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My son's death.....

Posted by bob6831 (My Page) on
Thu, Feb 15, 07 at 12:53

Hi.
Just lost my son last weekend. Buried him yesterday.
Was feeling in daze today, and since spend lot of time on the computer, and this was my main communication link (via ims) with my son............ thought I would seek some help with my grief here..... did not expect it in Gardening forum though!
Bob


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: My son's death.....

Hi Bob,

I am so sorry about the loss of your son. Feeling like you are in a daze is a natural reaction to the grief you are feeling right now. Please know that everyone on the site that has come here for comfort knows your pain. I haven't posted but have been coming here to read the posts for several months now. I lost my very precious mother last June and I remember well how dazed and confused I was in the early weeks of my grief.

Please hang in there and take good care of yourself. There are some wonderful sites on the internet with information about grief and loss. If you are interested let me know and I'll give you some of the names.

When you feel like it you might want to tell us about your son. As you can tell by the other posts there are others here who can probably respond to your grief much better than I can. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

Take care,

Barbara


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RE: My son's death.....

Hi.
My son was 34, with a wife and daughter 7 left behind. He wanted to be the perfect father for her, especially since he did not think I did the best job....... had went through a divorce........ he never really got over some of the problems resulting from that and we were discussing (usually ims) issues related to that and how I raised him (lived with us for 10 years after divorce, then abruptly moved out to live with his mother when he was 18), almost to the day he died. He also had some problems with his brother, and his brother was estranged from his mother........ so was not the Brady bunch at the funeral.
Will add more/clarify later on.
Bob


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RE: My son's death.....

Oh, Bob - you came to the right place when you came here. We will all pray for you and your family. Please feel free to talk to all of us via this forum or email any one of us - we are here for each other.


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RE: My son's death.....

Hi Bob,
I am sorry for the loss of your son. It is the hardest thing to have to go through.

Sound like you are bothered by the unresolved issues that was bothering your son and his brother too.
A normal protective fathering instinct.
One way to get through all these things you still wanted to help your son with and talk to him is just to simply continue to write him notes and discuss it. As if he were still here and believe that he will know what you are feeling and wanting him to know. You might start out by saying how everyone was at the funeral and go on from there in what you had already been discussing. Whatever suits you best. This can be very powerful and healing.
(It helped me immensely when my own father died when I was 15.) The thing is, the work is all for you now. He is healed where he is at. He now wants to help you through it all, the ones left behind. The ones left in the journey here on earth. Taking their own paths to where they will lead.

Mostly when you are at peace with it all he wants you to all go on with your lives. You have a bit of a road ahead of you before you can get to that point I realise. Many different emotions to play out before you reach that pinnacle.

Have you had others who are this close to you pass on before?

Usually when we loose those we love it is also a growth period for us personally. I always hope that it can be for the family units involved also, although that is just a hope.

May you be embraced in the light of love that is surrounding you with your current wife and family.

Lucy


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RE: My son's death.....

Thx for the kind words Lucy.
Yes, have had losses before. Father when I was about 15.
Brother when I was about 21. Mother about 10 years ago.
Bob


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RE: My son's death.....

You know Bob, the things that stick out in my mind is I have to give you so much credit for how well you were doing and how hard you were trying with him.

We kids never usually see our parents clearly and it is always easier when they too become parents of teens and so on later in their lives. Somewhere down the line he would have come full circle, or not, the choice would have been his. He probably just needed to have that one thing mentioned that would just 'click' right with him.

We do though as kids need to come to realise that parents are not infalible as all humans are not. We are just people living, learning and trying to do our best. It sounds like you have done a fine job of trying to pull it all together over the years and were a caring and patient person and father to your kids.
They learn that by you being supportive and caring towards them, whether you are present in the household or not, that you do care about them. You know all of this but it bears repeating. It's not the quantity of time that you spend with them but the quality. The minutes do count but not so much as the moments. Just staying involved in their life and what they are doing and what matters to them, should matter to them when they get old enough to know what really counts and they have sorted out 'Life 101' better. Bottom line is everyone just wants to feel loved for who they are and where they are at in life. Love, acceptance, unconditional love.

Could you son possibly still have been on that journey of asking himself, who am I, what am I, where am I going and where does this all fit in with my life so far.

It takes a great maturity to arrive at looking at your parents clearly enough to see that they faced the same set of circumstances that we all did. We can all make mistakes, miscalculations. We can all forgive, forget and move on too. We have to deal with what life is handing us and try to make the best of it with what we have to work with or go out and make it a better one. We create what our life will be.

A wise man once told me that if we are forgiven,
how can we not forgive also.
Give yourself time to forgive yourself and let the pain go from the distance that was created by your son. It may take you some time, but give yourself the permission to fprgive all and move beyond that. Your son just wasn't up to that level of understanding yet. Given time and patience most likely he would have gotten there.

All the best my friend,
Lucy


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RE: My son's death.....

Bob,
So sorry about your tremendous loss. My sister required lots of my support when she lost her only daughter to cancer four years ago. I hope I never have to go through losing one of my kids.

Please know that your son now realizes how much you loved him. He is at peace now and loves you back just as much.


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RE: My son's death.....

Hello Bob, I am so very sorry about the loss of your son. We lost our boy at the age of 36 3 years ago. We, too, had some unresolved issues with him, but I felt that we were making real progress at the time he died. There is so much I wish I could have told him, so much I wanted him to understand. I was just glad the communications were opened again with him before he died. It sounds as though you and your boy were communicating, too. My heart aches for you, for although you've had other losses, nothing compares to losing your child. Looking back to the first several months after Dave died, we were so confused, directionless, just trying to put one foot in front of the other. Please let us hear from you. So many of us have had such a terrible loss.


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RE: My son's death.....

Thank you all for the kind words.
Went to work yesterday........ but could not get his death out of my mind.
Things were not easy for me or my other son (who is estranged from his mother) at the funeral. He went to comfort her, and she pushed him away!!!! I grieve for him.
Through the pain at the funeral of my side of the family being shunned, I keep reminding myself that this is not what Michael would have wanted.
Again, thx for the words of comfort.
Bob


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RE: My son's death.....

Bob,
If your son's wife is willing, please do keep in touch with her and your grandchild. It will mean so much to her and will help you with your unresolved issues. I'm sure your son would have wanted it that way. Remember that they have lost a husband/father whom they saw everyday and are suffering greatly at the loss. I am particularly concerned for the child, as she has approached an age that understands the finality of death and will be harshly affected. When my husband was killed in an accident, it was my 8 year old niece and nephew who had bad reactions and required therapy.
Try to forgive yourself your human shortcomings and come to terms with the relationship. And always remember that a death is not something you "get over", it's something you learn to live with. I wish you peace.


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RE: My son's death.....

Am feeling more down right now because had argument with wife..... she wanted me to get some work done this afternoon that has been accumulating long before my son died...
And before get wrong idea.. she is a good wife. She is grieving too, she just lost her step-son too, and she was more of a mother to him (as far as being what my definition of a responsible parent is) than his own (best friend) mother! And she went through a loss 20 years ago when her husband died leaving her with 2 young children (about 12+13). She has been there for me along with my too strong (at least on outside) other son, so this loss, I am sure, brings up some old hurt in her. I guess I just don't feel like committing to working today, at least not old unfinished work.
Yes, smiley.......... want to be there for my grand-child, as I believe that my son would have wanted. I want to be the perfect grand-father for her......... but at this time, expect that my ex-wife will be a problem with making this happen. Also don't know how much my daughter-in-law will let me into her life since she and Michael was so much influenced by his mother.
Bob


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RE: My son's death.....

Am feeling more down right now because had argument with wife..... she wanted me to get some work done this afternoon that has been accumulating long before my son died...
And before get wrong idea.. she is a good wife. She is grieving too, she just lost her step-son too, and she was more of a mother to him (as far as being what my definition of a responsible parent is) than his own (best friend) mother! And she went through a loss 20 years ago when her husband died leaving her with 2 young children (about 12+13). She has been there for me along with my too strong (at least on outside) other son, so this loss, I am sure, brings up some old hurt in her. I guess I just don't feel like committing to working today, at least not old unfinished work.
Yes, smiley.......... want to be there for my grand-child, as I believe that my son would have wanted. I want to be the perfect grand-father for her......... but at this time, expect that my ex-wife will be a problem with making this happen. Also don't know how much my daughter-in-law will let me into her life since she and Michael was so much influenced by his mother.
Bob


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RE: My son's death.....

Bob I am so sorry for your loss! I know exactly how you feel... I lost my son 2 1/2 months ago, he was 20 years old. It feels like a part of our world has died. I have a broken heart, just as you do. They say as time passes the pain gets easier to bare. You need to make sure you cry and don't hold back. I can finally start sharing stories about my son without crying, but I have my moments. Cherish the good times you had with him and talk to a grieving counselor. The counselor gave me some good tips on how to grieve. Write your son a letter telling him what you feel and how much you miss him. It helps out a little bit. Take care my friend and I will pray for you! Ascencion


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RE: My son's death.....

Thank you Ascencion, prayers are definitely welcome, and hugs.
Please also pray for my other son. He had to face rejection by his mother and rejection of his wife at the funeral.
I grieve for your loss as well.
Bob


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RE: My son's death.....

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your son and also the other emotional issues concerning your family that you are dealing with. I know the feeling of losing a child since we lost our 19 year old daughter almost 9 years ago.
It is a pain that I have to say, will never go away. You learn to live with it and the pain eases for the most part, but sometimes the scab breaks and the pain is as fresh as in the beginning.
One thing that I did after my daughter died was to write down every single thing that I could remember about her even down to what she would have ordered at Taco Bell, what the last movie was that she watched, our last conversations, etc. etc. You may think you will remember these things, but you don't.
We had a website made for her which I will give you the link for and we had two scholarships setup in her name as well as many other minor memorials. These things help us at least feel like our child's name will be remembered, and can contribute to the good of others.
Right now, as hard as it is not to focus on the family problems, try to focus on the good things. There are probably a lot more good than you are giving yourself credit for. We all do the best we can at the time as far as our parenting skills go. Your son loved you as you love him and you will get a chance to talk to him again some day. When that day comes, nothing else will matter.
Bless you.
Lu

Here is a link that might be useful: Christin Cosby Memorial Website


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