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Anger - Dad moving on

Posted by msm2000-05 (My Page) on
Mon, Apr 9, 07 at 13:36

Hi I'm new to this but was hoping to get some advice. My mom passed away almost 2 years ago, 2 years in June, suddenly. I was with her when it happened. She was 57. She and I were best friends. We did everything together including teach at the same school. I'm now 29 and recently I got engaged and am now trying to plan the wedding without her.
One of the big issues that has come up is that my father has met someone and been spending time with this woman. I know he should have a life of his own but I can't help but get angry with him when I hear about this new woman. He says they are just friends but I think it's more then that. I hate the fact that this is all happening now. It makes it even harder to deal with him moving on when all I want is my mom to be here, especially to help with the wedding. I don't know how to get rid of the anger or stop being mad with my dad and accept him moving on. We've had talks about it but it keeps coming back. Any advice?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Anger - Dad moving on

Wow, that's a rough one. I think you're working through this the right way. But it's hard to see your dad starting a 'new' life at the same time you're trying to do the same thing. It seems being newly engaged, the limelight should be more on you and your exciting news, and this is what your mom would have provided if she was here, with your dad at her side. So, I think you're dealing with at least two things here, the prospect of planning a joyous occasion without your best friend, and the loss of your dad's -- I don't sense it's support -- but his attention at this time, as he focused somewhere else. But hang in there. It seems like he's willing to talk about it, WONDERFUL thing for a man to do I might add, but maybe if you just take it in baby steps. "Okay, I have to go pick out the place where I'm having my wedding," for instance, "What would mom have approved of?" If you take little itty-bitty steps it might not seem as overwhelming as it does now. And maybe -- hopefully, in the future, the woman your dad is dating could come into play with your plans. And if you see your dad happy, eventually it may give you a little peace.
But don't ever think that anyone can take your mom or her preciousness away from you, you'll always have her in your heart -- where it counts.
Sorry that it seems like I'm blathering. I guess I could have shortened this considerably -- LOL -- by saying to give it time.


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RE: Anger - Dad moving on

This must be a hard for you. It's always tough when we first start to see our parents as real people with a place and purpose in the world that is separate from their role as our parents. You and your mother had that because you could see her in the workplace and her value there without the need to see it as separate from you because you were there too.

You miss your mother but just imagine how alone he feels. Every minute of every day. Typically men who have had a good relationship start dating again pretty quickly. Many of them aren't very good at going through life alone and his choice to find a 'friend' doesn't take anything away from your mother or from his relationship with her. Try to be happy for him. You've found someone at 29 to share your life with; I bet you have some girlfriends who are depressed because they are in their late 20s and don't feel like they'll ever meet anyone special. How much scarier to be in your late 50s and feel everything in your life changing and not have someone to share it with. He's lost his wife and now, with your marriage, he's losing his little girl. Be happy for him that he has a friend and be happy that your father is still with you at this special time in your life.


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RE: Anger - Dad moving on

Thanks for the messages! I know my Dad deserves to have a life and I would hate to see him at home alone all the time. I just have a hard time dealing with the new life I guess we all have, life without mom. Especially with the wedding it's seems to have brought everything back. Sometimes I feel just like I did when she first died...empty. My dad tries and is helping with the wedding and letting me have what I want and need. It's just not the same. Guess I'm not sure how to move on without her and feel like I'm letting her go if I do. Sometimes it feels like people are forgetting her, especially my Dad. We never talk about her much anymore. It hurts!


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RE: Anger - Dad moving on

msm- I just want to let you know that your mom will definitely be with you on your wedding day. My mom (also 57)died almost two years ago. I got married last year and obviously she wasn't physically there to help me plan and see me marry my wonderful husband but she was definitely there in spirit as I'm sure your mother will be.

As for your dad, I know it's hard to see him with another woman, but you need to think of how he feels too. I'm sure he misses your mom terribly and this decision is just as hard for him. He's still living and needs to live his life to the fullest. That doesn't mean he doesn't love your mom with all of his heart. I'm sure he does and always will.


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RE: Anger - Dad moving on

OH DO I HAVE THE SAME ISSUE BUT MINE IS WORSE THAN YOURS..... MY MOM DIED MAY 18 2006, JUST A YEAR AGO, AND SINCE HER DEATH MY DAD HAS BECOME VERY CLOST TO A WITCH....THEY WENT ON A CRUISE TOGETHER FOR NEW YEARS, CAME HOME AND THE ARE ENGAGED!!!!!! AND IF YOU THINK THAT IS AWFUL IT GETS BETTER........ IT'S MY MOMS FIRST COUSIN.... NOW HOW CAN IT GET ANY WORSE, WELL IT DOES MY MOM LOVED GOING TO MY SON'S BASEBALL GAMES HE IS A SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL THIS YEAR AND IT'S HIS LAST YEAR PLAYING THEY ARE IN SECTIONAL TOURNAMENTS WHICH MEANS IF HE WINS THEY GO TO STATE!!!! WELL MY DAD HASN'T GONE TO ONE OF HIS TORN. GAMES YET..... AND MY SON PLAYS TOMORROW AND MY DAD IS GOING TO HER HOUSE OUT OF TOWN ANDWONT BE AT HIS GAME AGAIN..... I AM SO HURT I CALLED HIM UP AND TOLD HIM WHAT I THOUGHT ABOUT HIM MISSING HIS LAST GAME AND OBVIOUSLY IT DOESN'T MATTER HE IS CHOOSING HER OVER HIS OWN FAMILY... I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO MY HUSBAND FOUND OUT THAT HE IS GOING OUT OF TOWN AND HE'S READY TO BLOW A GASKET..... DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY ADVICE FOR ME I NEED SOME SUPPORT SO BAD..... PLEASE POST IT.. THANKS....BUGSLILGIRL.


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RE: Anger - Dad moving on

That is a difficult situation. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of you mom. It's very difficult and I still struggle with losing my mom. As for your father, that's hard. I don't know how I'd react if my dad came home and said he was engaged. Based on what you've said it seems like he's afraid of being alone. I know my father is. He's come out and told me that he can't be alone and has no intention of spending the rest of his life that way. It's unfortunate that your dad seems to be choosing his new relationship over his family and seems to be disconnecting from all of you. I know I've talked to my father about not seeing him as much if he got involved with someone, etc. and why he thinks he's completely alone when he has all of us. My mom would have become very involved with my brother's and I and grandkids if something had happened to my dad first. Of course when I tell my dad that...he regards that as unhealthy! That we should have our own lives, etc. I agree he does need a life for himself...but he still has a family and he's not all alone.
I've had a very hard time dealing with things and have even sought help from a grief counselor. I guess what I've learned is that my father is not my mother. He won't be there in the same way she was or even in the same way they both were before she died. It's hard to accept and deal with and sad that it comes to that but it has. I've learned to try and focus on my life...my upcoming wedding and just buying our first house recently, etc. My dad is still around and part of my life but it's not like it used to be. It's easier said then done but my advice would be to focus on your family and not drive yourself crazy or become unhappy because your dad chooses to do something else. It hurts and it's painful but in the end he'll make the decision to be involved or not. Death changes things and it's a hard and difficult road. Continue to talk your dad about your feelings and invite to be part of things. That's what I do with my father right now and if he chooses not be part of something...then I just try and think of it as his lose and go on and do what I need to do for me...or in your case it would be for you and your family. I hope this helps and didn't upset you more. That's not my intention. I'd be happy to talk about it more if you'd like. Wishing you the best!


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RE: Anger - Dad moving on

I've been reading your posts and thought I'd comment. Don't know if I'm much help. I lost my Mom, who was my very best friend, in December of 2005 to cancer. Since then I've learned to see my parents as seperate people. It's a strange thing really. I grew up seeing them as my parents, the two of them being one force in my life and each with their own role to play. I now realize a lot of what my "parents" did in my life was driven by my Mom. I somehow can't see myself being mad at my Dad for this even if what he does hurts sometimes. I know he is lost without my Mom and trying to battle being alone and the realization of how quickly life flies by. We do work to keep the lines of communication open and sometimes I have to put on a happy face and support him when what he's saying to me is tearing me apart inside when he's talking about someone he is seeing. I try to think about what my Mom would want for him. She loved him so much and for so many years. I invite him to all of our family holiday events and I invite him over for dinner during the week. We go to lunch together and talk on the phone most days even if it's just for a bit. I've had a women he's dating over and we've been to dinner at her house. I think that, for me, I don't compete with the life he's trying to create but I stay positive and inviting and we've managed to stay close. I don't "expect" things from him and that keeps me from being disapointed when he doesn't show up for something. We all have to live our own lives. My hope is that he would be comfortable talking to me and would value my opinion when he is questioning things in his life and I think he does. Who knows. I'm taking it as it comes and doing my best to live a happy and healthy life. The pain of missing my Mom is seperate from what's going on in my Dad's life. I know my Mom is there in everything I do silently cheering me on and I would bet your Mothers are there in the same way for you. I became a Mother in January 2005 and I lost my Mom in December 2005. A Mother's love is something special. Thanks for letting me ramble. It helps. :)


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RE: Anger - Dad moving on

I read your note and have been thinking about you for the last 3 days. I am sorry about your mom and the saddness you feel. The saddness will get better slowing as you move through your life, just as your dad is moving through his. Please let your dad live and choose how to move on with his life. Everyone grieves differently AND everyone LIVES differently. Know that he loves you. You will always be his daughter.

During your marriage preparation, when you feel sadness or anger, look into your mother's eyes of one of her pictures. You will see her telling you that everything will be ok. Carry that picture with you when you need it most. It really works, believe! God Bless your new life to come.


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