I am so sorry, I know how difficult it is since I lost my eldest daughter on 07/04/08 this year. Any time I think of her I cry. She was 31 and lost her life from pulmonary fibrosis, related to the type of chemotherapy she received. Her last 2 years were full of pain and suffering. Her name was Jennifer and she was so stong through all she had to endure. She was first diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma in April of 2002. She had to go through chemo, radiation and the following year, March of 2003 was rediagnosed. She had to have a bone marrow transplant, more chemo, and the agony of what the symptoms of that can do to your body. About 10% of patients develop pulanary fibrosis as a direct result of the type of chemo used. Unfortunately she had suffered all of the effects. I was her fulltime caregiver for the last 2 years of her life. I am now blessed to have full custody of her son, my only grandchild Nathan. I know the pain, the broken heart, the regrets on can feel. I take this one day at a time trying to concentrate on my blessings. 5 minutes from her death she said I see the man, and the beautiful sunlight. That evening in the sky my family and I saw the most beautiful pink clouds with a cross in the clouds. Pink was her favorite color. We know she is in heaven but we all miss her so. Unfortunately my family are all grieving separately. It is so difficult. I understand how much you hurt. I am so sorry that your wife and you are not communicating. I also feel the need to talk to others who feel what I feel. I think your wife may be angry and mean as a way to relieve her feelings. We always tend to hurt others that we love because we know that that person will still care tomorrow. My husband uses alcohol to numb his feelings of regret, so sadly I am not able to communicate with him. I have learned how important it is to tell my loved ones each and everyday how much I care and love them, many times I think about the past and dwell on things I could have done better. I will pray for you and your family. Someone who cares, Cindy

My son was also 23 years old and we are still confused about his death...the toxocology reports are also pending...though he wasn't a real drinker or drug person..he had just gotten engaged and really his life was headed in a good direction so I really don't understand...I try to talk to people when they come over but, all I do is cry and if they start to cry I feel bad for them and of course if I cry they do to so I have kind of avoided people lately...even at 23 he kissed me goodnight (on the top of my head) whenever he was here...he always told me he loved me and even though we did have our disagreements he was a very loving guy and always tried so hard to be kind to others...I can't believe the letters and cards that people have sent me with kind stories about him and what he did to help them or cheer them up...things I never knew...I have 2 other sons and he was the middle...just a little family that I fought and scraped for to get through some tough times...and it seemed like life was good for us...not rich but happy and loving...I guess I never knew just how happy I was until now when I see how unhappiness feels...its so sad to me that I just can't seem to feel anything...and I have a teenager that needs me to be there for him...and his older brother (my oldest son) they just seem so lost and sad and I can't make it better for them...I've always been the strong one and I am so alone and scared that I won't be able to pull my little family through this one...I do pray and I do have a strong faith and a supportive extended family but...like I said I can't be there for everyone else because when they see me they don't want me to be so sad and yet I just can't help it....there are just so many feelings overwhelming me...

The holidays are always "emotional"...but Christmas is the birth of my Savior...and my emotion is joy! Yes, there is always that twinge of remembering those empty chairs that were once filled with my two dear departed husbands...but I can rejoice in knowing they are with the "Reason for the Season" and I will join them in the not too distant future. I find so much happiness in helping people who are suffering from the loss of health and jobs...as well as loved ones...and I am sure you would not have to look far to find someone who would welcome any help you might offer them. Volunteer for something...adopt a family, take food to a shut-in, a plate of cookies to a neighbor, ring a bell at a red kettle, phone a long-lost friend or relative, visit a nursing home and be thankful you are able to live in your home, drive someone on an errand, offer to shop for someone who can not do it, light a candle and reflect on how thankful you are...oh my, the list could be endless...be creative...and know that tough times do not last, tough people do! Now go and have a Merry Christmas....and you might also make a trip back to your church while you are at it....you might be pleasantly surprised....hope so!

I read this book last month for a book group (hee, great for the holidays....:) Some mixed emotions about it. I agree that she does a very good job of showing how grief works, how her mind and body reacts to it, and how she starts on the very long road to 'the new normal' as a friend calls it. But some things bothered me. I have not read another book by her, but I understand that she is very intellectual and exact. Even tho I was aware of this, I was rather surprised at the cold writing. She seemed removed, distant. Not that she wasn't experiencing emotion, but that it didn't come through on the page, at least not for me. I also wondered about her relationship with John - they obviously were intertwined both personally, professionally and socially, in a way that many couples are not. Yet they could not talk about death, even tho she knew he was ill. He apparently tried to bring it up, and she couldn't. How would it have been different for her if she did? Probably not, but its sad that she had difficulty with the idea. I also wondered what her relationship with her daughter in such a interdependent relationship. She obviously loved her - but something was missing. >She mentions that when she was young, grieving was an open and accepted part of life...and people were very supportive. Today, people expect the bereaved to get over it, and do their grieving in private, and with support groups. Really? I didn't notice that, I may have to give it a reread. I see its just the opposite. In my parents day you did not ever ever talk about death, dying, mourning, even with your own family. Now - people are much more likely to express their emotions (granted, I've had a few deaths of family and friends in the last few years and I am just basing my obserations on what I saw through that process) I do find it interesting that people will talk about sex willingly whereas death is something else entirely, tho its more open than in the past. The 'off limits' part I find interesting. She has written about a most private year for public perusal. I don't really think there is much 'off limits' at this point. I did find it interesting in my book group, how uncomfortable everyone got if someone criticized the book or her (not in a mean way at all, just bringing up a critique). Obviously some folks felt strongly that there should be no negative discussion. It is interesting to here her interview. Terry Gross, who I normally don't like, interviewed her on NPRs Fresh Aire program last month. Very good interview, and you can listen to it on their website. Finally - I want to ask something but I don't want to make a spoiler. Does this forum accept HTML codes? Can I do a 'white' post?