When does it STOP??

16 years ago

My Mother died one day after Thanksgiving.. I now HATE the holidays with a passion beyond repair..

Every time I think of my Mother, it RIPS me apart. Music is so hard, I just wind up turning off the radio to have my thoughts torture me..... And the dreams.. When do they STOP.. The dreams of my Mother's death.. The startling awake because I have nightmares that my Mother is dead, just to remember that the nightmare is REAL..

I want to scream and rage against the world. Instead I sob and sob and cry...

My house is a mess, and I don't cook anymore.. I find no joy in anything. I feel like an puppet pretending to the world that I am okay.. Being what I think people expect me to be.. The person before my Mothers death.. Not what I am now.. The person after my Mother's death. They are two different people...

Comments (9)

mariong
16 years ago
Please keep in mind what your Mother would want for you. My Mother died unexpectedly this past November - Some days are worse than others. Yesterday I tortured myself because all I could think about was all the times I took her for granted - Or how much more I should have done for her. But we know our Mothers would not want us to do this to ourselves and they know how much we love them. I believe my Mom is heaven and hears what I am saying to her now. I read the book, "Hello from Heaven" - it did make me feel much better. And validated some things that have happened - that I now realize our "signs" and visits from my Mom. I know she is in a great place.
I think our job now is to be the best person we can until it is our time to be reunited in heaven.
loagiehoagie
16 years ago
Jazzie, thanks for your reply on my letter to mom thread. That was very nice of you. I know exactly how you feel, or I think I do. Especially the part of nothing bringing joy anymore. I read the paper and they go on and on about the Super Bowl. Who cares? My mom is dead. My MIL summed it up pretty well last year. The world doesn't stop for one persons personal tragedy. I guess that is true. And I have screamed at the heavens and sobbed and cursed God for making this world so full of love, but the flip side is the pain when our loved ones are taken from us.

Marion is also correct in that some days are better than others. I also read Hello from Heaven, and it helped a bit. Two others that were quite a comfort to me was "Lessons from the Light' by George Anderson. He explains that when we die we go 'home'. The place where we came from and it is a wonderful place full of light and joy. Another great book is called "Forever Ours" and it chronicles near death experiences and different signs. Short stories. Several are very touching.

I don't prescribe to any particular religion. I consider myself a Christian but don't believe you go to hell if you don't believe in a certain doctrine.

There is more to this life than we know. Hang in there Jazz. There are a lot of people feeling like you do, and it helps to talk things out.

Take care,

Duane
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hwings, I'm so sorry for your loss. My daddy died 3 years ago. Everything you describe sounds so familiar. I felt the same way. Daddy was a large part of my life and I felt so lost. The first year was so hard. I cried often, sometimes for days at a time - off and on. I remember not wanting to participate in any holidays. It just wasn't the same. I didn't want to be around people much at all. And I asked myself the very same question that you did. I had also lost grandparents who were very close to me but it wasn't anything like the loss I felt when daddy died. You asked when will this stop? I really can't answer that, I can just share my experience. After 3 years I still cry. Not every day, not every week. But it strikes like a sniper when a thought or a song reminds me of him or I am involved in something he would be there with me on. Father's day was really hard this year. I was depressed for 3 weeks. I have heard some say time heals. Well for me time lenghthens the time between the times I feel sad but when the sadness comes, it feels the same as it did back then. For me...It isn't a matter of getting over grieving, it is a matter of getting through each episode of sadness. And it isn't all sadness. I think of daddy in good ways too and smile lots. Just his morning I was up at mom's washing my hands and saw the bottle of Old Spice on the bathroom shelf. Mom took it down several months ago but put it back after I complained. I picked up the bottle, took off the lid and took a big whiff. It smelled just like daddy. At one point that would have made me fall to pieces but today I could do it just fine. Grief is such a personal thing. And it helps knowing others feel some of the things you do. This forum helped me so very much during that first year. I didn't post much, but read what others were going through. I also eventually went through some counseling to help get me out of the depression. I guess the bottom line for me is that nobody loved me like my daddy did and I miss him every single day. But I also celebrate what his life was too. He was a great guy who was loved by so many. By your post it is so very clear how much you loved your dad and it is so great that you got to say goodbye. That helps. Hang in there sweetie.....We're in the boat with you.
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It seems as if it never stops. We just keep going. It doesn't get better, but it does get different after a while. What do you do for renewal, JUJU? Do you have hobbies, or family close by, or church? You have had so many losses in a short period of time. You've spoken before of anger. I hope you're laying that burden down. Watch for notices of bereavement groups in your areas if you've not joined a group. Talking with others in person who've had recent losses is helpful sometimes, and the groups usually have counselors. Even if you've not had a family member in Hospice, your local Hospice grief group will be open to anyone who's had a loss, call them for information. I'm sorry for your recent losses. Keep talking to us, too. We all have that common bond here. Nell
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Comments (12)
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bonnie_2006
16 years ago
volunteer this year around the holidays
mrskjun
16 years ago
jazzie, may I suggest that you join a grief therapy group. There are stages of grief, and we all go through them in our own way and time. It really helps to talk to others that understand how you feel, and won't try to tell you to "buck up" and move on, like this is some blip in your life. I always tell people it stops when it's not the first thing you think of in the morning, or the last thing you think of at night. I am so sorry for your loss.
kayjones
16 years ago
Oh, my friend - there are several of us, on this wonderful forum, who can relate to your feelings! 'When does it stop' is on the lips of all of us. I think it might get easier, but I don't think it ever 'stops'. We just have to ease our pain by leaning on our family and friends.
mariend
16 years ago
Find a grief support group ASAP. You are allowing grief to take over your life. Are you alone? No husband or children? Yes she is gone, but sit down each day/hour or--and write down ONE thing good you remember. Start forcing yourself to think good thoughts, not all the time but at least once a day. In turn you are destroying relationships with others and you will find yourself all by yourself. Yes others do forget much sooner that you, and it will take at least a year to feel better. Each holiday, especially Mother's Day will be worst, but only if YOU allow it. Turn to Nature, watch how spring comes each year. Remember the positive and soon the negatives will be gone, and yes they will come back but not as bad. If you are by yourself, look for ways to help others, read to a group at the library, help at a soup kitchen, learn a new hobby, and if you have been a caretaker, maybe a volunteer at your local hospital. Do something one thing at a time will heal you and help you be more postive. Write a letter to her, how much you miss her, and what you did today and how she would like it. Sit outside and quietly talk as if she was there, but only for a short period of time. I wish you the best.
growlove
16 years ago
Can anyone tell me where to find the book Hello From Heaven. I lost my beloved husband and feel like jazzie but trying to get through believing he is completely at peace and wouldn't want me to feel this way. Mary
zazz
16 years ago
Mary, you can get a new or used copy of "Hello From Heaven" on Amazon.com
socks
16 years ago
Jazzie, I'm so sorry for all the anguish you are experiencing on the loss of your dear mother. You miss her terribly. I miss mine too; she has been gone 5 years now.

Your mother would not want you to be falling apart and not taking care of yourself.

This is just a wild question: By any chance are you taking melatonin to help you sleep? I know it has been connected with extra dreaming and nightmares, so I thought I'd mention it.

Take care.

When does it STOP??

Comments (9)

mariong

loagiehoagie

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