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kms4me

Feeling guilty because I miss my dog-Part 2

kms4me
12 years ago

Three years ago today, I lost my beloved dog Homer. His death was so hard for me to come to terms with that, shortly thereafter, I started a thread on this forum where I wrote of my loss, terrible grief, and how I thought there might be something wrong with me because though I had lost many people close to me, his death was the one I was having the hardest time dealing with. The day after I wrote it I felt stupid and regretted my post, thinking that others would judge me or believe it was somehow disrespectful to those who had lost people to talk of my great pain and despair after losing my dog. But instead I received messages from those who knew how I felt, who assured me there was nothing wrong with my feelings, and whose kindness and understanding did so much to help me through the loss of my darling Homer.

Though I thought the thread would fade away, to my surprise it did not. Other people in pain from the loss or impending loss of their companion animals started posting, and the "Feeling guilty because I miss my dog" thread took on a life of its own. When the original thread became full, several people who had posted on it sent me emails asking if I was going to continue it as they'd found great comfort there and were hoping that an extension of the thread would allow others to find an outlet for their grief and to receive the same kind, loving words that I did when I originally posted about Homer. So, three years later, on the anniversary of his death, I am continuing the thread. It feels right.

If you are reading this now, it is most likely because you too have lost a dog or another animal that meant the world to you. Please tell us how you feel, talk about your pet, and freely open your heart. We can't take away your grief, but we can give you comfort and the benefit of our experiences. We have walked in your shoes.

I encourage you as well to look at the original thread, "Feeling guilty because I miss my dog", as there are some wonderful stories and really good advice there and many things you can most likely relate to.

Above all else, know that you are not alone, weird, or dysfunctional. Your loss is real and you have every reason to feel what you do.

All my best,

Kate

Here is a link that might be useful: Feeling guilty because I miss my dog

Comments (102)

  • kms4me
    Original Author
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I am sorry you lost your Artie. You aren't wandering, you are letting the world know you lost someone dear to you, and that in your brief time together you had a great connection.

    I think in time it will be good for you to share your life with another dog. But you are still wanting Artie, and I think you need to come to terms with your loss before you expect another dog to be what he was to you. Artie's paws might have been little, but emotionally they will be hard to fill.

    Kate

  • Burtsmomforever
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I don't feel guilty, but today my dh and I had to have our 11 year old mix breed Lucy put to sleep. She was so sick, blind and couldn't keep water down. She hadn't eaten well in about 5 days. As bad as I wanted her to be well, she wasn't. As much as I wanted her to stay here, I couldn't stand to look at her bony little body and know that she was not happy, she was not well, she was not the dog we rescued from the pound 11 years ago and saved her from sure death...She begged for her life, scratching at the crate, so convincing that my dh made us go back the next day and adopt her.
    I will not have anymore dogs after the two I have left die. I put a dog down 11 years ago after he had a stroke and said I would have no more. My dh missed the celebration when we got home so we rescued our sweet Lucy. Our son died last July, it's the hardest thing I've ever done, bury my child. The second hardest things were burying our beloved dogs.
    I will not have anymore dogs after Buddy and Chandler have to be put to sleep. I want them to die in their sleep so that will be easier on me, today was horrible. I relived putting Chester down, and then burying my son came back like it was yesterday.

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  • Lisa7112
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Finding this forum has given me a place to go and not feel so alone. I had to say goodbye to my 14&1/2 year old Shih Tzu Chewie this past Sunday and I think deciding to have him put to sleep was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Chewie was losing so much weight and barely eating. The vet said that it wasn't just one problem but multiple spots on the MRI that was likely cancer. He said Chewie was too weak to have exploratory surgery and since he was already 14&1/2 he didn't think we should go that route. Did I make the right choice listening to the vet? He had bladder stones removed in 2009 and was okay after that procedure. I'm questioning all these choices I made and I don't know if I made the right ones. Chewie was a wonderful and loving companion. He entered my life Valentines Day 1998. My husband and I had been married a little over a year. He was born around our 1 year anniversary. He was so smart and knew all of his toys by name. I bought him so many toys since he was put on a strict diet a few months after we got him and I couldn't give him any treats. The vet said his test showed he had an elevated liver enzyme and to only give him the food that they prescribed. This was only a few months after we got him so instead of doggie treats Chewie got a lot doggie toys. Chewie was great with our 2 boys even though he had to now share some of the attention after having us all to himself for over 4 years he never was jealous or mean. I know I should be thankful for all the amazing years I had with him but right now all I feel is this horrible sadness that he's gone. I can't stop replaying Sunday night from my mom and 2 sons saying goodbye to him followed by my husband and I driving to the emergency vet. He died in my arms Sunday night and I just don't seem to really believe that he's gone. I look around the house and everything reminds me of him. I can see him so clear in my mind sitting in all his favorite spots or outside in the backyard. The emptiness I feel seems overwhelming at times. My 2 sons keep me busy and my husband keeps telling me we did the right thing in not letting Chewie suffer anymore but I miss him so much. Reading what everyone has posted somehow helps. Thank you Kate for your original post about your Homer. When I came across it Monday it somehow gave me some peace after reading it.

  • kms4me
    Original Author
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Dear Lisa,
    I am so sorry that you lost Chewie. I know how hard it is right now as you relive those moments leading up to his death, the goodbyes and the unbelievability of his death. Oh, sweetie, I have been there.
    When we know our dog's days are numbered, we focus on the end, the arrangements, the farewells, and then there is the final, awful event. Getting through it is almost too much to bear, but we do. What we have dreaded the most has come to pass, but the truth is that the worst is still to come, and that is the loneliness of life without them, the huge, continuous loss of missing them. There are holes everywhere, the places they played, where they slept, their empty bowls, and in your case, all of those toys you spoiled Chewie with. You only think you know what a dog means to you when you have them, but when they are gone the loss hits you like a falling brick wall. When the pain is that great, you start to wonder if somehow it could have been avoided, so you go back, over and over, and question the decision you made to end your dog's suffering. Should you have gotten a second opinion, should you have waited a day or two and seen if your dog would rally, what if it was something treatable. We torture ourselves with what-ifs, I think, because it is easier than accepting that our dog is gone.
    Your Chewie had a long life--not long enough, I know, but you were such a good Mom to him, indulging him with toys and not treats that may have endangered his health. I am glad you have a vet who was honest about his age and his chances for surgery, and I am glad you were brave enough to not put Chewie though that. None of us have a crystal ball, but I think without a doubt that you made the best choice for him, and for you too, though you don't know it yet.
    My Homer will have been gone 4 years this month. I miss him, but I celebrate him too, and there is more joy in my thoughts than there is pain. When I posted this, I was where you are now, and I know how that pain feels. But I hope, as you took comfort from this site, that you will come back and let us know how you are doing, and, when you are ready, that you will be a shoulder and a sounding board for someone who is where you are because of the loss of their beloved pet.
    All my best wishes,
    Kate

  • ataraxylost
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I've been reading this long thread for a couple of weeks and finally got to the end today. It's been helpful to know that there are other people out there who understand that losing a beloved dog is a lot like losing a family member, and not something that is gotten over quickly.

    One month ago today, my Miniature Schnauzer, Calyxa (Caly) passed away. She had turned 14 back at the beginning of May. As an unmarried guy living alone without any other pets, her passing has left a huge hole in my life. I had her for most of my adult life. She was my best friend. She was the one constant in my life, as friends, places of residence, jobs and relationships all came and went she was always there, until one day she wasn't.

    Caly was a seasoned traveler; we explored the western United States until she was 3 1/2 years old, then moved east, and have explored all over the eastern part of the U.S. since. We visited 41 states together and logged well over 100,000 miles (many of them with her on my lap). So many adventures! So many wonderful memories. There was nothing she loved more than going "bye byes". We must have spent 100 nights together camping in tents and at least that many nights in motels and hotels.

    Unfortunately, I was not there for her when she died. Rather, I was off traveling for a week on my own and she was being watched by my parents in my house. I feel like I let her down, even though she did not die alone. The morning I left, she refused to eat. Maybe I should have cancelled my long-planned trip, maybe I should have found a way to get her to the vet, but I didn't. She didn't improve the next day (if I was there maybe I could have saved her by taking her to the vet). In the morning of the third day (Friday the 13th) she took her last breath in the back of my parents' van as they were preparing to take her to the vet. I believe she went as peacefully as can be hoped for, and I am thankful that I did not have to make the decision to euthanize her, especially because I was not there to judge her condition.

    She died in my driveway, but my parents took her to the vet anyways, just in case. But she was dead. The vet found a massive lump in her abdomen that was probably cancer, possibly a ruptured splenic tumor that caused her to bleed to death internally. I am haunted by my mother's description of her pale, almost white tongue just before her death. And cancer was a total surprise because I had taken her to the vet in May and it was not detected then. Last autumn she was diagnosed with a bad heart murmur due to a leaky mitral valve that required daily medication. I fully expected her heart would fail and that would kill her, but I expected some warning signs near to the end such as fainting spells and coughing, and she didn't have either.

    She rode out to the airport with me and my parents' the day I left, two day before she died. That would turn out to be her last chance to go bye bye. At the airport, I made a point of kissing her on the forehead to say goodbye, meaning "see you in two weeks". Then the van door closed, and I never will see my dog again.

    She's in my backyard now, buried in the shade of a large pine tree and under the ever watchful eye of my garden gargoyle. A scraggly rose bush a few feet away from her grave that never had grown at all has since grown a long branch directly toward her grave and it currently hovers almost directly above where she is buried. I had to purchase an arbor so that it wouldn't get too heavy and fall under its own weight.

  • kms4me
    Original Author
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Dear ataraxylost,

    I think the majority of people who have posted to this thread have, like you, expressed feelings of guilt over the deaths of their dog. It is such an earth-shattering thing and we add even more pain to what we are feeling by blaming ourselves. We should have seen the signs, we should have been there, somehow we should have known something was wrong or that death was near. It is as if we believe that if we had acted differently, our pet would not have died, or that when they did, it would somehow hurt less. But no matter how you spin it, what you do or don't do, the loss is still there.

    We know we are not perfect but when it comes to our dogs we think we should be, maybe because the way we love them and they love us is pretty darn near perfect. You describe a life with Caly that sounds amazingly wonderful to me, one of closeness and adventure and caring. You shared your life with her in ways most people and dogs never get to experience. How great is that?

    You had 14 years with Caly during which time you cared for her, met her needs, and loved her. Whatever you think you should've done, no matter how badly you may think you let her down, I think she would be the first to want you to know that her death was a blink, that in the big scheme of things, you were her big, wide, loving world, and it was a darn fine place. You said she loved going "bye-byes" but what she really loved was being with you. The end, no matter how painful, does not change the wonder of the life she lived with you.

    Most of us have, or will, outlive our dogs, and no matter what we do, how 'perfect' we are, our love cannot keep death at bay. Something will take them, be it an accident, disease, old age, all things we have little or no control over. All we can control is what we give them, how we treat them, and you have nothing to apologize or feel guilty for. I know she felt loved and cherished, and when all is said and done, nothing matters more than that.

    Please be good to yourself. All my best,

    Kate

  • hellokitty525
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Well put Kate!

    I lost my German Shepherd a year and a half ago to hemangiosarcoma. I can't say that the pain is gone, but life gets in the way and time seems to bring more good thoughts rather than the painful ones when finding out his diagnosis and watching him breath his last breath. I know I feel guilt at times - what if I had done this? Why didn't we see this? Maybe if I had done x,y,z he would still be here. We tried and cancer took him from us. He was strong and loving until the very end, so I believe he would, if given the chance, tell me that his life was wonderful and he enjoyed the 9 years he spent with us.

    Gentle hugs ataraxylost. Your dog led a great life and she would tell you the same.

  • ataraxylost
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Kate, thanks for your sage words. Caly was the first loss in my lifetime that really has impacted me, but hearing about the ways forward that others who have gone before me on this sad pathway, and how things don't always remain so bleak, provides me with some comfort. I'm really glad you started this thread and that you continue to post to it.

    Hellokitty525, your German Shepherd was a cutie! I'm very sorry that you lost him. My veterinarian thought it possible that it was a fast growing hemangiosarcoma that took Caly too.

    I attended a pet bereavement session at my local animal shelter last Wednesday, and am going to go to some one-on-one sessions with a grief counselor. I feel a little guilty about the latter, because I was going to make a donation in Caly's memory to an animal rescue organization, and this will cut the amount I can afford to donate, but it is something I need to do for me.

    My parents have Schnauzers also and have bred them from time to time. By coincidence, their youngest came into heat a week after Caly passed and they had been contacted by a few people already looking for Schnauzers so were going to breed her this time anyways. I would like another girl pup, so if their dog has a girl, she could come home with me by November. Not to replace Caly, but a tribute to her legacy and that ultimately the good outweighs the bad and I will risk opening my heart again.

    And here Caly was last year as a spry almost-thirteen year old:

  • hellokitty525
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Oh my what a lovely girl!

    It is good to hear you are focusing on things that will help you. Ultimately, rescue organizations will be there in the future and in need, so you could donate then as well.

    I do think other pets helps. When Kai died, we had two other dogs that tried to fill the void as best they could. They certainly do not replace him, but they have helped to comfort us as well as put smiles on our faces. The good does outweigh the bad. :)

  • lovingmemory
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    She is beautiful! I think it's wonderful that you are going to be a grief counselor and the help that you will give others will in turn help your heart. I agree tenfold with getting another puppy. It is never to replace the one that you had as you simply can't. But loving another animal is always good for the soul.

  • NicoleRB
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I came across this forum after searching "I miss my dog". Reading the stories have helped me realize that I am not alone in feeling this way. Two days ago I lost my best little friend in a tragic accident. Jack was a six and a half year old black pomeranian, and he was literraly my shadow.

    The details of the accident are so horific, I can't bare to share them. All I know is that I miss him terribly, I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest, words can hardly describe the way I feel. Jack went almost everywhere with me, he was never more than two steps behind. If I was working, he was sitting behind me in my chair, if I was in the shower, he was sitting in the bathroom on my clothes waiting for me, he drove with me everywhere. If I had a bad day, he was there to give me a kiss on the cheek and cheer me up, or anytime for that matter. I don't want to picture my future without him, I feel like I was robbed years of his companionship. I know time can heal the pain, but it hurts so bad right now, I just want to see his sweet little face again and tell him how much I love him.

    I have both his parents which helps, but they just don't share the bond that Jack and I did. The hardest part for me right now is trying to keep it together for my son who is 16 months. He doesn't understand why I keep getting upset, I'm trying to keep a smile on my face for him. Thank god I have my son and husband to love, and who love me. I feel blessed to have my family support and I keep reminding myself to be thankful that I got to have Jack in my life, even if it wasn't long enough.

    Thank you to all the people who shared there stories and words of encouragment. It helps.

    Jack, I love and miss you little buddy, I hope to see you again someday.

    Nicole

  • kms4me
    Original Author
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Dear Nicole,

    I am so sorry for the loss of your shadow, Jack. To lose him when he was so young and in such a horrible way must weigh heavily on your heart, and I know how hard this time is for you.

    Though it's hard to keep it together, as you say, it is really a blessing. There is nothing wrong with having some distraction from your pain, and a child and loving husband are worth their weight in gold as they help keep you from sinking too far into your sadness. But there is nothing wrong with admitting how much Jack's death hurt either. The loss of a relationship so deep needs to be mourned.

    Of course you feel robbed--six years is just so young. I had 10 years with Homer, and that was not even close to enough. No matter how and when we lose our dogs, we always feel we never had enough time. We would keep them with us forever if we could.

    You can still tell Jack you love him. I do not have strong beliefs about religion and an afterlife, but I tell the whole darn cosmos, every day, that I love Homer. No matter what, I DO believe that love never dies, neither mine for him, or his for me, or yours for Jack or his for you. The happiness that you and Jack found together has contributed to who you are and you will never lose that. I know right now while you are so missing the physical part of Jack, his energy and companionship, this might not sound like much, but someday when you find yourself beyond the worst of the pain, it will make sense.

    Until then, know that you are not alone and that all of us who have lost a dog grieve a bit with you. I have been reading posts like yours for over four years now, and every loss I read about hurts, but it lifts me up too as I realize once again how magical loving and being loved by a dog really is.

    Take care, come back and tell us how you are doing. Until then, all my best,

    Kate

  • NicoleRB
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Hi Kate,

    Thank you for taking the time to respond. It has been a week today since Jack's accident and I am missing him more than ever, some moments it hurts so much it feels like my heart should just stop. Not everyone gets to experience that special bond with an animal, so not many people understand the pain I am feeling right now. Four years is a long time to be reading and responding to complete strangers emails. But I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart that you took the time, because your words of encouragement really help me feel not so alone.

    Nicole

    Jack, I miss you my little buddy. My heart breaks for you.

  • Missingmyboy
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Dear Kate,

    I would like to start off by saying thank you from the bottom of my heart for starting this thread. And being so kind to others, and giving them comfort and strength, in their time of need. Your kindness towards others, especially people you have never even met, warms my heart.

    November 3, 2012 I had to say goodbye to my best friend of 15 years. He was my everything. And if anything in this world was meant to be, it was for Hershey and I to be together.

    1997 My brother, and his whole varisty basketball team thought it would be a good idea to climb the local water tower one night for fun, and thankfully they were interrupted and stopped by the police, and got in trouble. My brother was sentenced to 30 community service hours at the local animal shelter. Thats when he saw, and fell in Love with Hershey. He was a 1yr old rott/lab mix of pure sweetness. My brother was drawn to him, and really enjoyed his company. And soon found out that since he had been there a while, without being adopted, they were scheduling to put him to sleep. So we begged and pleaded our parents to let us adopt him. They thankfully gave in. My brother and I had always wanted a dog, and couldn't bear the fact that this sweet innocent boy, was going to be put to sleep for no reason. So the next day My mom called the shelter to let them know we were going to adopt him, and they said they were JUST about to pull his papers to put him down. We saved his life that day, but in the end, it turns out that he saved ours.

    We couldn't have asked for a better Dog. So Smart and gentle, well behaved, and completely loving. Him and I were inseparable. Over the years we grew up together...and like many others have said, he was my rock. He was there for me through thick and thin. He always knew when I was sad, and he would grieve with me, and lick my tears. Just his presence gave me so much comfort. I never felt alone when he was around, and he always knew how to make me smile.

    Years went by, and arthritis and hip dysplasia took Hershey's ability to walk, so he depended on us to be his legs. Our lives, and schedules revolved around him.I even got engaged 2 yrs ago, and my fiance accepted the fact that I couldn't leave my baby's side. He knew how much he meant to me. In fact, I broke my ankle a yr ago and he stayed here to help my parents care for Hershey, while I could not.

    My Boy never seemed unhappy that he couldn't walk, the last 2 yrs of his life. He was always so happy to see us and still gave us great joy. But the day came, that I had so been dreading. He fell ill due to a tooth infection, and was so sick that he could barley even lift his head. That night, I had to make the hardest decision I have ever made in my life. I had to end his suffering, he had been such a great friend and companion to me, that I knew what I had to do. I held my boy as he took his last breath, and as I cradled him, I told him that he would always be my baby boy. The loss of him is so great, that I feel like a piece of me died along with him that night, and I will never be the same. The void in my heart and soul is unimaginable. I have never had a love so grand, and unconditional in all my days. I treasure every single moment we had together. I always said that Hershey and I were like Peas and carrots, and that; we were. It sounds crazy, but I would have given up my own life for his, that is how much he meant to me. The wound and heartache from his loss is still very fresh, and I hope with time, I will be able to think of all the good times we had together, without the tears.

    I was made a better person by having him. And there is not a minute that goes by, that I don't think of him, and miss him dearly. Its hard to fathom life without him. But I have no other choice but to try to go on, as hard as that is. A huge part of my heart will ALWAYS wear the pawprints left by him, and will wear them for ETERNITY. Rest in Peace, my sweet Hershey, and I hope and pray to see you again someday.

    -Jill-

  • leebart
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    December 8, 2012, I thought it was just a simple day. It was my two shih tzu's (JIGO and BASTI) schedule for grooming. I dropped them to a pet grooming shop then went directly to our business.
    Then mid-afternoon, I received a call from the shop informing me that JIGO had collapsed when he was being bathe. I panicked and decided to drive the car as fast as I can to see what his condition. On my way, I received another call that he could hardly breathe. In the car, I was already crying. When I reached the shop, the Vet came to me and declared that JIGO was gone.

    That moment, I didn't know what and how to react. I was deeply shocked. Then I cried. I didn't care if people would see and hear how loud my cry was.

    JIGO, when he came to my life, it was my birthday. He was a birthday present from my partner. He was so tiny looking and seemed fragile to me. The moment I saw him, I know I liked him but was confused whether I could really takes care of him.

    He taught me how to become responsible. Everyday, I was so excited to go home just to see him. He was just excited to see me too. Though I always had a long drive home from work, all the tired muscles would perished every time he licked and kissed me. I seldom go out because I don't want him left at home. For 3.5 years, I was so attached to him.

    When we make decisions, he was always to be considered. When we bought him, we decided to buy a car because we always wanted him to come with us during travels. When we bought a condo, we made sure that dogs are allowed. It was just so painful that we are moving this January 2013, and we was no longer there.

    He always mediates whenever my partner and I had misunderstandings. He can sensed that. Whenever I see JIGO's face, all my angers were gone. I can't resist his charm.

    And now he's gone. I know there is still BASTI. Don't get me wrong, I also love BASTI very much. But JIGO has something that BASTI could not give.

    I was so hard to get over. Even at work, I was caught staring at blank walls.

    People surrounds us would want to give us another dog but I know that will not solve the problem, so I beg off.

    Right now, I still cry whenever I think of him. I always cry inside the car because he was always beside me when I drive. I know it's a process that I have to undergo before I could move on. We decided to cremate him so we could still bring him home.

    JIGO will always be a member of our family. We brought joy to all the people who saw him. He will always be our lucky charm. When he arrived, things went well in our lives. We were able to establish a business, bought a car, and bought a new home.

    Happy thoughts with him had been helping me to move on. I know he was also happy to live with us even for a short time. I'm just thinking that maybe he has reached his purpose with us that is why he had to go.

  • kms4me
    Original Author
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Dear lebart,

    As I was reading your account of getting that first phone call that JIGO had collapsed, I felt my heart constrict. There is no good way to learn that your dog's health is failing, but to have an innocent trip to the groomer's take such a horrible turn must have been unimaginable. My heart goes out to you and your partner too. I am so sorry for your loss.

    Three and a half years is too short to have such a great love, but it is better than a lifetime without your JIGO.

    I relate to everyone who has posted here--we all share the deep grief of the loss of our pets. So much of what you wrote is close to my own experiences, about taking your dogs everywhere, about JIGO mediating disagreements, about how his charm took you out of your bad moods. I am glad you cried out loud and didn't care--the world needed to hear that such a wonderful little spirit as your JIGO was gone.

    There is nothing more I can say--you seem to have such a good understanding of how to cope with your grief despite your intense pain. You leave me pondering your words, "...maybe he has reached his purpose with us that is why he had to go."

    All my best,

    Kate

  • MissingMyPal
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Sympathy to everyone on this thread.

    I can't believe how horribly and guilty I feel after having to say goodbye to my dog on Thanksgiving. I miss him so bad. I feel him with me all the time, but I can't reach out and hold him. I haven't been sleeping. I blame myself. I don't know who to talk to.

    I lost my father in April. I did not cry. I have cried everyday for the last four weeks since saying goodbye to my friend.

    He wasn't a son, or a brother, or a parent. He was my dog...and I'm coming to realize that relationship is stronger in its own way than other familiar ones.

    Thanks for this forum.

  • kms4me
    Original Author
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Dear MissingMyPal,

    I am so sorry for your loss. As you have discovered, loving a dog is special in ways we don't always appreciate until we lose them.

    It almost seems inevitable that we feel guilt over the loss. I think it is part of the denial--we keep thinking that if we'd only done something differently our beloved dog would still be with us. It was those same feelings of blame and sadness, my inability to sleep, that drove me to start this thread on the Grief forum.

    I was also hoping that somehow someone could say or do something that would make the pain stop. I wish I could say that happened, but it didn't. What I did find was that there was nothing weird or wrong with me because the death of my dog had brought me to my knees, that others knew what it was like, and that above all else, the grief had to be faced and accepted. That's hard to do when it seems that the people closest to you don't want to hear that you are still hurting.

    Please, please, please, post here again. Tell us about your dog, his or her name, the things both big and small that made your dog so special. No one here is going to judge you. We've all been there.

    Be kind to yourself. All my best,

    Kate

  • MissingMyPal
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Thank you Kate. My Dog's name was Deano and he was special in so many ways. He always knew when I, or anyone else, wasn't feeling well and would stay close and cuddle. He was funny and sweet and patient and loving. He was very vocal, whether it be joyous grunts, playful growls, or impatient barks. He loved his schedule, his naps, and most of all...his people. His family.

    We almost lost him to cancer, but emergency surgery on a bleeding tumor gave us an extra year and a half. During that time, we became increasingly sure via regular ultrasounds that he had beaten the cancer. We focused on the usual issues that concern a nine year old dog, making sure his hips and joints were as free from pain and healthy as possible as he had begun to have some very bad days walking. But, so so so suddenly, another small tumor ruptured and he began bleeding out. We could not put him through another surgery. We could not bear the thought of his last hours being spent on an operating table. We worried that even if he made it through, cancer would be left behind...leading us to another day just like this, and how much longer could his hips have more good than bad days.....We took him home and said goodbye in our own way for almost a day, we did not want to wait to the point where he was suffering or out of it. I'm glad his last hours were not awful, but it makes it harder to accept the final decision. We then returned to the vet where I held him as he passed on.

    I still miss him every day. Still think I'm going to see him around the corner or at the door when I come home. The good news is I'm slightly more likely to think of him and smile rather than think of him and feel guilty or try to rethink his last days and hours. I hope that continues.

    All the best...

  • jannie
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I've had and lost so many pets I can't even list them all. The hardest was my kitten Boots, a six month old tiny puff ball who died during her spay operation. The only thing that helps is taking in another pet, not as a replacement or diversion, but because there are so many animals available at Pet Rescues. And when you adopt a pet from a rescue, you save 2 lives-the one you take home and the one the shelter puts in its' place.

  • MissingMyLilBoy
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I sympathize with all of those who have suffered loss. I happen to come across this forum like many of you. It's been a struggle for me to continue my life now that my 13 year old dog, Pookie, passed away. I feel so much guilt, anger, sadness, and I don't know how to deal with him being gone. It has been 39 days since Pookie passed away and I feel so empty and lost without him. All I have left are his ashes and his paw prints in cement. I feel angry at the world. I cant get the image of his lifeless body out of my mind. My life is not the same since he has left. Im in graduate school right now studying psychology. I can barely muster enough motivation to get up and go to class. I dont seen the point anymore without my boy. I want my dog back with me. I know its not possible. But I do.
    I knew when Pookie would pass away that it would be hard for me. But I never imagined just how hard it has been. My heart aches, I cry almost every day for my boy. I really miss him and I don't know how to cope with this pain.
    13 years ago my lil brother brought home a stray dog, a puppy. I had dogs in the past and I didn't want to bond with this one because I thought our dad wouldn't let us keep him.Plus a year earlier we had just put down our Akita, Cosmo. So I was still grieving him. But after a few hours, Pookie attached to me and I to him. We were instantly pals and inseparable. I look at Pookie's pictures and videos and miss him more. I know he wouldnt want me to quit living. He was so full of life. On his last day he was still being my bodyguard and barked at people who got too close. He was so brave for such a small dog. I love you Pookie bear. I wish we were still together.
    I have suffered the loss of grand parents, friends, my god father. But this feels so much harder to deal with. Even with the support of my family and friends it's difficult. I am at a loss for what to do next. He was there for me when I lost those important people in my life. He made me get out of bed. He dragged the covers off of me. He kissed my tears. He made me laugh and smile again. Now that he is gone who can do that for me? I just wish he was here.

  • debcom
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I am thankful to have stumbled upon this thread. I sat up all night reading the original post and finished up this one today, So many people here who understand what its like to lose your best friend and and going through similar emotions. I put my beloved bichon Riley down last Monday and having a hard time dealing with him not being here :( I could use a shoulder to cry on. People say that they will be there for me but they are uncomfortable with my grief and tell me I will get over it. My husband and daughter do not want to talk about him at all, like he never existed and its breaking my heart all over again. Riley was truly MY dog, long before husband and my child came along and I am struggling with this tremendous loss. I would like to come back and tell our love story next time ,Riley was 17.5 years old I am trying to clebrate all those years together and not let the guilt or despair take over . So hard.... thank you for listening and special thanks to Kate for sharing your story and encouragement and keeping up with the thread.

  • debcom
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Thank you also to all the posters, there may be no magic pill for our grief but it sure helps to know we are not alone in this journey..

  • kms4me
    Original Author
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Dear MissingMyLilBoy,

    It is impossible, when you form such a close bond with an animal, to really have a clue as to what facing their loss and their absence will actually be like. We may think we know, we may think, as they get up in age, that we are prepared--and then, when they are really gone, we are crushed, we are haunted, we are plagued by guilt, we are tormented. We completely ignore the fact that, as dogs, their lives are short compared to ours, and we damn ourselves because we 'let' them die.

    Living with a pet is a paradox. On one hand, they are dependent and we always think of them as children; but as they age, we are faced with the fact that, in their timeline, they are old; hard as it is, something WILL take the lives of our dogs and most of us will outlive them. Homer was 10 1/2 when he died, and I focused on the fact that with his breed and size he 'could have' lived to be 17, but the truth is that he got sick, and I did all I could, I loved him, and despite all that, he died. Like you, I felt so guilty, but the truth is, sweetie, that 13 is a pretty good age to have lived to if you are a dog, and if your life was filled with love, as Pookie's was, if your life has a reason, and his reason was to love you, then it was a really fine life.

    You are right in thinking that your life will not be the same--how could it be? But you are wrong when you say that all you have left are Pookie's ashes and his paw prints. He has changed you for the good, he has brought you joy that the human world cannot, and you have been blessed in connecting with another species in a way that is beyond special. You have seen him from a young dog to an old one, you have been there for him, and I know that someday you will thnk of him and it will not be of his lifeless body, but rather it will be of the Pookie who ran and played and who lit up whenever he saw you. That is something that in time, when the initial horror of his death is gone, that you will reclaim.

    I think in our modern world, grief is seen as an inconvenience, and we are made to feel that we should 'get on' with things. If we lose our way for a while over the loss of an animal, we are somehow afraid that it is pathological, that a healthy, well-adjusted person would not feel as badly as we do. While I cannot give you a magic charm to lessen your grief, or look into a crystal ball to tell you when it will stop hurting so much, I can tell you that I, as well as everyone who has posted here, has experienced the same type of grief, and you are not alone.

    It is o.k. to be mad, to be sad, to be angry, but please, try to let the guilt go. Your sadness is enough without beating up on yourself as well. You gave Pookie love, and he gave you the magic that was him, and what a great bargain you got there! What a great bargain we all did.

    There is a part of me that will mourn and miss my little Homer until the day I die. He took a piece of me when he died, but he left so much more. It took a long time to realize how much of my life with him was actually magical, adding a little dog to my life and getting the biggest jackpot payout imagineable. Homer loved me, I got to love him, and there is nothing more priceless than that.

    Just like with you and Pookie.

    Please take care, come back and tell us how you are doing. Be good to yourself.

    All my best,

    Kate

    PS: He was adorable.

  • kms4me
    Original Author
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Dear Deb,

    All of the posts on this forum touch me deeply. Others, like yours, mirror all too well my own experience when Homer died.

    I am so sorry you lost Riley.

    Like you, I stayed up late, hoping to find some word of wisdom, some help from anywhere to lessen my grief, and the result was, on a night I thought I must be crazy and abnormal, that I started what would become this forum. I knew my family loved me, that they had loved Homer, but when they avoided even saying his name, I had never felt so alone. I would run into friends and they would ask me how I was doing and I would, most of the time, say with a brave, stone face that I was fine. But sometimes I would blurt out "Homie died" and I would break down and ball like a baby, and be amazed how quickly they would pat my shoulder and hastily back away.

    I had a family and children when Homer came into my life, but like Riley was YOURS, he was MINE. He loved me first, and he loved me best. Part of me was ashamed to admit how special that made me feel, but when he died, I realized that was a big part of what had been ripped away. Even with the best human relationships, we are often left guessing about how others really feel, but with Homer I KNEW. I never, ever, for even a second, ever felt that he didn't love me, that he didn't think I'd hung the moon. And I felt the same way about him.

    If love could keep someone alive, our dogs would probably outlive us. But they are born with a short life expectancy, and despite the intensity of our feelings, we cannot overcome genetics and disease, accidents and old age. We love them so much that we think, somehow, someway, our feelings should be able to overcome reality. I know that you realize 17+ years is a pretty ripe-old age for a dog, but you remember how Riley was always there, and how much that meant, and like all of us, you would give anything to have more time.

    There is nothing wrong or pathological about loving an animal, about acknowleding what that love meant, and still means, and mourning the active loss of that love. But love doesn't die--I know that because I still love Homer, and that love I have fills me at times when nothing else will, and the memory of how much I meant to him can never be taken away. He was special and I was special, just like you and Riley were and will always be. And if, at your lowest points, you will cling to and remember that, you will be o.k. You will never be the same, but you will always be better because Riley and you were, well, RILEY AND YOU.

    Please, come back, vent anger, cry, whatever. But although I cannot provide an actual shoulder to cry on, I want you to know you are not alone.

    Riley was cute as a button.

    All my best,

    Kate

  • debcom
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Thank you Kate, It helps knowing I am not the only one who felt alone with grief in their own home.
    Here is our story:

    Riley came to me when he was 5yrs old and I was a single woman. I was lonely after a failed relationship and wanted a dog for company. By some fate my sister saw and called me about an ad in the newspaper that read "free to a good home yr old bichon male" I called and took my mom on the interiew to meet him and talk with his owner. He was living with a family of 4 who had very busy lives and they had no time for him and were looking for someone who could give him a good life. I was lucky enough to be chosen as Rileys new owner and went backv the next day to pick him up.

    He was quite the character even then. He soon became my consant companion, we went for lots of walks, family visits, played in my fenced yard and snuggled up for tv time every night. My mom became rileys "grandma" and he was spoiled rotten. A few years later i met my husband who was an airforce man and I quit my job, sold my home and we left my hometown with Riley in tow and moved 16 hrs away to Yorktown VA. Riley was there for me and helped me adjust to my new life. I was blessed with a child 2 yrs later and though Riley had to now share me, he was always close by my side at home. We moved every 3 years and Riley was a constant I could count on in my life who made it easier to reinvent myself in each new place we ended up.
    I stayed home to raise my daughter so was lucky enough to have all those years with my fur baby also.

    Once Katie started school it was back to being just Riley & I and we kept eachother company,enjoyed walks, mid afternoon naps etc etc. He was my best buddy. I knew he was approaching his life expenctancy,but never really thought to a day he would not be here. We bought books to prepare for the loss and hoped he would be coming with us on our next and final move.

    We moved to our forever home back in my hometown last summer (2012) and was grateful Riley had made it this long, he was now 17.5 . We spent a great summer/fall with him and then he started deteriorating quickly. First he started having accidents, then a small growth on his head started getting bigger and bothersome, making him scratch/rub it till it would bleed. I had him to the vet but because of his age surgery to remove it was not a good option. They gave me a lotion to deal with it didn;t seem to help him much . He was almost deaf by this time and then his eyesite got worse and he started using scent to track me down in the house. The accidents got worse, and he was sleeping more and more. I would sometimes find him in his bed soaked, having slept right through and unaware he'd had an accident. He had trouble chewing his kibble , was losing weight and soI ended up cooking for him and feeding him soft foods and things he liked, whatever he would eat . Then after a short whilehe seemed to lose interest in food altogether and was eating very little.
    It wasnt till the night he was wheezing really badly during his sleep that I had to force myself to take a long hard look at my sweet Riley. To notice that he was not really enjoying himself anymore. Sure he still liked to be with me , kept me company late at night and would wait for me at the door and wag his little tail and liked to be walked now and then. But he was spending more and more time sleepingthan with us and wouldn't notice what was goign onand he couldn't run or play anymore like we used to.

    With a heavy heart I made the decision that he deserved to leave this world with what dignity he had left. I realized he was here more for me than for himself. I made arrangements with a mobile vet to come Monday morning and then spent 3 days hanging out on my bed with Riley sleeping beside me. We took him for a family walk and I took him in the van with his head hanging out the window for a last drive. I gave him cheese his favorite and lots of pets.He drank but wouldn't eat at all. My husband gave up his side of the bed so I could have one last night with Riley by my side and I stayed up late watching him sleep. After my daughter said good bye to him and got on the bus and went to school I waited. Half hour before the vet arrived Riley and i had one last walk together , It was bittersweet. The vet was very kind and compassionate and gave me the time I needed each step of the way. When I was ready, Riley left this world sleeping in the sunshine, comfortably in his little bed with me beside him whispering hat a good boy he was, how much I loved him and always would. and that I would see him one day at the Rainbow bridge , after a poem a friend had sent me. We buried him out in our yard underneath a beautiful maple tree, we put in his fav toys, a family photo, a picture Katie had drawn of her and Riley and a photo/letter from me. We layed white/pink roses over his blanket and said our goodbyes, each of us very sad .

    That was That was 9 days ago. I was off work for a week and I think I spend most of the first 4 days crying, numb and in shock. I put away his beds, dishes etc.

    My 7 yr old daugher will talk about Riley with me if I tear up or mention him but otherwise says it makes her sad to think about him, so she doesn't want to. My husband was upset the day we put him down and buried him but nothing from him since. My style of dealing with it is to talk about him, how much he meant to me and come to terms with my loss.

    I have moments when I feel so very very,sad and miss Riley and little things will trigger me. I can't sit in my living room in my fav spot as the ache of missing Riley is too intense. When i sweep where his bed was in the kitchen I tear up. I have other moments in my days where i think I am doing ok. There is a heavyness in my heart, like an ache and its constant though.
    I think I would still be just as sad if Riley had passed in his sleep but its the added guilt of making the choice to put him down that makes it worse. I just keep telling myself that he is in a better place (and try and picture him healthy and happy) and reassuring myself that I loved him enough not to make him suffer to spare my own feelings because lets face it- there never would've been a good time for him to leave me, thats the thing, i never imagined my life without him and now I know why :(

    Last night i made a collage of his pictures, I have so many beautiful photos of him with my child, in costumes etc et I look at his photos everyday, I talk to him, visit his gravesite sometimes and just sit with my feelings at diff times throughout the day, I find it harder as night approaches as that was our time, when the rest of the house was quiet and we stayed up late together and the last thing of the night was putting him out to pee. Now I just give his picture a kiss and tell him "goodnight sweetie" . Thanks for listening.

    Debbie

  • debcom
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I posted earlier today, just to tell my story about my life with my special dog, Riley. I wanted to share something else that happened on the weekend that was pretty special

    Sunday afternoon I was sitting watching a movie all by myself feeling uncomfortable after noticing Rileys pillow was no longer in the corner of the sectional where it used to be. It was bright outside so I had the blinds closed against the sun.

    When I looked up a pretty rainbow was shinging in the exact spot Rileys pillow used to be. It lasted maybe 5 minutes and my daughter also saw it when she walked by. When I got up to go back upstairs I also found a small white curl of fur on the carpet not far from my

    I would like to think he sent me a sign he made it to Rainbow bridge and will be waiting for me. Though it made me cry , it touched my heart. Debbie

  • debcom
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    My Riley has been gone to the bridge almost 2 weeks. Ysterday I woke up with a start, jumped out of bed thinking I had slept through my alarm and said
    "Let's GO Riley!" to get him out before he peed on the rug.
    I froze the moment the words were out of my mouth :(

    It really threw me for a loop, not once in 2 weeks have I woke up and NOT remembered Riley is no longer with me :(
    I spent alot of yesterday crying. I was just missing him being here at home with me so much. The house feels so lonely without him. No one talks about him and it feels like I am the only one who misses him.

    Last night I got into a big argument with my husband.
    I then realized how much comfort Riley had given me in times of stress, all I had to do was sit with him and pet him and feel the special love he had for me,- now there is such a void. He made the bad times tolerable.

    I went to his grave and talked to him yesterday, told him how much I missed his sweet face and that I was trying to be strong and how much he meant to me.
    I thought I was doing ok the last week but I guess grief will come in waves for awhile yet.

    Debbie

  • debcom
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Here is a link I found of the Rinbow Bridge poem , animated and set to music. It helps get the feelings up and out, and gives hope I may someday see my friend again

    www.indigo.org/rainbowbridge_ver2.html

  • Melissa8590
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I came upon this thread when I typed in "I miss my dog" because I was feeling so sad and wasn't sure where to turn. I am so happy I found this, although it doesn't take my pain away, it helps to know that I am not the only one who has gone through this.

    My dog Bandit passed away a week ago on January 29, 2013. She was 7 years old. Cancer took her from us very quickly. By the time I found out it was Cancer (3 weeks from the first sign of any type of illness...)it was too late to even try to save her. She would not have survived surgery or chemotherapy.

    Bandit brought so much joy and comfort to my familys life. She was faithful, loving, a constant companion, a friend, happy, crazy at times, and just all together a very important part of our family. (She was included in every single picture of 'our family' that my kids every brought home from school) She was quirky in her own ways and I can't imagine my life without her in it. I am feeling an overwhelming saddness and for some reason a need to make sure she is remembered. I never want to forget what light she brought to our lives. I actually listed out all the memorable times and traits about her so I can always look at it...I don't want time to fade my memories!! I wrote a little poem about this last week that I would like to share. Its certainly nothing professional but I hope anyone reading this feels some comfort in knowing you are not alone.

    Missing My Bandit!! (aka...bandito or pumpkin butter)

    I wake in the night and reach to the end of the bed
    Trying to feel for your furry little head
    But all I find is an empty spot
    For you are gone, I somehow forgot

    When I�m in the shower, I hear a sound
    And I wonder if it�s you running around
    Or barking at that new toy you got
    But you are gone, I somehow forgot

    I glance down the hall, could that be you?
    Walking by, carrying a shoe?
    Then I remember, possible it�s not
    For you are gone, I somehow forgot

    I come home from work and pull in the drive
    Expecting to see you in the window waiting for me to arrive
    You use to be there, ears perked up to the top
    But you are gone, I somehow forgot

    Your love was so strong and our bond was so tight
    And the light you brought into our lives was so bright.
    I miss you every day and in my stomach there�s a pit
    But I need you to know I will never forget

    You were sick and in too much pain
    Seven years was so short but how can I complain?
    You gave so much in your short time here
    And that time we had was worth every tear

  • leavesandpetals
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I don't even know how I ended up on this forum. I just joined gardenweb for entirely different reasons, yet here I am. And I realize how fortunate I am for finding all of you.
    I thought it was just me, and that if I told anybody what I was feeling, they would judge me and start to look at me in a different way. What I found is that I have isolated myself from everybody because I knew they couldn't/wouldn't understand. And the chasm created by this was so great that the isolation from friends and family took on a life of its own. It is such a terrible feeling to emotionally hurt and to feel no one would understand, so instead of sharing what I feel, I put on a 'happy' face act. That is so draining.

    I've lost other dogs, and every time it has hurt a lot. This time my dog 'Cutie' died, and I'm a wreck. I know one of the reasons is that she was originally my mother's puppy. But my mother got lung cancer and soon passed away. She never got to enjoy her puppy, which she had named Cutie. And I inherited her. She went with me EVERYWHERE. I was charged $200.00 at a hotel that found out I had brought her in, and I didn't care because I would (and did) do it again and again. What did they think she was, and animal?

    And so listening to all of our words brings me comfort and validates my feelings. That I'm not going off the deep end and am just mourning the loss of a friend like no other friend I ever had. I look back and feel pain at the times I scolded her. And at the end, it was horrible. She had been sick, and I had to give her medicines every day. One night she went into pain, which for me spelled the end because that was something I was not going to allow. For Cutie to be in pain.
    Since it was night time, all I could do was give her a pain pill (hydrocodone) I had from the doctor. I knew it would be the end of her, and I can't get away from the guilt I feel because I feel like I killed her. In the morning she went to the vet, where they said she was in a coma and put her to sleep. So I put her in a coma.

    And writing that makes me hurt so much, I don't want to write anymore. I hope someone can understand, and that I am not judged, because I've done plenty of that to myself over the past year.

    To all of you, I understand your pain.

  • kms4me
    Original Author
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Dear Melissa.

    I am so sorry about Bandit. Seven is just too young to lose any dog, especially one as loved as your Bandit, and it brings a special kind of pain. You feel cheated--a dog's normal life expectancy is short enough without losing years of their life to cancer.

    Though I could tell you that you were spared anguish because the end did come so quickly and you were spared the pain of deciding how much you could put Bandit through--it is hellish to try to determine what lengths to go to when we make decisions, as we do for our dogs, about treating their cancer-- the abruptness of knowing their death is imminent and there is nothing we can even try carries its own hell. Whether we have the time to agonize over treatment, or we are blind-sided because there are no options but to let their lives end, the results are the same. We miss and we mourn.

    When a person we love dies, we are comforted by the thought of those whose lives they touched, who will think of and remember them, who will celebrate the fact that they were here and will miss them. When our dogs die, we realize that is not so true. I was floored by the fact that while my loss seemed almost insurmountable, no one else missed or grieved for Homer the way I did. I was shaken because there was no one finer, funnier, crazier, smarter, happier, cuter, than he was, and it seemed unreal that all of that might be forgotten.

    I felt so alone until I accepted that it was the fact that my relationship with Homer was so special and so much just between us and that is what made it so unique. Recently I realized I couldn't remember which side of his face had this little unique constellation of spots, the right or left one, and I kind of panicked thinking how could I no longer remember? But those kinds of things can be checked out with a simple look at his photos--what is most important for me to carry is the joy he brought me, the love, and to remember the weird little things like slow-dancing with him, the way he would leap into my arms, the feel of his head on my knee, and all of the other sweetnesses that no one else was lucky enough to experience. Those are things I won't ever forget, just like you won't ever forget the sweetnesses you shared with Bandit.

    Your poem is lovely and sweet and rings so true. I hope you use it in a collage of photos of your Bandit--it is a wonderful tribute.

    All my best,

    Kate, always Homer's Mom.

  • kms4me
    Original Author
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Dear leavesandpetals,

    In a world where almost everything is publicly discussed and debated, where there is nothing off limits or too personal to be presented, there is still a topic that for the most part is shunned, and that is grief. Once-upon-a-time we were expected to mourn our losses, but now we are supposed to be considerate of others and swallow our feelings lest we make someone uncomfortable. We claim to value honesty, but as you have experienced, we end up putting on a �happy face�, or as I would say, a �brave face�, because nowadays anything is better than admitting that you are sad and mad and missing someone who meant the world to you, especially if that someone is a dog. A pet lends another awkward aspect to grief, what kind of a crazy person is brought to their emotional knees by the death of an animal?

    The answer? LOTS of us are. But in a society that values strength above all else, it seems too shameful to say, yes, I am lost, I am hurting, I feel alone, I can�t seem to get beyond my pain, and it is because MY DOG DIED. It ignores the fact that our dogs brought us love and joy and connected us to something outside of our human selves and opened us up to a world where our communications are not only words but included sniffs and paws and longing looks, scratching at the door, wagging tails, moving ears, sighs and barks, and all the other ways they knew us and we knew them.

    Dear leavesandpetals, you are only human, and we sometimes get cross and lose our tempers, and it is only when something really bad happens, like the loss of our pets, that we think how could we have been so horrible? We ignore the fact that for the most part we have been loving to our pets, and their love and the majority of our experiences have been good beyond belief. So I hope you know that the few times you scolded Cutie she got over long before you did. Cutie knew what was important, and it was your love and care, not the few times you got mad.

    Which brings me to you giving a sick dog, who was in pain and closing in on death, a drug that ended her pain and might have hastened her death. There was a reason you chose what you did, and it was because you knew that to let her suffer further would not have been beneficial to either of you. I know that you would give the world to have her with you still, but that was not an option.

    YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. Because you loved Cutie. We should all be so lucky.

    All my best,
    Kate and Homer.

  • Eugenee
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Removed

    This post was edited by Eugenee on Fri, Mar 1, 13 at 21:12

  • JLM188
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I cannot believe that this posting started back in 2008 and there are still people adding to it. I lost my little black poodle almost 3 weeks ago. I rescued her when she was about 5 yrs old and had her for over 9 years - from day 1 she was the perfect pet. She came house trained, obedience trained, and was easily trick trained. She never chewed a single thing, and was so calm and well-behaved that I could sneak her into movies, outdoor plays, board meetings, etc, and she would just sleep on my lap the whole time. I knew I would some day lose her (I lost a beloved soul mate cat 12 years ago and knew how bad it could be), but I still just couldn't imagine it. In the end, it happened suddenly and unexpected - I lost her in a matter of hours. Luckily, my friends, family, and even my boss at work understand how devastating this is for me. Everyone who knew me and my dog understood that we had a very special and very deep bond. My mother died just a little over 4 mos ago (also sudden and unexpected), and it was very hard, but not as hard as losing my dog. (In the last year I also lost my grandmother and several friends, and my father died over 16 years ago - so I know what it is like to experience the death of a loved one.) And yet, my dog is the worst. As Kate said in one of her posts - it feels like the brightest thing in my life - the thing that gave me the most joy and happiness - is gone. I don't really care about anything - the only thing I want is my little dog back. Still, I told her every single day that I loved her (multiple times a day). She was a very happy dog and we loved being together. Although I wish I had taken her to the vet a day or two sooner, I believe she was ready to go when she did. I also sense that she is okay with this transition, and is, in fact, looking forward to her next incarnation. Indeed, she seems to be dealing with this much better than I am, and I think part of the reason why her spirit feels so strong is because she was so loved and protected by me in her lifetime. The truth is, I will die some day, too -- we all will -- but we won't all be loved and cared for as much and as well as I cared for my little dog. So many people have said that its hard to lose a pet because they love us so unconditionally -- and I agree, but I think the hardest thing is that WE love them so unconditionally. As wonderful as it feels to be loved, it's even better to love something else with utter devotion. There's really nothing that I love more than my little dog, and nothing that I could miss more than her.

  • Lost2
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    My heart is hurting.

    I lost my Yorkie "Black Jack" today. I didn't expect it to impact me so hard. I've had him for fifteen years, and I new it was bound to happen sooner or later. I just wasn't expecting it to be accidental. A friend was caring for him, and he got hit by a car. He was the best....so disciplined. When I took him to the groomer and let him down, he would start barking hello at the groomer and run and get into the crate where he new he was supposed to go. So smart. He had one toy that was his favorite...a camo bone. That bone had seen better days from all the fetching! I am truly going to miss you Jack.

    I feel for all of you that have posted

  • Lost2
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    My heart is hurting.

    I lost my Yorkie "Black Jack" today. I didn't expect it to impact me so hard. I've had him for fifteen years, and I new it was bound to happen sooner or later. I just wasn't expecting it to be accidental. A friend was caring for him, and he got hit by a car. He was the best....so disciplined. When I took him to the groomer and let him down, he would start barking hello at the groomer and run and get into the crate where he new he was supposed to go. So smart. He had one toy that was his favorite...a camo bone. That bone had seen better days from all the fetching! I am truly going to miss you Jack.

    I feel for all of you that have posted

  • MissingMyLilBoy
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    On March 10 It will be 3 months since my boy passed away. I have my good and bad days. Like JLM188 said I really don't care about anything still. I try to keep busy, watch TV. But all that does is make me stay awake later and later. When I used to do that with Pookie, he would give me a look and that always made me turn off the TV and sleep. But now he isn't here to do that. I would give anything to have him back with me.
    Last night I had a dream. I was camping with my family and of course Pookie was there with me. I was happy. Then I woke up and he was gone.
    A few weeks ago while I was cleaning dishes I heard Pookie growling. Usually when I am in the kitchen my younger brother would play with Pookie and he would growl. I heard him and for a split second I thought he was here with me. I dropped a dish because it shocked me. I just miss him so much. I still haven't forgiven myself. I don't think I ever will.

    I can relate to those who feel like they have isolated themselves. I have done that too. I have felt very irritable due to the lack of sleep. I no longer have patience. I feel like I'm pushing away everyone in my life. When Pookie died, so did I in a way. I feel like a shell of my former self.

  • kms4me
    Original Author
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Dear Lost2,

    I know how much you are missing Black Jack right now, and you have my empathy. Fifteen years is a long time to love and be loved by a dog, and I wish you would have had even more. He sounds like he was wonderful.

    Whether we know the time is coming or, as in your case, the death is sudden and unexpected, there is no easy way to lose a dog. My heart goes out to you.

    All my best,
    Kate

  • kms4me
    Original Author
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Dear MissingMyLilBoy,

    Over the years of this forum, I have received many private emails from people who have lost their dogs, people who did not want to post on a public forum. In many instances it was because they felt the loss of their dog was their fault. The list of causes included drowning, car deaths including two incidents of people running over their dogs and another where the dog fell out of the back of a pick-up truck, a medication overdose, accidental ingestion of antifreeze, shooting, overheating, poisoning, and a case where the owner didn't realize he'd accidentally locked his dog in an empty shed until he found him frozen to death. I think the people didn't post on the forum because they were afraid of being judged by others, but the truth is, no one could judge them more harshly than they were judging themselves.

    When our dogs die, often it is easier to deal with guilt and blame and anger at ourselves than it is to feel the simple but overwhelming grief and loss that they are gone. We mentally punish ourselves and think we don't deserve to be happy, that because we let them down in the end we should suffer even more. We forge a connection between their deaths and the guilt we feel, and it often seens like letting go of the guilt is letting go of one of the last links we have to them.

    But letting go of the guilt is what you need to do. Nothing can change what happened, but guilt can change the experience of loving a wonderful, adorable little dog into a nightmare of pain and blame to the point where you let the awfulness of the way he died overshadow the wonderfulness of the way he lived. I know right now you are so sad and lost, but I think the one thing that will help you get over this is to know that you gave him lots of love and care and that whatever happened at the end is not worth losing sight of that.

    It IS okay to do something that makes you happy, to take your mind off of his death for a while. You can still be sad and grieve, but please try to let the guilt go. Pookie deserves to be remembered with love and joy, not with guilt and recriminations. You deserve that too.

    Be kind to yourself. Pookie would want you to think of him always with happiness.

    Take care,

    Kate

  • blair411
    10 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I have read a lot of the messages posted on here and I can honestly say I relate to every single one of them. I am lucky enough to be able to say that I have never lost a person that was close to me but I lost my best friend 5 years ago and I still can't put into words just how much it hurts to think about her.

    She was so beautiful inside and out and I don't know if I can ever get over her.
    We got her when I was 4 years old and I can't remember a time when she wasn't there. We had to put her to sleep exactly 5 years ago today and I hate myself so much for not being there with her. My parents wouldn't let me and convinced me that I shouldn't see her like that cause I would remember her like that. But ever since she's left, I feel like I should have done everything to be there for her because she's been there for me too. Through everything. Everyone will tell you that I was her favorite person and I can honestly say that she was my soulmate and still is.

    And all I can think about is how much I regret not being there when she closed her eyes for the last time. It is the only thing I would change in my entire life.
    I can't stop feeling like she was disappointed in me for not being there.

    It's been 5 years and I still cry like a baby whenever I let myself go to that place in my head / heart.

    I did say goodbye to her, hugged her about a hundred times, cried with her, took one last picture with her. But I wasn't there in her final moments. And I hate myself for it more than words can say.

    Two nights after she was released of her suffering, which was the first night I spent in our house without her, I had a dream about her which didn't really feel like a dream. She was in it and in the dream I was the only one who could see her, I could even touch her and hug her and say goodbye to her. But only me and no one else.
    I like to think that it was in fact her giving me a chance to say goodbye again, maybe her way of telling me it's okay I wasn't there, I don't know.

    I have had similar dreams a couple of times, I think about 4-5 times. They always feel very different from my other dreams, as if her soul was actually present in that moment. And every time it is the same dream, me being the only one who can see her and touch her, even though she's not alive. The other night I had a dream where I could make her come back from the other side. I woke up and felt horrible.

    People say time heals all wounds. But for me it just seems to get worse.
    I know that 5 years from now, I will still cry my eyes out when I think about her. Because nothing can change the fact that I wasn't there when she left. And she will never come back.

    I miss her.

    Sorry for the rambling.

  • sylviatexas1
    10 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I'm so sorry.

    My own feeling is that your continued grief has a hefty dose of anger at your parents in it, &, in my opinion, rightly so.

    It's been shown again & again that people & animals accept death when they see it;
    it's when they *don't* see it that they are tortured.

    What counted was your relationship with your pet, & she did know you loved her.

    As for that anger, throw some china & scream, & as for the guilt, realize that she did know you loved her:

    'her giving me a chance to say goodbye again, maybe her way of telling me it's okay I wasn't there, I don't know.'

    It was a gift.
    Take it.

  • Debbie Downer
    10 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Blair, one thing that comes to mind is that a lot of times when animals - and people - are able to choose the time of their death they will choose times when their closest people are not present. Animals instinctively often go away and hide.when they are too sick to go on and getting ready to die. My cousin recently died and interestingly, she waited until my uncle (her father) was out of the room before she let go of life. My old 16 yr old cat went and hid somehwere in the house and we couldnt find him till the next day - he hid very well.

    There is no way of knowing for sure, but please consider that possibly your not being there was OK for your pet, that maybe she wasnt disappointed with you (as you feared she mightve been) and it may in fact have been her preference. Like I say, you'll never know for sure but just hold that as a possibility.

    Also consider that where they are - there is no time, time and space as we know it stops existing - I do think she was with you and knew and felt your love whether you were physically present at that moment or not. There is no one right way to die I think, and yet I can understand why your being their would have helped you in your grief process and was important to you.

    One thing that helped me in the past and I will do so again (I have a 22 yr old cat right now who is starting to let go of life) - write their biography, every little thing you remember about them, stories, pictures and then post on one of the pet grief sites and/;or share with family and friends. I think it helped because it was a way to make sure I never forgot - holding on to the grief was a way of holding on to my kitty. Also the pet loss grief groups offered through some humane societies can be good - I found those SO helpful - internet is good, but face to face with others going through the same grief and regrets is just so powerful.

    Take care, Cathy

    This post was edited by kashka_kat on Wed, Jul 24, 13 at 11:05

  • kms4me
    Original Author
    10 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Dear Blair411,

    I am so sorry for your loss. The anniversary of a death brings things back like they happened yesterday.

    At 2:10 tomorrow morning, July 23rd, it will be exactly 5 years ago that my Homer died. Like you were to your dog, I was Homer's favorite person in the world, so I know how much losing that love hurts. I also know too well how much grief, remorse, and second-guessing accompanies the death of an animal who gave you her heart, her soul, and her love without reservation.

    You wrote that you've read a lot of the postings here, so you no doubt know how many of us have felt guilt, like you feel, that we didn't do the right thing or that we somehow let our dog down during their final moments. For every person who has not been there during their dog's passing and regretted it, there is someone who has been there and has been haunted by it. It seems that when we are hurt so deeply, we try to convince ourselves that if something had been different we would not hurt quite as much as we do. But in a situation so sad and awful, there is no way to do the 'right thing', because the death of a dog is just so wrong.

    I understand why you regret not being with your dog when she passed, and I also understand why your parents thought you shouldn't be there. Not only were they worried about you, they may have also feared that your pain and grief would make your dog anxious and the last moments more difficult for her. I am not saying they were right, but as a parent, I can empathize with their wish to protect you from watching your dog die. Your parents were dealing with their own grief at her loss and worrying about what a blow it would be to you. I bet their hearts were breaking too.

    Maybe now, with the five year anniversary of your dog's death, would be a good time to talk to them about their decision and how it affected you, if you haven't already done so. It might be good for them too.

    All my best,

    Kate

  • kms4me
    Original Author
    10 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Dear Blair411,

    I am so sorry for your loss. The anniversary of a death brings things back like they happened yesterday.

    At 2:10 tomorrow morning, July 23rd, it will be exactly 5 years ago that my Homer died. Like you were to your dog, I was Homer's favorite person in the world, so I know how much losing that love hurts. I also know too well how much grief, remorse, and second-guessing accompanies the death of an animal who gave you her heart, her soul, and her love without reservation.

    You wrote that you've read a lot of the postings here, so you no doubt know how many of us have felt guilt, like you feel, that we didn't do the right thing or that we somehow let our dog down during their final moments. For every person who has not been there during their dog's passing and regretted it, there is someone who has been there and has been haunted by it. It seems that when we are hurt so deeply, we try to convince ourselves that if something had been different we would not hurt quite as much as we do. But in a situation so sad and awful, there is no way to do the 'right thing', because the death of a dog is just so wrong.

    I understand why you regret not being with your dog when she passed, and I also understand why your parents thought you shouldn't be there. Not only were they worried about you, they may have also feared that your pain and grief would make your dog anxious and the last moments more difficult for her. I am not saying they were right, but as a parent, I can empathize with their wish to protect you from watching your dog die. Your parents were dealing with their own grief at her loss and worrying about what a blow it would be to you. I bet their hearts were breaking too.

    Maybe now, with the five year anniversary of your dog's death, would be a good time to talk to them about their decision and how it affected you, if you haven't already done so. It might be good for them too.

    All my best,

    Kate

  • bobbyprior
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Sitting in bed this morning with great fat tears rolling out, I somehow felt desperate to find someone one or anything that could help ease my pure anguish, pain and sadness.
    Yesterday my husband and I had to say goodbye to one of the bravest and characterful dogs we have ever owned.
    Ludwig was was an 11 year old Affenpinscher. My Husbands choice, and my joy.
    We had him from a tiny 8 weeks. He was minuscule. Over our lives we have had many dogs. Husband is a vet. It happens. All of our dogs ( and cats too) have been special, but Ludwig more special than most. I guess we got him just as our children were leaving the 'nest' and he became the younger child still at home.
    I worked as an occupational therapist before retirement and Ludwig became a P.A.T dog visiting elderly folk with dementia. They all loved him, but not and much as me.
    Through his life Ludwig was stubborn, amusing, loyal and always there. He travelled everywhere with us. He walked everywhere with us. He lived, ate and breathed in unison , but always remained his own little 'person' just like a child does.
    Friends queued up to look after him for the odd weekend or period when we had to leave him. The children fought custody over him to look after him too.

    Simply put we loved him with all our hearts. Of course there were times when we scalded him, despaired at his irritating habits or cursed the interruptions of his attention seeking when we were trying to get stuff done. That's life.
    But we would of course still love him. As you do.

    He suddenly became unwell. Over the years he had had his fair share of health issues, mainly due to joint problems, which vet 'dad' had fixed.
    This though was different. He went off his food. Drank more. Looked uncomfortable.
    Tests revealed acute pancreatitis due to suspected neoplasia.
    Six weeks later, our little dog was fading fast.

    We spent one last morning with him. He lay in the garden while we pottered around him. We talked and stroked him. We laughed and chatted as normal. He lay there his chin on a favourite toy, listening and always watching, even though he was weak and fading. He even sat up and looked straight at the camera when I told him I wanted some photos. A first. He normally hated his picture being taken and always looked away. And when his little body started to cool and shake a little, we knew it was time. I held him in my arms while vet 'dad' injected his little leg. I kissed and cuddled him and war said we loved him and our goodbyes. Afterwards we both cried like babies.

    We wrapped him in his favourite blanket laid flowers from the garden on him and buried him under an old apple tree in the orchard, alongside many other previous pets.

    And we/ I hurt. A lot. We have lost more than a dog. We are bereft and our home no longer home. Our lives no longer complete. A big chunk missing.
    Such a little dog, but such a huge chunk. Our hearts are broken and there is nothing that we can do but ride the pain and hope that someday we will feel better. I hope this makes sense to those going through the same thing. I am not unique in feeling such pain, I just feel so alone at the moment and guilty at all those times that Ludwig was chastised or I felt irritated. When all the time all I felt was love.

    That's all. It helps to write this.

  • Manley21
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I've read through many of the messages posted here and am so glad I found this site. On August 1 (yes, just a few weeks ago), me and my girlfriend had to put our beloved Siberian Husky, Cinnamon, to sleep. She was 15 and a half years old. We had found her in a pet shop when she was eight weeks old and it was love at first sight. We both cried like babies when we had to say goodbye to her. We knew she was old (especially for a dog her size) and I thought I was prepared because she had been showing many signs of advanced age in her final months. Then about a week before we had to put her to sleep, we discovered she had cancer. I knew the time was coming so I tried to be ready for the inevitable. But I found that this was not the case. I still think of her almost constantly and the tears have not stopped. I have gone through the deaths of my parents and others I have known and loved but dealing with the death of my dog has been much harder. I really didn't know why until I started looking for answers on the internet. True dog lovers, as many people have stated, love their dogs as part of the family. Cinnamon was definitely part of the family. She became our second child. One incident that cemented that fact occurred when she was two years old. We had gone to a friend's reception (he had his wedding overseas but came back to the States to have his reception so family and friend could attend). We stayed at his parents house and they had told us that it was okay to bring Cinnamon. They all loved Cinnamon and showered tons of attention on her. For anyone that has had a Siberian Husky, they know that huskies cannot be watch dogs as they love everyone, including strangers. Because of this, I tended to believe that she didn't care who she was with as long as they gave her attention. She proved me wrong. After the reception, we were preparing to drive home and we were packing the car for the trip home. My son, my girlfriend and I were all outside while Cinnamon was waiting inside. She started howling because she thought we were going to leave her behind and wouldn't stop howling until we brought her outside with us. We knew then that we were her family and she wanted to be with us. Through the years, she has always been here. Now that she is gone, I just feel a huge hole in my life. All the routines we had with her are gone.
    Daily walks, which she loved and pretty much demanded are no more. Watching her sleep always comforted us. Now, that is gone. Stroking her beautiful coat and hugging her, gone. Seeing her 'husky' smile which in turn made us smile, gone. Just a few of the things that made her who she was. I felt so guilty at first because I could hear what some people would say, "She's just a dog. How can you miss her more than your parents?" And being a man, I have to go hide somewhere and cry when thoughts of Cinnamon overwhelm me. But after reading through many of these posts, I realize that I am definitely not alone in my feelings. I know it's going to take a long time before the tears stop flowing and the hurt diminishes. I know that right now, it is way too soon to have another pet in my life and not really sure I want to go through the agony of a pet's death again. I know life goes on and I am trying to find things to fill the emptiness of not having my dog around. She can't ever be replaced but we made a small shrine where her urn, a plaster paw print, some of her soft fur, and pictures of her are kept. Just like bobbyprior posted above, I know that huge hole that exists now with the passing of Cinnamon.

    Everyone, that came here to find words of comfort, I empathize with you. Posting here really helps with the grief. I pray for all of you and know that even though your beautiful pet is gone, they will always be in your heart and mind. Dwell on the happy memories and try to remember that if your pet was still here and they could talk, they would tell you that you still need to live your life and try to be happy and good toward others. Thanks to all of you that have read my ramblings and I wish you comfort in your loss.

  • sylviatexas1
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I'm so sorry.

    One thing that may help you climb over that "do I love my dog more than I loved my parents?" worry is this:

    Part of a parent's job is to teach their offspring how to live without them, so we're under some pressure to prove ourselves.

    Our pets accept everything.

    They never say "I raised you better than this" or "You did WHAT?"

    Result:
    Our pets are usually the only beings in our lives with whom we don't censor our emotions;
    they're the only ones who don't care if we ever grow up,
    if we make a lot of money,
    if we're smart;
    there are no "ifs"; they adore us.

    Again, I'm so sorry.

  • ramyjoy3
    8 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    I was just reading these posts. My heart is aching for all of you. Today I am in such a state of mourning. It has been 6 months since I lost my Murphy and I just still miss him so. He was only 5 and I feel he just got cheated out of living his life. He was a Sheltie and just the most personable, social, kind, loving, sweet, beautiful boy. We had just returned from a vacation at Myrtle Beach and he seemed happy and healthy. He started vomiting a few days later. We thought he had a flu bug. A day later he seemed lethargic so I called the vet and made an appointment for a few hours later. His condition worsened in that time. By the time I took him to the vet he was alive, but like dead weight in my arms. His vitals were okay but the vet suspected something was going on with his liver and we got him to an emergency clinic where they ran all kinds of tests. His liver numbers were off the chart. We left him there overnight and they gave him iv fluids and otherwise tried to treat him. The next day I intended to go visit him earlier -- they said he was hanging in there -- but got an unexpected visit from my sister, so delayed my visit by a couple of hours, although I called to check on him several times. By the time I was pulling into the driveway of the clinic, the vet called my cell and said Murphy had taken a turn for the worse. He was alive when I went in and I believe he knew I was there. I laid with him for hours and tried to comfort him and I begged him to live. He was failing fast and groaning. They urged me to euthanize him, but I didn't have to make that decision because has passed on his own about a moment later. They said it was pancreatitis. I spent $1500 trying to save him but I would have spent as much as it took to keep him alive. I have another dog, Sweetie, who was here before Murphy, and who I love beyond words. She is my girl and I thought she would be all I ever wanted, until Murphy, my grand-dog, came along when my daughter had to move to another state. Sweetie and Murphy were the best of friends. I also have 6 beautiful, wonderful, loving cats. I can tell they are all STILL mourning the loss of Murphy. He is buried in my yard and we visit and leave flowers all the time. I just can't stop thinking that if I would have taken him sooner to the vet...if I would have visited him earlier at the clinic...maybe my presence would have given him comfort and kept him alive. It has been 6 months and I miss him so. I miss his face, his voice, his personality. I just miss him. I can't believe he is gone and I can't seem to get over it. I feel like I am not living in the moment with my wonderful pets that are still here. We all miss him so. Why was he taken so early? He didn't even get the opportunity to live his fill life. God, please help me through this terrible heartache.

  • ramyjoy3
    8 years ago

    Dear bobbyprior, your post hit home. That is what caused the death of my beloved Sheltie, Murphy, at the tender age of 5. See my post above this one. It has been 7 months and I am still crying. There is no other like him. Just wanted to tell you that your beautiful words meant something to me and I hope your path gets smoother as time goes on. Your Ludwig was special, indeed.

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