bbear, I'm so very sorry for the loss of your precious son. All of your and your wife's feelings at this time are perfectly normal. When you lose your child, you have lost part of yourself and your entire being is affected and will be changed forever. I know the feelings because I too, lost my only daughter/best friend, just one week from her 20th birthday. She was trying to save the life of our dog who had been hit by a car. She was then hit by a truck as she was hovered over him and trying to wave traffic around him. I'll give you a link to her site if you would like to "meet" her. I imagine that your son, my daughter and all the others loved ones who have left are together now. It will take probably several years, and as much as you may believe that you won't ever feel better, I promise you, the pain does lessen. If it didn't, we certainly would not be able to survive this world. I would say that for at least a year, I was in a total daze. Looking back on the 6 1/2 years since she has left, I really don't know where the time went. I think I have been and still am in a fog. Night after night, I would even forget to eat. The hours passed by and I was there, but not there. I remember 7 months after Christin left, I was going to visit her at the cemetery and crossed a railroad track. I remember hearing something behind me the minute I crossed the track. I looked in my rear view mirror and a train zipped down the track where I had just crossed. I don't remember seeing it as I was approaching. In this state of mind, please try to be extra careful driving. As hard as it is to believe, the time will come when you will think of your son and smile. You will begin to feel happiness and gratefulness for the 20 years you had with him rather than focusing on how much you've been cheated of by losing him. It may take many years, but eventually, it will probably come. It is so good that you can openly cry. My husband does also and he doesn't care who sees him. I think this is a very healthy way to heal. Actually, he is more open with tears than I am. Those tears of sadness can come out of no where when you least expect them, but crying is supposedly cleansing.If you don't express your grief openly, then it will eventually come out in one way or another. I'm so glad that you found us and please feel free to post as often as you like and on any topic at all. No matter how bizarre a feeling you have may seem, someone here will probably have experienced it and can maybe help you know that you are not alone. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Lu Here is a link that might be useful: Christin Cosby Memorial Web Site

So soory to hear of your loss. I too lost my only son on Sept. 27 2004, it is something we never get over just learn to live with it every day. He left behind 2 beautiful boys and they are my link to him. Now Christmas is upon us and we all have to get though it. Thankfully i have 2 wonderful daughters who will be with us for the holidays. This is only suppose to happen to someone else not us.my brother lost his daughter 11 years ago and it was terrible now we must go through it too. I hope you have a nice hoilday,nothing is the same but you get though each day one minute at a time. My sister gave me a little verse in a photo frame it reads Sometimes when one person is missing,the whole world seems depopulated. I thought it was so fitting for some days. But you do have your grandson like me and they do bring back some joy in our lives. Take care and come here often everyone is super great and are very helpful. darlene

I am so sorry. I don't know a thing that'll decrease the grief of losing someone or the initial pain. & in a way I think that we all need to go through that fire because, as Queen Elizabeth said after 9/11, grief is the price we pay for love. The deeper the love, the deeper the grief. I also like what Kahlil Gibran said in "The Prophet": ***************************************************** On Joy and Sorrow Kahlil Gibran Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives? When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. Some of you say, "Joy is greater thar sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater." But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced. When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall. ******************************************************** I do think that you have every reason to live & to thrive: you're expecting a grandchild, your son's child, *& you are the only person who can give that child the sense of his/her father as he was when he was a baby, a tot, a child, a teen, a young man, from your perspective as his mother.* Your position in that baby's life is unique; you are irreplaceable. Your grandchild is the next link in your son's chain of life. *********************************************************** My own experience with loss & grief has given me some perspective on practical things, such as: don't expect that you will function as you did before, at least for the first year or maybe more. Go easy on yourself; don't make demands of yourself. Know that you'll have mostly dark days for a while, & that your grief will 'sneak attack' you. You'll think everything's going fine, & you'll burst into tears. Let them flow. Don't make any life changes for at least a year, & I would guess 2 years would be better, given the closeness of the relationship. We just aren't in full control of our moods for at least a year, & our moods trump our brain's logical process, so don't do anything for at least a year. Don't sell the house, don't buy a condo or a motor home or a boat, don't sell all your stocks & clean out your bank account & move to Tahiti, don't, if you're divorced or widowed, date. at all. Don't do anything. ****************** I wish you the best. Take care of yourself, be there as much as you can for your daughter-in-law, let her be there for you, & be there for that baby.

Oh honey, I sense your pain. You sound just like Hamsteve, the wonderful stepdad who raised his SD w/ his wife, the girl's mother. The biodad there, also poisoned the DD against her mom and stepdad despite not being there for the girl for the most part in any way, provided her w/ a country club partying life and she moved from VA to FL - not looking back. She is the only child there, too. Like most of our advice to Steve, I think and hope and pray this will run its course. Steve's DD has outright been very negative towards him and her mother, not calling, even flying back to their town to visit friends w/o notifying them, etc. Keep the lines of communication open as best you can. The SM's behavior is despicable and so far out of line, it isn't remotely humorous. I can't understand their motive. But, I wonder if all will be fine and dandy in another few months, or more. It's only been a week and a half. As a mom, I know that sounds like a lifetime, but it isn't that long - they're all still in the honeymoon phase. Even my SD's first few weeks here were great. But, then little things began to bug me - I did more cleaning up than ever before and began to resent her. Of course, she never treated me very well in the beginning of our marriage, so we have a history w/ old wounds, etc. Anyway, even under the best of circumstances, it's tough to share a roof w/ someone who really hasn't been there all along. What do you think their motivation was to get him w/ them? It can't be financial, esp. given the miniscule amount they contributed to his well-being. Just plain old jilted feelings from nearly 20 years ago? Maybe try to ride this out, be glad he's not living in some apt. somewhere w/ a nutty roommate, and be supportive. If they continue their negativity towards you, make frequent visits and then see if DS will consider living in the dorm or an apt. Try to talk that aspect up. If he gets a gf, he may desire more privacy, less rules, etc. My SS disappeared from us over 2 years ago. I think his issues are that he is gay, and not comfortable w/ that, and that he messed up. Everyone had high hopes for this boy - he was very, very smart. He either dropped or failed out of college after moving to a partying atmosphere sr. year. He also stuck me on his $25K student loans I cosigned for him. Nonetheless, I tell his sisters that while I'm disappointed, it isn't worth losing the family over and he is welcome back any time. Even they don't hear much from him. I fear there were drugs he got involved w/ for the turn around. DH buries his head in the sand on most unpleasant issues and they never talked about the gay issue. So, after all of this, I'm just saying to keep in touch w/ your son. He should have more and more of a sense of who was there for him through the years as time goes on. Meanwhile, keep communicating, try not to be always defending yourself if issues arise, though that's hard. It's better to give your side of any stories face to face - and I'd plan to be there as much as I could. All the best, Dana