Deborah, I appreciate that you thought of me. Thursday was the 1-year marker of his death.

I go by Gary's burial plot nearly every day - it's right next to the busiest road through our city, and about a quarter mile from my house.

I bought two double red Peony plants - one for each side of his headstone. The cemetary caretaker planted them for me yesterday, and I had to go and see how they looked - they looked great, and should bloom in a couple of weeks - Gary LOVED Peonies!

I have good days and bad - yesterday was a mix of emotions.

I am preparing to relocate to Florida, so had to go through and separate some photos. Many were of the two of us in our early years together - OMG, I had smiles, I had pain, I had tears, I had ill feelings in my stomach, I had erotic memories - just the whole array of emotions.

Tell me about you and your Al - how did he die? Forgive me, if you've told me - since Gary became ill and died, my brain has turned to silly puddy!

Kay, we cannot plant flowers at the cemetery until after the May long weekend, because of the rules and the weather, i tried to get colours last year for his fav. baseball team (the Yankees!)
Al had been a diabetic since he was about 14. he was mr. volunteer and gave of his time to alot of things especially children -- who just loved him and so did the parents - since he thought there were no bad players and each child got equal time. to make a long story short he trimmed his toe nail wrong and it got infected and he ended up getting 3 toes amputated then the other 2 toe, then below the knee and then the upper, he was fine for about 5 years and the other leg got infected and he had 2 operations in 3 weeks, he said he was short now. he had kidney problems as well, his sight was not good, and i had to give him insulin 4 times a day, he was bedridden for 10 years and he was fine at 2:30 am the night before he passed because we were playing with the puppy he got me for my birthday -- he named her Gracie Joy Devine, the alarm went off at 7:00 am the next morning and he didn't turn it off the last thing he said to me when i asked him if he was going to turn it off was i can't and he had that blank look. the fire dept. came - and one of the men was one of his friends that he knew since he was 6 years old, and he still spoke to him, then off to the er - where one of the nurses was one of the VON's who used to come to the house 2 times a day and was his primary nurse. then off to icu, where the nurse was one of my friends son. to make a long story short again he suffered a massive stroke and we had them turn off the machines, we were blessed that he only had to suffer for 3 hours.
i have not looked at photos, i just can't, Al was a graphic artist at the college so we have alot of his wonderful artwork, and then he became an instuctor for people who did not have their high school, which again the students just loved him, many people in this town did not have their high school since they went to work at the elevators or the mills, which have sadly mostly all have shut down.
when i was younger i lived in florida, largo, by clearwater beach, my daughter and i were thinking of moving also, since the university here was her last choice and i told her what if something happens to your dad and you have to come home (she was supposed to go to a university near Toronto), our son will be 25 next month and is a department manager (assistant store manager) of a large sporting goods chain, and he said he wanted to come with us if we move, but he hasn't lived at home for about 3-4 years.
i think i must be feeling better since i have picked up my knitting needles and have taken an interest in quilting again.
now that i have bored you, i just wanted you to know that i have been thinking about you and after reading someof your posts you are missing your Gary like i am missing Al (do you think they have met each other yet?)

debbie

Debbie, that is such a sad loss - please accept my sympathy.

I don't believe there is anyplace one 'goes' when they die - the grave is the final resting place. If there was a 'hereafter', someone would have come back to tell us about it, so NO, I don't think they have met.

If some deceased person's spirit had come back to tell us that there is an afterlife, people would be committing suicide right and left in order to get to a better world and escape the desperate life they find themselves leading!

Kay, it makes me sad that you have that particular viewpoint. Of course everyone is entitled to what they think will or will not happen when we die, or transition to the next world :-)

I think this life is just one stepping stone in our spiritual journey. The universe is a mysterious place and although I am not religious in the fact that I don't go to church, I do believe our bodies just house our souls while we are stuck here on Earth.

Okay, my opinion. For what it's worth.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Duane

Duane, I have gone to church my whole life, but not to be 'saved' in any sense of the word I went to give and feel the love that is present whenever a group of loving people gather to fellowship.

I believe your salvation is within you - and it is a humanistic duty to share that with others. Just because I don't believe there's a man sitting up in the clouds, judging me (and everyone) whom I will join when I die, doesn't mean I am not filled with love for my fellow human being and other animals. If you want to participate in organized religion, that's entirely your right, and may God bless you!

I definently believe that Jesus Christ lived among men, walked the earth and died - just like everyone does. I DO NOT believe he has a 'home' in the sky, where we will go when we die.

Kay, I wasn't being preachy, or I sure hope not. That wasn't my intent. I just believe there is another 'side' or dimention if you will. My mom has given me too many blatant obvious signs that she is somewhere else. I won't get into them all...I have typed them out in other posts. They are an enormous comfort to me.

After she passed I went to church for the first time in a long time. What struck me was the consistent theme of 'God is great'. Okay, I get it. Drummed and drilled constantly over and over again. I thought to myself that I doubt God would be this needy LOL. If you can do everything, see everything and make the world...why do you need us to constantly stroke your Godly ego? I hope I don't offend anybody with that, but that was what kept going through my mind.

My mom flat lined and was brought back a week before she passed over for good. After she was brought back all she could say over and over was that she wanted to go 'home'. I believe she got a glimpse of the wonders of the next place and couldn't suffer anymore here on earth as much as it would hurt to leave behind the people who loved her so much.

Enough for now. I just hope everybody can cope the best they can and keep trying to get through all this heartache.

Duane

Duane, I am sorry for the fact that you lost your Dear Mother.

No, your words are not offensive in any way. If you have further ideas and thoughts to share, I hope you will do so!

We are ALL trying to cope, minute by minute, day by day - it isn't easy, but there is no choice - we all have others that depend on our stability.

I just hope everyone remembers that if you love someone, SHOW THEM NOW - tomorrow may be too late!

"I just hope everyone remembers that if you love someone, SHOW THEM NOW - tomorrow may be too late!"

Kay, no truer words were ever uttered. We are not guaranteed anything except this very second...that just passed. Since I lost my mom I have become a bit more spiritual. Our society is so geared to 'being a success'...which of course means the more money you make and material items you possess...the more successful you are. If more people would slow down...and THINK...they would realize that yes, money is a necessary evil and needed for us to live in this world and time. But it is not everything. I love to grow heirloom tomatoes. Such a simple joy of watching a seed sprout and me nurturing it and eventually turning it into a BLT is very rewarding :-)
And spending time with our loved ones and friends. Laughing and enjoying our time here is so much more important than how many cars you have or shoes in the closet or dollars in the bank. We are all going to die....sooner or later...and the last suit you wear won't need pockets.
I love animals and realize they really are God's greatest creation. Unconditional love is something we should all aspire to.

Enough of my rambling for now.

Peace to all.

Duane

i hope that i didn't offend anyone here. it's like i tell my kids that's why they have different stores to shop at people have different likes and dislikes (or opinions here at this forum).
in the 25 years were where married i am happy to say that we only had 3 silly (now that i think about it) fights. we also told each other i love you many times a day, and even thought he was bedridden at home for 10 years and our children and i took care of him, i do not have to be the hipocrite that his family was, not once did they care for him for even an hour so i could have a break.(to this day his sisters are not speaking to me- because we chose a burial, an hour before Al passed his sister had it all planned that he would be cremated, when i told her no, she yelled at me (she yells all the time) don't ask us for one cent. so i remembered everything he wanted, along with being buried with his high school football jersey, we were even lucky to get a blue coffin -- for his Yankees and Toronto Maple Leafs.

Duane believe it or not we still have snow here and there, our perennial gardens have been lacking attention for about 5 years or so, so i am looking forward to taking the puppy outside and getting into the dirt. Gracie Joy Devine was the puppy Al got me 3 weeks before he passed, he named her, she is happy to be happy and i take her almost everywhere, she can make the most nasty person put a smile on their face.
Again Kay, i apologize if i have offended you in anyway.

debbie

Deb, it can't be done by you!

Dear Kay,

I do not want to intrude in your post, but I felt compelled to write you. No, I haven't lost my husband yet, but he does have lung cancer. I have, though, lost my daughter two months ago, which has been the most difficult situation of my life. I'm grieving terribly for her. The only comfort I have comes from God. Since I will never understand in this lifetime why he took her, I am convinced that I will see her again because God promised this if I accepted His Son as my Saviour. As I look at nature while working in my yard, I am assured that God does exist. If there were no God, what would be the purpose of earth and the heavens?

I know how difficult life is, facing it without our loved ones. I've cried for two months, but I still know that there is hope with her, maybe not while I am breathing, but in the future.

Once again, please understand that I care how you feel. Part of me, my daughter, is absent now, a part of my heart ripped out, but one day, I'll hold her again, telling her how much I love her for eternity.

Pat

Pat, please accept my heartfelt sympathy for the loss of your daughter and my good thoughts that your husband isn't in pain.

I do appreciate your thoughts - thanks for posting them!