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I need help.

Posted by lostdaughter (My Page) on
Fri, Apr 3, 09 at 16:14

My dad passed october 2008. Its been almost 6 months to the day. I am very concerned for my mother. I moved back home. Helped her move across the country and I am now helping her settle into her new home. I have searched all over the internet for advice on my situation, but have come across next to nothing regarding our situation- (let me explain) My moms grieving is very strange. She read a book about grieving shortly after my dads passing. So she feels she just breezed right through all the steps in a matter of a few weeks. She started looking for men to date only a couple months after his passing. She has blown off almost all her adult responsibilities. (putting in a change of adress, taking care of paperwork for the house, and vehicle titles, getting her oil changed, sending documents, new address, new phone numbers to family members) Family members are still contacting me trying to get ahold of her because she changed her number and has not given it to them! She is blowing through the money she recieved from his insurance policy on unnecessary things- buying two sets of brand new furniture, landscaping the new yard, new car, new electronics, plastic surgery, clothes, etc.) She is in such a rush to lanscape the entire yard without doing research on what will grow well in our area, but still has several rooms that have not been unpacked. No one can talk to her about it without her getting defensive and saying no one will let her move on with her life, that she needs to move on and live her life, she cant change what happen to my dad. She is also being very promiscuous. Dating several different men at the same time. I know that she is terrified about being alone- she has always been this way. I am very sad for her. My step-father, was a very very wonderful man, who loved us all very much. He is and has always been my dad. I just cant figure out why she is acting like a wild teenager. I know he would be embarrassed, because most of the family is very embarrassed by her actions. I cant approach her about it and no one else can. My grandmother and I talked about it, she even tried to help her. Offered to sit down, write out a list of the paperwork/things that needed to be taken care of, and she flipped out and got very angry with my grandma. I am at a lost. She wont return back to work. She retired at the age of 44. She is too young to not do something to occupy her days. His retirement and insurance money cant sustain her spending habits! I hope someone would have some advice. At this point I am moving away. I cant watch her do these things anymore. I think as family, it cant be good to ignore the problem. But its the only thing we are doing because we are at a loss. If anyone has any suggestions it would be appreciated. I know that everyone grieves differently, and we shouldnt expect certain things from her- but I feel she is harming herself and doing more damage in the long run. I dont know- maybe I am wrong?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: I need help.

If your mom retired at 44 that puts you about 24 more or less. You do not have the experience to handle this situation. She really is not 'grieving" but trying to not grow old. Your step father appears to be older if he was getting retirement. That might be part of the problem.


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RE: I need help.

well, maybe.

Maybe she's doing that classic thing that we're all warned about;

don't make any big decisions for at least a year after the death of a spouse.

The reason is that our judgment is affected by grief, & we may be in a frenzy to distract ourselves from the way we feel & to get some endorphins (the "feel good" hormones) flowing.

Many 9-11 widows did exactly the same thing you're describing here, right down to blowing all the money.

I don't know of a way to protect someone from herself if she isn't in obvious need of a conservator.

I'm so sorry.


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