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stillborn grandchild

Posted by mboston (My Page) on
Tue, Apr 15, 08 at 22:15

We lost our grandaughter last week at 27 weeks gestation. There had been a potential problem that was being closely watched but there wasn't evidence of a life threatening situation until my DIL was told the baby had died.

I am finding it hard to concentrate on anything. I have no motivation to get up and do anything. I spend time talking with friends, really anyone who will listen, and checking on my son and DIL, and searching out info on what might have happened. I did get to hold her and I am so afraid that I will forget what she looked like over time.

It also brings up memories of my two miscarriages years ago. I feel guilty that I think of my loses when theirs is so much deeper since she was in her 3rd trimester.

I also feel so alone as I don't want to cry in front of them or my husband. I was so looking forward to this grandchild. She is our first - both my son and DIL are only children.

I want to talk with my son and DIL about how they are feeling but they are being really strong - although I imagine that they aren' that way when alone. They have to be hurting more than I am.

I don't know what I am asking for here, just sharing, I guess. Thanks for listening.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: stillborn grandchild

I'm so sorry.

If you don't want to talk to hubs or the young couple about your own grief, please talk to a woman friend or your pastor or someone similar.

I don't think grief can be 'qualified';
no such thing as theirs is worse or I don't deserve mine.

If you're hurting, you're hurting, & you're entitled to comfort.

I wish you the best.


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RE: stillborn grandchild

Our family went through the same thing you are going through now in 2005. Our granddaughter and her husband had a full term stillborn. We knew he had heart problems from the fifth month and it was a slow agonizing time. The cord was all that was keeping him alive and when it was cut that was the end. We took her to Houston for him to be delivered and they were to do heart surgery immediately. It was the hardest time in all our lives. I could not stand to see the pain in my granddaughter's eyes. It stayed there for a long time, too.

Grieve for her and cry all you want. It is such a let-down and disappointment for all of you. We don't understand why these things happen for us. I cried for weeks but also thought had he lived and having the extreme heart problems what his little life might have been like. It is just so very hard to accept.

It will get better with time. I know that sounds like what everyone tells you, but it does. You will never forget but you can deal with it as time passes.

Our granddaughter and husband now have a precious ten month old boy that is a delight. We all love him fiercely.

I wish you the very best and do know exactly how you feel. Reading your post brought back memories of that time.

DL


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RE: stillborn grandchild

I am so deeply sorry. I can relate since we lost our baby girl at 32 weeks almost 3 years ago. The pain of having your baby pass away inside you is the greatest because you never get to know them. My heart goes out to you and your son and DIL. I still feel like I did that day...the pain never lets up, but you carry on and learn to live with it. Don't dispair, though. We conceived a baby boy 3 months to the day and he's almost 2, now. I still long for my girl. If you need a shoulder, my e-mail is sushinut71@yahoo.com. Feel free to contact me.

Many hugs and prayers,
Madeleine


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RE: stillborn grandchild

Thanks for replying Madeleine. I check every few days or so but hadn't heard from anyone in a while. My son and DIL seem to be keeping most of their feelings to themselves. My DIL had a bad day on Mother's Day. It was a month to the day she lost her and of course being MD made it worse. My son was born on the Tues. after MD so that didn't help.

They found out why it happened, the doctors had never seen this situation before so they think it was a fluke and should not occur again. I don't think they will wait too long to try again. My son is 28 and she is 26. They have been married 5 years this month.

When she called me from the hospital she said that if anyone could understand how she felt, it would be me since I had lost 2 and had so much trouble getting pregnant. I thought then that maybe she would let me help her through this but she doesn't seem to want to talk about it.

I know when her due date comes around, it will be hard for everyone again. I so wish she would talk to me but we aren't very close anyway so I guess I can't expect to be now, although I had hope that it would bring us closer.

Thanks again for replying. I am glad to hear you have a son to help fill your heart with love.


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RE: stillborn grandchild

"When she called me from the hospital she said that if anyone could understand how she felt, it would be me since I had lost 2 and had so much trouble getting pregnant. I thought then that maybe she would let me help her through this but she doesn't seem to want to talk about it."

That's deeply, profoundly touching.

She *did* reach out to you, in a breathtakingly close, intimate way.

but she can't do it all the time.

She may never be able to do it again in this life.

It was still profoundly trusting & profoundly touching.

Be patient, love her...& give her her space.

I know it sounds contradictory, but try to be there without expecting anything.

She may want to talk later, she may never want to talk about it again.

You won't know til she does, & it might take years.

Just be there, & remember & treasure that little conversation, & take care of yourself.


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RE: stillborn grandchild

Thank you Sylvia for your perspective. I had never thought of it that way and it does touch my heart deeply.
Tomorrow will be 2 months, just 1 from her due date. I wonder how many people have thought about that, other than her.

Her mother was with her when she got the news of the loss. It was the only time my son had not been able to go with her. Thinking back on what you said, for her to say that with her mother present really did mean something, didn't it?

One reason that I feel so torn about this is that there is a difference in religion here and there has not been a service for the baby. We did have an informal one that night but nothing since. My son had said they would have one once they got her ashes and they were settled in their home(this all happened the weekend they were to move). I am just waiting to hear if it is going to happen.

Thank you again, Sylvia. I do feel better.


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