2x. Thinking of the past, the good times...etc.

As one of the members said "...it is only natural".

What I at the moment can't and don't want to consider is how it will be when I loose my father as well. As I am presently a single male. So I would only have my younger sister to rely on when that day comes. Assuming I haven't found some one, gotten married and have started a family of my own.

We all know our parents will eventually leave us. But till it actually happens to you...

My 2 cents...


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RE: and then, out of the blue, the grief returns...

This will be the second Father's Day without my dad. I've been thinking about him a lot. He was always so proud of my accomplishments. I'm having marital problems, and feel that I've disappointed him. I can't stop crying lately.


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