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Winessing Death

Posted by Lulie___Wayne (lulieathome@aol.com) on
Wed, Jun 9, 04 at 11:24

I know that many of you witnessed the death of your loved one. I also did, just this past Thursday. Can anyone tell me how you managed to get the image out of your mind? Mom's passing was not easy. The thought of those last few moments, I think, haunts me more than the fact that she is gone. Please help.
Lu


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Winessing Death

lu ...as i did not witness jamie die ....i did see her several hours after her death while she was still in bed after her friend had called me...i still have not got that image out of my mind....my dear sil deb told me that she also had trouble with this after her mom had died...but that in time that vision will be replaced with happier memories of your loved one....she is right that it somewhat fades but i do not ever see it going completely away


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The first few nights were the worst. Needless to say, I didn't sleep well, the vision of Dad struggling for breath, then collapsing haunted me to the point where I was afraid to close my eyes. However it has gradually faded. I don't have nightmares anymore, but I was never prone to them anyway.

It probably took several weeks before the vision faded to the point that it only appears when I consciously think about it. That happens most when I visit Mom and I look at the end of couch where Dad was sitting when he collapsed. Then I picture it like it just happened. I remember the fear and the dread and the panic and the vain attempt at CPR and the paramedics working on him while he lay on the floor.

Like everything else in this process, it takes time and everyone works through it at a different pace. Try to confront those images and replace them with something else. I don't know if it will help, but good luck.


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My Mom and Dad both have died in the last year and I still see them at the end. I won't never forget that scene but I don't see it every moment as I did then. The key word is time. I hate people who say try to remember them as they were or their better off bla bla bla but guess what its true. It will settle in your mind in time. Try to keep as busy as you can in this hard time.


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In time you will not think of those images. Like another poster said, they will be replaced with happier times. If I think about how my Dad looked, I'm haunted like it was yesterday. However, I *really* try not to think about it, and as time has moved on, I don't.
These images do fade. Like everything else, they never go away, but they do fade.
-Stefani


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as terri mentioned, i found my mother dead and it was a very difficult vision to get out of my mind. while the vision of that faded somewhat, i can still see to this day (over 20 years ago) the look on her face when i found her. her eyes were open and that "look" in her eyes haunted me for a very long time.
deb


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I had a terrible time with that, Lu, after I found my daughter. The image of her blue face kept coming up...a post-trauma experience. My therapist treated it with something they use with soldiers who have witnessed war atrocities. I can't remember the name, but it's an acronym and has something to do with eye retraining. I remember my eyes moved back and forth while we talked about my experience. Maybe somebody knows what I'm talking about.

I wish I could be more helpful, but it took place shortly after Jill died and I was in a daze. It helped enormously, though. Took only one session.

Susan


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I worry about this with my kids (17, 19 and 23) they were with my mom when she died recently (I was trying to get my brother from the airport to be there in time, obviously I did not make it). They haven't mentioned problems, but I will have to talk to them more)

Vickey-MN


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Just talking about it is helpful even without the eye movements. As you describe the scene over and over, you're 'debriefing' yourself. We have a need to tell our story over and over.

There's another technique similar to the one that Susan describes, in which you think of the scene that you want to not see so vividly. Then you think of a pleasant memory involving the loved one. Imagine that you are looking at movies.
Picture the distressing movie moving farther and farther away in your mind, and imagine the pleasant scene coming closer and closer.

Vickey I hope your children may have found their grandmother's passing a peaceful event, much less distressing than they had feared. An expected event is usually less stressful than a sudden death such as many here have described and I hope they had support from the staff. Vplady is right, the 'good advice' that people try to give as comfort is not always what you want to hear at that time. We're all well-intended and want to help.


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i went thru what susan went thru with seeing my daughter face blue...her body was also making sounds which made me think she could come back...it still haunts me and i do alot of debriefing myself and it does help....but i have to be careful who i talk to about it ...my husband and son to this day have not heard how i found her..so thank you all for letting me vent when i need to


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I'm a lurker and have never posted on this forum. What a great resource, I wish I had had this when my dad died 4 years ago. I too watched my dad die, he has prostate cancer and it spread to his lungs. His last few hours were spent gasping for breath. I would wake up in the middle of the night for months afterward, remembering how he looked and feeling sad about his pain. People are right, it does get better with time. Now, I don't remember that so often, I just remember the good times. A few months after my dad died when my grief was getting worse instead of better, I went to a therapist. He told me that when I remembered those images I write in a journal and force myself to work through the pain. At the time, I was in pain but trying not to think about it and the avoidance made my grief worse. Journalling really helped me quite a bit. As others have told you, go easy on yourself. Everyone has a different path in dealing with grief.


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I was at my DH bedside when he passed. Just the two of us. He had struggled so much in the 6 months of lung cancer and had fought so hard to breath. I was sitting next to him and he was medicated, with a oxygen mask on, but I knew his face. I was counting his breaths as they had slowed down. I counted 13, and started over. I got to 10 and waited. No more. He passed so peaceful, It was as if the air just ran out. God was so good to end this life here so peaceful. I will never forget this, and I have seen him laying there often in my mind, but thank God no memories of any trama, just peace.
Sorry, I had to put my 3 cents worth in too. It really does help to have this board to read, and to share with.
Nan


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view it through the eyes of Jesus.


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Brought my mother home to die thru hospice. Bless her soul, she went within 24 hours. I am an RN and have seem plenty of deceased folks, and handle them as well, just not someone I knew so well until then...

TIME to answer your question.

I also, everytime the "end" photo in my head appeared, tried to quickly replace it with a "friendlier" image.
Keep an appropriate picture that you see often, maybe by your bedside.

You may actually have to keep the photo with you and look at it often for the first few hundered times. (If it is really THIS intense, I'd suggest related-appropriate councelling.)

I wish you perspective and sanity. Anne-Marie


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I was there when mom passed. Missed my husband that was hard. But i was there with my mom. i held her hand. Cried so hard. May 14 was one year. Jan. 30 of this year was one and half year for my husband. i can still picture my mom. i miss her so much. every one deals it in there own way.


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I didn't see it happen, or by God I would have jumped into the water after him and he would not have drowned.

But I did go to identify his body. It was the most horrific thing I have ever seen. I too am having a lot of trouble getting the image out of my mind. I don't think it was good for me to spend 1/2 hour alone with him in his deceased state. What haunts me most is the wound the morticians made in his chest. It looked absolutely ghastly.

Also, we didn't have the funeral for seven days. The viewing was after 6 days. At the viewing, his nose was starting to turn black, as well as his hands. He was also starting to... shrink, I guess. All together I spent several hours looking at his dead body, touching him and hating the way he started to decay.


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I just lost my mom to lung cancer this spring. We were all with her when she passed, and for myself, anyway, it was not tramatic, but one of the most powerfully moving, spiritual moments in my life.

She was gasping for breath, trying so hard to stay with us a few more hours. Dad did not want her to die on Feb. 29.
But, he finally took her hand, spoke of all the love he had for her, told her it was time for her to go, she had fought enough.

As soon as he said that, I swear that rasping rattle left her chest, and I, like Nan started to count the seconds between each breath. And when she left us, I swear to God, every wrinkle in her face disappeared. She always had these really deep smile lines in her cheeks that she hated and they disappeared. She was so at peace. And she is in a far better place than here, now.

I miss her, she was my best friend and confidant. But, if I had to it all over again, I'd be by her bedside again.
She knew she was loved, and we knew we were blessed and loved too.

Rose


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Winessing Death

I was with my grandfather when he took his last breath. My mother and I both watched, as he peacefully went. He had suffered a severe Stroke. He passed away in 1989. I did not witness my mother's death, but found her dead. She passed away June 4th, of this year. The hardest part for me, is the anger. I have so many days, I just do not like anyone or anything. Does anyone else feel that way? I then feel guilty I have snapped at someone unnecessarily. I know that I am to believe she is "better in heaven", but that does not ease my mind when there was so much that could have been done to prevent her death. The only way I manage to get through a day, is to think how she would have pushed me on, and assured me things would work out.


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Openwindow, please email me. My email address is on my first post.


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My BF was there until his son took his last breath and held him in his arms and he says he wouldn't have wanted it to end any other way...He said it was the most amazing spiritual thing he ever witnessed. Just seeing his son go peacefully and all the signs he had just in that day alone that he was in Gods arms and was OK...Also just having the opportunity to be there and tell him he loved him and to say goodbye properly. He wouldn't have changed it to any other way...He is still devastated but he's glad if it was time that it ended the way it did.


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I witnessed a fatal traffic accident 13 years ago. A truck lost control on a bend and flattened a British Telecom Astramax van. I never saw any body, blood or gore, but still can't get the thought out of my head of someone going out to rectify a routine fault in a network and never coming back.


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my 3rd grandchild Caroline was stillborn on sept.1,2004.my dil was 36 1/2 weeks into a perfect pregnancy,she and my son had just gotten married on aug.29th. 3 days before.we had wedding "with sweet bride waddling down the aisle...;) >reception and shower all in one.it was all so beautiful, in a log cabin with ceremony outdoors.on weds rachel woke up with a fever and we rushed to hosp. and Caroline had no heartbeat...it is the saddest thing i have ever known,i lost my mom 21 years ago,i was 21 and preg. with my 2nd child.i lost my grandmother "2nd mom>last year and those were painful but losing sweet caroline is just too much pain.she was born at 2 p.m. and we got to spend 3 hours holding her.i held her the most,just couldn't let go of that sweet thing.i rocked and sang to her and kissed her lil face,feet and hands...she was 6 lbs 5 oz of perfect 'lil girl. she had a nose just like her cousin Elli who's 2 1/2 and knows Caroline is in heaven "she kept asking about her when she'd see Rachels flat tummy.> and her cousin Blaze who is 4 mos. old.20 days after we lost Caroline and the pain is still sharp my older daughter gave birth to preemie identical twins "with that same nose and black hair as sweet caroline> we are so happy to have Kensleigh and Gracie "19 days old and up to 4 lbs each!!!>but it is so bittersweet and hard to go from joy over them drinking bottles and getting bigger to thinking about the sweet one who was to be a part of the puzzle of nanna's lil gang.i think all the dreams of all 5 grandbabies being so close in age and all the plans we had for them make it all the harder to get thru this,. i know we will be o.k. and there will be other babies but sweet caroline is so badly missed....i would not trade the few hours i had with her for anything in the world....we miss and love you caroline...love nanna


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Lulie - I hope you are doing better now - I noticed it was June when your Mom died. My husband died September 4th. I had spoken with him on my cell phone about 10 minutes before I got home. He was having some chest pains but that wasn't unusual - he had by-pass surgery in 85 and had angina from time to time. He had just mowed the yard and told me he was going to take a Nitro and lie down. I got home and he was unconcious on the bedroom floor. I called 911 and they helped me start CPR and he was breathing but not at all normally. I thought the ambulance would never get there and when they did I thought we'd never get to the hospital. He was pronounced DOA and sometimes I still can't quite believe that he won't ever be here again. But often I get literally jolted by a memory of how I found him. He had fallen and hit his face and was bleeding and I didn't even realize when I got to the hospital that I had his blood on my face and all over the lower leg of my jeans. The dark brown carpet didn't show the blood and there was evidently more than I thought was. I apologize if I'm too graphic but I've been told to keep getting it out in order to get past it. Did anything help you or are you still re-living your Mom's death? I know that must have been hard for you to watch her suffer. My Dad had Alzhiemer's and that was tough on him and us. I tend to look at things as trade off's and tell people that me not being able to say good-bye meant that he didn't have to suffer long - that's a trade off I can live with. God bless us all.


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I was able to hold my arms around my prescious Matt as he took his last breaths. The doctors told us that once they took him off advanced life support and put him back on a regular ventilator that he would not last long. We waited until his best friend got there and when the time came, 22 family members and his closest friends all of a sudden appeared in his room - and it wasn't even visiting hours. I still can't figure out how that many people came at the precise moment he was going to leave us. He was surrounded by his friends and family which is how he would have wanted it. Although my heart ached beyond comprehension, when he took his last breath, it was sort of a calm feeling. I can't explain it. I miss him so much


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I couldn't get to the nursing home in time to be with my twin sister, but the hospice nurse was on the phone with me and was holding Neva's hand. She said her breathing eventually just stopped and she died very peacefully. I could tell it was true when I saw her face. There were no lines on it and there was a kind of quirky little smile.


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Had never been with someone when they died until the last few years. My husband and I have been with three loved ones when they took their last breath. We got to where for awhile we didn't want to stay with anybody at the hospital!!

I was with one of my favorite uncles in 2001 when he died. He was 91, an old bachelor and his nieces and nephews were so important to him. I remember rubbing his sweet old shoulder and telling him, "It's okay - I'm right here." Finally his breathing stopped and he was gone. (Malignant brain tumor) I was just sobbing! (Felt like I was 7 again and he was supposed to take care of ME!)

In 1999 my DH and I were with his mother in the hospital the night she died. I let him catnap a little and I kept watching that spot on her gown that would rise and fall with her breathing. She was my mother in law AND my friend. She also died peacefully. We miss her everyday.

My husband and I, my mom and my brother were with my dad when he passed away. I think in a strange way I had been prepared for it and knew what to expect by having had to go through it twice before with loved ones. He had a massive stroke and lived through the night. Then about daylight he stopped breathing and was gone. I don't think I shed one tear at the hospital. It was the most surreal thing. Later I've shed many a tear.

Hugs to all of you that have gone through it. It's an experience, I tell ya. Like births I don't guess any two are the same.


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When I got the call from the nursing home that my mother had suddenly taken a turn for the worst, I rushed up there immediately. It was on a Thursday afternoon. When I got there, her aide was with her and holding her hand, and she said she told Mom she wouldn't leave until I got there. Mom was under an oxygen mask (had developed pneumonia the day before), breathing rapidly (that AWFUL death rattle), and looked very frightened. She knew I was there, clutched my hand tightly, and then slipped in and out of consciousness. I had the priest there, and I stayed until about 1 AM. The next day I went back at 10:30 AM and was there until 1:30 AM the next morning. I felt sure she'd pass that night, because she was in a deep coma-like sleep by that point. The next day was Saturday and I was there from 12:30 until about 10:30 PM. I knew it was her time, and I also knew she would not pass in front of me. Some time ago, I had said to the hospice nurse that I really wanted to be with her when her time came, and she said that she had witnessed countless heartbreaking vigils, daughters at their mothers' bedsides, and she (nurse) would come in and say, "I'll sit for a while, you go get a cup of coffee." No sooner would they be on the elevator and the person would take her last breath. Some people just can't let go in front of family or friends, and this nurse said often it's mothers who cannot pass in front of their daughters. It amazes me how they KNOW, even though they are in a coma, that you are there. The nurse told me she could still hear me and still smell me (those are the two last senses to go), so I kept talking to her all the time. And when I left at 10:30, they found her a little after 11 PM. I think I could have sat there round-the-clock for days and she would not have passed in front of me. I also sensed that she was thinking "When is she going to leave so I can go??!" It was her time.

What I am finding difficult to get out of my mind are all the images of this past year, when she suffered so much. The confusion, the surgery, the radiation, the fatigue, the nursing home....it just crowds up into my mind sometimes and I get overwhelmed. I try to push those images away, but am I doing more harm than good by trying to push them away? They are so painful.


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I hope you can help me. If we got a case of medical
negligence. My mother who passed away on sep 24 2006. My mother name is Isabel
she was 64. She was diagonsed with breast cancer in 1999 she survived
that, after that she had psorisis of the liver, i hope i pronounce it
right and after that was diagonsed with limphoma cancer. in August
24,2006. My mother had surgery to remove the golf size tumor she had on her
neck. The specilist said too she had several more small tumors on her
right side also so she needed to get chemo started as soon as possible.
After that they took more stomach xrays. They said also she had 2 large
size golf ball size tumors on her pelvic area. okay after she took her
chemo she started to get bloated we told the doctors why is she getting
bloated they said its the chemo. The doctors said she is well and can
be let to go home. They prescribed some water pills they said she should
take this medicine that this will help her go to the restroom and flush
the fluids out and her bloatness should go away. Nope that didnt work
so we decided to take her back to the hospital where that is where she
got her chemo. The doctors said the will admit her in the hospital and
keep an eye on her she felt a little better and her bloating went
somewhat away this time she had the bloating on her knees all the way down to
her feet. The doctors said that my mom will be admitted to the hospital
every time she had her chemo. Well she had 1 week of chemo. They had
said that she is well and can come home but still was bloated from her
knees all to her feet. Okay after staying home i had a call from my dad
and said to come in a hurry cause mom wasnt feeling well. He said mom is
starting to cough out blood. So when i got to my mom house, I saw her
she was having a hard time breathing and started to cough out blood. So
i immediatly called 911. ems came inside the house took her vital signs
and said she was okay. ems took about 15 minutes inside the house while
my mom is still having a hard time breathi!
ng and c
oughing out blood. They didnt think this was life threating. So finally
they took my mom in the ambulance with my dad by her side. My sister
and me followed the ambulance, they didnt have the red lights on nor the
siren remember they didnt put anything on my mom all this time no tube
nor nothing just the oxygen mask thats all.They took my mom to the
hospital all this time wasted thinking no emergency. Me and my sister beat
the ambulance could you believe it. I saw my mom in the hospital the
doctors nurses were getting her blood out for lab results we were telling
the doctors to hurry cause my mom was choking in her blood she still
had the oxygen mask on. This went on for about 30 minutes still nothing
done too my mom. We told the doctors to hurry do something. They said
they had to wait for the lab results to arrive and tell us why is she
coughing out blood. Still my mom in agony doctors nurses told us that this
is treatable and that there going to help her get better. The doctors
and nurses looked stuned by this time . Okay by this the lab results
came in and said she had amonia on her lungs an infection on her lungs. By
this time i saw her 1 last time. I told her that i loved her, and i saw
blood gushing out her mouth onto the oxygen mask and i saw her eyes
rolling and by that time i had this feeling she was gone ,I went
ballastic. I told the doctors and nurses to do something quick. The doctors
still assured me my sister that this was treatable. By this time we were at
the family conferance room and doctors wre giving us news that her
blood pressure was falling and that they had to resesatate her heart 2
times. She came back. By that time the doctors said there might be a chance
she could live that they were gonna do everything possible. All of this
happened in the emergency room in the hospital okay. The doctors from
the emergency room came back with more bad news. They said her blood
pressure is falling and she is starting to hemorage badly.So the doctors
said to get family members together. By this!
time th
ey had sent her to Icu unit. Were there were doing everything possible
for my mom to keep her alive. By this time she was on a venilator
helping her breath. Our family members decided to pull the plug out she was
suffering too much.
We loved our mother so much. She was our rock. She solved our problems, our fears, our joys together, our sadness together our happiness etc. We cannot function without her. My dad is what we have left,and he feels very angry at what happened to our mother at the hospital. we are seeing a lawyer. Weve explained everything on how our mother was treated at the hospital. Were filing medical malpractice to the hospital.We have tremoudous guilt. I saw my mother die in front of my face gushing with bloo. I will never forget this. Thats the last i saw my mom. I want to yell at the doctors and nurses and feel like stomping them. My sisters are taking it hard. My dad also. Its been 4 months and it hurts. On top of our grief we experinced this horrible death from my mom. We didnt have time to say our goodbyes. My mom that she was going to survive this. The doctors also said this was treatable. They lied!! Anyway i need help coping with this also my family. Please Any advice would be helpful!!! DEBBIE.


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Debbie, from what you just explained of your mom and her cancer, do you really think with all of your heart that she would beat it? My dad died from cancer, it broke my heart too & there were days that i drove him almost 2 hours to the cancer centers ER, and not happy with the care they gave him, but I some how moved past it.

Do you have an exact cancer diagnosis? From what you're explaining, it sounds like she kept getting tumors. Doctors are funny, you have to know the exact questions to ask them to get the truth. If you want to talk, my email addy is on my member page.

------------------------------------------------------------

I'm comforted that my dad did not die alone. Altho he filled out a "Five Wishes" and said he didn't need anyone holding his hands; or being with him; I don't think he'd have it any other way. I held his right hand, my son held his left, while my daughter, mother and a friend were also in the room. My son and I told him how much we love him and how it was ok to go. At one point my mother said "Don't go" - he actually opened his eye and gave her this dagger look (loveless marriage). I then said she shouldn't say that, and continued to tell dad we loved him and he fought so hard and it was time to stop fighting. He was also breathing very hard, I told him I loved him; he opened his right eye and looked at me, then inhaled. That was it. We wondered if he was really gone or if miraculously his breathing improved, which is comical when I look back. I've never seen anyone die, so I didn't know. Using a stethoscope dad had (he was an EMT) I swore I heard his heart beat, but it was wishful thinking.

The memories that get me: showering quickly at my house while my son sat with him. I wasn't sure if I'd make it back in time (I did). Whenever I am rushed with showering, the memory comes back.
Driving the NJ Turnpike and going past the cancer hospital exit.
Remembering what he went through, how swollen his body was during chemo, how embarrassed he was that he couldn't make it to the bathroom.
Hoping that one day I will wake up from this nightmare, the phone will ring, it will be him. Oh how I miss him.

No, I wouldn't change me being there and am comforted that I was holding his hand & was the last person he saw before he went.


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I didnt watch my father die, but I was given a pretty vivid description of what he was wearing, where he was found etc. So I was able to conjure up a pretty vivid replay of it in my mind. Especially after the veiwing. I was the one able to tell them exactly what my father had probably been doing before he had his heart attack. They found him laying beside the exersize machine in just his sweat pants and socks, with his nitroglycerine beside him. Everyone speculated it he mustve been exersizing. But I myself know he was probably in the bathroom, grabbed his nitro and was most likely on his way to the phone and didn't make it. Dad always always wore his white running shoes to exersize. And the only time he only had sweat and no shirt on, was when he had just gotten out of bed and was in the washroom. After that he'd put his shirt on. It still haunts me occasionally. Mostly just imagining him collapsing, and knowing it may have been up to 3 hours until someone found his body. Knowing he had no help, no fighting chance because no one was there. Wondering if it would have gone a little different if that had of been.

The veiwing is a whole different story. The morticians did an awful job with his body, we made them fix it before the veiwing the next day, before the actual funeral. His hands were all stiff and raised and in weird positions, he had brusies all over that they didn't bother to cover up. He looked much better after the fixed him up the next day. But it was almost worse because he didn't look dead anymore, I kept hoping he would wake up, he just looked like he was peacefully sleeping.

Something stopped me from finding my mother. She had commited suicide by turning her car on the garage and waiting for the carbon monoxide posioning to happen. I knew this would have been her preferred way to go, as overdosing had failed her before, and she was not one to go painfully. I didnt have a house key, but we could see into the garage. I looked in there twice, and couldnt see a thing. My father went and looked in the window, and he saw her. Something made it so at 14, I didnt have to see my dead mother. I'm glad. Although, not seeing her body period led me to have several nightmares about it all being staged and her still being alive. I didn't get that closure. Especially since she was cremated. I had a hard time believing her body was in that little wooden box. So even though seeing my dad haunts me, I think it helped bring me closure to actually believe and accept hes gone. I saw with my own eyes that he is gone.


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What is it with morticians? I gave them tons of photos of my dad, they could clearly see he wore a flat top hair cut. For some reason they gelled his hair down. I spent a good part of the viewing trying to fix his hair.


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