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Help me to understand

Posted by Howtohandle (My Page) on
Thu, Feb 2, 12 at 20:07

I posted on the marriage page when I was done I seen the Grieving page. So im here hoping to get some insight. I have dealt with death before loosing my mom to canser and my Dad my grandma who was like a second mom and others. I have never lost a spouse. But reading some of these storeys makes my heart hurt. I was lost for awhile but I new that they would want me to go on . And to no that one day i will see them again. So i have experanced loss. The reason i am here tonight is i married a widower. We dated a year before getting married. He said he was ready. I know that when a person dies we will miss them always. But i have never been married to a widower. Let me tell you I cry alot. Im sorry his wife passed away. But I cant bring her back. He has called me by her name a few times and I tell myself you need to understand he lost his partner in life. He has dreams about her and tells me.. where she pasted they put out lights and he always calls me to let me no if they are working bright or not and maybe we need to get some new ones. every new person we meet he has to tell them about his wife who passed. he deals with contractors and he always is telling them how he is learning to do the paper work its been 5 years. and he steal refers to her as his wife. I love my husband very much. Im not sure if its just me am i reading to much into it.counceling is out of the question . He says he is ok but I dont think so. He wont let me go because he says i only want them to tell me what i want to here. Thats not it I just want to no how to let it stop hurting me. We have sex maybe 3 times a year at first he said it was because he felt like he was cheating. then said its because of the medication he is on. I asked him why he feels he needs to keep telling people about his wifes death and he said he likes the sympathy. and in my mind im thinking but what about my feelings. he is not the type of man you can just sit down with and talk about this. He wasnt like that when we were dating. Please i need your help like i said i love him and i feel like i am becoming bitter.

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: Help me to understand

I don't know how old you are or how old your husband is but I would suggest very strong to get counseling. Your husband has apparently not given up his first wife, and dating only one year did not give either of you wisdom to accept this marriage.
Good luck,

RE: Help me to understand

Hi Howtohandle,
Please listen to Marie. I had a coworker who lived the same sinario and she had a miserable existence until she told him "it's her or me" and he chose "her", they divorced.
God Bless.

RE: Help me to understand

Ugh - would agree with the above. Counseling right away. I understand you love your husband and are supportive of your husband but you also have a right to a happy and fulfilling life. I also encourage some independence on your part, making sure that you personally are fulfilled when it comes to being an individual. Good luck!

RE: Help me to understand

The way your husband treats you it sounds like he married you so you could cook & clean & take care of him. I don't hear anything about him caring about you & your needs. Does he also compare you to her, "your cooking just isn't like hers" "You don't fold clothes like she did" "that's not the way the bed should be made" If you don't hear anything like that then counseling might help you be better able to deal with him. You say there are 'lights' where she passed. Was it a car accident & maybe in some way he feels responsible, either because he was with her & survived or because he feels he should have been with her or sent her to get something so has guilt feelings, if that is the case he needs therapy. Was his wife dead a long time before you started dating or just a few months? Do you have to turn over your ss check to him if you are retired, if so you may be married to a control person who is not going to change & could become dangerous, if that is the case You should try to talk to a woman's shelter, inquire at a hospital where you could find 1 or someone who could help you. You deserve better. I had a friend whose 5 yr old brother was killed by a car while the 3 of them were crossing the street. The 3 yr old girl & mom survived & the mom told everyone she met that she had 2 kids & then went on & on about how wonderful the dead boy was but never mentioned the little girl at her side, the girl had problems even after she was a mom of several kids. So it was a more than 40 yr problem for her. Don't let your life end up like that. Hope you find help soon!

RE: Help me to understand

How to Handle,
After reading and re-reading your post, I think since you have already asked your husband to attend counseling and he has refused, and he has told you that he keeps bringing up his dead wife because he likes the sympathy; if it were me, I'd pack my crap and be out before he realized it.
It sounds like he's using you to fill in the blanks his dead wife left, cooking, cleaning, laundry, companionship, yearly sex. You deserve better, you surely can do better, and next time you'll know who not to fall for. I'm sure when you first met him he was easy to get to know because he was so vulnerable because his wife had died. Once he had you then he could be himself...a true creep who just wanted someone to do for him while he wallows in pity for the loss of his dead wife.
I know it takes a while after losing a loved one, but if you feel ready to marry after such a loss then you should feel strongly enough about your new spouse to respect their feelings and he's not respecting you or your feelings at all.
Just my opinion. Good luck.

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