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Sudden Death of Husband

Posted by Jennifer0987 (My Page) on
Mon, Jan 2, 12 at 15:46

I recently suffered the loss of my husband on November 25th from a massive heart attack. He was 37 years old. We were married for 8 years and have 2 wonderful kids (7 and 5). Christmas and New Years was hard. I still suffer guilt. I'm not entirely sure how much time passed before my husband told me about his symptoms, but we at first had thought that it was indigestion. We ended up driving to the emergency room that was 1/2 hour away. He suffered cardiac arrest on the way there. There are so many "what ifs" that go through my mind and just gnaw at me. Even though the pathologist had said that 911 would not have helped him, I still think about all the "what ifs"...feeling that I could have done something to save him. I don't know how to get through this.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Sudden Death of Husband

You could not have saved him so do not blame yourself at all. I am very sorry for your loss, I know first hand myself a widow of only 4 months. I've been reading alot of the books for widows and it has helped some. I also go to a grief share group. Nothing will change things but every little bit will help you. Its a long hard roller coaster ride, nothing is easy about any of it. You can't do the "What ifs" that will only hurt you. You can check out the website below, there are many people in our boat. It does help to know your not alone.

(((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))

Here is a link that might be useful: widowed village


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RE: Sudden Death of Husband

My husband also suffered from "heartburn" on a Friday. I begged him to go see a doctor during the day. He wouldn't go and then later that evening agree to go the next day. He had a heart attack early Saturday morning. I called 911, performed CPR until they got there. At the ER, all efforts failed and I lost my devoted husband and best friend.

I too blamed myself until his doctor explained that there was nothing anyone could have done. Please don't do the what ifs. Be kind and gentle to yourself. Let yourself move through the days the best you can. I found that staying in the moment was the only way to survive this tremendous loss. My heart goes out to you. This is day number 53 and I am going back to work for the first time this morning. All of this takes time.


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RE: Sudden Death of Husband

I'm so sorry for your loss of your husband and best friend. There was no way on earth for you to know what would happen; the feeling of indigestion is such a common thing, something serious just never comes to mind for an ordinary person. I play the "what if" game too, and being told to not think "what if" just doesn't work, because only you can stop yourself from doing it. Nobody can say or do anything to lift that burden of thought but you.

You'll need incentive to stop yourself, and that incentive is near you. Your beautiful kids need a full attention mom who has nothing blocking her actions or shadowing her every move and thought; let your love for your children and your husband, be your incentive to stop "what if."

You know in your heart that your husband would not want you to torture yourself this way. You can do it, it just takes time, death no matter how it happens, takes a while to learn to live with.

Peace and hugs to every one in the forum.


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RE: Sudden Death of Husband

Thanks everyone. It's been hard. Even though the kids are around, there's a silence there where I can't help but think. All your words of comfort help, but I wish it was easier to banish the "what ifs" from my mind...they keep creeping up. The autopsy will be in soon. I want to know, but I'm scared that it will tear me apart.


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RE: Sudden Death of Husband

Oh I am sorry to both of you for your loss. YOU are not in control of really anything but the love you create and give and even take in life. YOU know you would have sought care has you truly known how sick he was. YOU can not allow thoughts like these to discourage you, admit they are there but do not give in to them. This will take time and you will feel better. Concentrate on your family and take each day one at a time. sometimes too you may have to take each hour by hour to get by. Most importantly, draw nigh to him(our glorious Father) and he will draw nigh to you. He gives all comfort if you allow him too-you can not do it alone. Share the burden with others too. Thinking of you!


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RE: Sudden Death of Husband

Jennifer,

Please accept my condolences. The truth is that if you would have know what would have happened you would have done something different but the outcome might have been the same, as the doctor mentioned. I read losing your mate really involves more than simply living without a husband, it may seem like you may have lost your identity, feeling vulnerable, and insecure. Nobody can fill the void left by your husband but you can draw especially close to "the Father of tender mercies and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation." (2 Corinthians 1:3,4)

We can be sure that God's government will soon eliminate all causes for sorrow, including death. We are promised in Revelation 21:3, 4 "He will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore." Not only are we assured that there will be no more death but we also have the promise that we will see them again!. "The hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out." (John 5:28, 29) By putting faith in this sure hope you will find it a source of great comfort, you can truly find peace.

There is much in the Bible that helps us get close to God but there is effort to be made just like any friendship that we cultivate. I truly hope Jennifer that the Bible serves as a source of comfort as it has to me.

Kind Regards,

Ada


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RE: Sudden Death of Husband

I just was told about this forum over at the Kitchen Table forum....and oh my can I relate to what they all called
"indigestion". My DH was called to him eternal home on New Year's Eve and the 6 weeks "shock period" is worn off...and has hit me in the face big time!

Ada, I appreciated your words also that you sent to Jennifer...and Jennifer I am sorry for your loss also.

I'll post more at another time....but if you care to read my posts, they are over on KT under "reality has begun"...under "Phoggie".

Blessings and let's get through this together.
Hugs,
Phoggie (Mary)


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RE: Sudden Death of Husband

Hi Mary,

I went over to Kitchen Table and read your posts. I'm sorry about the loss of your dear husband, now there is a gap where a person used to be and that is always such a challenge to overcome. Someone once told me that they felt that they were cut in two when they lost their spouse. I cannot even begin to imagine. I read a USA Today report that showed some research done by the University of Michigan that mentioned that a bereaved spouse needs at leas 18 months to recover physically and psychologically. Although you may not thing so at present Mary, each day will get better as time goes on. Also, don't be afraid to let your tears flow. Psychologist Dr. Joyce Brothers, herself a widow, likens tears to emotional first aid. Crying is a normal part of your grieving process.

You said in one of your posts in the KT forum that you have received many cards of condolence, have you written them back? Why not take some time and put in writing all the good things that you remember about your husband and the moments you shared and thank those who have reached out to you. Make an album with photographs, love letters, and notes of the good times you spent with your loved one. This will be painful at first but in the long run it will help you to heal.

I can relate to what you said that some don't say anything because they don't know what to say and I can say that I have done that once. I wish I could go back and change that. But I'm here now trying to help others through their grief by using the Bible. For me, there is no better hope since I know for a fact that the promises we find in the Bible of seeing our loved ones when they are resurrected will be fulfilled. Reading on the resurrection accounts found in the Bible and meditating on them, visualizing the events makes them more real to me.

"Time indefinite He has put their heart", the Bible tells us about God (Ecclesiastes 3:11) And He will use the resurrection to make everlasting life possible for people who have died. Psalms 37:11 says, "but the meek ones themselves will possess the earth, and they will indeed find their exquisite delight in the abundance of peace." Life in this earth under God's Kingdom rule will not be like what we are experiencing now, full of war, crime poverty, injustice, illness, and death. It will be a fulfilling and satisfying life beyond our fondest dreams.

Learning more about what God's Kingdom is, the Kingdom that we all pray for in the Lord's Prayer: "Let your Kingdom come.."(Matthew 6:9, 10), will give us a more clear picture of these future promises that seem so unattainable to us now. We just need to be focused.

Mary, hang in there, these hard times will soon be a part of the past. We all have suffered a loss of a loved one and we all here can somewhat understand what you are feeling. We hope to hear back from you soon.

Warm hugs,

Ada


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RE: Sudden Death of Husband

Ada~
I just re-read you post....and it gives me much comfort. Did you lose a husband in death?...when?...why? I "thought" I was getting along pretty well and I just got a call that my brother has been admitted to the hospital with many of Jerry's symptoms....Oh God, please, don't let this be happening again! I don't have that "protective shock" that I did a few weeks ago...that has gone and this is hitting me terribly hard right now. I just keep praying that they will get him stable and it is just a little speed bump in his road of life. He has overcome cancer and he is a fighter and what we thought was a speciman of good health.


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RE: Sudden Death of Husband

Mary,

I am so sorry. Please hold on, and I pray that your brother gets through this. I pray that you will get through this as well. Sometimes life just kicks you when you're already down, but it's amazing how we can find our strength to survive. I'll be thinking of you...and sending you whatever strength I have to you. ((hugs))

Jen


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RE: Sudden Death of Husband

Hi Jennifer: I'm so sorry for your loss, and for your 7 and 5 years old kids. I have a 9 years old girl - and if my husband (53 years old) die on me, we would have a hard time coping. For any loss, if I focus on what God, the Creator wants, rather than what I want - it helps. It also helps to think of what the deceased wants.

There are a few books on life going on after death, such as "Hello from Heaven". It's a very comforting book for the ones left behind. Heaven is so wonderful that once the Near-Deaths are shown a glimpse of it, they don't want to return to life.

Someone said that life is like a school. Some graduate earlier than others ... some are left behind because we have things to do, and lessons to learn. Jennifer, there will be always love there for you - love from us in this forum toward you, and love from your husband in heaven.

No matter what happens in life, our purpose is to be a force of love. And eventually all forces of love gravitate toward heaven, where we all shall meet in joy.


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RE: Sudden Death of Husband

I too lost the love of my life in July of 2011. I have been devastated and feel totally lost. We were soul mates. He too had indigestion the night before and got up to get ready for work the next morning. He collapsed and I tried to revive him till the rescue squad got there. They worked and worked on him but could bring him back. The ER doctor said the same thing, that even if he was there at the ER he would have died. I can't move on...I cry every day. I miss him terribly. I don't see how anything will ever be good again. I also have what I think is "survivor's guilt", that I am here and he's not.


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RE: Sudden Death of Husband

Hi Mary,

I'm so happy to hear that you found comfort in the words from the Bible. I'm here because I found comfort in those words and feel the need to share it. I did not lose my husband, I can only imagine that sort of pain, but I have lost both of my grandfathers, my uncle (whom I saw pass), and in a sort of way my dad (he left us). The pain from those deaths is what has given me also hope to someday see them in the future, in the promised resurrection from our God, Jehovah.

I'm so sorry to hear also about your brother. How is he? Is he still in the hospital?
Having one thing pile up with another is devastating. Now a days there are many things that can rob us of our loved ones natural disasters, disease, crime, and accidents. It is only human to feel frustration, loss or even anger. It is no wonder that the Bible predicted these things to happen saying, "In the last days critical times hard to deal with will be here" (2 Tim 3:1) However, even though Jesus did not give us a specific day and hour when these things will end it does give us encouragement to be prepared to endure many unpleasant situations.

Mary, keep coming here and pour out your heart this will allow you to receive a good word of encouragement. Feel free to express your emotions here in writing, this will help. The deep emotional pain that you are going through is normal and you can take comfort that not only do we here understand your pain but also our heavenly Father.

With love,

Ada


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RE: Sudden Death of Husband

Ella,

Life just doesn't seem fair. A lot of people take horrible care of themselves, but many are still living. I seem to repeatedly ask, "Why take mine?" I'm angry and jealous. Mixed in with constantly seeing articles and posters about how to recognize heart attacks, brings back all my guilt. People's words can be comforting at times, but at certain times, it just doesn't work. I think I have resolved to just let time pass and hope that the pain dulls. I still have good and bad days, and I hope the good days will eventually outnumber the bad ones. And when I have bad ones, I just allow my myself to get angry and cry. Heck, I even took off from work today...I just couldn't get out of bed. I'm allowed that, and people do understand. Take your time to grieve...your pace, little steps. If you want to stand still for awhile, that's ok too. It's not going to be easy, but I'm sure there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Take care of yourself.

Jen


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RE: Sudden Death of Husband

Jennifer & Other widows, I wanted to let you know I just made a page for "Just Widows". It has my story and thoughts, resources, books and other places to go to. Take a look, I hope it will be of help to you and others.

Here is a link that might be useful: Just Widows


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RE: Sudden Death of Husband

Jennifer-Thank you for your thoughts and good wishes. I don't think I am any better today then I was in Feb. when I first posted. I miss him so much. I realize what I miss the most is the companionship. We liked doing things together and just "hanging out" when we had time. I am trying to read alot and I am going to a session at the local hospital this week for grieving spouses. Thought maybe it would tell me if I am where I should be or maybe doing better than I think I am. Thanks again.


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RE: Sudden Death of Husband

Such a sad story and a shock to realize how incredibly common that type of loss is from a heart attack. I cannot begin to imagine the grief and sadness you are experiencing, all of you, as my husband is the love of my life. I do know from losing others very close to me that in cases such as this there is simply nothing that you can do and beating yourself up with the 'what ifs' is hurting you more than you realize. I am so very very sorry for your loss and hope that with time you'll forgive yourself for something which was out of your control.


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