i'm having a rough time right now

19 years ago

need some thoughts and input from my friends. My mom is in a nursing home and I go to see he everyday, this is very heartbreaking to me and is tearing my heart out sometimes, she knows me and sometimes she doesn't. I went to see her thre other day and she started crying wanting me to bring her home, said they were mean to her and doing bad things to her. I know they aren't, but she is terrified and it is real to her. I feel like I have already lost my mother and have started grieving for her already, is this natural, or am I being a selfish daughter. When I am home I cry all the time, this is her house and I don't feel like I belong here, but current finances won't let me get another place. What should I do? Any help would be appreciated. Patty

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Comments (4)

mariend
19 years ago
It is call tough love. You are doing the best you can. You can go at different times to observe the patients. Talk to the relatives of the other patients off site. Talk to the manager or head person and tell her/him what you mom says--as to being mean etc. Talk to her Dr. No you are not being a selfish person. Do you work?? can you get either a part time job--or do some volunteer work Staying home and feeling sorry for yourself is not good.
Check with your local social service dept at the hospital for a support group
lulie___wayne
19 years ago
Patty, I agree that you should talk to others about treatment of their loved ones. This may be just delusional talking or it may be real. My aunt was in a nursing home with Alzheimers and she kept telling my cousin that they would push her in a cold shower. My cousin didn't believe her. She ended up getting an aide to stay with her mom and help out as the nursing home was understaffed, as most are. The aide told my cousin that indeed, when they would come to get her for her shower, they rushed her and would make her get in before the water warmed. Another time, they told my cousin that my aunt fell out of the bed. When my dad looked closely at the bruises and listened to exactly how it happened, the bruises didn't match up. We had reason to believe that maybe she was hit.
I'm not trying to make you feel worse or bad about what you are forced to do, I just think that maybe you should investigate.
Your mom may just want to leave this place even if they are treating her well. My mom was in her own home of 40 years and had Alzheimer's and kept wanting to go home. She didn't even recognize it as being home and we couldn't have treated her more lovingly.
You are not being selfish. We all do what we have to do. Just check it out to ease your mind.
I know how hard this is. My passed away this past June 3 and the disease is heart wrenching for all.
My thoughts and prayers go your way.
Lu
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Pesky, I didn't see your post earlier, but want to express my sympathy on this sad situation. I don't know if this might work in your case, but something I did when my dad needed help was to write letters to all of his doctors giving specific examples of his condition and the situation with my mother, who had lied to the doctors. They couldn't discuss his case with me, but I know the letters were read and most acted on them. We managed to get a geriatric specialist nurse and her assistant into my parent's condo, under the pretense of being worried about my mother's stress, and they confirmed the reported neglect and elder abuse. That led to my dad being placed in a very nice secure care facility for Alzheimer's patients. Your brother's case is clearly different, but perhaps you might be able to persuade his doctor(s) that he poses a danger to himself and others unless he gets appropriate treatment. FWIW, I'm a firm believer in gun ownership rights, and have a concealed carry permit. In this case, however, it might be a good idea to write a letter to the local law enforcement about your brother's illness, the threats he has made and your concern about weapons in the home. They might at least run a check to see if the guns were all obtained with appropriate permits or maybe some LEO would encourage your SIL to remove the weapons from the home, giving her the courage to follow through on your advice. Best of luck to you all.
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Sorry about not replying sooner! I had some trouble yesterday with certain children letting me on the computer long enough to answer emails and peek at the KT but that's it. Inconsiderate babies who don't nap properly! LOL ;) Anyway, thanks for all of the congratulations and good wishes. It is so exciting to know that we only have one more week here! Yippee! Now for the advice...motor home rental-too pricey...tenting it-this is early spring in Saskatchewan. We would freeze. There is no land because every lot is sold. Every lot. In the whole town. The "weekend" homes are an hour away and more expensive than a house in town would be. There is nothing to rent right at this moment and when stuff comes up it's snatched up in no time. I think there are people who troll the streets waiting for a rental to come up, LOL. I want Annie to go to the school in town so we have to live there. Also, Claire's preschool is there. All three Realtors know us personally and have all of our numbers and strict instructions to call if anything becomes available. And I so appreciate them for doing that. Gosh Patti, I wish you were close too! I would love for someone to play with the kids while I just laid on the couch and read a book for an hour. That would be SWEET! LOL Having time to house-hunt isn't a problem, it's the lack of options out there. :( I'm so sorry for your crummy experience Donna! We found out today that renting at the hotel is out of the question because it would be $2200/month at one and $1700/month at the other. *sigh* I don't even know if the campground is running at this time of year. We don't own a trailer and our car is too small to sleep in. :D I'm trying to see this as an adventure, and I was starting to think that staying at a hotel would be fun because I wouldn't have to clean, but darn. :) There is no one who can take our cats as our friends are either saddled with cats of their own or they are highly allergic. The hotels in town are not part of a chain, they are privately owned and thus why they can charge a goofy rate. Anyway, I appreciate every single person who responded to my thread. You are all wonderful and you are truly welcome at our house (once we have one) if any of you find yourselves in Saskatchewan. Thank you, thank you, and thank you! Danielle
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derryw
19 years ago
Dear Patty,
I can imagine that this is so upsetting....I think, like LU says, it is best to discuss all her reports with the nurse manager on the unit. She may be misinterpreting something that is done, but nonetheless, it is frightening to HER. It is their job to try to minimize that kind of thing.
I think it is normal for you to be grieving now. You have lost a big part of your lifestyle. My Mom was at home her entire illness, and I was like you....crying often because life was so strange and I missed our "normal life". Even if I took her to a movie or to shop, it was so sad because it was so different and she couldn't really enjoy it like she should have been able to, and I missed that fellowship. So, I think you are on target here, and it would be odd if you did not grieve for that.
Splitting time with the nursing home is exhausting, and exhaustion makes you more prone to saddness and depression. My sister often told me that, and I think it was true. But when you are the sole caregiver, exhaustion is an everyday thing, and there is no way around it.
Try to work in some time for yourself..things you find relaxing. Visit her as much as you feel you want to. But if you miss a visit, be reassured that she MAY not miss it. And that is to your benefit.
Of course you can always revisit the idea of bringing her home...IF you can get the help you need. It is not an impossible undertaking, and perhaps you would have more peace of mind.
I am so sorry for your turmoil. It is really very hard, isn't it.
Thinking about you.. Shalom, Derry
terrizx
19 years ago
this is a tough one...i agree with lu about doing some investigating....i would tho be afraid to let anyone there know she told you they were not treting her well...they may take it out on her...i know that here in florida there were alot of nursing homes under investigation for abuse....have you checked this one out thoroughly?i would be tempted to put a voice activated tape recorder in one of her drawers or somewhere ..i know that sounds far fetched but i guess that is just the detective side of me....too bad you are not in the position to stay at home with her ...i know that is what my sister in law on my husbands side did....or maybe she could be in a place that had fewer patients....like a alf...i am not too knowledable about this kind of thing but it would be worth checking out....my heart goes out to you...my parents live next door to me and i know how it tears your heart out to see them failing...God bless you..terri

i'm having a rough time right now

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mariend

lulie___wayne

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