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How did you know?

Posted by Donnakt (My Page) on
Fri, Apr 29, 05 at 18:05

How to make the right decisions after you husband passed away? I am a perfect example of what not to Roman took such good care of me while he was with me..he did everything, pay the bills, he knew when the things were due and I dont know which way to turn.I am left alone and I am frightened..I am trying to make decisions by my self and I don't know if I am right or wrong..How did you handle this? I have no family close by..they all live out of state.

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: How did you know?

Donna -
There are How-to books for widows that will explain how to get through this.

For starters, go through his checkbooks and find out who was getting regular payments.

RE: How did you know?

That's got to be so scary. I'm so sorry. I don't know your age, but some areas provide free legal and financial advice for seniors. Maybe you could consult your local Counsel on Aging chapter. I'm sure that there may be others there who may be able to guide you. Good luck to you.

RE: How did you know?

Do you have a very close friend that can sit down every day and go thru things--bills etc. Do you belong to a church or a social club? Do you have a senior citizen center, even though you are not a member. Did he leave a will --can the attorney help. DO not sign ANYTHING, without someone else looking at it. Who did your income taxes? They might be able to recommend someone. Don't make any commiments. Be carefull of sales personal Be careful of phone calls. Do not let anyone in your home you do not know. Do you have children that could come for a while, or can you communicate with them over legal matters. Talk to the bank where you have accounts. They have people who can help also. If you have questions, please feel free to email. I will not give you legal advice, but might help you find someone to help you.

RE: How did you know?

You've received good advice here. I can only add that I went through this when my husband became mentally incapacitated. At first it was totally overwhelming. Keep the phrase baby steps in mind. Every little bit that you learn, every little task that you accomplish, will empower you and make you stronger. It's true.

Best of luck to you.


RE: How did you know?

Hi Donna,
I agree you need to go through the checkbook and try to figure out what is due when. You mentioned wanting to be sure you make good decisions. I'm not sure exactly what you mean by that. Is someone trying to pressure you into something, like selling your house or lending them money or "investing" in some scheme, or something like that? You are emotionally vulnerable right now, and for that reason I hope you will not let anyone talk you into doing anything that doesn't feel right to YOU. (Surely there is no decision that can't wait for you to think about it for a while,and gather some information if you feel you need it.)
I would be VERY cautious about discussing financial concerns with the people around me. You never know who might be more interested in helping themselves than in helping you! Does that make sense to you?

You might be better off educating yourself by doing your own research, and then visiting your bank/credit union for guidance. Having been an administratrix for one late relative, and a "personal representative" for another, I have seen normally sane people become incredibly aggressive, pushy and without common sense when money was involved. You need to protect yourself and the resources your husband wanted you to have. Don't get pushed into doing something you don't feel good about, OK? Put YOURSELF first.

RE: How did you know?

It was a month today that Roman passed away..I went to a funeral for a friend from Church today, as I have said before I know I'm not the only one going through this but it is just very difficult. I have noriced it is hard to concentrate on the business at hand but I am trying very hard to get the job done.

I do thank everyone for you positive thoughts.


RE: How did you know?

why- by folowing the clues that he left you - you can smack his ghost for not sitting your down and SHOWING you everything in advance later.

if he really was paying the bills and doing the maintenance, there will be records. files. so much to insurance, so much to the mortgage, so much for food, and utilities.

who is the executor of his will? they will know what the financial situation is. an old and trusted neighbor will know when the shrubs needs pruning, and when he fertilized the lawn.

keep notes. in fact- since you're good enough to find this site, you're good enough to find ExCell on the computer, and use it to set up a spreadsheet that will let you track recurring bills, and give you much more confidence.

senior services in your area also have people who can help...

but the idea of not buying anything that anyone's selling is a good one- in the next year, you will be hit on by people who will tell you that your siding needs replacing, that your car is unsafe, and that you yourself are at risk for ruin if you don't sign on with them...

these are the same guys you might remember from your single days- I think they called them 'cads' back then?

now, we just call them scum, and show them the door.

RE: How did you know?

I totally agree with chinacat about snocking him upside the head, but then I have to look at my mother.... she would rather have gone to Atlantic City on a bus trip than have sat down and seen what he was going thru... heck.. he sent her on the bus trips just to keep her from pestering him and b'ing and moaning about "that stupid computer".

Ok.. enough slapping you and my mom around... here's what you do:

Open your mail. Most likely there will be bills to be paid.. Pay attention to them. The offers for Credit Cards are JUNK and should be shredded up.

Pay your mortgage and utility bills.

Pay any other bills that you really feel that you are obligated to pay (day care, medical bills, etc.)

If he had insurance, wait for at least three billings to see if your insurance picked them up.

I also agree with nikolita... what's the rush??

Daddy always told me that if I hit the lottery, I should wait until a year after it to make any decisions.

Let the meds keep hounding you... if you can't make the payments, they WILL settle with you for a substantial discount. Even if you can make the payments and don't have insurance, they WILL settle with you at a substantially lower rate.

Have NO FEAR.. we're here to support you.

RE: How did you know?

Please don't say "smack him'..he was the most wonderful husband you could ever find..we just didn't know he would leave when he did. It is my fault I didn't learn how to do things..he always paid the bills and I wish I could have gone before or with him. I hate this..If I didn't beleive in God..I would leave today on my own accord..but I can't do that so I have to take it a day at a time.

RE: How did you know?

I'm sorry, lass- but if it's a husband's duty to care for his wife, then it's his duty to make her sit down and learn how to care for herself-

like it was my poppa's duty to make me SIT at that piano, rain, shine, or movie premier...

and I never did make it to carnagie hall. I didn't even make the cut for the high school orchestra. but there are life lessons that I got from the process that have done me better than any of the lessons most of my friends learned.

but if he was wonderful- then he's kicking himself harder than you are hurting for him, because he sees you floundering, and can't pick up the slack for you...

it's no comfort, knowing that the ones we love feel so totally alone in the world that they can't live without us.

you two can't hold hand through this rough patch...but there's no reason you have to go through it ALONE- either of you. spirit's not confined by matter- or time, or distance, or anything else but the hardness of our own beliefs.

somewhere, grief needs to become mourning, so that mourning can become cherishing.

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