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Just lost my mother a little over 3 weeks ago :(

Posted by DarkDTSHD (My Page) on
Fri, Jun 24, 05 at 13:27

Hello all,

This is my first post. Just lost my mother a little over 3 weeks ago. Thought I might find comfort in a "grieving forum" like this. Reading about experiences and tips for coping from others who had lost love ones before me (or after).

I lost my mother to a sudden massive heart attack. We (my immediate family...father and younger sister) didn't see it coming. The night before it happened my mother and father had just attended a 40th Wedding anniversary celebration for one of their close friends. She was fine. No signs.

Then the next day, May 30th, my sister finds her slumped against the wall in our powder room of our house. She was so histerical at first she couldn't communicate. Just kept yelling out my name and "Mom!! MOM!!!".

Any how, the parametics came and did what they could. Firemen came first. Found that strange at first. And because my mother had refused to see the doctor for too many years we couldn't tell the parametics what kind of medical afflictions she might have. We all had no idea what kind of considtions she might have been suffering from inside.

What pissed me off inside was that two of the fireman were giggling. What about I had no idea. Just ignored their unprofessional behavior. Didn't want to start anything. Even one of the parametics giggled. But stopped quickly realizing where she was. Don't know if they now know my mother passed roughly an hour later at the hospital.

The doctors tried to do what they could I suppose. Spent over an hour I think. Used an external pacemaker. Didn't help. I had to wait at home while my father and sister were at the hospital because we have a dog. We all thought it wasn't that serious because the she was breathing as the parametics wheeled her out of the house. They seemed happy go lucky. Like it was nothing serious. We thought she would be coming home that night.

That night was rough. We all couldn't sleep a wink. I spent the night/morning pacing around the house.

That week was the worst. Next day, a Tuesday (May 31st), we had to go to the funeral home to make arrangements and then to lunch. Wasn't that hungry but did eat a little something. Tough day. Broke out crying a few times. Wasn't thinking of her at all. I just lost it. I was numb that entire week.

Then on the Thursday we had to go to the crematorium. As it was her wish to be creamated and later have her ashes scattered over a body of water...won't be dealing with that for a few months at least. As we said our goodbyes I lost it again. Legs went numb and immediately had to sit in a chair. I couldn't even stand in the room where the oven was all the time. Kept walking in and out. Crying uncontrollably. I was a mess.

I've never cried like that in my life. I think my rib cage was heaving. Rising up and down in rhythum as I wept. Later in the day I felt pains in my solar plexes region. Was as if some one punched me there.

I couldn't stand in the room with the oven because I didn't want to have horrific visions later. But so far I haven't. A good thing.

Friday was the day of the service. Another very hard day. Seeing lots of old family friends. The service was 2-4pm so obviously many couldn't attend. But those that did...there was a very good showing as most of my parents friends are retired.

Was happy my oldest buddie showed up. He luckily had time off in the afternoon. Glad he was there. And happy to see as many of my parents good friends show up.

Btw...my mother was only 68. My father is 78. Or so. I'm male...in my late 30's.

Sorry for going on so long. Guess I had to let that out.

Any how, these past weeks have been better. Though I still have periods of depression. Usually in the morning. Feeling better as the day went on.

I too have been going through a "rollercoaster of emotions" as one of the members mentioned. Questioning life, god, my existence...etc. Asking myself questions like "How do I go on?" over and over. When I first asked myself this in the later part of the first week I couldn't answer it. Had a few "panic attacks". I'd never wish those on any one. Never had them before.

Found I usually put myself there. Making myself depressed enough.

Luckily I haven't had any panic attacks for over 2 weeks. Just periodic bouts of depression. Usually in the mornings as I mentioned.

Guess I better stop here. :) Haven't gone back to work yet as I am presently unemployed. So, I don't know how that will feel when I start working again.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Just lost my mother a little over 3 weeks ago :(

I'm very sorry to read your post and my heart goes out to you. I hope you find some comfort and less anxiety in the upcoming days.


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RE: Just lost my mother a little over 3 weeks ago :(

I'm so sorry about your mom. My mother died suddenly when I was 19 (she was 40), and I felt exactly like you did. I didn't really see how I could continue living without her. The first few months were basically a fog, just went through the motions and tried not to cry in public or at work. I remember the one time I "forgot" she had died, and I almost picked up the phone to call her from work (as I had done a thousand times). When it hit me it was like it just happened all over again. Just know it will get a little easier day by day, although you will always miss her and be sad having her gone. I just believe that my mom is around (I feel she has given me little signs of this), and I talk to her whenever I feel like it. I have also had the anxiety attacks and know how terrible they are. If you feel one coming on, just go outside where you can get some fresh air and take deep breaths. So sorry you have to go through this.


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RE: Just lost my mother a little over 3 weeks ago :(

Hi, Andrew. I'm sorry for the reason that you have to be here, but glad you found our forum.
I'm so very sorry about the loss of your mom. I also know how hard it is to lose a mom because I lost my mom suddenly on June 3 of last year. She had Alzheimer's but could still talk, walk and was not incontinent or anything like that yet. I believe that she died of a brain hemmorhage and I was there when it happened. I still have visions of that occuring as well as her afterwards when I was trying to contact family. It's a horrible thing, I know. I have also lost my beautiful 19 year old, only daughter. I can say with certainty that I am very familiar with grief.
All of your emotions are so very "normal". They will ease as time goes by. The best advice that I can give you is to try to keep your faith. As much as we question and doubt at times, we just can't let go of it because without faith, we have no hope at all. Hope will give us a purpose and reason to move on and rejoice in a reunion when the time comes.
Please continue to vent to all of us. We all know grief and can help you cope with the sharing of our feelings. Life would be very lonely if we didn't have others to lean on. We're just a click away.
Bless you!!
Lu

Here is a link that might be useful: Christin Cosby Memorial Web Site


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RE: Just lost my mother a little over 3 weeks ago :(

Hello every one!

I would just like to take this opportunity to thank you 3 for your words. Much appreciated!

Lulie,

Can't imagine how it is to later also loose your 19 year old. Some say it's even "harder" than loosing a parent. Though, in my humble opinion, a loss is a loss. We feel the same hurt and emotions.

Although, I obviously miss her very much, I am happy she didn't really suffer and that it was relatively quick. Just felt it was too soon and definitely preventable. Makes me a little angry thinking about it to tell you all the truth.

If only she had been willing to see the doctor on a regular basis. Unfortunately that was her own choosing. I realize there was nothing I could have done there.

I keep thinking of that point over and over from time to time. I know I shouldn't. To avoid thinking about the "...should have, could have..." scaariios.

How did you get from the day you lost your mother/daughter to this day? Just try to take things one day at a time? Keeping busy doing things you normally would have done? Curious. Any one can comment on this btw...

Me, I'm just taking it day by day. As I said. Lately, it's just the mornings that are hard for some odd reason. As the day goes on I have an "easier" time. Though, for the past few days, my mornings have been better. Shorter bouts of saddness.

Jennmonkey,

As I mentioned. I'm presently unemployed so I haven't gone through what you just mentioned yet. Though, when I was working I never called home to my mother. I think it's coming home after work and not seeing her around that might hit me initially. Or not. I don't know.

Can I ask you how it was being only 19 and loosing your mother at that time? If it's too hard to talk about I'll understand. I'm just thinking that is about the time you're in University preparing for your life. How for some people it might hinder their ability to function. Especially in such a difficult time.

And I though my time with my mother was "short"...39 years.

Also can I ask you how old you are now?

I just hope I don't suddenly loose control of my emotions at work. Maybe I'm a little old fashioned. That "men shouldn't cry" at least in public. I suppose it's the same either way when you're at work. You don't want your co-workers to think you're freaking out. Going postal. That and you don't really want to tell them all you had recently lost a parent and treat you "special".

Any how, thanks again for your comments people! I will definitely keep you posted. I do feel better being able to talk with people who have also lost a family member. It never hits you till it happens to you.

Have a good week!


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RE: Just lost my mother a little over 3 weeks ago :(

DarkDTSHD, I am now 26. My mom had lots of health problems and ended up having heart failure due to her poor health and all the medications she was on (we had a terrible doctor that had her on more meds than you could believe). Although she was unhealthy, she was only 40, so you really don't expect anyone to die at that age.

Good luck with the job hunting!


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RE: Just lost my mother a little over 3 weeks ago :(

Hi Andrew,

I am so sorry for your loss. My mother died last September of brain cancer. She was 82. I am grateful that I had her as long as I did and she had basically 81 years of relatively okay health before she was diagnosed. She didn't go to the doctor regularly until I made her start going to my doctor after my father died in 1994. It seems that many of that generation do not believe in "preventative" health care.

I miss Mom terribly. She was my best friend and I watched her slip away, bit by bit. A brain tumor, as you can imagine, changes your personality and robs you of your dignity, slowly and persistently.

You asked how one goes on. Day by day, plodding ahead, one foot in front of the other. There is no "shortcut", no easy way around it. Grieving is hard work. But you must go through it and not push it away, or try to work around it. Eventually the selfish beast catches up with you if it is not acknowledged. Some days are better than others.

Daily routines help. I imagine since you are out of work right now that you have more time on your hands than usual. Try to keep busy. Perhaps you can find some sort of job networking group. Or look into a bereavement support group.

If you start to cry -- so be it. Don't subscribe to the old-fashioned notion that men don't cry. It is healthy to let out your emotions. You're still in shock right now and are numb. That is nature's way of shielding you. To have someone here one minute and gone the next is a terrible shock to the system. Even with my mother, when I knew it was coming, I was still numb for months afterwards.

Above all, be gentle with yourself and know that we all grieve in different ways. There is no time when you should be "done." It takes as long as it takes.


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RE: Just lost my mother a little over 3 weeks ago :(

Hello Jenn,

Thank you for your words! I know exactly how you felt. My mother died when she was around 68. And in my eyes that was too soon. For me it was a total shock because it was sudden. Not a drawn out process like what "lasershow" had to go through. I couldn't imagine what that would been like on the days or weeks leading up to the day.

I'm happy that my mother was able to go rather quickly and painlessly (versus the alternative).

But I suppose it was hard for you, lasershow, as it was for me in that we both never got to say "goodbye". Our mother's just left.

Lasershow,

Could you tell me a little about yourself. Like are you male/female and approximate age? If you don't feel comfortable doing so it's okay.

I will cry if I need to. I just hope it doesn't happen at work. I would just find that a little unseemly. Maybe that's just me. And, as I said, I don't want them to treat me differently afterwards. Hope things play out as I hope. But I know what you're saying.

I'm actually doing a lot better this week btw. I am still grieving of course. But not numb any more. Or I don't think I am. The good news is I've been able to function, have some laughs and start enjoying life again (well the best I'm able to at this time). Seems time does "dull the pain". :)

Have a good week!


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RE: Just lost my mother a little over 3 weeks ago :(

I lost my mother 6 weeks ago. She died in her sleep on May 12th at the age of 57. Needless to say, this was a HUGE shock to us all and such a big loss. This is something that I will never get over, although I have learned to live my life again. I have my moments of sadness, but I try to stay positive and keep my sense of humor. I'm happy to hear that you're doing better and for now, just take each day one day at a time.


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RE: Just lost my mother a little over 3 weeks ago :(

I am female, in my early 40s.

As far as people treating you differently: they will take their cues from you. If you thank them for their sympathy, and then move on to whatever matters are at hand, they will most likely go with the flow and not press the issue. People understand -- really.

In a way, last year was one long goodbye to my mother, as I saw her slip away bit by bit. Sometimes I think we wish for the direct opposite to have happened -- e.g., if a person dies after a long, lingering illness we wish they could have been spared; likewise, if the person died suddenly (as your mother did), we wish we'd had time to prepare, say all the things we meant to, and then said goodbye. However, it's never as neatly wrapped up as we want it to be, no matter what the situation.

I firmly believe that the dead are simply on the Other Side, and that they can hear us if we call out to them. So if you feel you want to talk to your mother, do so. I truly believe she will hear you.


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RE: Just lost my mother a little over 3 weeks ago :(

Hello Jennifer and lasershow,

Thank you for your words. You both make good points.

Jennifer,

That's basically what I've been trying to do these past few weeks. Carry on with my daily tasks, go out with friends and basically try to have a good time. Get some laughs. Anything to keep busy. To continue living.

While not always easy I can say that time has helped. In the beginning, when people tell you that, it falls on deaf ears. I suppose it's because you are still in too much shock and depression. Worst for me was the first week and a half. As I've mentioned.

Lasershow,

While it's very true that co-workers should know to "go with the flow and not press the issue" I'm also expecting there to be one or two that might. So, when I start working again, I'm going to keep it quiet for the most part. Or tell only a select few.

You're right. It's hard to say what is "the best way". Quick and sudden (as with my mother) or a long painful drawn out death (as in your case with your mother). Sometimes even when the death is not sudden you're still not able to say your "goodbye". So hard to say.

Life is so fragile and unpredictable. Just have to do the best we can and leave the rest.

I believe that too. I speak to my mother sometimes. We still have my mother's urn in the basement on an "alter" next to her picture. Flowers next to it. We haven't gotten to the point where we're ready to scatter her ashes at sea as she requested. Will be a few more months at least.

I'm also writing messages addressed to my mother in a sort of journal format. I mean if we believe they can "hear" us then they should also be able to "see" what we've typed out. Whether it's by looking over our shoulders as we type or by "receiving" the messages. Hope that didn't sound too loopy. All I know is that it has helped me cope. Another way of expressing myself being able to reason out any thoughts or issues that had been in my head that day. As the worst thing we can do is to keep things bottled up.

We can't unload our baggage on our friends all the time. Get's to be a bit much. As much as they say they are there for you and willing to listen.

Have a good day! :)

Btw...just found out my mother was 70 when she passed and not 68 as I previously mentioned. She always told us she was 10 years the junior of my father when it was really only 6. Guess it just made her feel better. :)


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RE: Just lost my mother a little over 3 weeks ago :(

I lost my mother about four years ago. I can't believe i lived and continue to live without her. She took ill suddenly and was hospitalized. From the beginning I felt something was not right, within two days she had sepsis, and after two days we lost her. She was unconscious all the while. She only knew that she was being taken into hospital and was given iv. I told the doctors not to bring her back to consciousness, as I didnt want to see her feeling bad about leaving us and going.

I really started missing her when my sisters and other relatives left after 15 days or so. I was alone at home with my father. Both trying to act normal. I had to adjust to a new routine of cooking, going to work, buying things for the house, managing the house etc. All this took a heavy toll on me. I did not confide in anybody and was acting normal. But I know what I have been through. I was scared. I was sure someone has cast an eveil eye on my family. I did not sleep for days together. I cried alone. I cried while watching TV, while driving, while working. But nobody knew. I lost 10 kilos weight in five months. Then I realized I went into depression.

A friend of mine, understood something was wrong with me. She took me to a healer, who helped me. Made me medidate, gave me confidence to face the world, and be normal. My colleagues and friends helped me in every way they could, they played a major role in bringing me back to normalcy.

I am ok now. Once in a while I tend to cry. But I understood to accept reality. I often question why me? why my family? why my father has to suffer at this age? Again I think, it was better for my mother to go, rather than live like a vegetable under dialysis, bed ridden.


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