Hi, first of all let me say I am really sorry about your mom. My mom died at age 68 also. But I was 46 at the time of her passing...not 29...not that it makes it hurt any less or more really.

As far as thinking back to childhood....I don't know if it is a part of the grieving process or not...but I have been noticing I have been doing that more and more recently and my mama passed over Jan.30 2006. I too long for those days....back when my mom was cooking and after coming in from playing there would be hot tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches waiting. Nobody loved me as much as my mom and I think that is the part that hurts so much. The person who loved me the most, and whom I loved so much back is gone from this earth....and I will never see her again....not in this life anyway.

My mama was blind for the last 15 years of her life, and that makes me so damn sad too. Not being able to see any of her grandkids and missing out on so much of life losing her sight makes me sick with sorrow and so angry at God for letting that happen. On the other hand she is a hero in my eyes because she perserved and kept up a pretty happy front most of the time. She had her moments and was depressed, but who the hell wouldn't be? If I would happen to go blind I swear I would kill myself. Just close your eyes really tight and imagine that is your life ALL OF THE TIME.

Everyday that passes makes me realize it is one day closer to being with my mom again. I love my wife and my dad, and the rest of my family...sisters...etc. But my mama was the closest person I had on this planet and it hurts like hell every single day I cannot pick up the phone and talk to her.

Sorry if I made this all about myself. I just hope that someday all of this pain is explained and we understand why we have to suffer like this. It just sucks, is all I can say.

Duane

My condolences also... My Mom just passed away unexpectedly in November - age 71 - I am 48 - There are good days and bad days. Over the holidays I found myself trying to remember everything from growing up until now. Maybe it is the holidays - This is my first expeirence losing someone so close to me - so I don't know what is normal. It is painful as I remember the times I wish I had done more for her as well as the good times. You sound overwealmed having to deal with the grief and taking care of your children and father. Just take it one day at a time. The one thing I have learned is that you just must make the best of the future for yourself, your family, and others - be the best person you can be.

I'm sorry about you losing your mom and so sorry that she lived a life of darkness before her death.
I believe that your trying to cling on to childhood memories is a normal grief reaction. I think we all try to cling onto anything which connects us to our loved one. For some people it's memories, for others it may be tangible objects or even songs which bring us back to a time when they were alive. I think part of grieving involves the fear of not wanting to forget any of the memories which give us comfort which involves our loved one.
After my daughter left us, I frantically wrote down every single thing I could think of that had to do with her such as her favorite foods, what she would order at certain fast food restaurants, things she said, last movies she watched etc. etc. etc. For me, that was clinging onto all that was left of the essence of her. We don't want to let it all go.
Please do whatever you have to do to not fall into depression again. Your children need you and I'm sure your mom would want you to go on with your life as best as you can. Remember, you will see her again.
I hope I helped in some way.
Lu

I'm so sorry you lost your Mom.

about "going back":

Many years ago, when I in a miserable marriage & was under a great deal of stress, I had a recurring dream.

It was a beautiful, blue-sky day, cool weather, all the trees were green, & I was in the little lane in front of my grandmother's house.

The house was freshly painted, sunshine glinted off the sparkling clean windows.

(In reality, the house had been abandoned & finally was condemned & torn down.)

I went to the front door & knocked, to see who was living there now...

& my grandmother (in reality, she had been gone for a number of years) opened the door & laughed & said, "Sylvia! I was in the kitchen; why didn't you just come on in?"

Amazed, I would walk in, & see that the Dearborn heater was warming the living room.

The linoleum (worn out for as long as I could remember) was vivid & shiny.

The kitchen was bright & beautiful & smelled fresh.

Coffee was brewing.

Sunlight *poured* into the windows.

I had that dream over & over for a while, & then, once things got better, I never had it again.

so I think it's good to "go back" to a happier time:

Our brains/bodies/cells know what we need & strive to get it for us.

One thing I *strongly* encourage you to do is contact the doctor from whom you got your depression meds/treatment;

times of grief & stress make everything worse, & if depression is the weak link in your system's armor, it's likelier to attack when you're grieving or under stress.

Take care of yourself,
remember the past, &
live in the present.

Hold your children close & love them, & realize that the best way to honor your mother is to live well & raise her grandchildren to be strong & healthy & loving people.

They are the next links in her chain of life.

I wish you the best.

It is amazing HOW much we have in common. My mom died on August 20, 2007. It was very unexpected - we were actually on vacation together at the time. I woke up on the morning we were to leave and she had passed away in the bed during the night. We were supposed to be on a "girls weekend" and it turned out to be my worst nightmare. She was 69.

I am an only child, for the most part. I have a half-brother from my father's 1st marriage but we never ever talk our relaationship went sour many years ago. I also have 3 children, ages 9, 6 and 3.

I have found myself wishing I were a child again also. It brings me comfort (and tears to my eyes). I guess I should be glad I have those memories and feelings to fall back on. Sometimes I wish I could just hug her one more time, hold her hands, tell her I love her and thank you for all she did. BUt I know even if I had that chance - I would not be satisfied - I would want it more.

Honestly, every day is a struggle - some harder than others. Things just are not the same. The kids are a blessing though - as I am sure you can identify. They make you go on - it is hard to sit and sulk with children calling your name.

I wish I could share some miracle cure - some method to make things better.

I just wanted to share to let you know our experiences are very similiar. Our moms passed at the same time. It is still so very very hard for me also. You are not alone. The more I read and talk to people, I've come to realize it will really never get better - you just get used to the idea. When I read people posts who have lost their mom 10 years ago, I realize the pain never ever goes away.

Take Care.

Wow, how similar are my feelings!! I think often of the house that we lived in from when I was 3 until 13~. A few weeks after my mom died last year, my brother and I walked around the old neighborhood. It was like being sucked into the '60's again....I will gaze at the photos we took, and try to recreate the inside of the house in my mind. What you're feeling is absolutely normal...I find myself at work looking at the online calendar and turning the calendar back to the times when I was living at home and had happy times.....I'm longing for my childhood too, but you know, being with people who love you kind of helps you overcome that urge to do that..Love to you, and know we are all here to help..

I am going to the cemetery tomorrow to put flowers on Mother and Daddy's graves. Daddy died in May 1965 and Mother died on April 16, 2004. I was 65 and Mother was 89 when she died, unexpectedly, to me, at least...but common sense said she couldn't live just on and on, though that's what I had planned. :) Mother was 80 years old when her own Mom died at 103 years of age. She told me she went back in memory to her childhood after Granny left, so she could see the farm and the farmhouse the way it was when everyone was living and relatively young. It gave her a great sense of peace. I do the same thing to this day, and find it helps when I am way down.
I sometimes see women out with their elderly mothers(guess I am elderly too now)... and I admit I get a twinge of jealousy; I was just getting ready to retire and spend more time with Mother when she died; so I feel cheated I guess. I know Mother is in Heaven, without a doubt, and so I just think of her alive and happy there. The minister said she was probably sweeping the streets of gold and saying, "We need more flowers over on Hallelujah Avenue.." sounds like her too. We all miss our parents when they leave this earthly abode, and there's no getting around it. Just cherish their memories and be as happy as possible; after all that's what they wanted for us, isn't it?
I am blessed with four children, so I know how my parents felt about me.
Take care
MHB