my mom died of cancer when I was eighteen

15 years ago

it's been three and a half years since my mom died...she would have been 44 last week. I wonder if anyone else feels how I've been feeling lately...I live in a dorm at college and everyone on the wing basically knows about my mom's death. And I'm careful to be open about it, because I don't want it to be awkward. But I feel like they ignore the fact that this catastrophic thing happened to me, and like they don't even care. But I know they do, and they just don't know what to say or do...I wouldn't and don't for hard things in their lives, either. So I struggle with myself cause I want to just sit them down and say, don't you realize that my mother is dead? Don't you realize how my life is devastated? ...but they're doing the best they know how and I couldn't possibly do that to them, but then it just gets shoved aside and the feeling sort of grows over time....am I just weird? anyone have any advice?

Comments (4)

sylviatexas1
15 years ago
I'm so sorry you've lost your Mom.

Forty-four is way too young.

I wish we always had the resources to be sympathetic, but so often we just don't;
we don't know what to say, or we feel weird, or we don't want to engage in what may turn out to be an uncomfortable conversation...
or we don't want to hear it, because we don't want to realize that it could happen to us.

Maybe you can sort of take your dorm friends 'out' of this part of your life, not expecting them to offer support but enjoying them for what they can offer.

You can reach out to other people for emotional sustenance with this;
on-campus or pastoral counselling, your own clergyperson, a grief support group...people who know how to respond to someone else's pain.

I wish you the best.
ting_ting
15 years ago
I'm sorry you lost your Mum so early.
I did too, but it was a while ago now, but I still like to stay in touch with her via TheCelestialMailroom
I email her regularly and it makes me feel better.
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I am so sorry for your losses. I had a similar situation, but mine was my mother and brother. My mom had a heart attack and while she was in the hospital she also suffered a stroke. We had all of our attention on helping her get better and my 47 year old brother had a heart attack and died. On the day we were having his viewing they decided to send my mom home from the hospital. We were all in shock over her sickness, his death, and then we had to get her home and settled. My brother wasnÂt married, and he lived with my mom. I have 6 other brothers and 5 sisters all scrambling around to get things settled and get to the viewing, so some of us were there at different times, and not all of us at the same time, which probably seemed strange to friends and family that werenÂt aware of the situation. Anyway what IÂm trying to get at is we didnÂt feel we gave him proper attention during his death, so when the 6 month mark came, my mom was doing much better, and we were still in numbness and grieving, we decided to have a celebration of his life. We got the activity center at our church, invited friends and family to celebrate with us. We asked that each person write down a memory they had of my brother, and if they had any pictures to attach them to the memories, and we made them into a scrap book. It wasnÂt anything formal, just friends and family and memories. We were able to laugh and cry together and give our undivided attention to his memory. So I think maybe you could do that for your son, and get some closure to your feelings of not giving him your full attention. By the way, I think you gave all you could give considering the circumstances. Again, I am sorry for you losses!
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I’m so glad you are happy with the life you have and the sacrifices you have made. However, sometimes in these situations I think the elephant in the room is all of the attention that goes to someone who made poor choices in life, caused much angst and agony for others, or even abused others, whether it was intentional or not, and then putting that person on a pedestal—what does that say to the children in the family, to others, to the world? I get it completely. Mom is mom, and I know that mom can be a drug-addicted ho, literally, and still she’ll be given a 1001+ chances by her children. Now, bio-dad will never be given near that many, and SM won’t even be given 1, more than likely, but there is definitely something, in the genes perhaps, about forgiving and loving to death a biological mother that goes above and beyond everything and anything, including self-preservation sometimes. However, I think you probably should have sung your praises more than you did in this case. You state, “My husband is crushed, she was his first love, and he always felt that they should have stayed married. I understand that, as much as it hurts to know that I'll never be his first, and I'll never have the place in his heart that she did.” Personally, I would hope that you have an even more profound place in his heart than she did. It has been 13 years now since you posted this. Maybe things have changed and maybe not. I hope you and your husband and your two children have all gone on to bigger and better, more positive and enlightening things in life, and you now all celebrate your own positive achievements to the max. and with each other.
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heydeborah
15 years ago
Hi,
our daughter (or is now my, i'm still not sure what to write), also lost her dad when she was 18, it has only been a little over a year for us. she was to go out of town to go to university and 2 weeks before i said to her maybe you should go to school here (we are a university and college city) incase something happens to your dad and you have to leave school early. so she went to school here, still on a scholarship, the university here was her last choice to go to, she did not want to go to school here, but she did on her scholarship, and told me everyday how much she hated the school here, (i would like to say that our home life is/was fine, so she didn't want to leave because of that, it was just that the outoftown school had more to offer), so on feb. 21 her dad was taken by ambulance to the hospital, and was taken off of life support the next evening.
she still says to me, i can't believe -so and so, says that they are so upset because they couldn't get a ticket to see a bank and go on and on, and my daughter says yah, but my dad died and you're worried about a ticket and they reply with nothing. they all know but they nothing. we had to go to the university to get some marks estimated i went with her, we also had to write a letter and attach a death certificate, do you know that not of the administration people offered us their sympathy? i worked in that office with most of those people too. i couldn't believe how cold they were, maybe they were told not to say anything to anyone as an office policy, i know that i didn't care when i worked there, i could just see the grief of some "kids" face someone who lived out of town, it was heartbreaking. i think that young people your age, don't know how to react, and perhaps that they have never lost someone as close to them. our son, is 5 years older than his sister, and he is employed, he was overwhelmed by the people he knows and so was i. but after 2 months these people seemed to "forget" us, which i read was normal.
do you have student services, for counselling? we don't have anything here like that and the same for grief support for even me. if i had a gambling problem i could get a ton of help (we now have a casino here). i see people who knew my husband and they just don't know how to even say, i'm sorry.
so i will say to you, i am so sorry for your loss.

debbie
vera_thommen_gymliestal_ch
13 years ago
Hey ilovealyssum

i lots my mom when i was 12.now im 19. she died in a car accident. i lost her from one moment to the other. i know this pain. its hard to describe and therefore only comprehensible to people who have had such a horrible experience. you know every person has to deal with hard situations-ours might be exceptionally hard-but still, nobody's life is just easy and sugary. imagine how depressing and sad our world would be when every one always talks about the terrible things and would always cry with you and be compassionate.i know that sometimes it is your biggest wish..but turst me, you would feel so much worse since no one would cheer you up.life has to go on in order to get enjoyable again! and it will be,trust me! therefore get up,live and don't judge others when they dont feel like being sad. don't expect too much and remember you are much more mature than your peers who still have their parents. whenever you feel like crying and being huged call a good friend, god mother, neightbour and so on but dont go out there and get depressed coz you college friends want to be happy!
i wish you all the best and lots of strenght! thank you for posting this article! i think there is way to less advice for people like us out there...
love

my mom died of cancer when I was eighteen

Comments (4)

sylviatexas1

ting_ting

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