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I cannot discard my daughter-in-law

Posted by finchelover (My Page) on
Tue, Apr 10, 07 at 19:48

My son committed suicide over 2 years ago leaving 3 children. My other children have bad feelings against his wife "stating she killed him". He got in big trouble with the IRS and left her with lots of bills and they think his wife should have figured out his problem and helped him. I know another side to this story,there's always another side.
I can't blame her because she has always been good to me and still is--unless I figure out something else I will NOT disown her. The kids are: one in college,the other will be coming Fall and the young one is 8th grade. Sometimes this is so hard for me.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: I cannot discard my daughter-in-law

Please don't disown you daughter-in-law or your grandchildren, they all need you and I think you need them too, don't you? Let you other children deal with their feeling and I hope they will feel beter soon.


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RE: I cannot discard my daughter-in-law

What a terrible thing to go through - I'm so sorry for your loss. Your children will come around and recognize your strength in holding the family together.


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RE: I cannot discard my daughter-in-law

I think you are on the right track, Finchlover. Your heart tells you to follow your daughter-in-law and your grandchildren. You are doing the right thing.

Sorry for all your heartache.


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RE: I cannot discard my daughter-in-law

Finchlover,
I'm going to try to tread lightly here, because I don't want to cause you any more grief. That said, I am appalled at the reaction of your other children.

Before you get mad at me, I'll share some of my life with you. My daughter died at home by her own hand just over two years ago as well. She was only 13 at the time. So, I kind of know what you went through. I say kind of, because there are always differences. We live in a small town, so there was no option to just blend in. Everyone knew what happened.

You absolutely should not disown your DIL. You do not want to break ties with the mother of your grandchildren. Your other children need to back off and realize that your son did this to himself. No one make anyone else kill themselves. Shame on them for blaming her. One day they will probably realize this. I also feel compassion for your other children because it would be wonderful if they actually COULD blame her. Then they wouldn't have to fully face what your other son did. My daughter had a very difficult time with her sisters death. She still has a hard time, and she always will. I do see both sides of this. They shouldn't disown her either, because to do so would to cut off any contact with your son's precious children.

Please understand that if I said anything that hurt you, it was not intended to do so. Like I said, I can empathize with you in a way that most people cannot. I wish you all the best and hug those grandkids for me.


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RE: I cannot discard my daughter-in-law

I am so sorry for your heartaches. My son also commited suside 3 years ago this coming September. I found this site 2 weeks later and I lived to come to this site. First of all I can understand both sides. When my son did this he was very depressed and was separated from his wife he just couldn't live by himself without his family,he had 2 boys and loved them dearly. He lived far away so we didn't see him often but spoke frequently. My first reaction was to blame her of course we have to blame someone then I blamed myself for not be there for him when he was going though all this but like my DH says to me, nothing would of stopped it he had made up his mind. As hard as it was to talk to her I just had to. She is the mother of my grandchildren and I never want to lose that contact. That is all I have of him. For me he lives though them and I never want to break that tie.You have to go on and put it aside for the children or should i say they have to put it aside as hard as it is. It doesn't mean they have to like her but at least try for the kids that's the important thing. Also they should try for you it is so hard for the parent to go though this. Hope this helps a little. My prayers are with you and your children take care Darlene


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RE: I cannot discard my daughter-in-law

No you should never discard your daughter in law or the kids. I ageee that it is hard but your son would not want it that way. Remember that she is grieving as well and dealing with her own guilt. I have also found that no one truly knows what goes on in the lives of others - speculation makes it easy to crucify. Forgiveness is part of the journey of grief and will help your heart tremendously. I am so very very sorry for your loss!


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