Payton, I'm very sorry for your loss. I can relate to what you are going through. I just lost my mom on January 1st of this year. She was a young 50 years old, and suffered a horrible painful death due to Scleroderma and Pulmonary Hypertension. Basically, she couldn't breathe anymore, and her lungs and heart failed her. I just turned 23 years old a few weeks ago. Life sure does seem unfair doesn't it? We are so young to have to endure this kind of pain and emptiness. The only thing that gets me through it is having faith in God and the love of family and friends around me. No matter how alone you feel, you are NEVER completely alone. There is always someone else out there going through a similar situation as you too. Unfortunately death is a part of life that we all must learn to deal with. My mom was my best friend, and sadly I realized just how much she means to me after she was already gone. I wish I could have told her that she was the best mom in the entire world and that I am a good person because of her. I would consider myself to have been a good daughter, but there is so much more I wish I would have done. I took for granted that she would always be there for me, and that she would never dieat least not for another 20 or 30 years. God had other plans though. You and I both need to realize that no matter how much we did, we never would have felt like it was enough. I guess it's hard to repay the person who gave you life and loved you unconditionally like no one else could. This journey of grief you face has only just begun, as has mine. However, I choose to believe people when they say it will get easier. Not a day goes by that I won't think about my mom or miss her deeply, as I'm sure this is the same for you, but with time maybe we can learn to cope with their passing. I think losing one's mother is possibly the hardest thing to go through, so if we make it through this then there is nothing we can't handle. When I feel really sad sometimes, I try to remember how my mom would want me to be. She wouldn't want me to stop living my life and be depressed during the days I have left. She would want me to make her proud and be a good person, and that's what I'm going to try to do. Treasure the memories you have with your mom, and never forget how much she loved you. She knows you loved her too, and wouldn't want you to feel any guilt. One thing we can be thankful for is that our moms' arenÂt suffering any longer, and they now have the most beautiful heavenly bodies. My mom couldn't handle anymore physical pain, and I'm grateful she doesn't have to be trapped inside that failing body anymore. I selfishly want her here with me of course, but she was too good of a person to endure so much pain. Remember, someday soon we will join our moms' again, and be reunited with big hugs from them! Try to make her proud everyday, and remember it's okay to cry too. We will always miss them, but death isn't the end. It's just a temporary separation until we join them again on the other side. Take care and remember you are not alone. You will get through this and always keep your mom's memory in your heart. She may be gone, but her love for you will never die. I wish you well, Lisa

Rebekkah, I'm so sorry. I hope you will read some of the posts on this forum, including old ones. You will see that you are most definitely not alone. Your mother was young, but not everyone lives to an old age. Many of us lost parents when we were quite young. I was nine when my mother died. I remember thinking similar thoughts to yours: I wanted to take back some of the things I said to her. I can tell you this, though. Not being about to take back things said in anger made me very cautious about what I said to people after that. After the age of nine, I never said anything in anger that I regretted afterward. I'm particularly sorry that you had to witness the medical efforts to save her. If these images persist in your mind, please see a therapist, someone experienced in helping those who grieve and particularly those who have experienced trauma at the same time. Re fairness, try to remember that life is neither fair nor unfair. It just is. When you think about what goes on in the world, it's easier to accept that statement. This was nothing you could have prevented. It's absolutely not your fault. Please try to live as your mother would want. She will guide you for the rest of your life. What would Mom want me to do? is a question you should ask yourself often. At some point you should read Motherless Daughters and Letters From Motherless Daughters. Good books. Finally, keep your heart and mind open to possible signs from your mother. They may or may not come, but if they do you'll want to recognize them. And some night she may come to you in a dream. Keep us posted, Rebekkah. Susan

Sending my condolences and sympathy. No matter how long we have our parents, it's soooo hard to lose one. Men like your precious Father are huge in my eyes for passing by example their wonderful traits to thier children, who pass it along to theirs, and it goes on and on. Suzi

I am so sorry to hear your sad news. I pray you have many happy memories to keep your mom alive in your heart. May God especially bless your dad and help him through this most difficult of times. Barb