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On top of everything else...

Posted by cheerful1 (My Page) on
Wed, Mar 16, 05 at 11:30

My father passed away a few weeks ago. My husband and I have been having problems; now he is talking divorce. I feel like I can't handle this. I'm at work, and want to break down and cry all the time. My mother has her good and bad days. Yesterday was a bad day. Don't know what to do.

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: On top of everything else...

Cheerful - so sorry you are going through this. What a tough time to be talking about a divorce. Not sure if there really is a good time...have you joined any support groups for dealing with the loss of your father? I did when my mom passed - it was an online one that centered around the disease that killed her. I still belong to one 9 years later. maybe you should go and get some counciling too if you are open to that - A death and a divorce are two huge things to get through on your own - both at once is a lot. It can help. I don't know if you were just venting or really looking for suggestions. know that your forum friends are here for you and feel free to email me directly as well if you want. take care of yourself. (((hugs)))

RE: On top of everything else...

Right now it's venting, but I appreciate any support I can get.

RE: On top of everything else...

I'm so sorry. I would imagine that you feel your whole world is crashing in. Had your father been sick for a long time? Maybe your husband feels neglected. Not that that's an excuse for divorce, but maybe you could try to explain what you are going through and what you have been going through and ask him to give it some more time.
This could be a cry for help from him. He may know that this is your most vulnerable time since your dad just passed away. Maybe he thinks that he can make the most impact on you now. I know that is mean, but it could happen. He may want changes and know that now, more than ever, you would be more receptive to listen to him and try to save the marriage. Just a thought.
I hope that we can help you in the future. If you do divorce, this will be another major grief. I hope it all works out.

RE: On top of everything else...

Dear Lu: My father died suddenly of a heart attack three weeks ago at the age of 82. He lived a good life (5 children, 5 grandchildren, 8 great-grandchildren). No matter how much time you have with them, it's never enough. My condolences to you and your family. It's very tough to lose someone so close. I have to take everything a day at a time. My situation is hard to explain, but I think we both want it to work. Thanks to everyone for their support.

RE: On top of everything else...

guys have a lamentable tendency to crank out like that at about the worst times possible...they're not raised to address their fears and griefs and stresses openly, nor do they usually have the kind of network that we do...

my husband's better than most, but he tends to respond to any actual request for support by moping and acting like my asking him to do more than he's already doing is unreasonable (while being willing to admit that I work longer hours, have more commitments, and still manage to do more housework)

however, it's a strict rule in the house that divorce is not an option, and not to be brought up. ever. certainly not in a 'venting' environment. we both think that's both incredibly crass, and the leading cause of relationships that fail- if quitting is an option, it's always more tempting than working things out.

you might want to propose at least a limited moratorium on such nonsense- at least until things settle down?
(yeah, I know, ha, ha- settle down?) with a simple 'look, this doesn't help, and neither of us have time or energy for this-'

at least we have forums like this. you have to wonder where the guys let go of things.

RE: On top of everything else...

I agree with another poster who suggested that it might be a cry for help. Recently while I was going through a severe grieving spell for my mother who passed June '03, I begged my husband for a divorce. (I was so hoping he would fight against it, and he did.) But the point is, I thought I was unhappy with my marriage when it was profound grief I has dealing with. It was my best friend who recognized that it wasn't my marriage, it was my sorrow. I was dumping on the only person who would let me wail like a lunatic. Anyway, he may be hoping that you fight against divorce and try to work things out. I agree it's lousy timing.

RE: On top of everything else...

I hope you will consider speaking with a mental health professional right away. This sounds like a very complex situation, and not something most people could handle very well on their own. You are talking about major losses! It must be devastating to you, to have your husband talking about a divorce at this point in your grieving. You're being kicked while you're down, and there is no justification for that kind of treatment. Find a counselor. You deserve support and help in clarifying what YOU think and what YOU need. It will help you to talk to someone face to face about the loss of your dad, and it's possible that the same person can counsel you, or direct you to someone who works with couples, should you and your husband seek marriage counseling. For now, do everything you can to take care of yourself. You deserve it.

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