Missing my parents

14 years ago

I miss my Mom so much today. A friend stoped by the house and I heard the dogs barking and went to see who it was. My friend has red hair like my Mom, and she stoped by my little garden patch to look at the plants just like my Mom used to. The Other friend with her looked like my aunt. For just a split second I had my Mom and my heart leapt up in my chest! It was so disorentating. When they left I went and lay back down and just cried like a child. Cried like I have not cried for a long time. Daddy had died first. I was his baby and had such a special relationship with him. I was on chemo when he was dying and I thought the life would drain out of me. I begged my Momma to stay with me for at least a year, I really said that, Momma, promise me you wont die before a year is up. She lived fourteen months. I was able to be with her, I was not with Daddy. Maybe its the different relationship I had with them as parents or what, but the grief for my Dad was like a consuming fire and I could not go out, talk about it, hear songs that reminded me of him. But when Momma died I did not grieve the same way. It hurts just as much but the grief sneeks up on me and just surprises me and takes my breath away. She has been gone a year june 18 2009.I do have days that I do not cry. Its just not today. I just want to hold her, lay my head in her lap and feel her touch my hair. I want to hear her voice, hear her laugh or tell stories. Here I sit at the computer crying like a child, sounding like a child. I am a child, in the presence of my parents I will always, all ways, be a child. I am Louise's child, I am her youngest daughter.

Comments (6)

lisamelvin
14 years ago
Hi there,

I am my Momma's oldest daughter. I lost her August 9, 2008 and that date is approaching very fast. It is very hard for me to believe that a year has already passed....I have NEVER went so long without my Momma!

Hugs (()) to you because I feel as you do.....I wish I could lay my head in her lap and have her stroke my hair, see her smile again. I feel as if the longing will never go away.

I know we will one day be together again and this does bring a small amount of comfort but I have found nothing that aleviates or fills the hole I have in me.

I have a child of my own and I love him more than anything. I know that even when I pass I will still love him more than anything and thru this, I am assured that my Momma loves me in the same way and always will. Time cannot destroy love because 'Love is more than a feeling and forever is more than a word'.

Please know you are not alone and that your parents still love you more than anything.

Blessings...
socal2010
14 years ago
I'm sorry about your parents. I just lost my Mom so I'm in the early stages of grieving for her. It feels very raw. Her birthday is next week so I'm not looking forward to that day since it will remind me of the plans we made. I lost my Dad 10 years ago. It's so hard not having parents.

The past few days I've been pretending that my Mom was rubbing my forehead like she used to do as I try to sleep. It was comforting to me. Her death was sudden so I'm still in shock. I feel like I see her out of the corner of my eye and then I realize it's a shadow or something in the house. I know what you mean about how disorienting it is. I think part of me still believes she's coming back.

The crying you're experiencing is actually good for you. It's a healthy release of sadness. Don't stop your tears! I did that with my Dad and it was a big mistake. Let yourself cry like a child. It will help you deal with this.

It sounds like you've been through your own health crisis so I hope you have people around you looking after you. I'm sorry you have to go through all this.
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mary.helen
14 years ago
My mother died in April of 2004. I feel very lonely for her today; I just wish I could go get her and bring her to my house for a long visit; or go to her place and stay awhile. I am seventy years old and have four children of my own...but somehow, nobody can take the place of mother. I just get these spells once in awhile...guess I will go to the cemetery tomorrow and sit there with mother and daddy a bit and leave some flowers for them.
youngestdaughter
Original Author
14 years ago
Dear Lisa,

Thank you so much for your kindness, and for sharing your sense of loss so like my own. You are right, the day will come when we are reunited.
What a wonderful blessing that you can feel the continuence of love through your love for your son!
What can fill the holes left in our souls?
For me it is only the Saviours love that heals my heart. We are meant to grieve, meant to interact with others and evoke deep emotions from them, we are meant to share as we all have done on this forum. It is part of our healing to know others hurt as we do... My heart is with you, sending love and peace to you, Vicki
youngestdaughter
Original Author
14 years ago
Dear Mary Helen,

Thank you for sharing your feelings. It just goes to show that when we are in the presence of our parents, we are all still children.
I have that feeling sometimes too. I want so badly to go to my parents house. but no one is there. my parents were deeply in debt and the house was falling apart. My brother and sister did not want it and I can not aford it. So it sits empty waiting for the bank to foreclose.
I have gone there and found all the doors open, its been broken into. I went inside and I don't know what I hoped to find. What ever I was looking for was not there. I sat on the floor in thier bedroom crying out loud like a small child. That is until I heard a voice asking, 'what you want? what you want.... my phone was in my pocket and had dialed the local chinese restraunt! lol Well, that made me laugh as hysterically as I had cried. I hoped that if there way any way for Momma and Daddy to know about that, that they had and had laughed with me! Both of them had such a good sence of humor.
I came to understand that I wanted was to feel loved, to feel nurtured, to be mothered. Since I could not have that, I decided to give it. The next time I had that longing to go to their house I cut flowers from my yard and took them to an elderly woman close by who had recently lost her husband. The joy those flowers brought to that woman lifted my grief... I felt that my Momma was shinning love right down on me at that moment!
I go out to our cemetary sometimes just to sit and visit. All the people burried there are relitives of mine. I sometimes try to picture the resurection and how happy that little patch of ground will be with all my generations reunited!
God bless you, and my God heal your heart, Vicki
socal2010
14 years ago
Vicki, that's such a cute story about the chinese restaurant. I'm glad you were able to laugh through your tears. Those are the moments your parents come to life within you.

It would be so difficult to deal with a house in that situation. I wish your bro and sister would change their minds. I'm staying at my Mom's house now and all her stuff is here. It's comforting, although the idea of changing anything seems unlikely. I will probably keep it this way forever if I can. It's so hard dealing with the physical part of them not being here. I look around her home almost like I'm waiting for her to come back.

Missing my parents

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