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4 months after my son was killed my mother dies of cancer.

Posted by auntyara (My Page) on
Sun, Apr 19, 09 at 20:07

I'm still in shock from loosing my son Brian,
I can't even grieve for my mom.
Brian was killed in a head on collision because an @$$hole was showing off his new car.
My mom was tested cancer free in June.
After Brian died she got so sick.
4 months later... She's gone.

My son's funeral was so messed up and disgraceful compared to Mom's
It just makes me sick.
Nobody talks about Brian ...EVER!!!
It's like it's better to pretend he never exsisted because it's too painful to lose an 18 yr old.
But they all talk about Mom.
It hurts so much that my sister's and friends won't even say his name.
I love my Mom and I miss her but I'm still in shock.
Brian died 11/22/08
Mom died 3/22/09

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: 4 months after my son was killed my mother dies of cancer.

It is sad when someone has a double tragdy. You have not recovered from the lost of your son only to have this happen. Did you ever go thru some type of grief support group? Do you have a special person at a church you could talk to? One thing I would do, is when your sister talks about Mom, just gently (or not so gently) let he know you lost a son who was just starting his life. Be firm and postive. Bring his name up and if they refuse to talk about is JUST ask why? At least you might find out why. But be prepared you could find out somethings you are not aware of.

RE: 4 months after my son was killed my mother dies of cancer.

thank you for responding.
my sister said it makes her too sad to talk about him.

it makes me sad too. but i can't stop.
he was such a great kid.
i miss him so much.

Brian's funeral was disgraceful compared to my mothers because it was put together by shocked and heart broken, horrified, family members.

my mother's passing was prepared for because of months of knowing.

even if his funeral was perfect i still would have thought it was horrible.

there was just so many people. and the funeral home was too small.
i felt like they were herded in like cattle.

people told me they waited 2hrs to get in. and it was such a cold night.
we only had the one veiwing to save money. (of all the stupid things to worry about).

i did not help plan his funeral, i just couldn't.

thanks for listening.
i feel a little better.

i'm just "all over the place" in my mind.

it's a roller coaster ride from hell.
and no way off.
time is dulling the pain and then the days when it feels like it just happened.
i know you people here understand what i'm going through.
and that is a huge comfort.

RE: 4 months after my son was killed my mother dies of cancer.

My heart goes out to you from your losses, I hope and pray you get the support you will need when the memories of the service fade. You have endured a huge double loss and it will no doubt put you through alot of rollercoaster rides in your grief. Remember, God has the right prescription for the pain and when I am alone and missing my brother and mother I try to remember that he sacrificed his only son to save me from my life of sin and that he loves me that much even if there is nobody else left..

Very sorry for your losses

RE: 4 months after my son was killed my mother dies of cancer.

I'm very sorry for you losses. I had several losses in a short period of time. To say it is difficult is an understatement. If it makes you feel better, you can always tell us about Brian. I'm sure he was a wonderful young man.

RE: 4 months after my son was killed my mother dies of cancer.

First of all, I'm so sorry for your losses! My daughter Alissa died almost 4 years ago and my mother died about 6 1/2 years ago.
What I have found is that often family just isn't our best source of comfort. They are grieving too and everyone grieves in their own way. The people that I talk to about Alissa the most are my "grief friends", women I've met who have also lost children. They understand "better than most" what I am going through and are interested in getting to know my daughter. As I am interested in knowing their children as well.
I also would recommend joining a group when you are ready. Many churches have GriefShare which I actually also lead at mine and it's a wonderful video curriculum. I know there are other groups out there too. Compassionate Friends is a group for parents who have lost kids that has chapters all over the country. I ended up forming my own moms group from women I met along the way and we have social events plus memorial type events. I know that some of these women will be life long friends because of this bond, this common thing that has happened to us all.
I hope my words help, please feel free to email me at

RE: 4 months after my son was killed my mother dies of cancer.

thank you all sooo much.
i have no words right now.


RE: 4 months after my son was killed my mother dies of cancer.

I am so sorry for your losses. I had a similar situation, but mine was my mother and brother. My mom had a heart attack and while she was in the hospital she also suffered a stroke. We had all of our attention on helping her get better and my 47 year old brother had a heart attack and died. On the day we were having his viewing they decided to send my mom home from the hospital. We were all in shock over her sickness, his death, and then we had to get her home and settled. My brother wasnt married, and he lived with my mom. I have 6 other brothers and 5 sisters all scrambling around to get things settled and get to the viewing, so some of us were there at different times, and not all of us at the same time, which probably seemed strange to friends and family that werent aware of the situation. Anyway what Im trying to get at is we didnt feel we gave him proper attention during his death, so when the 6 month mark came, my mom was doing much better, and we were still in numbness and grieving, we decided to have a celebration of his life. We got the activity center at our church, invited friends and family to celebrate with us. We asked that each person write down a memory they had of my brother, and if they had any pictures to attach them to the memories, and we made them into a scrap book. It wasnt anything formal, just friends and family and memories. We were able to laugh and cry together and give our undivided attention to his memory. So I think maybe you could do that for your son, and get some closure to your feelings of not giving him your full attention. By the way, I think you gave all you could give considering the circumstances. Again, I am sorry for you losses!

RE: 4 months after my son was killed my mother dies of cancer.

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. I agree with Angela--often family members are not the best source of support. Seems strange, but it's true.

My daughter Jill died eight years ago Memorial Day. At the time, my husband (who has since died) had severe dementia. I completely understand your need to talk about your son; I felt that way about Jill, and still do, to a lesser degree. My way of dealing with grief was to talk and cry (and talk and cry), but my surviving kids had their own ways. I gained the most comfort from talking to my close friends and a therapist I've known for years. Sometimes "talking" meant emailing friends who live far away.

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