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Mom died, can't get vision out of my head

Posted by kenwah2009 (My Page) on
Wed, Feb 18, 09 at 18:44

My mom died 3 weeks, 2 days ago. She was 77. Had Relapsing/Remitting Multiple Sclerosis for 33 years.
She was admitted to a nursing home almost 2 months before she died. I was with her when she died, as I had been with my Father 4 years earlier. His passing was without suffering or complication. Mom's was not. As her lungs filled with fluid she began to get hysterical. Her eyes were wild and she kept trying to talk, nonsensical words. The nurses talked about suctioning her. I had them call Hospice in. When everyone left the room, I sat and whispered to her, "It's ok, don't be afaid" and sang to her. "'Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus". She calmed to just labored breaths, long sighs. Her eyes kept darting around. The hospice nurse had come in and suggested I get some sleep, she would sit with mom a while. She died one hour later after I had fallen asleep in the bed next to hers. Hopsice had left. The nurse awakened me when she came in to give mom her morphine, she was gone. Mom died with no one watching over her. I missed that moment.
I wept over her body, still warm. I can't get the vision of those last terrified moments out of my head. Then, today as I was driving to an appointment, I passed a crematorium. Mom had been cremated. Never before had I seen the billowing smoke coming out of the smokestack of that building. Never. Today, I did. Now I am haunted by images of my mother's beautiful body being burned. I am so sad. I miss her. I have her answering machine with her outgoing message on it. Sometimes I play it over and over just to hear her voice. I feel like I'll never get over her being gone. It all happened so fast and I was with her many hours a day after I would leave work. I've taken a leave of absence but I have to go back tomorrow. I started work right after she died, then it caught up with me. I dread going back.
I just wish, like a wounded animal hides in a corner to nurse it's wounds, that I could just disappear for a few weeks to nurse MY wounds. No one can understand what I'm going through....How do I stop the images from creeping up on me like they are? Why can't I be glad mom is free from her pain?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Mom died, can't get vision out of my head

well, I can certainly understand your feelings! My Mom had MS for 50 years and I was with her the day she died (but much more peacefully) - I left long enough to go get some lunch and she WAITED UNTIL I LEFT TO DIE!

I had told her I loved her, that she had been so brave and strong to have lived with MS for 50 years and that I didn't think I could have done it - that I knew she was tired and if it was time to go, then it was OK.

I also told her I was going to get some lunch and would be back in an hour....she died within 20 minutes of my leaving. She purposely waited until I left.....at least that is the way I feel.

That happened the end of August; due to my husband having cancer I did not really take any time off from work as I needed to keep insurance benefits up to date on him. Mom was 91 and I truthfully did not grieve her passing much as her quality of life was so terrible the last five years that I felt she would go on to a better place.

I guess she did - she has not been back in any form that I can determine so I can only assume she is happy and better now. Carolyn


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RE: Mom died, can't get vision out of my head

kenwah2009:

Sorry you lost your mom and won't say I know how you feel but I was caregiver to my mom for 3 yrs before having to get her in a nursinghome and she passed the night I visited her and was also caregiver to my brother and he passed after being in a coma for 2wks. and this was the extent of my family so you can imagine how close we were..

I too experience the images you are talking about and agree with you that they make me feel like retreating except I was already a shutin by being disabled and a caregiver for my sick mom and brother. I started praying and attending Griefshare groups weekly and have been able to keep my skin on but it's still a rocky road day to day.

I also ask the why question alot realizing I'll never get an answer to that one but the changing moods come on so fast and are impossible to predict.

I hope you keep posting when needed and try and take it easy on yourself and know that your mom is painfree with God now and will patiently await your arrival.

I had mom and brother cremated and it bothers me some too but I have them on my fireplace mantle and I know their spirit bodies are new and with the Almighty.

Take it easy
Mark


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RE: Mom died, can't get vision out of my head

Kenwah, Im so sorry for your suffering. Your mom did not die without anyone watching over her. SHE KNEW you were there. You sang to her just one hour before she passed. You calmed her. I am a mom, I would not want my child to be watching me die. I would be more comfortable with the way things happened with you. You slept quietly next to your mom, she drifted off to be with Jesus, knowing you were right by her side. You did everything you could do to make your moms passing as comfortable as you could. She is no longer in pain and in a better place. She wants you to remember her life, not her death.


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RE: Mom died, can't get vision out of my head

kenwah2009
I am so sorry for your loss, the pain of grief is the worst. I agree with everyone that you were a great comfort to your Mom and she left this earth knowing full well that she had your love to take with her. I slept in the same room with my darling husband when he passed, the nurse woke me and I felt awful that I wasn't awake holding his hand but like Linda117 said; I wouldn't have wanted him to see me die. He was cremated and I have him at home with me. It took me almost two years to get the images to stop tormenting me and I am getting better at remembering when he was well and healthy and full of llife. God Bless you and speed the day when you will feel better. Your Mom loves you.


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RE: Mom died, can't get vision out of my head

Oh, friends who understand. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. You have no idea what a comfort it is to me. I cry just knowing that someone has heard me. I miss mom so much, and I question myself everyday, "Did I do enough"?, "Why didn't I take the time to talk to her more about things"? I feel like I missed so many opportunities, I do have guilt. But then, I realize, that my mom was private about many of her feelings, and I DID ask, and I DID make myself available for her to share, she just chose not to. I know a lot of that is her generation. They learned to keep their feelings to themselves. But, there were days I would come in and she would just cry, her poor body was locking up on her. I would feed her as she couldn't anymore, and I will treasure those moments.
I have to comfort myself (and I keep asking Jesus to do the same for me) knowing that the hours I spent with her were not in vain.
Yes, I will give myself permission to take time. Thank you. I just wish my family would understand more the heartache and loss and fear I feel. They do the best they can but not like what I hear here. You all are a blessing to me. I really need this. Thank you and God's peace and grace to you all.....I need this, I'm so glad I found this link.
Kendra


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RE: Mom died, can't get vision out of my head

Kendra, it is so natural to have those feelings of guilt. The irony of it really is those that feel the most guilty did the very most they could. For some reason it is natural, and I don't know why, but perhaps it is a way to make us hurt in a raw way after losing somebody so close to us. I don't know if it makes any sense but that is my idea. My mom passed away in the early morning after the one night in a months' time I didn't visit. I was so tired. She had been in ICU six times over a years time and I visited every day, sometimes twice or three times. I went when my dad stayed home. I fed her her last meal. She was blind and sometimes the food workers would just plop a tray down. She often couldn't reach it if I wasn't there to help her eat. Anyway, my point is..she waited until I wasn't around, or anyone for that matter to pass over. I'm told it is a pretty common thing. But of course I feel terrible I didn't visit that last night. My one last chance to be with her and I stayed home. I know I loved her and she loved me. So Kendra, you are not alone with the guilt, but try not to dwell on it. God has a plan and even though we can't understand there is some reason behind everything. Take care of yourself. There are others like you out here hurting every day. Grief is part of the life process and it really sucks.

Duane


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RE: Mom died, can't get vision out of my head

Kendra,

I understand what you are going through and I sympathize. My mom just passed away in January at the young age of 50. She was an unbelievable person and an amazing, caring, nurturing mother, and I miss her every second of every day. I always knew she was special, and I did show her I loved her, but looking back on it I wish I could have done so much more.

I feel the same way you do, that you wish you had taken more time to talk about things with her. I have regrets now that I didn't spend more time with her talking about how she felt when she was ill. She was on oxygen 24/7 in the last few months of her life and her life went downhill dramatically from where she once once as an active person. It must have been so hard for her to be trapped inside her failing body, and I wish I would have spent more time talking about her feelings.

The hard thing for me is that I would have done a lot of things differntly if I would have known she was "dying". My mom was hospitalized for nearly a month, but it wasn't until the last 3 days of her stay that we were notified she might pass away. Up until that point we all thought she was coming home, the doctors thought so too. God wanted her "home" instead.

Right now the only thing that really offers me comfort is the fact that I know in my heart that my mom knew how much I loved her. I'm sure yours did too. In fact, they would probably be mad at us for thinking we didn't do enough. I think the main thing is that we just want them back so badly. I think no matter how much we would have done for our moms, we never would have felt that it was enough. We will always have regrets, and we will always have those "what if" moments. I was talking to my dad about this very subject recently, how I wish I'd told my mom more how much she meant to me and how much I need her in my life. I wish I would have spoken words to comfort her more too. That's when my dad said something that really made me think, "We did what we did because it felt right at the time." He's exactly right. None of us can predict the future and know what tomorrow will bring. What we do know now though is that life is precious and we need to savor each moment we have with our loved ones.

I learned a valuable lesson through my mom's passing. Dont ever assume because someone isn't "elderly" that they won't pass away in the near future. I valued my mom and we had a great relationship, but I always assumed that I had many years left with her. I thought I would get the chance to tell her so many things, and do so many more things with her. I NEVER dreamt in my wildest dreams that my mom wouldn't be at my wedding or see me have kids someday. I didnt know that those things we never in God's plans for her.

I've learned that we cannot change the past, nor should we want to. "We did what we did because it felt was right at the time." My mom knew I loved her, and I know she loved me more than anything. It hurts not too have her here with me, but I want to live the rest of my days to the fullest, making her proud each step of the way. She raised me to be a kind, caring, 22 year old who knows of God's love, and I know I will see my mom again someday in heaven. Right now she is having a great time up there with both of my grandpa's, patiently waiting for my arrival someday.

I urge you to look around at all the things you have to be thankful for, and focus on those. Not ever forgetting your mom or how much you miss her, just realizing that you do have many more people in your life who love you. I guess my point is I don't want to miss out on other amazing moments in life due to my sadness and anger at the world for taking my precious mom from me. Instead I want to say thanks for giving me my mom for 22 years which is most than some people have. Also, thanks for giving me a wonderful dad who is still here with me, a brother, a boyfriend, grandmas, aunts, uncles, cousins, and many supportive friends.

Lastly, I wish you all the blessings in the world. This forum is a God-send for us all. We know what you are going through, and we understand the emptiness. Please allow faith in God to offer you some peace and give you perspective. Your mom is enjoying the fruits of heaven, and in a sense, you've never really said "good-bye", nor should you. You've said "see you later." And you will. Each day we live on this earth, is one day closer to seeing our moms and other lost loved ones again.

Take care, and God bless!
Lisa


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RE: Mom died, can't get vision out of my head

Duane, Lisa,

Thank God for you. All of you have been through so much. I love the scripture that says "We comfort by the comfort wherewith we are comforted from God" 2 Cor 1:4. I know there is purpose in suffering, but oh, at what a cost. You all are able to comfort me because of what you've been through. I know someday I will do the same. No glib answers here.

My Aunt sent a gift today, my mother's only sister. She made me a pair of earrings, saying in the note (she lives several states away from me) that she wanted to express her love to me. I called her right away, and it was such a wonderful exchange we had. I told her I felt as though she is my mother now. So Lisa, you're right, we honor and love those who remain and are such a part of our lives.

It's so hard now, though, as I feel so needy. After my dad died 4 years ago, (he was 82, diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, died a week later) I thought nothing could be worse than how I felt then. He was my cheerleader in life. My mom didn't know how to be. But, she did learn how in the last year of her life. She changed. My mom and dad were 11 years apart in age. So unique each one. And now they are both gone.

I am thankful that in the last year, we were able to really bond, like never before. We truly became best friends. I, too, like you, Lisa, thought I still had several years, but the disease and God had other plans. She delcined rapidly from October '08 til Jan 26th, when she went home.

So, yes, I need to value and guard with all my heart my relationships here and now. Because we don't know when life will be snatched from us.

I am very introspective right now, questioning life, my purpose, death....hereafter. Wishing I had more insight and answers. Almost cynical at times. That's so not like me.

Oh, I'm rambling. Thank you again......and love...
Kendra


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RE: Mom died, can't get vision out of my head

My mom's funeral was today. She was an incredibly patient and loving mother...my sister and I feel like we won the lottery when God saw fit to let us be her kids. She had lung cancer and at Thanksgiving this year the doctors recommemded hospice.

She had a hard life, losing two sons in life, one when he was 4 and my other brother when he was 34. She died on Monday of this week and waited til my sis and I took a quick break from her bedside. My dad sat downat her bedside, grabbed her hand, bent over to kiss her and said "I love you". With that, she took her last breath.

I have been wracked with guilt for not being right there when it happened. Last night I was a little desparate feeling about all this but found this site. I want to thank all of you for your encouraging words as they have really helped me more than you can know.

I have


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RE: Mom died, can't get vision out of my head

cindijo27

Heartfelt sympathies to you for the loss of your mom, and please don't let the guilt eat at you for not being there that minute your mom passed. You obviously have a nice dad who did well comforting your mom when you had to leave the room for that time. It's been said that parents want to spare their kids the sorrow of seeing them pass so maybe that is what your mom did. My mother also died of lung cancer in 2004 and my brother just passed away this past October and we had all lived together and took care of one another for the past 13 yrs. and now it's just me and it's very lonely and hard to get use to and i don't think I really ever will but God Bless You and take it easy on the guilt as your mom is in Gods house now and full of joy!


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RE: Mom died, can't get vision out of my head

My Dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer the day after I lost my job. Reeling from the shock of the diagnosis, I was able to spend every spare minute with him (because I had been laid off)

He was 65 and only had 3 weeks from the day of the diagnosis. It was devestating to say the least.

Being there at the moment he passed - it didn't lessen the pain any.

All I can say is put one foot in front of the other, don't second guess yourself.
God Bless


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RE: Mom died, can't get vision out of my head

These comments have helped me. Thank you Kendra for your post.

My mom passed away Feb. 24 at home. She was 85 and I was her caretaker. She had numerous medical conditions, but I still thought she would never die. Parents don't DIE!! Like so many, I was not with her when it happened. I can not get the image of her lying there out of my head. It haunts me and I feel like I force myself to replay it over and over.

I miss her so much. She had dementia, so was not herself for a long time. I was under the false impression that it would be somehow easier. It wasn't.

God bless all that have suffered a loss.


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RE: Mom died, can't get vision out of my head

I watched my daddy die on May 3, 1965 at 54 years old and my mom die on April 16, 2004 at 89 years old. Those days are indelibly etched in my minds eye. Daddy died in a hospital from leukemia and mother just dropped her fork and slipped away as we were eating dinner. I was so glad to be with both of them, but especially mother. If she had died while I was away I would have always thought I could have saved her somehow. As it happened I know that was not possible because I tried. Also it was a very easy death for a woman who had always dreaded the prospect. I get melancholia every Spring and especially since mother left. I turned Seventy years old this year and have realized a few things I didn't know when my parents were living. I don't think my kids should come and talk to me about my increasingly looming future death, so I am not going to kick myself any more for not talking to my parents about theirs. My kids don't sit glued to my side saying "I love you" every minute, and that's okay for goodness sakes. How weird would that be? So I have stopped kicking myself for not doing that to my parents. My parents knew I loved them, I know they loved me. My kids know I love them, I know they love me. Enough said. Stop worrying about those things between you and your parents. Don't wait until you too are old before you resolve it in your minds. You, like I, did all you could have and should have within the human realm.
I will start liking Spring again as soon as April is over.


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RE: Mom died, can't get vision out of my head

Cindijo and all,
Wanting to be with mom when she died. Well, I had asked my mom at one time, just weeks before she passed, if she wanted me there. I asked if she wanted to die alone. She said, alone.... There were other people there when I asked so I thought she didn't mean it. I asked her again, she said, "alone".
The morning she died, I was in the nursing home in the bed next to her. She didn't know I was there, but I felt compelled to be. When she started having a hard time breathing, the nurses wanted to suction her. I said no and to call hospice in. I think that's one reason I was there.
When they left the room to call, my mom was anxious. I leaned over her and when she saw me her eyes got so wide. I whispered, "Don't be afraid, it's ok" several times, then sat down and sang to her. Her breathing became less labored and she calmed down.
The hospice R.N. got there at around 2 a.m. and told me to lay down, she'd sit with mom for a while. Mom's legs were not mottled, nor were her extremities getting cold, so I thought, ok...I fell asleep. During that time the hopsice nurse left. ONE HOUR later, 3 a.m. the nurse on call who had come in to give her her morphine said "Kendra"! I woke immediately and she said, "you're mom is gone". I leapt up and yes, she had passed somewhere between when hospice left and I slept, before her next does of morphine. Alone.
She was still warm, everywhere! I fell over her and wept.
Now, how is that? How IS that? I still marvel that she went when NO ONE was in the room. She got what she wanted.
It was too hard for me to process at first. Just like you see in the movies...it happened to me.

It was 2 months ago this past Thur., March 26, 2009.

While I thought I was doing so well, I didn't imagine the impact I would feel Thusday, 2 months since she died, and since. I'm so sad! I thought I was doing so well....

It's starting to be spring here, and mom loved to feed the birds. Dad, who died January 23rd, 4 years and 3 days earlier than my mom (how wierd, same month 3 days apart)loved to garden. Thursday night (the 26th) I spread my mom's ashed under my bird feeders and in my garden, where I spread my dad's ashes.

I also have felt angry again....that's so wierd. I know it's normal, but....lately. I was at first, along with numb, but now the anger and despair are back.

Anyway, all that to say this, please don't let guilt about not being there at the time of your mom's death take over. I know it's easy to say, harder to do, but taking my own experience with my mom, and we were close, somehow, they almost choose, along with God, just when they take their last breath. And thank you so much, Mary Helen, for your insight. That really helped me as far as wondering why my mother wouldn't want ME, of all people, or ANYONE, to be with her when she breathed her last.
I know I was meant to be there at least for the last couple of hours, to prevent the nurses from suctioning her, and singing and praying to calm her, but that was all. I've come to terms with that.
I know, a long post....it's cathartic for me to write and share, and I'm so blessed to have this link. I haven't checked it in a long time, I am glad I did this morning. It's like warm sunshine to a cold day. (cause sometimes I feel so cold and unfeeling and down....) I MISS MY MOM AND DAD!! (I'm only 49)

Thank you all....keep writing, it's good therapy. It's so nice to have this as I don't have any friends who really get it. Isn't that sad?


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RE: Mom died, can't get vision out of my head

I apologize if this is a double post. Something happened when I tried to post this. My mom died a year ago, today. I was eating with my in laws when she passed away. It bothers me still that I was not there. I had taken care of her the day before but she did not seem to want me there. She wanted my Dad. I got there about 30 minutes after she died. She died of breast cancer. Her primary diagnosis was stage IV breast cancer. She lived with it for three years.

I keep thinking about the suffering she went through. The final week she was completely yellow because of the spread to her liver. A few weeks before she died I had a nightmare that we had a car wreck on the way home from the cancer center and she died in it. Well, three weeks before she died I got rear ended on the way taking her home from the cancer center. She went in hospice two weeks later and died after a week in hospice care.

The day I got rear ended mom had wanted to eat at a restaurant on the way home but I told her I needed to get home and did not take her. It was time for the kids to get home from school. I regret this so bad and I think about the suffering she went through. I'm not over her death. I feel depressed still.

My father is remarrying this Saturday to a woman he has only known three months. He packed up all of my mom's things and brought them to me. This makes me feel even more depressed. Today is the anniversary of mom's death.

I can't know exactly what you're going through but I feel like we may be feeling some of the same things. People around me don't get what I'm going through. I have also wondered why mom did not want me there to take care of her in the final week. Mom was 58 when she died. I'm in my 30's.

Take care and God bless you. I hope things get better for you.


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RE: Mom died, can't get vision out of my head

My condolences to everyone on this post that has lost a loved one. My Mom passed away almost 3 years ago from lung cancer. She had quit smoking 38 years before, she was 78 when she passed. From the time of diagnosis until her passing was only 3 weeks. I felt blindsided.

I can truly identify with the images that you can't get our of your head. To this day I am haunted by the last day of my mother's life. She was in a nursing facility and my daughter got there so I could leave for work. We were planning on bringing her home to hospice care the next day and I needed some sheets for the bed. It was around 3:00 p.m. when my daughter called to say "Nana" was sleeping and did I think it was okay if she left to get the sheets. I told her fine since I would be getting there after work. Well, I received a call from my sister who had arrived back there before I did. She was crying that our mother was non-resonsive. Non-responsive....??? I didn't even know what that meant. I was greeted by the PA when I arrived and she let me know my mom wouldn't make it but a few more hours at most. She said my mother was resting comfortably.

NOTHING and I mean NOTHING prepared me for what I saw when I got to my mother's bedside. Her breathing was short and rapid and her eyes were fixed with the most panicked and startled look. She couldn't look or speak to me at all. I raised her bed up and held her hand. I looked into her eyes and saw a tear from the corner. I asked the nurse if there was anything we could do and God bless the doctor she allowed morphine every 15 minutes. After 2 doses her eyes just glazed over. In the early morning hours she closed her eyes and just started taking short breaths. I left the room long enough to make a phone call and when I returned she was gone.

It has taken me along time to get over my guilt, well I'm not really over my guilt but I have accepted that I did what I could. I went through a very depressed time after my mom passed and I finally went to a grief counselor. I wasn't counting on much but it really did help me gain some perspective and acceptance. I still miss my mom every day but life has a way of moving you forward whether you want to go along or not. Its still a painful memory but I really don't dwell on it too much anymore. My memories now are more about mom when she was well and happy.

When I read the posts on this thread it really warms my heart. I can feel so much love that all of you have for your moms. I know I will be with my mom again....I hope she is the one waiting for me on the otherside.

Take care everyone,

Anree


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RE: Mom died, can't get vision out of my head

I cried reading everyone's responses. There is nothing like loosing your mother. I lost my mother on Feb 20th of this year and it was sudden but not unexpected as we knew were living on borrowed time, she suffered from COPD and congestive heart failure. We should have lost her in 2004 but she stayed with us till she had no reserve left, that is what the doc's call it when your lungs no longer have the capacity to store more oxygen.
There is one thing I have learned that I would like to pass on and that is not to play the "what if" game with yourself.
We can do that all day if we want but the end result is guilt because we create a scenario as we "Think" things may have turned out or may have been and no one knows or has a crystal ball to look back in time and say "yep had I done this or that things would have been better"
Our mother's as stated in an earlier post really do not want their children to see them die. They are always thinking of us and I am sure they are thinking "I need to spare them this pain" and I have to say this. I was lucky enough to be with my mom when she took her last breath but that is an image I will never get out of my head. My mother's body once full of life, all of a sudden she was gone, it was the hardest thing I ever had to go through, to watch someone die in front of you is not something I ever want to see again, and yet, I am grateful I was able to be with her when she did pass. it sounds twisted I know, but it was just so truly sad to see her there one minute and then gone the next.
Even though I spent 12 hours a day with her for 7 days before she died, I find myself thinking "I should have said or done more" but truly what else could I have said, or done.
I sat next to her and held her hand, washed her face, stroked her head and face, massaged her arms and held her hand, kissed her face, made her laugh, shared moments with her, comforted her and gave her ice chips to suck on. I even bought her her favorite flower, a red rose. She smelled it, I brushed it against her cheek, she loved it. And all I did, I would catch myself and say, "if only I did more or said more" but I did not need to, and I remind myself of that all the time because that "What if" thought always pops into my head.
Mother's know how much we love them, they see it in our eyes and we see how much they love us in their eyes.
The sweetest thing my mother gave me was the look. She and I while I was drawing pictures of she and I when I was a little girl holding her hand, she looked at me and for 6 seconds we just stared at each other and I saw the most amazing amount of love she had for me, and we did not say a word but we smiled and cried and she said "I love you" and I know I will never experience anyone looking at me the way she did.
Playing the "what if" game will just make you go nuts, I am sure our mother's knew how much we loved them, they could feel us even when we were not with them, and I am positive they did not want us to see them die, God controls everything for his own purpose and reasoning.
And no matter what we may have felt we did wrong, or did not do enough of before our mother's passed, I for sure can say this, as they are in the presence of the Lord, all earthly things are passed and they are not thinking about what we did or did not do and they are for sure not judging us. There is one big party in heaven, a celebration for each child who comes home to be with the Lord, as the Lord knows our hearts, I am sure our mother's knew our hearts and knew we loved them. We are only human, not perfect, and we did the best we could and our mother's loved and love us no matter what.
If you think they died alone I can honestly say that I truly believe when someone dies they are never alone, an angle is there to take them to heaven and my mom kept looking around the room before she passed as she said she heard strange sounds and wanted to know where they were coming from and she was so peaceful. I believe she heard the trumpet sounds being made for her entry into heaven. The bible says when we die, those who know the Lord are in his presence and all worries and pain and sadness are no longer. I hope this provides some comfort, just don't beat yourselves up about what you could have done or said. Our mother's know how much we loved them and all we wanted to say and do. God bless


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RE: Mom died, can't get vision out of my head

Wow, it seems like I always come back to these posts at the right time. Tomorrow is Easter. We're having a big group here. I'm wondering how I'm going to get through it.

Mom will be gone a little over 10 weeks. I miss her laugh. She won't be here in body, I know, but hopefully in spirit. I miss my dad at these times, too, because he always engaged people on their level, talked to them, not at them. There has been no one like him since, who talk about things of importance, not just trivia. At dinner, he liked to make small speeches.

My mom just liked to laugh. They were so different, yet, good for each other. Married 53 years. Not always easy, but they made it.

I miss how my dad seemed to make life count. Trying to use any opportunity he could to talk about what it's really about. I want to do that, be like him, but it's hard. Now I know what he went through. I think that's why he and I were so close.

So, now, family gatherings are different. Trivial, fun, but I miss his philosophical edge. I miss HIM. ( I also find myself wishing my husband were more like him, is that weird? I just keep waiting for him to some time during a family gathering, get sentimental and say a small speech like my dad did....ah, vey.....)

I know I still haven't come to grips with my mom's passing. I feel like I still have her tucked away in her bed in the nursing home. I'm a little concerned about that. When will I really face this? I'm not trying NOT to face it. IT's just so strange. I keep myself busy, distracted. If I have too much quiet time I'm back in the moment of her death. Too much....I am not sure how this will play out. It's almost like a "Que sera, sera" feeling, whatever will be will be. I just hope it doesn't happen in the grocery store, or tomorrow during our Easter dinner.

"Woman gets hysterical during the macaroni salad passing, goes berserk and hurls macaroni all over guests"!

My mom made THE BEST homemade macaroni salad! My daughters have taken the torch and now make it. Ok, nice memory. We are having macaroni salad tomorrow.

So, there's a little levity for you all. I guess I am thankful for that. Maybe I'll share that little story around the dinner table tomorrow.

So, here's to Easter and our loves ones, present and past. I hope you all will have a blessed day, and that the love of Jesus will shine on your hearts and fill you to overflowing with HIS love and grace and mercy, to heal the brokenhearted and bind up our wounds......Love and hugs....and here's to you, Mom and Dad, I miss you soooo much!!!!


 o
Today is mom's birthday

Today is mom's 78th birthday. Last year this time she was so full of life. I can't believe even still that she's gone. January 26th she entered in to eternity.

Still a painful dream, but I'll get through it. June 7th would have been my parent's 59th anniversary. He's been gone 4 years.

Well, one day at a time. I had a hairdresser tell me this week that I am the hierarchy now. Wow, haven't thought of it that way. But I guess I am. The buck stops here, legacy-wise. Alive that is.

Where I always had mom to talk to about stuff, I am learning to lean on others.....


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