loss of a niece

18 years ago

My niece was killed in a tragic car accident just 5 months ago. At just 13 1/2 it doesn't seem fair - there just doesn't seem to be any reasoning to have this make sense. My brother and his wife and my other niece were all badly injured and are still recovering. My sister in law isn't yet walking and we're not sure what lays down the track for her as one leg is not healing at all.

I've never experienced anything like this in my life. I at least don't cry uncontrollably every day now - just the occasional waterfall of tears. My eight year old is finding it too sad to deal with.

My lost niece's birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and I don't know how to handle this - do we each acknowledge it in our own way or should we do something as a family. I don't know if we can cope with the sadness that would occur. How do we get through this when the physical injuries are still so apparent? I look forward to some words of wisdom.

Comments (4)

Gerry1117
18 years ago
aussieng,

I don't know if I have any words of wisdom, but my heart does go out to you. Find someone to talk to about it. Talk to your own child, listen to his/her heartache. Grief can be so overwhelming for a child. Perhaps you could suggest your child write a letter to the cousin. Sometimes children find things easier to write down than to express orally. Cry together, hug each other. Your brother and his family who were so badly injured might want to have a little memorial - on the other hand, they may want to grieve alone. That first birthday after a loved one dies is so hard. It's still early enough in the year to plant something - perhaps you might like to plant a tree in your nieces's memory, or a small perennial garden - a "memory garden". Whatever you decide to do, please share your feelings with someone.
I will be thinking of you and your family in the coming days. Plese feel free to e-mail me if you need to. I have experienced the loss of one of my children, so I do understand what you are going through. God bless.
Gerry
socks
18 years ago
I think it is good to be together at times like your dear niece's birthday, that is if your sister in law and brother want to be with family. Sometimes being with people is not that appealing, but being alone is worse.

When my father died, my neighbor called on me. I really didn't want company, but invited her in to be polite. She sat on the sofa and we talked about my dad, and I felt a lot better after she left.
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Nell, Thank you for the kind welcome. It's hard to understand why these things happen. I'm trying to be positive with the thought that the five year old is alive when he really should not be. My niece was killed instantly and I like to think that she got to heaven and said to God..OK, you got me and I'm glad to be here, but can't we keep the little guy with the family for now...And God smiled and said, yes. Susan, My mom also lost her mom when she was quite young. There was a book called "Motherless Daughters" that helped me understand a little of what she went through. I would love to read more...Can you make suggestions? All of the children are boys. Four beautiful sons from a beautiful woman. Thank you. Emma, That's what I was going to name my last little one if he had been a girl! Thank you so much for your kind words. I am familiar with compassionate friends. A wonderful resource. I am so sorry for your loss. Talking does help, and I cann't talk to any of my family because right now I have to appear stong. That has always been my family role, and seems to continue to be. Thanks for the welcome. Lu, What a beautiful daughter you have. Thank you for your kind words. I do beleive in an afterlife and I believe that Nikki is now with my dad in heaven. She was the only grandchild for the first seven years of her life and was secretly my dad's favorite. This gives me comfort. My niece was also an exceptionally beautiful girl. Her husband decided to keep the casket open for the family visitation and then close it to the public. The two older boys made their own decision about seeing their mom. The oldest decided not to but the nine year old wanted to see her. When I asked him a few days later how he felt about seeing his mom, he said he was glad he did. I asked him how it felt that she didn't look like herself. He looked at me with a small smile on his face and said with words that only a child could come up with ...She took her beauty with her. Thank you all, I hope I can someday, be able to share comfort with others the way you have shared with me. susan
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Our prayers are added, and big hugs to you Ms. Eva. If you need a place to stay over this way, we have a special room with your name on it! J
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Klc, my sister, mother and neighbor all have home ponds. My neighbor's is the largest with the largest waterfall. All three built their own (well, we kids built my mom's from a basic pond kit). It helps to know what you are doing and to select plants that filter. I'd take the fall to research the options-- but as tinam noted, a well-planned pond doesn't take a lot of maintenance once everything is in balance. My sister had a party last weekend and her pond was just breathtaking-- the lotus was in bloom .. and water hyacinth (which is an excellent filter for the top of the waterfall) was thick and bright. Definitely a showstopper. They collected their own river rocks for the waterfall so it looked much more natural than the faux stone ones. I would be surprised if you couldn't buy a basic pond and build your own fountain for under $500. All of their ponds have been designed to attract both butterflies and hummingbirds.. just enchanting and such a wonderful tribute to your niece. I don't know where you are located.. but another lovely tree is a weeping dogwood. It is so delicate and pretty-- and it creates one of those magical umbrella spaces that anele mentioned. I would also look into flowers with symbolic meaning. I have seen gardens that "tell a story" through the flowers and they are just lovely and have such sweet meaning that lasts through the years. Here is a link that might be useful: Symbolic meaning of flowers
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lulie___wayne
18 years ago
I'm so sorry about the loss of your little niece and the injuries and grief that the family is dealing with.
I have lost my child also and from my experience, I think that you should openly talk to your brother and his family as to what they would like to go on for your niece's birthday. Let them know that you want to be there for them and you won't be offended if they just want to spend the day alone.
My daughter was killed just a week before her 20th birthday, so it was really too soon for us to plan anything, but shortly afterward, we planned a beautiful memorial which was to take place for her next birthday.
We had a memorial at the cemetery which many of her friends and family attended. We had our priest come to the cemetery and bless her grave and pray. Her friends stood individually and spoke of Christin and their fond memories etc. We all released balloons and had a moment of silence. After that was over with, we all went to the church where our priest conducted a beautiful memorial mass for her. My husband and I were happier that day than we had been the entire year. It was extremely healing for us.
Many times, the anticipation of those special days are worse than the actual day. One of the most helpful things is for people to continue to talk to them about their daughter and let them know that they have not forgotten her.
Lu

Here is a link that might be useful: Christin Cosby Memorial Web Site
port_2009
15 years ago
I lost my niece, Whitley, in a car accident just over a year ago. She was coming home from volleyball practice and was hit by a truck that did not stop at the highway before he crossed. She had just turned 17 a couple weeks before the accident. To say that this has changed our family is a gross understatement. My little sister continues to find the energy to get out of bed each morning, but sometimes I don't know how. For myself, I feel like I need to be the "strong" one for everyone else. My own 2 daughters were extremely close to Whitley so it has been very difficult on them as well. Whitley was killed in Sept. of 2007, so of course the holiday season of '08 was excruciating. We all went through the motions but it was a very emotional time for all of us. Her first birthday after the accident was also tough. Her mom took a bday cake out to the cemetery and they had a "party" for her. Very sad. Sometimes it seems like not only did we lose Whitley in the accident, I lost my sister as well. She is forever changed. Period. She will never be the person she was before the accident and I know that. But I miss her. We talk about Whitley a lot. It somehow helps in remembering her silliness and the fun times we had with her. It does not get easier, I guess time just helps you somehow learn to find a new normal. I truly pray that you and your family will be comforted in many ways.

loss of a niece

Comments (4)

Gerry1117

socks

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