Dad has moved on already?!
Oddtree2001
18 years ago
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jennmonkey
18 years agoOddtree2001
18 years agoRelated Discussions
The time has come for dad to go into a home
Comments (10)This is a tough one and I feel for you. I am taking care of my dad, who has dementia but it is very mild right now. He can still dress himself, eats really good but can't remember short term things, like what he just ate. He is not ready for a home, but I know the time will come. As for your situation I would hold off on fixing the car and some how disable the other one. You have to, he should not be driving now. Also, if his potassium levels drop again make sure he goes to the hospital, then once in there talk to the social worker about placement in a nursing home. It would be easier on you if he went directly from a hospital setting to a nursing home. He is going to argue no matter what and you have to be prepared to stand your ground. Some times you need to treat them like a child, you are now the parent. Putting your foot down will be very hard, but must be done. Get the guns out of the house NOW! I had to do this with my brother when his parkinson's got worse. I had a trusted friend of his go over and take all of them. (my brother is a former police officer). Of course he is only 59 so it was really hard for him to face being in a nursing home the rest of his life. Sit you DH down and at least try to get through to him, maybe he will listen, maybe not. But you have to get all this off your chest and it is certainly worth the try. Do you have durable power of attorney for finances and durable power of attorney for health care? If not you need to get that done pronto. I know I am not much help, and I pray you will find the strength to get through this....See MoreAnger - Dad moving on
Comments (8)That is a difficult situation. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of you mom. It's very difficult and I still struggle with losing my mom. As for your father, that's hard. I don't know how I'd react if my dad came home and said he was engaged. Based on what you've said it seems like he's afraid of being alone. I know my father is. He's come out and told me that he can't be alone and has no intention of spending the rest of his life that way. It's unfortunate that your dad seems to be choosing his new relationship over his family and seems to be disconnecting from all of you. I know I've talked to my father about not seeing him as much if he got involved with someone, etc. and why he thinks he's completely alone when he has all of us. My mom would have become very involved with my brother's and I and grandkids if something had happened to my dad first. Of course when I tell my dad that...he regards that as unhealthy! That we should have our own lives, etc. I agree he does need a life for himself...but he still has a family and he's not all alone. I've had a very hard time dealing with things and have even sought help from a grief counselor. I guess what I've learned is that my father is not my mother. He won't be there in the same way she was or even in the same way they both were before she died. It's hard to accept and deal with and sad that it comes to that but it has. I've learned to try and focus on my life...my upcoming wedding and just buying our first house recently, etc. My dad is still around and part of my life but it's not like it used to be. It's easier said then done but my advice would be to focus on your family and not drive yourself crazy or become unhappy because your dad chooses to do something else. It hurts and it's painful but in the end he'll make the decision to be involved or not. Death changes things and it's a hard and difficult road. Continue to talk your dad about your feelings and invite to be part of things. That's what I do with my father right now and if he chooses not be part of something...then I just try and think of it as his lose and go on and do what I need to do for me...or in your case it would be for you and your family. I hope this helps and didn't upset you more. That's not my intention. I'd be happy to talk about it more if you'd like. Wishing you the best!...See MoreHELP! It has finally happened - my packrat parents are moving!
Comments (20)Janet- I think TS and the others have given you a lot of support and advice. I don't think anyone once said not to help your parents. I think rather we just feel you need to rethink the way you are viewing this... change your filter if you will. Your original post gave me the impression that you felt you had to organize it FOR them, do the work FOR them, and do it all by yourself with help from DH. My thought right away was rather than doing it FOR them it should be WITH them. Maybe I just didn't understand what you were trying to get across? I agree with TS. And what you wrote in a later post indicates she is right. Your parents are very capable of taking care of themselves and of moving themselves. That comes across when you point out how much they have already thrown away and packed up by themselves. They have done more than you expected. While I think this is has the potential of being overwhelming, it really isn't your job. By that I mean, it is not your job to 'wrestle it to the ground' by yourself. Your parents will be the ones to direct this and decide what they are going to ultimately keep and not keep etc. It sounds like they are doing a great job and don't need you worrying about planning it all by yourself. In fact, I imagine they would be hurt to think that you don't think they can organize it themselves with some manual labor help from you. I guess what I'm getting at here is not a critique of what you are doing but rather a thought along the lines of - take care of yourself. Don't take more on than you have to or can take on. Allow your parents the luxery of your faith that they are adults and will do fine without your organizing FOR them. It seems that maybe you and your family, parents, sisters, etc who are helping need to have a pow wow of sorts. Sit down and tell your parents that you are worried about lots of stuff/smaller house and what can you do to help them. I imagine they know exactly what they need from you. And during this discussion would be a great time to provide your advice- a dumpster, no garage sale, etc. whatever. But as you said- every family is different. What would work with my parents will NEVER work with my inlaws. Each of us can merely offer some thoughts for you to take or not as you will. I think the idea of you and your siblings taking stuff that used to be yours back to your home is a brilliant idea. My mother in law can't throw anything away. Every year we go there we pull home several boxes of stuff to PRESUMABLY throw away. However, DH doesn't and that is another story. When I was a adult in my own home, my parents requested that I take all of my stuff out of their home. I think it is just respectful that if I want to keep it, I store it in my home. Maybe by you and your siblings taking back ownership of some of your old things would help. I also agree with much of what Steve O and Lazygarden wrote- be as efficient as possible. They had some very useful advice. When we moved my hsuband into this house and he is a saver to the extreme - we split up the rooms. I moved one room and he packed up the other. This gave me the opportunity to toss stuff and hm the opportunity to keep stuff. It cut the clutter we would have moved in half. Maybe you can do something like this? OF course, he trusted me then to know I wouldn't throw away anything he truly needed or wanted to keep. Whatever. It's late and I'm sure this won't come across nearly like I think it is. Good luck. Ginger...See MoreLet's get it out, or has this already been discussed?
Comments (31)I find it ironic, and somewhat insulting, to hear SMs referred to as the "third party". The "third party" theory may be the case when it comes to the SM who only has her SC EOW and a few weeks during the summer. But there are so many of us here who do what these BM should be doing for their own children, and choose not to. They push the responsibilty of the children on the BF, and if he is married, on the SM as well. You can sit there and say that SM should have no say and are nothing more than a "third party", but in what seems most cases on this site, it is the BM who is the "third party". It just burns me that I do everything for my SC, as I do for my DD, everyday of their lives, and I still have to hear from BM that I have no say, a "third party". Thank goodness DH has my back! So before you claim that we SM are "third parties", please consider our roles in these childrens lives. You'll find in alot of cases, we are the only REAL mothers these kids have. I agree that there are many SM who are detrimental to their SC, just as many BM are detrimental to their own kids. But I think a SM has to be given a chance to be a SM before judgement can be passed upon them. I did not have that chance before I was judged by BM. However, BM is the only one who thinks I am a worse "mother" than she is! And please don't think I have anything against BM who care for their children the way a mom should. I too am a BM who has found that it is better for my DD to work with her SM than to try to work against her. She is a part of my DD life whether I like it or not. I don't agree with alot of what she does, but by giving her respect for the role she plays in DD life, we manage to make things smoother for my child. And in the end, it is the happiness of the child that matters most....See Morelazy_gardens
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