My sister

16 years ago

My sister died on April 17, 2005. I found her on the 18th. She hadn't been sick or anything. We were very close. She was like a mother to me. She was my sister, my friend, and "mother". We had also lost my other sister's husband in July, 2004, our mohter in September, 2004. Then after my sister, my daughter's sister-in-law lost her 28 day old baby, then in May, 2005 my children's father lost his mother. That was all over whelming but it is my sister I can't seem to get over. I can't get my mind around it. The autopsy revealed it was due to fatty liver. She was an acolohic. She hadn't been drinking at the time of her death but she had already done all the damage to her liver. I just want her back. I usually do okay. I have finally been off anti-depressants for about 3 weeks now. I don't want to go back on them. The co-pay is just too expensive for the one that works for me. I didn't go to work today. I have been crying so much since yesterday off and on. I have been trying to hide it from my boyfriend because he doesn't seem to understand why I can't just go on. I don't know what to tell him. I just wish I knew WHY she had to go. If she had been ill and in the hospital or something...it would have been easier but there was no warning at all. She was just gone. My mother was 91 and in a nursing home, my brother-in-law had cancer, the baby had heart problems from the moment he was born and my ex-husband's mother was elderly as well although not sick but we were not close but I felt sorrow because my daughters were sad. Everyone else in the family seems to have just gone on fine from my sister's death and seem to be impatient with me for my sadness and upset. I just don't know what to do or where to turn. Then I found this site by accident(?) and decided to try it. Thank you all for being here. (You don't know how many typos I have had to correct typing this and there are probably some I missed)

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Comments (3)

loagiehoagie
16 years ago
Thank you for posting on my letter to mama thread. That was very nice of you and I greatly appreciate your comments and concern. I am truly sorry your sister had to go that soon. Even two years after my mom passed, it's the first thing I think about, and get depressed about every day. I don't know you, but if you were doing better on your anti-depressants and now are sinking, emotionally speaking, it would be better for you to spend the money, get back on them. What would be more damaging financially? Losing your job or paying a co-pay and keeping yourself employed and even-keeled.

I know how easy it is to sink into the depths of depression, and in some ways it is easier. And I think when we are not miserable it somehow betrays our loved ones memory. Or that is how we think. That is not true, and I know your sister wouldn't want you to be in such emotional turmoil.

We are here for you. Everyone here has had a world of grief and some very wise people to talk with.

Bless you.

Duane
ciberdawg
Original Author
16 years ago
Yes, you are probably right. Ah, the wise voice of someone not directly in my shoes. I was so hoping to be able to be okay without them. I think the SuperBowl set it off. Sheila loved football and the SuperBowl. I was okay last year and thought I would be this year but obviously not.
I did well with her birthday in January, and am hoping to not be too bad with the anniversary of her death. Only time will tell.
You are right. When we laugh and have a happy moment we do seem to think we are betraying them. I can't remember if I said this on your mama thread but I used to wonder how in the world the sun even DARED to come up when my sister was gone! But I am sure like you said she would not want me this way. And in a way, I am happy for her because she is now with her baby she lost so many years ago. He died when he was 2 days old and that was in 1966. He would have lived if he had been born with the technology of today and I know she was so bitter about it. She did not like children and I believe that was why. She, in a lot of ways, was very unhappy while she was here. So I have to try to remember not to begrudge her being with her baby.
So hard to remember sometimes. Well I suppose I had get off here and feed the two dogs and two cats their supper. They are paceing and circleing like sharks! The cats keep walking back and forth in front of my monitor so it does make it difficult to see! Take care and keep in touch. With this forum...we can all get through it together!!
April aka Ciberdawg
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loagiehoagie
16 years ago
April, I understand exactly what you mean about the sun daring to shine! I get so annoyed at the celebrity media and all the bull####, when I'm hurting to the core ...and all they talk about is Britney..arhhggg!

The animals do keep us to a routine and I think that helps. I have a dog and 2 cats, and one of the cats "Ozzie" is always trying to walk across the monitor LOL.

Please check in and keep us posted. My mom was blind, and I try to think of her being happy now, being able to see and being with her mom, dad and brothers....but I'm selfish and want her here. I can't help it. It's like living a nightmare every day...except it's real.

Okay, I'm going off on my tangent.

Sorry.

Duane