Sunnyca, I don't have any feelings of being relieved not to have to worry about my son. I know his birth defect was not my fault, and I did not blame myself at all. Even 30 years later, the medical community does not know what causes spina bifida, they have a guess that folic acid helps to prevent it but even women who take massive amounts of folic acid before they get pregnant can have a child with spina bifida. It was my pleasure to take care of him through all of his illnesses because he was the best child a mother could ever have asked for. He never complained and took whatever treatment was deemed to be necessary with a smile and a kind word. He always thanked the people who took care of him even if they had just caused him pain. That was how he acted even as a man, I let him know everyday how proud I was to call him my son. He endured 19 surgeries, most of them were combined, so we didn't have to put him to sleep too many times. So in reality he probably had about 34 surgical procedures in all. He had been very ill 10 years ago with a staph infection in his brain and had 5 brain surgeries in 17 days and stayed in the hospital 23 days, came home had a grand mal seizure and went right back and stayed out the rest of the month of March, so he was there for a total of 31 days. I would give anything to be able to nurse him through an illness or take him to his doctors' appointments or even spend time in the hospital as long as he was going to get well. I do agree that it is not constructive to place blame unless blame is duly proven. Take all that energy and put toward something productive and constructive. This grieving journey is going to take a long, long time. I talk to as many people as I can about this because it helps, and for those of us who have lost children understand just how hard it is. I spoke with an older woman the other day, she lost her husband and her son 7 years ago. Her husband in Feb, and her son in Sept. She told me that the past few days to a week had been bad for her, and that she thinks of her son everyday. I am sure she thinks of her husband as well, but she lost someone she gave birth to and that is hard. As she put it "we aren't supposed to bury our children, they are supposed to bury us". I hope you can work through your grief and anger and all the other emotions that we feel. Sometimes it's hard to process. That's when I give myself time for me. Good luck in your grief journey.

You know.....it is sooo strange that I came here today. I lost my dear Momma on August the 9th of this year to lung cancer and I feel your pain, not a day goes by that I don't think about her and find things to share with her. Yesterday and today have been quite difficult for me emotionally. I know I am approaching my cycle and my hormones are up and down and I know this is a contributor to how I have been feeling. I miss my momma sooo badly but there seems to be about a week a month that I am a complete wreck. I have been trying my best to honor her and try to find the joy of living this "new" life without her and I feel I make progress until my hormonal cycle begins. During this time I cry and cry and most of the other time I think of her and miss her but don't cry as much. I am very glad that I have the knowledge to know what is happening to me and I feel I am in control so I allow myself to grieve her. Thank you so much for bringing this to the discussion boards, it is a key factor for women who are grieving. Blessings to you and your family. Remember that love is more than a feeling and forever is more than a word. Your love for each other will never diminish or die. Lisa

So sorry about the loss of your beloved pet. Everyone grieves differently so nothing posted here might help you but hopefully something does at the very least you will know you are not alone. When our first dog (as an adult) had to be pts at the age of 16.7 I didn't think I would want another dog for a long time. However either I was hearing things or my little girl sent me rainbow kisses cause I would literally hear her nails clicking on the floor, would hear her at the back door to be let out or in, would hear her in her kennel that we just left where it was and I would see her out of the corner of my eye but of course she wasn't there. I was so incredibly sad I would just stand in the shower in the mornings and bawl, would sit on the deck and cry and look out at her grave (we buried her out back in a wooden casket that my dh made). It only took me a few days to realize I had to have another dog now...not later. A week to the day that we had her pts we brought home a little puppy. For me, getting another dog this soon worked, for others it might not. That little puppy is now 6 years old and is definately my heart dog....she helped me greave over the loss of the first one and we bonded so close even though their personalities couldn't have been more differnt. She is my shadow...my little velcro girl. I know at some point I will have to go through the same thing again...just hope there is another little doggie out there that can help ease the pain....

Oh honey, I sense your pain. You sound just like Hamsteve, the wonderful stepdad who raised his SD w/ his wife, the girl's mother. The biodad there, also poisoned the DD against her mom and stepdad despite not being there for the girl for the most part in any way, provided her w/ a country club partying life and she moved from VA to FL - not looking back. She is the only child there, too. Like most of our advice to Steve, I think and hope and pray this will run its course. Steve's DD has outright been very negative towards him and her mother, not calling, even flying back to their town to visit friends w/o notifying them, etc. Keep the lines of communication open as best you can. The SM's behavior is despicable and so far out of line, it isn't remotely humorous. I can't understand their motive. But, I wonder if all will be fine and dandy in another few months, or more. It's only been a week and a half. As a mom, I know that sounds like a lifetime, but it isn't that long - they're all still in the honeymoon phase. Even my SD's first few weeks here were great. But, then little things began to bug me - I did more cleaning up than ever before and began to resent her. Of course, she never treated me very well in the beginning of our marriage, so we have a history w/ old wounds, etc. Anyway, even under the best of circumstances, it's tough to share a roof w/ someone who really hasn't been there all along. What do you think their motivation was to get him w/ them? It can't be financial, esp. given the miniscule amount they contributed to his well-being. Just plain old jilted feelings from nearly 20 years ago? Maybe try to ride this out, be glad he's not living in some apt. somewhere w/ a nutty roommate, and be supportive. If they continue their negativity towards you, make frequent visits and then see if DS will consider living in the dorm or an apt. Try to talk that aspect up. If he gets a gf, he may desire more privacy, less rules, etc. My SS disappeared from us over 2 years ago. I think his issues are that he is gay, and not comfortable w/ that, and that he messed up. Everyone had high hopes for this boy - he was very, very smart. He either dropped or failed out of college after moving to a partying atmosphere sr. year. He also stuck me on his $25K student loans I cosigned for him. Nonetheless, I tell his sisters that while I'm disappointed, it isn't worth losing the family over and he is welcome back any time. Even they don't hear much from him. I fear there were drugs he got involved w/ for the turn around. DH buries his head in the sand on most unpleasant issues and they never talked about the gay issue. So, after all of this, I'm just saying to keep in touch w/ your son. He should have more and more of a sense of who was there for him through the years as time goes on. Meanwhile, keep communicating, try not to be always defending yourself if issues arise, though that's hard. It's better to give your side of any stories face to face - and I'd plan to be there as much as I could. All the best, Dana