I lost my husband of 38 years 30 days ago and it has been so hard. He needed a liver, which was diagnosed in June, he was in and out of the hospital. His last stay was for six weeks and until the last couple of days I just knew he was going to get one. I was devastated when I lost him. I feel empty and lost. even though we have 3 wonderful grown daughters it is not the same. sometimes I feel like I cant go on without him. I feel like a I have no purpose. Everywhere I look or go, reminds me of him, my heart hurts so much. I know that God doesn't give us more than we can bear, and I am trying to believe that but its hard. I have my family,friends and church but its still so very hard. I know life goes on but I feel at a standstill and don't really want to go on. I feel like it was just happened yesterday, its just been so hard to go on.

Deb, I am the same way. My brother passed away over a year ago (I did not find out about that until 2 months afterward), and my mother just this past January. I think about death almost all the time now, and if not exactly death, then how my end will come, what disease will I get, who will take care of me. I read about the wonderful people on the caregivers forum, and as I have no children, I wonder what will become of me (I'm 45). What happens to those who can no longer speak for themselves? What happens? Sometimes the fear grips me so bad, I fear "losing it". Maybe that will be my punishment for not helping with the caregiving for my mother, and now for my very ill father. My sister was/is in charge of all that. Why? A long story...and I feel that although I am not entirely blameless in how things turned out, the twists and turns of our lives, our actions, our words, or lack of them, our whole family, led to the tragic situation as it unfolded. But I still feel guilt. When not thinking about death, I have other such morbid thoughts, like having visions/dreams of someone chopping down all my old trees after I'm gone, bulldozing my beloved perennial garden, throwing out my knick-knacks, books, letters.... Geez, I need a drink.... Anna

This is an old post, but found it and wanted to share two things that happened to me. Sorry, this is long. I had a friend and neighbor for 30 years, but I had moved 20 miles away. We kept in touch, but I hadn't heard from him for awhile, or contacted him, so called one day, and his phone had been disconnected. He was in his 60's at the time and not the best health. I thought he had died, and no one had told me. So I went to see about him. I knocked on his door and he came to the door, and he looked terrible. Always was a slim build, but he looked like he had lost more weight, and he had a long beard...whereas he had used to always be clean shaven. To make a long story short, he was very depressed. I had been just about his only contact, being very much a loner. He hadn't picked up his mail or paid any bills...so phone was cut off. He wasn't even aware of it. He had no edible food in his house....a couple of moldy burritos in his fridge, and wine bottles stacked like cordwood in all the cabinets. I picked up his mail, got him to write checks to pay his bills, bought groceries for him....and wine and cigarettes, since that was what he mainly existed on, and by going to to the liquor store for him, it kept him from driving. I straightened up his house and did his laundry. I promised I would look after him until he died. He had been diagnosed with emphysema years prior, and his family doctor had chastised him for smoking. He had said he would quit...even bought some nicotine patches, but never used them. He didn't quit smoking and he never went back to the doctor. How long could he possibly last? A few weeks? A couple of months? He lived 8 years!! Every day I went to see him, and brought food for him...which he seldom ate, I didn't try to make him do anything, but every day I asked him if he wanted to go to the doctor or did he want me to contact his family. He always said no. I think he lived so long because I am very healthy, and I haven't been sick in years, and he never left his house the last four years of his life. I took care of everything for him...his yard, house, even getting someone to come in and cut his hair. Once in a blue moon, he would shave. I was there every day, sometimes twice a day, and a couple of times, 4 times. I slept on his floor a couple of times when I thought death was near. Remember...it was a 40 mile round trip to where I lived. I furnished him with books and magazines and movies to watch. Got him interested in talk radio to give him a little diversion. In other words, I did everything I could to make him happy. He was a very intelligent man and a voracious reader. We had many long talks over the years. We both knew he didn't have long to live. I asked him if he would contact me if he could, after he passed. He didn't believe in an afterlife and told me so. Still, every so often, I would ask him again. I think to shut me up, he finally agreed. Still, I would sometimes remind him. I was with him when he died. He went quickly when his time came. I went in the kitche to get him a Gatorade, which he had said he wanted, and came back...two short breaths and he was gone. After he died, I dreamed about him several times. In one dream he was taIking to me on the phone, and he asked me why I didn't come see him any more. I hated to tell him that he had died, and the niece he didn't like was living in his house. But, I did tell him, and he said, so incredulous...like he had never considered it. "Are you sure about that?" It was exactly like something he would say if we were having a conversation before he passed. For several weeks, I didn't dream about him any more, and then I had a dream and he told me he had something to tell me....but before I found out what it was, I woke up. I tried to go back to sleep, hoping to finish the dream, but I couldn't. I finally got up and when I walked around the foot of the bed, there was the letter K (his name was Ken). It was made out of dozens of little drops of water. I was home alone. My husband was away at work for two weeks. No water in the room. No pets. Completely alone. I can't even say I was shocked. I knew it was Ken. I knew he would contact me if he could. I started to not even take a picture of it. He was a very private person, and he wouldn't have liked that I took a picture and showed it to anyone, but I did, and sadly I lost it when I lost my phone. So you will have to take my word for it, and of course, you don't know me, but it is the truth. So here is the second one: My husband had a terminal illness. He had asbestosis and pulmonary fibrosis. We lived on a bayou, and flooded badly during Hurricane Harvey. Lost just about everything...8' of water in the yard and 4' in the house. He could no longer work, and since I have horses, he wanted me to have a place that made taking care of them easier. So we moved 175 miles away, to east Texas. He passed away about 18 months later. I asked him to contact me if he could. Unlike Ken, I didn't have to talk him into it. He said he would. (However, I did remind him a few times}. About two weeks after he died, my niece sent me a gift...it was a clip with his name on it, the year he was born, the year he died, and the words...."Your wings were ready, but my heart was not." I knew it was a clip of some kind but not what it was for. A couple of days later, someone told me it was a visor clip for your vehicle. Oh. So I was going to go out and put it in my truck. But I couldn't find it. It had been laying on the kitchen counter. I looked everywhere for it. Under the furniture....never found it. I felt terrible. I had moved away, and would probably not see my niece again, but if I did...I wouldn't have it. I felt terrible. I even considered ordering one just like it, in case I did see her again. Six weeks passed. Covid restrictions let up here....I was glad to be able to be out and about again. I went to the thrift shop that had just re-opened. I had indigestion. I knew I had a bottle of Tums in my truck. It has bucket seats, and I thought the bottle had fallen between the console and the seat. I got down and looked under the seat on the driver's side. Not there. I went around to the passenger side, looked under that seat...there they were. Took two and went in the shop. Came out about an hour later, opened the door on the driver's side, and there was the clip. First thing I saw when I opened the door. It wasn't there when I went in...I would have seen it, especially since I got down and looked under the seat. You may think I had taken it to the truck and forgotten about it, but if I had done that I would have put it on the visor, and I didn't even know what it was for until someone told me, and then I couldn't find it. So those are my signs. I had asked my husband for something specific. I live in the country. There are milions of butterflies and cardinals here. I wanted something to be sure. It has given me a lot of comfort. I still miss him terribly and sometimes the grief catches me by surprise and is so painful again, but this tells me, he is okay, and he is near.

The exact same type of death happened recently in our town. Our BFF's daughter who comes over all the time, lost her DH in a wreck on the way to work. He was in his 30's, left behind his wife and young son. They also lost their firstborn at 18mos. So you can imagine the sadness. With this being a small town we all gathered around her and her son, who is BFF's with my grandson. Food, someone spent the night with her all the time, lots of flowers, and several funds. We donated money, but what everyone needs to remember is she and her son need to feel the love, even if they're over flowing in food and flowers. Many take some food and flowers home, but at least she and her son saw how loved they are. I think your neighbor is feeling the love which I'm sure is helping right now. I wouldn't stress about it. It's a good thing.