Hello every one! I would just like to take this opportunity to thank you 3 for your words. Much appreciated! Lulie, Can't imagine how it is to later also loose your 19 year old. Some say it's even "harder" than loosing a parent. Though, in my humble opinion, a loss is a loss. We feel the same hurt and emotions. Although, I obviously miss her very much, I am happy she didn't really suffer and that it was relatively quick. Just felt it was too soon and definitely preventable. Makes me a little angry thinking about it to tell you all the truth. If only she had been willing to see the doctor on a regular basis. Unfortunately that was her own choosing. I realize there was nothing I could have done there. I keep thinking of that point over and over from time to time. I know I shouldn't. To avoid thinking about the "...should have, could have..." scaariios. How did you get from the day you lost your mother/daughter to this day? Just try to take things one day at a time? Keeping busy doing things you normally would have done? Curious. Any one can comment on this btw... Me, I'm just taking it day by day. As I said. Lately, it's just the mornings that are hard for some odd reason. As the day goes on I have an "easier" time. Though, for the past few days, my mornings have been better. Shorter bouts of saddness. Jennmonkey, As I mentioned. I'm presently unemployed so I haven't gone through what you just mentioned yet. Though, when I was working I never called home to my mother. I think it's coming home after work and not seeing her around that might hit me initially. Or not. I don't know. Can I ask you how it was being only 19 and loosing your mother at that time? If it's too hard to talk about I'll understand. I'm just thinking that is about the time you're in University preparing for your life. How for some people it might hinder their ability to function. Especially in such a difficult time. And I though my time with my mother was "short"...39 years. Also can I ask you how old you are now? I just hope I don't suddenly loose control of my emotions at work. Maybe I'm a little old fashioned. That "men shouldn't cry" at least in public. I suppose it's the same either way when you're at work. You don't want your co-workers to think you're freaking out. Going postal. That and you don't really want to tell them all you had recently lost a parent and treat you "special". Any how, thanks again for your comments people! I will definitely keep you posted. I do feel better being able to talk with people who have also lost a family member. It never hits you till it happens to you. Have a good week!

I lost my Mom suddenly 6 weeks ago due to health issues, so I understand part of what you're feeling. It's hard dealing with unexpected deaths or tragic accidents. From what I've learned in the grief group I attend, you have to let yourself feel the pain or it will come back later in a worse way. So I kind of think it's too soon for you to go back to your normal routine, although I would never give anyone advice since this is all so very individual. This sentence you wrote struck me...."She was dealt a really bad hand in life and coped the best she could, she was the best Mom she could possibly be giving the pain she was exposed to and the subsequent decisions she made to deal with that pain."......I think it's very healthy that you acknowledge the cards your Mom was dealt and give her credit for coping the best she could, yet you also know that she made decisions in the way she coped too. This is a healthy way to look at it. It sounds like you were very close and I know how hard it is to lose a Mom you are close to. I hope you can find some joy and strength with your husband and kids.

Thank you all for your kind and comforting words. I know I haven't corresponded since my initial posting. Its been hard, extremely hard. Some days are good and then the bad days erupt. I am still numb and feel empty and angry. I am however, blessed when it comes to friends, but its not the same. I miss they both. My mom and I may not have been close at the end, but I did love her despite our differences. She was difficult and hard to please. I know that I did all I could, even though it rarely seemed to be good enough. Its painful for me to talk about my brother..still so many unanswered questions. Some questions may never be answered. Obviously, nothing changes the end result. I don't know why I decided to return to this forum again. Perhaps I don't want to burden my friends with my heavy heart. They have been so supportive and wonderful that I just don't want them to see this side of me. I want and need them to believe that I am OKAY. They worry so much about me and I don't want to add to it. thank you for letting me express these feelings and for listening to me.

Oh, Mush, I'm so, so sorry. I know you must be exhausted, both physically and mentally. My mom has had three light strokes in the last six weeks and the confusion, esp. at night, has increased a bunch. When she slips up it scares me to death. This morning when I brought her home from the hospital and saw one of her conditions listed as dementia I could have cried. Get you a bunch of rest and try and comfort yourself with the fact that now she is finally at peace. You haven't lost your mom - you'll carry her with you until the day you die! ((Marsha))