How to live after the death of a spouse
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11 years ago
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luvstocraft
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Convincing a spouse to live in the country
Comments (37)Oh dear.... This is my life all over again. I married my hubby 37 years ago. I had always lived in a small town and he in the country. At the time we married he and his brother lived in a mobile home park. I moved in and we purchased it from my brother-in-law.. We had our first child and was due to have our second one. To make a long story short we purchased 10 acrea and moved to the country.. For many years I "HATED" it.... Honestly, I didn't think I was ever going to like it.. Finally after one more disagreement about living in the counry my hubby came in with his tools and said we were finishing what we had started and was selling the place.. We were moving to town... After some heavy thinking on my part I decided I would stay put in the country. My husband would have been lost in town.. Grant you I had lived in the country for 10 years... I finally decided I would work hard at getting in the same place my hubby was.. At that point we had 3 kids and they loved the country.. It was time for me to shape up.. I had to think of others , too. I still hated jumping in the car to go get milk, bread or whatever.. He did agree he would not move me any futher out.. He kept his word.. We are still in the same house.. Now, I can say I would hate moving into town.. I would go if something were to happen to my hubby. I sure could't keep the place up by myself.. We are at a place now in our lives that things are great.. My hubby is having a new huge barn built and I am getting a new kitchen. We have 3 grandbabies that come to visit the country. You see they all live in town or the city.. They all love to visit the country... I can say that the country is not for everyone.. I didn't think I would ever get here.. And many country folks would never live in the city.. My wonderful father-in-law used to tease me for wanting to live in the city.. Just try to be happy wherever you are... Enjoy, Susie...See MoreSudden Witnessed Death of Spouse
Comments (14)Becky, I've had a tough year too. I get it, but it's time to -- in the words of my late father -- get an attitude adjustment. I hated it when he said that. ;-) I hope you will understand what I am saying and know it not said with judgment, any harsh thoughts or desire to cause you pain. Sometimes there are things e probably already know, but it helps to hear someone else say them. That's where I'm coming from -- with a desire to help you over a hurdle. I see so much to be grateful for and to celebrate in your posts. Isn't it wonderful that you found that happiness and know that life has so much more to offer you than you had before? Eighteen months is not years or decades, but it is hundreds of days -- hundreds of sunrises, hundreds of sunsets and everything in between. And what about the fact that you were married? You may be a widow now, but had you not been married, you would not be next of kin and would have had no legal relationship or rights. He could have just as easily have passed before you were married and you would have had no say on his final affairs. You did say goodbye -- you tried to save him and pull him back, then you laid him to rest when you couldn't. That's more than many people get, Trust me, even when death is years in coming, you don't get to plan the moment or the way you say goodbye. You make the most of what you get and you give what you can for as long as you can. What do you want your late husband's legacy to be? What would he want the gift of his time with you to be? Sorrow? Being oppressed by his memory as you were a previous spouse? Or joy for everyday you had together and the things you know are possible? First tings first -- stop kicking yourself. You are not God. You didn't give him the heart condition and you couldn't save him. You said some things you regret -- doesn't everyone? And don't you think the one who loved you knew that better than anyone? If he didn't then, he does now -- more than you. Most of all, I want to suggest you try to spend some time each day counting your blessings. Maybe first thing over coffee, maybe in the shower or as you get ready for sleep -- it may be the first spring bloom you saw, a favorite tune you heard, a kind word said, a checkout line that moved quickly, that you didn't get any bills in the mail -- or at east anything unexpected, hat a friend shared a happiness with you or you were able to do something for someone else. Find a few new things each day and reflect back on one happiness from days gone by, Say thank you fr each one and don't take them for granted. The events in your life may not change (maybe they will), but how you feel about them will. I bought a greeting card when I was in college and planned to send it to my parents when the time was right. Instead, I enjoyed reading it and still have it. It had a Sandra Boyton hippo on the front and he was saying he was on a new diet. He used to eat when he was unhappy, so now he only ate when he was happy. You open the card and he comments, "I haven't lost a pound, but the change in my mood is remarkable." Loved that card and it still makes me smile. Then try to reach out to others who are lonely or in need of help. There are so many elderly who need companionship, meals or assistance with simple tasks, people who need tutoring. blind people who would appreciate reading books for them or taping them, children and adults in hospitals who are bored or scared, animals in shelters who would love to be touched and loved, walked, etc. You might even decide to adopt a pet and give them a new lease on life and let them give you purrs or wags. Helping someone else up always lifts you too. You can't replace your late husband, but you can lose out on a lot of life and happiness wishing he was there. Instead, take what he taught you and what he shared with you and go apply it in a life he would be happy to be watching you live. Give him that gift - now and should you meet again. I've shed a lot of tears too They are unavoidable, and they can be cleansing. Cry when you have to, but don't let them take over. You were given a wonderful gift. Live thankfully....See MoreHave you had an After-death communication? (ADC)
Comments (40)This is an old post, but found it and wanted to share two things that happened to me. Sorry, this is long. I had a friend and neighbor for 30 years, but I had moved 20 miles away. We kept in touch, but I hadn't heard from him for awhile, or contacted him, so called one day, and his phone had been disconnected. He was in his 60's at the time and not the best health. I thought he had died, and no one had told me. So I went to see about him. I knocked on his door and he came to the door, and he looked terrible. Always was a slim build, but he looked like he had lost more weight, and he had a long beard...whereas he had used to always be clean shaven. To make a long story short, he was very depressed. I had been just about his only contact, being very much a loner. He hadn't picked up his mail or paid any bills...so phone was cut off. He wasn't even aware of it. He had no edible food in his house....a couple of moldy burritos in his fridge, and wine bottles stacked like cordwood in all the cabinets. I picked up his mail, got him to write checks to pay his bills, bought groceries for him....and wine and cigarettes, since that was what he mainly existed on, and by going to to the liquor store for him, it kept him from driving. I straightened up his house and did his laundry. I promised I would look after him until he died. He had been diagnosed with emphysema years prior, and his family doctor had chastised him for smoking. He had said he would quit...even bought some nicotine patches, but never used them. He didn't quit smoking and he never went back to the doctor. How long could he possibly last? A few weeks? A couple of months? He lived 8 years!! Every day I went to see him, and brought food for him...which he seldom ate, I didn't try to make him do anything, but every day I asked him if he wanted to go to the doctor or did he want me to contact his family. He always said no. I think he lived so long because I am very healthy, and I haven't been sick in years, and he never left his house the last four years of his life. I took care of everything for him...his yard, house, even getting someone to come in and cut his hair. Once in a blue moon, he would shave. I was there every day, sometimes twice a day, and a couple of times, 4 times. I slept on his floor a couple of times when I thought death was near. Remember...it was a 40 mile round trip to where I lived. I furnished him with books and magazines and movies to watch. Got him interested in talk radio to give him a little diversion. In other words, I did everything I could to make him happy. He was a very intelligent man and a voracious reader. We had many long talks over the years. We both knew he didn't have long to live. I asked him if he would contact me if he could, after he passed. He didn't believe in an afterlife and told me so. Still, every so often, I would ask him again. I think to shut me up, he finally agreed. Still, I would sometimes remind him. I was with him when he died. He went quickly when his time came. I went in the kitche to get him a Gatorade, which he had said he wanted, and came back...two short breaths and he was gone. After he died, I dreamed about him several times. In one dream he was taIking to me on the phone, and he asked me why I didn't come see him any more. I hated to tell him that he had died, and the niece he didn't like was living in his house. But, I did tell him, and he said, so incredulous...like he had never considered it. "Are you sure about that?" It was exactly like something he would say if we were having a conversation before he passed. For several weeks, I didn't dream about him any more, and then I had a dream and he told me he had something to tell me....but before I found out what it was, I woke up. I tried to go back to sleep, hoping to finish the dream, but I couldn't. I finally got up and when I walked around the foot of the bed, there was the letter K (his name was Ken). It was made out of dozens of little drops of water. I was home alone. My husband was away at work for two weeks. No water in the room. No pets. Completely alone. I can't even say I was shocked. I knew it was Ken. I knew he would contact me if he could. I started to not even take a picture of it. He was a very private person, and he wouldn't have liked that I took a picture and showed it to anyone, but I did, and sadly I lost it when I lost my phone. So you will have to take my word for it, and of course, you don't know me, but it is the truth. So here is the second one: My husband had a terminal illness. He had asbestosis and pulmonary fibrosis. We lived on a bayou, and flooded badly during Hurricane Harvey. Lost just about everything...8' of water in the yard and 4' in the house. He could no longer work, and since I have horses, he wanted me to have a place that made taking care of them easier. So we moved 175 miles away, to east Texas. He passed away about 18 months later. I asked him to contact me if he could. Unlike Ken, I didn't have to talk him into it. He said he would. (However, I did remind him a few times}. About two weeks after he died, my niece sent me a gift...it was a clip with his name on it, the year he was born, the year he died, and the words...."Your wings were ready, but my heart was not." I knew it was a clip of some kind but not what it was for. A couple of days later, someone told me it was a visor clip for your vehicle. Oh. So I was going to go out and put it in my truck. But I couldn't find it. It had been laying on the kitchen counter. I looked everywhere for it. Under the furniture....never found it. I felt terrible. I had moved away, and would probably not see my niece again, but if I did...I wouldn't have it. I felt terrible. I even considered ordering one just like it, in case I did see her again. Six weeks passed. Covid restrictions let up here....I was glad to be able to be out and about again. I went to the thrift shop that had just re-opened. I had indigestion. I knew I had a bottle of Tums in my truck. It has bucket seats, and I thought the bottle had fallen between the console and the seat. I got down and looked under the seat on the driver's side. Not there. I went around to the passenger side, looked under that seat...there they were. Took two and went in the shop. Came out about an hour later, opened the door on the driver's side, and there was the clip. First thing I saw when I opened the door. It wasn't there when I went in...I would have seen it, especially since I got down and looked under the seat. You may think I had taken it to the truck and forgotten about it, but if I had done that I would have put it on the visor, and I didn't even know what it was for until someone told me, and then I couldn't find it. So those are my signs. I had asked my husband for something specific. I live in the country. There are milions of butterflies and cardinals here. I wanted something to be sure. It has given me a lot of comfort. I still miss him terribly and sometimes the grief catches me by surprise and is so painful again, but this tells me, he is okay, and he is near....See MoreHow did you compromise with your spouse?
Comments (29)well every couple is different I can tell you I was very surprized when a husband made an offer on our place, and his wife had seen only listing pictures. Maybe he wanted to surprise her, he knew she loved the pictures. I was like "wow! one partner makes a decision wow!" then the offer, we counter offered it, only then he brought his wife to make sure they want to go up in price. or with my ex, I was the one looking at properties, then I chose in my mind the one, then though I brought my ex to hear what he thinks..he spent 5-10 min in the place tops, said "yes"..then we put an offer. when we were installing a kitchen in our starter apartment(that kinda came with no real kitchen)-the only thing my then-husband was interested in, was giving me a budget line. He was completely uninvolved in the rest, since he wasn't interested that much and trusted my choices. Furniture, whatever we picked during years, we did pick together..art, we picked together..kitchen, was all on me. my now-husband is extremely involved in everything, so it works very differently if I'm already on that subject-we share many similar tastes and concerns, so it's not that hard to compromise. But then I learned to read him too. He won't be right away "yes" person. He can be right away a "no" person. Then I just don't continue and drop it. When he's very interested he needs more time though. I don't push him. That's how he is. Sometimes one doesn't have time..that's how we missed a perfect place for MIL, and he was very upset as we all were, and told me "you didn't push me hard enough". Well..I didn't want to push hard somebody who hates to be pushed..:)...See Moremav63_2007
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