Jennifer, Your gramdmother loves you very much. She wants you to be happy. She is in a better place. Do not try to jump out of a car. You need help!! Try going to see a greving counslor. We all are going threw some hard times. Everytime you think of that. Say a prayer. God will help us!! Lot of hugs, faith and hope. God bless you, Mija.

Jennifer, I'm a grandmother, and I expect to die before my granddaughter. I can tell you that the relationship you had and still have  with your grandmother is the one all grandmothers want. You were clearly a huge blessing in her life, as my granddaughter is in mine.

I believe that after we die our spirits survive. Please continue to write to your grandmother. Tell her how you feel. This will be good for you...and I have the strong feeling your grandmother will still read your letters. I'm sure of it.

Susan

Jennifer, I'm so sorry you lost your grandmother. You had a very special relationship with her, and even though we know it is the natural course of things that our grandmothers pass away before we do, it is still a crushing loss.

You are experiencing such emotional agony that a grief counselor could help. If you go to school, check there for help, maybe the health office. If you don't want to do that, see if you can do something to honor her, like put together a photo album of her, plant something in her honor, visit her grave with flowers. Also talking with other family members or friends to share your emotional pain helps. Cry all you want.

Grieving is a long, slow process, and it cannot be rushed. Allow yourself time to feel bad, but keep busy with things to occupy your mind at other times. As for jumping out of the car, your grandmother would definitely not want you to do that, and you want to do things to honor her memory.

Take care, Sweetie. You can continue to post here to let us know how you are doing.

Jen, I'm very sorry for your loss, I know it's not easy for you. I lost my dad to cancer almost a year ago, it's been very rough on myself and my 21 year old son who had a very close bond with my dad.

My dad died a few weeks before my birthday. It was actually his next date to be alive for. I can still here him saying how sorry he was that he wouldn't be here on 3/02. I'm sure that your grandma felt the same way. She obviously cherished you, since she saved every letter. You should find some comfort in that. The bond that you shared with her was probably one that no one else in your family had.

Do you have a myspace page? Maybe it would help if you and my son talked. Maybe you can both help each other?

Hello everyone.

I cannot tell you how much i apperciate everything you people had said. However, i am still healing from all of this. Things are still rocky, and having to remember everything that went on that day during her death. I could still hear the doctors telling the family that she isnt going to make it. Saying our goodbyes it was hard for me to let go. Crying my heart out and laying on my grandmother for the last time, i didnt want to say goodbye. Knowing that she wouldnt come with us that day it was hard to leave her there, looking back i could see my grandmothers body just laying in the bed so helpless. Having to hold my grandfathers hand on the way out still hurts. With tears and disbelif in his eyes he takes one last look at her.

Things that happen that day still plays over in my head. Knowing that my grandma died of her worst fear kills me. Thinking that maybe she was scared and thinking of all of us in the back of her mind. Maybe she wanted to tell us something and for her to have her life takin away like that? She was such a good person! Always with a smile on her face, and never said anything bad about anyone. Faith meant so much to her, and that i know deep down inside she is in heaven. While coming back from the church, taking my grandma to the cemetary and putting her in the car, there was a light 3 second drizzle and the sun came out. Maybe that was a sign that she was alright? I wanna believe so bad that she's okay.

I had a dream about a month after she passed away. I was laying in bed and i was crying and asking God, please give me a sign that she is okay. I just want some kind of proof that she is fine. I fell asleep and i saw my grandma laying next to me! I got off the bed and went to where she was and it was her. She looked so beautiful! She was sleeping and somehow she woke up and looked at me, sat on the bed facing me and said, "Is this enough proof mija?" Tears flowed from my eyes and i hugged her so tight. Im not sure if she was crying aswell. But there were so many things i wanted to tell her that i didnt get to that day.

Well, i guess that is it for now. Thank you all so much for your support.

I do have a myspace and my url is http://www.myspace.com/xxnighttimecloudsxx

Jennifer,

All I can say here is "WOW".
You and your grandmother are both incredible.
Also know that you are going to be okay. Truly okay.
Grandma will see to that and that is a promise.
She never told you a wrong and never let you down, she knows how you are hurting honey and she can guide those angels that are around her to send those who are right for you to help you. You will find them in time. This pain is all from a feeling of such devotion that you have to each other and the loving part of that will never leave you. The pain is all that separates you and your grandmother knows in time that will lessen and you will heal from it. She could not guarantee a lifetime with you here on earth but she was here as long as she could be for you. Long enough to know that you will make it on your own, she has taught you well, in loving you so well and caring so deeply for her.
There is no answer in separating yourself from this life right now, that would not be giving yourself a chance at life. Your life here has just begun as a young adult and there is so many more very rich expierences to be cherished and lived through that your grandmother would wish for you and would not miss seeing you go through them for the world. She will never truly leave you, her love will always touch you although you cannot feel her hand, her loving touch is there on you child, she would never take that away from you. How could she? That is not her way.

Know that your Grandmother loves you very much still and that love does not change. You will see in time.

Promise me this, that if you are having those thoughts of doing anything to yourself that you will contact me or someone such as a parent, counselor or a friend. Will you make that promise?

I care about what happens to you too much to let this go.
All the best,
Lucy

Thank you so much. That means so much to me! I will make that promise to you that i will contact someone if i do feel like doing something. I'm getting better as time goes on, so im sure i'll be okay. Thank you very much for reading this. :) God bless.

Hi Jennifer,

I am really glad to see you back here again! I accept your promise that you made and will be following up on you to make sure about that. Just like Grandma would and wishes for you.

I have no doubt about your Grandma appearing to you when you were sleeping. Then her appearance on the bed, was that still when you were sleeping? It appears so. I have had similar experiences happen while awake or asleep and it is so enriching and an enduring memory that you will be able to keep of her. In your dreams tell her or think the things that you would like her to know, she will know your thoughts and then you will have told her. It will all happen over time and you will get your messages to her.

Also you might do so by journaling to her by writing her letters when you want to. She will be there reading them with you. Then you can cry and feel better afterwards. Part of what you need to be doing is getting it out of you, reaching out of yourself, not holding it all in. It can be too big of a burden for some of us to do. Talking with people helps but also with your grandma too. She is still with you in spirit, there in your heart. You seem very mature for your age and will do fine and have such great potential.

You were given an extraordinary gift by your grandma, I am sure that she is thankful that you saw her in your dreams and she could be there to comfort you, since it will bring you comfort too, in the years to come.
That would be your answered prayer/the sign that you wanted that she is alright and was alright through everything that happened. She has accepted it all and has come back to you to make sure that you know that all is better than fine with her as you can see. That is so good to see her that way and maybe lessen some of the pain that you are going through.

I wish it were possible for us to talk so that it would be easier for me to help you with some of what you are asking.
"Things that happen that day still plays over in my head. Knowing that my grandma died of her worst fear kills me. Thinking that maybe she was scared and thinking of all of us in the back of her mind. Maybe she wanted to tell us something and for her to have her life taken away like that?"
This is what I would would be curious to know,
in order to help you. Possibly I could help you some more if I knew:
What happened that day, (is this the day she died or when something happened?
What were your grandma's biggest fear?
These maybe things that you are not up to talking about yet or sharing, but please know I am there to listen when you are ready for that. But I do think that I would be able to help you through them if I knew and the time was right for you.

Some things to think about. Sometimes when our worst fears play out, are not always how we expected them to be. As in if you are meaning that your grandma was afraid of dying, but knew that she was while in the hospital, but was not conscious anymore, I believe that it was if she was asleep and dreaming right along.
Or another thing to remember, is we have a protective mechanism in ourselves when we are very fearful and that is, life then sometimes goes by on a type of surreal atmosphere that we seemed to be in. Like this is not really happening to me personally, I am watching it go by. It is like that a lot while we get married. The day just goes that way. Then you have to ask someone the next day, am I really married? I don't feel different. hmmmm.....wow, wild thing where you thought it would be different because you envisioned it so before.
To me when we die it is the same way, it is as if we are walking along and we walk through a curtain, our body is left behind but "we", our essence just keeps on walking as if we are no different than before, just weightless, so we just feel light. We find out that our body was not really us, that was just a vehicle that we used to get around while on the earth. "Us" still exists in a different dimension or place...Heaven. To me being in Hawaii is like that, it is the closet to Heaven in our lifetimes that we can get, so serene, sweet and spiritual there. It is mesmerizing and the earth there draws you to it. A garden of Eden. It brings a peace over my soul, that is hard to describe.

I did look for nightime clouds on myspace giving your url that you listed and it did not come up, nor under a search for that name. Thought that you would like to know that.

I would suggest that you may like watching the movie "What dreams may come". It has Robin Williams in it and it is very well done.

think about talking some time, if that is alright with you. I am very gentle, low key and would enjoy talking with you. I am more than happy to call you at your convenience and talk to you. I worry that you have no one to talk to.
I go to Oak Hills Church and my minister Max Lucado has known me for years and would use that as a reference for you to check me out before talking to me. Also another person there to ask would be Pat Hile.
http://www.oakhillschurchsa.org/
Listen to his message for you today--
http://maxlucado.net/media/2007/02.21.07.mp3

All the best,
Lucy

Thank you very much for all your kind words. So, i did see What Dreams May Come and i gotta say that that movie is so amazing!!

Well, to answer your questions it is a very very long story. I guess long story short she couldn't breathe and the EMS took long to get to the house and told my aunts that her vidal signs were okay even though she was choking on her own blood, they stopped at every stop sign and red light. Dont you think that if someone is choking on there own blood (and dont know where it's coming from) that you would rush them to the hospital???? When she got there NO ONE was watching her, there was no nurse or doctor in sight and she couldn't breathe so, they had to run to get help and finally she was rolling her eyes back and i believe that was the last of her. Her heart had stopped twice i believe and they had to revive her. She looked so different. Umm, there is a lot that i dont want to say cause it just brings everything back. She was scared of choking to death. Thats how she died.

Alright, so i guess this became my little diary. So lastnight it just really hit me how death is. One minute your here laughing, and then the next day...your crying over someone you love because they didnt make it. I really wanted to have a dream about my grandma lastnight, i just miss her face. I kept thinking to myself, please let me have a dream of her, please. As i woke up, there was nothing. It's not like my grandma at all not to be there when i need her. She is ALWAYS there when i need her, why wasn't she there lastnight?? 5 months pass and i still cannot believe she is gone. I hear "In The Still Of The Night", that used to be our song. We used to slow dance with eachother. God i miss that so much. She loved 50 songs and now when i hear them it is just so heartbreaking. When i first heard "In The Still Of The Night" when she passed away, i didnt know what to do. I was really stuck and paused in a moment. When i snapped all these tears came out. She used to hold me so tight, and i remember thinking to myself..remember this moment, cause there might not be another one like this. And the truth is i never forgot it. She was the only person i danced with when this song was playing, and she is going to be the last. I never want to share something like that with someone else. God, she was my everything. I always told her when i get older that i was going to take her to vegas and win all the money in the world so i could take care of her, then we could go to england and look at all the castles. She used to LOVE Elvis. I remember her last month we told her that we were going to take her to Graceland. She was so excited! How could this happen to me? How could this pain happen to anyone? I just dont understand. I never want to feel this pain again, but our family is really close to eachother and i know im gonna feel this hurt again. I had to take 20 mins to cry just right now. This pain is so unreal. If God takes people away so they can't suffer anymore, then why doesn't he just make them better? Is that being selfish? I do not understand the meaning of death. I dont know, i cant do this right now. I'll post tomorrow and let you all know how im doing.

Jennifer, I lost my Grandma a year ago. I was fortunate to have her in my life for 54 years, for that I am grateful.

She was my mentor as well as my friend and taught me to sew and cook and I later became a Home Ec teacher because of her encouragement. I think of her often, however I do know that she is in a Heaven and we will spend eternity together.
That is quite comforting to me.

The book "I'll Love You Forever" by Jody Guler would be a good book for you to read. It is only about 60 pages but is a true story. I also liked "90 Minutes in Heaven" by Don Piper.

Thanks for reading.

I have read "90 Minutes In Heaven", it turned out to be a really good book. But i will look for "I'll Love You Forever". Thank you very much, and im sorry for your loss aswell.

::sighs:: Today is my grandma's birthday. She would've been 65 years old today. God, i miss her dearly. I used to call her and sing to her happy birthday, but now i gotta stare at a picture to say it. UGH, i hate this.

Happy Birthday to your Grandma, she would want you celebrate with her. You don't have to stare at a picture to talk to her, just talk to her like you would when she was there because she is with you, no one here will say you are crazy because we all talk to our loved ones to keep them with us.
Don't sigh, smile, she loves you.

Hey Mav, thank you very much for ur reply.

So, i kept something from all of you. I didn't tell anyone that we were talking to a lawyer about sueing the hospital and EMS. For 5 months this went one. They needed my grandmothers medical records and it turned out that it was 3,ooo-4,000 pages long. They couldn't find anything. It was heartbreaking to hear that yesterday. It was like my grandmother died all over again. Sitting in a room where the lawyer was telling us that there isnt anything they could find or do, was the same words the doctors had told us when she was dying. I just feel like God doesnt want to help us. I know he loves us, but why can't he help? No one will understand what happened that day. What my family and i saw that day. I feel like i totally failed. One more lawyer we are going to talk to, and if he says that they can't find anything, then we are just gonna leave it alone.

I'm sorry grandma. I tried. I told mom that if anything ever happens to her that im gonna fight for her the way we are fighting for you. You should've never died that way Mamo. I relive that day over and over. Why couldn't God take you another way? I love you and i miss you so much Mamo. Please keep a look out on the family.

Dear Jennifer,

I read your letter regarding losing your grandmother. I am so sorry for your loss and your families loss as well. It must have been so very hard for you to lose her, I understand how much you must miss her in your life. Our daughters were 10 and 7 when their grandfather passed away and it hurt them so very much to see him suffer and to die also. What I can tell you is this; Your grandmother is still with you more than you know. She is part of you, and always will be, you carry her bloodline and have so much of her in you. That is probably why you and your grandmother were so close, you were so much alike. She would not want you to be so sad..she would want you to carry on and see things for her that she will not be here to witness. How sad it would be if you would not be here to be married and carry on the family tree..that is all part of her. You have so much to look forward to, you must go on and find your purpose and you will be happy again.
You will miss her always, but the pain will get easier as time goes on.
We have to trust that God knows what is best for us and he felt that it was time that your grandmother was called home to be with him. She had completeld her tasks on earth and had done all that God had asked her to do.
Be proud to be a part of her and live your life to its fullest in your grandmother's name.
I promise you, you will see your grandmother again someday. She will be waiting for you and when your time comes, she will be so proud of the life that you have led. You are meant to be here, you have a purpose..God and your grandmother will guide you.
It will be lonely without her, but she will be watching over you and you will feel her with you. You will get stronger. I will pray for you.
Take care and please e-mail me anytime. thequeen@new.rr.com
Jody Guler

Why is it that EVERYTHING starts happening when ur loved one dies? I've had a BAD year in 2006 and since then it's like NOTHING has gotten better at all. Is it always this when u are grieving for someone? There are happy moments but everything keeps hitting the family in the face and nothing is getting better. Why was it so easier when my grandma was alive? I think it was because she would make the situation better and we always counted on her, and now she isnt here and we have no idea what to do...God why is this happening?!

So, my life is different now. I've been depressed more then usual. My boyfriend and i are no longer together, and we've been together for about 2 years. He was there when my grandmother died, and he has been my bestfriend. Now that we are no longer together i feel like i have no one anymore. Ever since my grandma died everything around me just falls apart now. There are times that i just wanna give up cause im so sick of dealing with life. My grandmother tried to keep herself alive for us (family) because she had something to live for, and that was us. But my grandmother was the one person who i knew the best, and she knew me the best. Now she is gone and i have nothing to live for now. Who in the hell do i have? Things around me are just blurry, and i cant do anything about how im feeling! When i try to get back up again and make my life right, something just pushes me all the way down again and it's so hard to climb back up. I dont know if im making any sense. It's gonna be 7 months on the 25th since my grandma died.

My aunt told me that my grandma had told her that when she dies, that IM going to be the one who sufferes. I tryed to deny the fact that my grandmother had said anything like that, but my aunt kept telling me that she did. How did my grandma know that i was going to suffer so much? And it's true...i just wish i knew moreless how to get rid of all of this. Anyway, thanks for reading. Take care, bye bye.

Sweetheart, my heart aches for you pain, I wish I could say some magic words to help you. I don't think I read anywhere that you are going for counseling or threapy? It really helps, I know because I do both. No two people grieve alike so there is no set pattern for getting better. I was told by my Aunt who lost my uncle probably 25 years ago that it doesn't get better but it gets different and "different" doesn't hurt as much.
Take care of youself because your Grandma wants you to.

No, im not going for counseling. I just feel like no one knew what we went through with my grandma. I mean to actually see her dead...I mean the whole situation that went on that day, how i can i get it out of my head? I know things will get better..well atleast i hope so, but for right now i want everything to be okay. Ever since she died there isnt and hasnt been any ups, there has always been downs. I mean, what is next to happen? I can't bear to lose someone else. My mom and i were discussing funeral arrangments to when she passes. It's not gonna be for a long while (i hope) but it is just to get me ready so i know what to do later. But i know when that time comes things are just going to be like it was when my grandma died. I seriously can't take this! Why do i always have to put on a fake smile all the time? I always have to be strong and pretend that it isnt bothering me, but i know deep down inside my family can see it or feel it. My grandfather is suffering and still grieving, all he can do is stare at her pictures and sit outside just thinking. I don't blame him sometimes cus he knew my grandmother longer then his mom. He was a good husband to my grandmother, he always took care of her. I really don't want him to die either, he is like a father to me, well him and my 2 other uncles are. My mom and dad got divorced when i was 9 years old, and i was really really close to my dad so when he left my just got close to the guys in my family, whenever i needed a fatherly view on something they were always there. I'm thankful so much for my family. God has blessed me with a family i can count on, especially my grandmother. I was just not ready for her to go yet. I still need her more then anything and i am only 20 years old. I really wished she could be there for my wedding (when i do ever get married), i wanted her to see my babies. Well, i better stop right here, i cant go on right now. Anyway, take care everyone. God bless you all.

So, i really need to talk to my grandma lastnite. I asked God if he could send her down to me in my dreams so i can atleast talk to her again. He never did. When I have a dream of her i can never really talk to her. All i can do is just hug her over and over. But why isn't it that i cant tell her how i feel? I want to know if the things im doing are right in my life. She was always the one to tell me what i should do. I just need her now more then anything. I miss her so much that when i wake up, i see her smile and i just want to burst out in tears, but nothing ever comes out. Alright, well take care everyone. Thanks for reading.

Kala, I believe you can talk to her. Write her a letter. A long, beautiful, detailed letter and tell her everything you are feeling. Tell her how much you miss her, tell her what you had for dinner and who you talked to. Tell her everything. Start out any way that works for you. But at some point buy some nice paper that you think she would like and print out everything you write. Keep those letter to your grandmother and every once in a while take them out and read them. You'll know that she's there listening and smiling and hugging you right back. She's there for you. Share all your thoughts and concerns and even your funny stories with her. As hard as it may be to face, the loss of a grandparent is natural. But that doesn't mean she still cant be part of your life. I bet you know what she would say to you and the kind of advice she would offer you. Give her your stories and listen with your heart to her answers.

Jennifer, I feel so much for what you're going through. Reading your story stirs up memories of my mother's death. It was so hard for me and particulary devastating for my now 13 year old son. She was his LIFE. If anyone was there for him it was "Grandma". Just know she's still with you and loves you very much. She'll always be in your heart and you need to remember the happy times you shared with her. I know you're grief is still very fresh and it's hard to imagine it getting better, but it will. Hang in there sweetie!

I just want to thank everyone for there kind words. I never had a lot of people give me advice and it was always my grandma doing it. Yesterday we had a bbq like we do on the weekends and didnt end up leaving till about 7pm. My sister and I decided on our way home to drive to my grandfathers house to make sure the house was okay. When we pulled up into the drive away we got off the car and just started to look around. Everything was just so quiet. My grandma's flowers were still in place and my grandfather never changed anything of hers. He still kept everything the same and in a way it just seems like she was there. I went to her window and just remembered how i would knock on her window to let her know that i was there. And in the back of my mind i could just here her say what she always did when she opened the door. "hi my sweet baby". I just closed my eyes and i let the tears flow. My sister was over by the flowers and she was just staring down, and she just started to cry. I started to hug her and she just started to laugh. We walked around the concrete and noticed when she put her name there. My sister was remembering when everyone in the family did this, and of course i wasn't even born yet so my name wasnt there. But for some reason, everyone elses name was gone or it has some sort of crack on it, but that one spot where my grandmothers name was just never faded away. I miss hearing from her, i miss her making me laugh, and i miss her telling me that she loves me. I cant believe that no matter who u are, or what kind of person u are...ur still gonna lose someone you love no matter what. I just didnt think that it would happen so soon. I wish i could go back to that day with what i know now and just save her. I really cant believe she is gone..

Hello everyone. Wow it sure has been a while since i last posted. Anyway, so September 25 is coming around and that would be a year that my grandma has been gone. Yesterday was my grandma and grandpa's wedding anniversary. I called to see how he was doing and he was just trying to keep himself busy. I feel so bad for him. So, i was trying to write some stuff for my grandmother, and i was trying to remember all the nicknames she would call me. Sweetie pie, my sweet angel, imp, sweet baby and then...i froze. I couldn't think of anything else. I started to cry because i can't remember..i can't believe it's all going away. Everyonce and awhile i smell a scent of her but it goes away so fast. Okay, i can't talk right now, i'll write later. Thanks for reading. Take care, God bless!

Hello everyone!

Well, i just want to give an update about things that are going on in my life right now. So far things are better. We're getting a new house to live in and i found the most wonderful guy ever. He is the sweetest person ever! He knows how to make me laugh when im down and listens to me about all my problems. When i was talking to him about my grandma and everything she went though, i couldn't help but cry when i was talking. All he did was hug me and wipe my tears away. I never felt like this before, i surely believe that my grandma sent him my way. I am very greatful. She always knew what kind of guy i needed in my life, and now here he is. My baby cousin is growing up. He was going to be 2 years old when my grandma passed away. She wanted to spend so much time with him as much as she can, i guess you can say she knew her time was coming. Now he see's pictures of her and calls her grandma. I just wish he really knew what she was like. She was so wonderful. It was really windy outside and i was sitting down by the window just feeling the air outside and just thinking. There are times that i can't wait to pass away, cus i know im going to be there with my grandma...but other times i dont want to leave the rest of my family. We all took care of eachother when she passed away. We were eachothers arm-rest. It's been a year and a month since she's been gone. A year and a month since i last heard her say she loved me. I'm always going to remember the good times with her, cus thats all there ever was. Nothing but good times. She knew how to makes things right, make things good again for everyone. Ah, im just on and on again. I'm sure you guys are tired of reading so im going to stop here. Thanks for reading! Take care.

Okay, so it's been a while since i actually wrote to everyone, and i guess you can say that im doing alright. Since 2006 my life has actually been alright. I'm starting to accept everything as the day passes and i know my family is also doing well. I do not write to my grandmother as much, but i do think about her every day. So, my grandfather had talked to the city about everything that happened that day on Sept 24th 2006. They decided that they needed to do some investigating on the EMS and the Emergancy Room.

Yesterday i felt really depressed and lonely even though i have people with me. My boyfriend was with me when i started crying and it was like i couldn't control myself like i usually can, but i think it was because i haven't cried in so long. It felt really good that i can let it all out, and having someone to hold me felt amazing. Talking to my boyfriend about everything really doesn't help as much, because he didn't know the person she was, only my family know exactly how she was.

I am very greatful that i got to spend the time that i did with her, and also at the same time i hate myself for missing the times that i needed to spend with her. But like my boyfriend had told me, i cannot blame myself for anything, because i didn't know what was going to happen.

I still have the moments where back in the hopital it just plays over and over in my head...and that is something that is never going to go away unless i have some kind of memory loss. You know, there are times i wish things would happen like that to me..only because i feel that it wouldn't hurt me as much. I miss her so freaking much that i wish i could just walk up to heaven and bring her back down again. I don't know, maybe im just being selfish. But, also at the same time, i really don't care. I want her here with me. I just miss the way everything USED to be, how everyone would always be laughing and smiling. Now it's just different. My family is depressed. My family can't talk to anyone anymore about their problems and what to do in certain situations, things have certainly changed.

But! We are doing better, it's going to be 2 years since i haven't seen or hear from her, i dont know..it's like im lost for words and i get so thoughtless. Anyway, thanks for reading :D

Take care everyone.
- Jennifer