Will the pain aver go away?

16 years ago

I lost my husband to pancreatic cancer in Dec-2000, he was diagnosed in stage 4, and lived 3 months, he was 44. He was everything for me. It seems that it was long enough and I should feel better about it by now, but recently I lost 2 of my best friends, and this brought me right back to square one, the pain feels unbearable at times, I would do anything to see him, talk to him, have a moment with him, know how he is.

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (6)

kjkst
16 years ago
My mother just died this Sunday. I can't believe the pain I am feeling. I have never experienced anything like this. I sometimes think I am okay and then I just break down crying. I just want her back. I just want to tell her how much I love her. How much she meant to me. How much I appreciate her. People say it gets better, but it sure is hard. I know that my mother suffered alot in the end, and that she is at peace now, but I want her back. I know it is selfish, but it is soo hard for me right now.
mariong
16 years ago
Kjkst,

Upon reading your Post it took me back to November - when I unexpectedly lost my Mom - The pain is so great... But today I feel uplifted. Some days are worst than others - but I find comfort in believing my Mom is in a great place. I read the book Hello from Heaven and have been reading more about life after death (I am catholic but never focused on this so much). Think of what your Mom would want for you - she knows how much you love her and appreciated her. As time goes on - it seems more bearable, but always there.
Related Discussions
Will the snow ever go away?
Q
Comments (2)
I feel your weather pain too. It is dreary in Chicago. I am so looking forward to taking my plants outside. What's worse, after a whole winter of struggling and keeping the plants healthy, instead of getting more leaves, I get SPIDER MITES! So, I've been spraying with a diluted soap and water mixtures and now all the leaves are gone. Sigh! Nixon
...See More
rain rain go away! (pics)
Q
Comments (12)
Bummer, guys! I'm having the same problem - the tomato plants just don't want to grow very quickly. It's been a cool, rainy summer. Sheesh, there have only been a handful of days that broke 80 degrees. No sweltering this year. A couple of plants are doing fairly well and growing reluctantly, but most of them are just not filling out very fast. I'm at the point where I check them every day, and it's very disappointing. Actually, hovering over them might be considered a form of self-torture. Out of desperation, praying to the fickle gods of growth, I started fertilizing with a water soluble fertilizer in hopes of forcing a growth spurt. Right after I did that, it rained for a large part of the night and following day. This is how the fates get their revenge. :-) I think we're going to run out of growing season before we have a chance to get a decent harvest. But, there's an alternate plan: We must find out where our fellow forum members in warmer climes live. Then we'll plan a field trip and raid their gardens. Let's get started. You don't think they'll notice, do you? :-)
...See More
W hen will all the pain go away?
Q
Comments (9)
Hi Tracy, Thanks for posting the information about your memorial to Leonard. It is so nicely done, and I am glad you posted his picture. He was a handsome young man, and he was obviously very much loved. I am so sorry for your loss. About your deep sadness: One thing you might want to do, if you haven't already, is make an appointment with your doctor to discuss how you're feeling and how you're coping. You sound so very depressed, which isn't surprising or unreasonable at all, considering all you've been through. Also, it's spring, with summer and the terrible first anniversary of Leonard's death. Somewhere in your mind, I am sure that thought is lurking, and adding to your pain. If you're not being medically treated for depression, now might be a good time to discuss options with your doctor. Newer medications can make such a difference in the quality of life for persons plunged into depression. When they feel better, their families feel better. Remember it's a personal decision and nobody's business but yours. I don't know how many "supports" you have near you, but there's nothing wrong with seeking professional help. Please seek the company of people who care about you, and accept that it's OK to grieve. But it's also OK to ask for help. Best wishes "Nikoleta"
...See More
My Mother passed away recently. The pain is worse than I expected
Q
Comments (13)
I haven't lost either of my parents yet, but the time is coming and seems to be advancing faster and faster. My father has had several close calls with death since November of last year and my mother's health is going downhill rapidly. Both have different health issues but the one thing they have in common is that we lost my sister to cancer this February at the age of 47, and then lost my son suddenly July 18 at the age of 30. My son lived with them and helped me take care of them. I have been their cook, errand runner, doctor visit taker, medicine getter, everything for years. I do not live in the house with them but saw them twice a day everyday until my son passed. I have been trying to heal myself so I can begin taking care of them again. Since my son's death both have been in the hospital for at least a few days each. We've had high points and low points in our lives and relationships but now we are closer than we have ever been. I know it's inevitable that they are going to pass, the question is when and will I be able to handle it? Having gone through the death of my sister who suffered horribly for several months before her death and then when I felt like I was beginning to process her death, my son choked to death. That threw me into a tailspin and I am learning to get through each day, one day at a time. I have learned that everybody grieves differently and at a different pace. If I feel the need to cry, I cry. If I feel that I can't get up and go, I don't. I do try to get some exercise everyday, walking the dogs is a good excuse for me to do it. I find that when I don't excercise I feel worse. Even stretches and yoga are enough to release endorphines to make you feel better. I want my son's pictures and things around me. I wear his sunglasses and have his pillow so I can smell him. My parents have my sister's ashes in their living room and Daddy puts his glasses on the box they are in every night. I do believe that when my parents pass, I will have the tools I need to cope. I will miss them more than anything but it won't be a new experience for me, other than it will be my parents passing instead of my sister and son. I spoke with my doctor and she gave me anti-anxiety meds to try for a month to see if I can get through the day without a breakdown, they seem to help but if they stop working I will consider antidepressants to help me cope. My thoughts are with you all who have lost your parents and I know I will be in your shoes way too soon. I just know that as bad as I will miss them, they are not happy being unable to care for themselves and be independent like they were their entire lives. It has to be hard for them to turn to their children to do all the things they used to do for us, even though we try to give them all the dignity we can. I will soothe myself by knowing they were not happy or healthy in their last few years and they will no longer be in pain or struggling to breathe.
...See More
jazzie
16 years ago
No, I don't think it gets better, people think I am better, I am just learning to hide my grief and anguish better. Eveyone finds it too upsetting. I am just learning to not talk about it, too pretend, whatever...

I have just gotten Hello From Heaven and will start reading it..

But right now I don't even know if I believe in God anymore.... My faith is on real shakey ground right now...
itshouldgetbetter
Original Author
16 years ago
Thank you for all your messages.

Jazzie, how long ago was your loss? I guess I am tired of putting it aside, I have done it because I thought it was too painful at the time to deal with it and I didn't feel ready, and now ready or not with the death of my 2 best friends it just hit me in the face all over again.

One thing for me though, is that this has not shaken in any way my faith in God, although I never thought I would loose my husband so young, I do know that we are all going to die one day because death is part of life, not because God is mean or because we have done something bad. I find that by putting my trust in God, I don't feel alone going through it, that helps tremendously because I feel His love and that He cares, but I wish it would help with the pain of me missing my husband and wanting to be with him.

Sometimes I think that my pain is very selfish, it seems to me that is all about me, I miss him, I would like to laugh with him, I would like to do things with him, I would like to dream with him, I, I, I......, on the other hand I know my husband must be in a better place right now, and that makes me get upset at myself sometimes, I think that if I really loved him, I should be happy for him and get on with my life. I guess I would like to be able to look at his death without feeling the pain, that's all.
tinaholloway
16 years ago
Dear Itshouldgetbetter,

Do you have children? I have 3 (21,13,11) and my husband was just diagnosed with Mantle cell lymphoma, life expectancy is 5 years.If it comes back, and he does the chemo and everything a second time, he could live up to 12 years. That is the longest so far that has been recorded. He is 42 and I don't think it's long enough. I don't know what I will do. Like you, my husband is everything to me and my entire life. Of course I have my children, but that is a different type of relationship. I haven't worked in several years because I didn't need to, and now as I see him get weaker and weaker, I am so frightened to go back to work. I am unsure if I can make enough money to support my children and myself. Do you have any suggestions or advice for me? Thanks for listening...Tina
ms-smith
16 years ago
itshouldgetbetter,

You are so right that the pain is unbearable at times. Losing one person that you love is hard enough, but to lose 2 close friends is a tremendous tragedy that takes strength to make it through. That pain that you feel will indeed take some time to subside and dispel, even though your memories and thoughts about your loved ones will recur daily. Millions of people feel exactly as you do, that despite knowing your husband is pain-free, and in a peaceful rest that your hunger for comfort still has not been satisfied. The God of all comfort knows that as humans it is NOT natural to lose our loved ones. If it was meant to happen, why does it hurt so much? He sees what pain you are in but more importantly he has promised to do something about it, for both you and your husband. At Isaiah 26:19: he promises "Your dead ones will live. A corpse of mineÂthey will rise up. Awake and cry out joyfully, YOU residents in the dust! For your dew is as the dew of mallows, and the earth itself will let even those impotent in death drop [in birth]." Isn't it far more comforting to know that you have the chance to laugh with your husband, to do things with him, to dream with him again. But not only will you be reunited, but you will be able to be together under better circumstances. God will be sure to "wipe out every tear from their eyes and death will be no more, neither will mourning nore outcry nor pain be anymore" (Revelation 21:4) What better source of comfort is out there than this? I really do empathize with you. It pains me to hear when others suffer such a great loss. I hope this has brightened your outlook and brought you the comfort and hope you were searching for.

Will the pain aver go away?

Comments (6)

kjkst

mariong

Related Discussions

jazzie

itshouldgetbetter
Original Author

tinaholloway

ms-smith

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

Will the pain aver go away?

Comments (6)

kjkst

mariong

Related Discussions

jazzie

itshouldgetbetterOriginal Author

tinaholloway

ms-smith

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

itshouldgetbetter
Original Author