I;m so glad I found this forum today. I lost my beautiful son Brian just over 3 months ago. he died Nov. 22nd 08 it was just after midnight and he was driving his date home when he was hit head on by @#$% showing of his car. Brian was only 18 years old and I am so devastated!!! he had just graduated high school only 5 months earlier. He had everything in the world going for him. His date lindsey is recorvering well, I would say thank god but i no longer believe. my son died saving her life.the police said Brian did everything he could to get off the road without crashing into this huge wooden planter. he could have gone off the road and he might have lived but she surly would have died. the @#$%ing monster still hasn't been arrested and i am so full of rage and sadness. I am married to my high school sweet heart Ricky we have 4 surviving kids Jenny age 26 Rick age 23 Rose age 17 Was 16 when it happened John age 15 was14 when it happened rose and John just had birthdays and all I could think was that one day they will be older than Brian. My husband and I were so heartbroken we couldn't even help plan his funeral. My daughter did everything. and I know she did the best she could but I feel more should have been done. over 600 people came to his wake.It was like a horrible blurry dream. I really can't remember much. It was so over whelming. all these people, alot I didn;t even know all wanted to hug me and express ther condolenses even his kindergarden teacher was there. and I promised Brian I would not embarress him so kept my "game face" on but the whole time I just wanted to scream my head off. Brian was the kind of person who made friends everywhere he went. I'm glad with all my heart he was so loved but I'm still freaked out It was so over whelming. I still can't leave my house. I feel like everyone is staring at me. I know they're not. I never went back to work. It's only been a few months but I feel so bad. I hate laughing i feel so guilty that every time I have a "good day" i just punish myself for the next few days. We buried Brian the day befor thanks giving. His birthday was the day before xmas eve. I wanted him cremated because I can not bear to think of his beautiful face rotting in that box. his father brothers and sisters refused. I have not visited his grave since valentines day and i told my husband i'm never going there again. his grave is covered with dead frozen flowers stuffed animals letters pictures and un opened xmas and birthday presents it looks like a garbage dump. people say the stupidest things like what a nice gadrden he'll have. I can't dig in the soil knowing my little boy is in there. I no longer believe in god My son was such a great kid. he was all boy. If there is a god why my son?!!! why not the @#$% that did this to him. and why isn't he aressted? He had 3 other kids in his car( the @#$%) all including him were in the hospital for weeks one boy(not sure if this is a roumer) is in a wheelchair for life. and all the roumers are so @#$% crazy. I'm sorry this is so long. I have no one to talk to .my so called friends don;t understand. I still can;t talk on the phone. I spend my days all alone crying. I know Brian would not want me to be this way but i just can;t stop. Thanks for listening to a mothers broken heart. Laura i'm sorry if i sound crazy but i am so lost.

I am so sorry, I know how difficult it is since I lost my eldest daughter on 07/04/08 this year. Any time I think of her I cry. She was 31 and lost her life from pulmonary fibrosis, related to the type of chemotherapy she received. Her last 2 years were full of pain and suffering. Her name was Jennifer and she was so stong through all she had to endure. She was first diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma in April of 2002. She had to go through chemo, radiation and the following year, March of 2003 was rediagnosed. She had to have a bone marrow transplant, more chemo, and the agony of what the symptoms of that can do to your body. About 10% of patients develop pulanary fibrosis as a direct result of the type of chemo used. Unfortunately she had suffered all of the effects. I was her fulltime caregiver for the last 2 years of her life. I am now blessed to have full custody of her son, my only grandchild Nathan. I know the pain, the broken heart, the regrets on can feel. I take this one day at a time trying to concentrate on my blessings. 5 minutes from her death she said I see the man, and the beautiful sunlight. That evening in the sky my family and I saw the most beautiful pink clouds with a cross in the clouds. Pink was her favorite color. We know she is in heaven but we all miss her so. Unfortunately my family are all grieving separately. It is so difficult. I understand how much you hurt. I am so sorry that your wife and you are not communicating. I also feel the need to talk to others who feel what I feel. I think your wife may be angry and mean as a way to relieve her feelings. We always tend to hurt others that we love because we know that that person will still care tomorrow. My husband uses alcohol to numb his feelings of regret, so sadly I am not able to communicate with him. I have learned how important it is to tell my loved ones each and everyday how much I care and love them, many times I think about the past and dwell on things I could have done better. I will pray for you and your family. Someone who cares, Cindy

My son was also 23 years old and we are still confused about his death...the toxocology reports are also pending...though he wasn't a real drinker or drug person..he had just gotten engaged and really his life was headed in a good direction so I really don't understand...I try to talk to people when they come over but, all I do is cry and if they start to cry I feel bad for them and of course if I cry they do to so I have kind of avoided people lately...even at 23 he kissed me goodnight (on the top of my head) whenever he was here...he always told me he loved me and even though we did have our disagreements he was a very loving guy and always tried so hard to be kind to others...I can't believe the letters and cards that people have sent me with kind stories about him and what he did to help them or cheer them up...things I never knew...I have 2 other sons and he was the middle...just a little family that I fought and scraped for to get through some tough times...and it seemed like life was good for us...not rich but happy and loving...I guess I never knew just how happy I was until now when I see how unhappiness feels...its so sad to me that I just can't seem to feel anything...and I have a teenager that needs me to be there for him...and his older brother (my oldest son) they just seem so lost and sad and I can't make it better for them...I've always been the strong one and I am so alone and scared that I won't be able to pull my little family through this one...I do pray and I do have a strong faith and a supportive extended family but...like I said I can't be there for everyone else because when they see me they don't want me to be so sad and yet I just can't help it....there are just so many feelings overwhelming me...

Well, I don't know this for a fact, but whenever I read about a saintly person, I suspect that there must be SOME place they can go complain about their washing lepers' bandages, giving everything to the poor, ha! And Allyssa, you are in a very challenging situation fraught with emotion that will indeed call upon you to be a bit saintly - but the results down the road could be very rewarding. This little guy is probably going to go through harder times before things get better. To your great credit, you sound very wise in understanding that he's been through some awful stuff and he's going to have some acting out. I agree with the other posters - counseling for him and maybe the whole family would be a great start. About your baby-to-be, I don't think there is any supernatural reason why that isn't happening, but stress can supposedly make it harder to conceive. Whatever you can do to take care of yourself and to feel more at peace couldn't hurt, both in getting pregnant and having a healthy pregnancy. And whatever it takes to feel like your daughter isn't getting the short end of the stick in any way. And how are you and your DH doing? Is there a strain between you at all? One other thing strikes me about your post - your sense that you don't want to overstep the mom boundaries. That is very sensitive and perceptive. I would say that your basic stance with SS right now could be "I know I can't replace your mom, but I am a mom, and I'm here for you." And down the road, the mother-son bond may well grow. Bottom line, don't beat yourself up. You sound like you have a lot of wisdom and understanding about what your SS is going through, and the challenges to your family. Having someone to talk to is so important! Hope you get some help here. Best wishes.