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I wasn't prepared...

Posted by mav63_2007 (My Page) on
Wed, Jan 10, 07 at 13:17

My DH passed away on Thanksgiving morning in a Hospice after an 18 month, very painful, struggle with pancreatic cancer. We knew that every day was a gift and that the day would come when we would have to say goodbye but it happened so suddenly. He hardly ever complained about his burden and he worked until the morning he went to the hospital for the last time. He was my husband, lover and best friend for 37 years, my wonderful man cooked cleaned and had crafted every piece of furniture in our home (he was a builder and cabinet maker). I miss him so much and still love him so much. I find that I can make it throught most of the days because I work but at around 9:30 in the evening the flood gates just open, sometimes gently and sometimes violently. My life will never be the same but I promised him I would be brave but oh how hard it is to be brave.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: I wasn't prepared...

Oh, dear one, I ache for you and with you. You are being so very brave, by simply going to work, facing people, coping, breathing. Bravery doesn't mean stoicism, rather, look at some synonyms of the word: courage, fortitude, intrepid, spirited. Think of the sheer strength of character you are demonstrating every day by simply carrying on, and listen carefully for the "Attagirl!" I'm certain your darling DH is saying to you.

I lost the love of my life, my DH, 16 months ago, under similar and heartbreaking circumstances. So I know what you have accomplished so far, and how far you've come. Continue to reach out, as the comfort and understanding is there for you, and I urge you to seek some ease through a grief counseling group or therapeutic circle of friends or your minister. All these things will help with isolation and loneliness. And, of course, keep writing here. Believe me, we ALL have been there and will help hold you high.


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RE: I wasn't prepared...

Thank you Kaye for your kind words. Going back to work was very hard but I visited my office the week before so that I would be in control of how long I could listen to everyone expressing condolences (on the advice of a friend)then I started in the middle of the week so that the first week wasn't long. I have signed up for a grief counseling group which starts in Feb. I still can't come to terms with the fact that I will never see him again on earth.


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RE: I wasn't prepared...

You're doing well, Mav. It's very early yet. Your friend gave you good advice about your job.

Evenings/nights are always the hardest, it seems, no matter what sort of trouble we deal with. Please remember that there is nothing wrong with crying in fact, it's a healthy thing to do. Even now, if I go too long without a "good cry" grief will build up and manifest as pain in my joints and muscles. An uninhibited cry can bring relief.

Best of luck with the grief counseling group. It sounds like a good idea.

Susan


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RE: I wasn't prepared...

Mav, EMAIL ME IMMEDIATELY so we can talk! My husband was diagnosed with pancreatic and liver cancer four weeks ago - we NEED each other! Please put 'Garden Web friend' in the subject line so I don't delete the message.

When you email me, I will give you my phone number and we can support each other - I am SO SCARED!

Please accept my sincerest sympathy - I feel so bad for all who must suffer through this horrible cancer!!!


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RE: I wasn't prepared...

I am so sorry about your husband's cancer,there isn't much I can say about it but I urge you to forget everything you thought was important in your life and concentrate on just the two of you. If you have the means then do all the things you every wanted to do, say all the things you wanted to say, especially I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. I will pray that God will bless you both.


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RE: I wasn't prepared...

Mav, I received your email and have sent a reply - thank you!


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RE: I wasn't prepared...

Mav, my husband passed away a short 6 weeks ago. He had metastatic colon cancer. I had been his primary caregiver for the past 18 months. We too had called hospice in at the end, and though we were asking God to take him and not let him suffer any longer, when he passed, it was like a limb had been taken from my body. I miss him more and more every day. My life seems totally meaningless right now and I'm not sure how to get it back on track, the sorrow just takes over. I too have enrolled in a grievance recovery program that starts in February. Please know I will keep you in my prayers.


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RE: I wasn't prepared...

Cindy, I am so sorry for your loss, there isn't anything I can say to you because mine is only 6 weeks too however, I do find that talking about him with friends and neighbors who knew him is a big help. Some people are afraid to mention his name (Bob) for fear of upsetting me but when I talk about him it seems to keep him near. Also talking to him because I really believe that he is with me, when I say my prayers I ask him to watch over and guide me and our family. You will hear and read on this forum that the pain never really goes away but I hope it gets a bit less painful after time. God Bless you. Mavis


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RE: I wasn't prepared...

Dear kayjones, I received your email but it is on my computer at work and we had yesterday off for MLK day. I begged God for a miracle and he gave us 18 months. In that 18 months Bob was in a lot of pain but he kept going, he did a great many things that he had always wanted to do and he bought a lot of "toys" that he had always wanted,he didn't sail the world or angthing like that, just simple every day things that he enjoyed. He packed as much as he could into the time he had. I took off from work as much as I could get away with and we did things together. My heart went to heaven with him because it was broken anyway but I expect it will be patched up and will come back some day because I am going to need it as our grandchildren grow up. I hope I don't sound crazy, just sad. Hold tight to you beliefs and your family and I will pray that you will get that miracle you asked for because I know that God still does miracles. Hugs and prayers for both of you. Mavis


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RE: I wasn't prepared...

Dear Mavis ~ I am so deeply sorry for your loss. May you feel God's loving presence surrounding you and may his strength flow through you as you continue to live, a different life than the one you had. Just take each day as it comes and do what you can. Grieving takes time, we are all different. Bob would be proud of you for doing what you can. He knows you love him and miss him and that is natural. Crying is good for you physically and spiritually.

Kaye820 ~ My heart goes out to you also. Such changes you ladies are going through.

Susan ~ Bless your heart, tears unleash so much.

KayJones ~ Prayers are going out for your husband at this time. May you feel God's love and strength flowing through you as you are his caregiver.

Cindy ~ I am sorry for your loss as well. But remember, your life is not meaningless now, it's just different. It is alright to grieve. Grieving is different for every person. May the grieving recovery program be of great help to you.

Dear Ladies ~ While I am not a widow, my heart feels your pain, my eyes fill with tears at your stories. DH and I have been married for 37 years and we do talk about the possibility of death of one or the other of us and know it would be horrible for either of us left behind.

You all are in my thoughts and prayers along with our dear Aunt Ruthie who lost Uncle Wilbur a little over a week ago after 60+ years together.

If any of you would like to email me just for a friend to chat with, please feel free. You can try emailing me through GW, if that doesn't work, let me know and we'll get connected somehow.

Love, hugs and prayers ~ FlowerLady


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RE: I wasn't prepared...

Thank you flower lady for your kind words, we too were married 37 years and we dated for four years before that. I am happy that you and your dear husband are still together and for many more years I pray. It has been two months and I am slowly learning that life is still worth living and I know that we will be together again in heaven.


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Hello Plant Lady

I have been trying to reach you my e-mail but each times it comes back???
I am sorry that I didn't reply right away, I am just becoming able to talk to people without breaking down. How is your dear husband? I hope things are going well so far. My husband and I had 18 months together after his diagnosis, they were the best of times and the worst of times, we did things we had wanted to do but he did them through his pain. There isn't much I can tell you but if you have any questions I will try to answer them. I pray for both of you for the strength to get through this, please let me know how you are doing.
Mav.


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RE: I wasn't prepared...

Cindy and Kayjones, how are both doing? I am begining to return to the world.
Kayjones, how is your husband, I've been praying for him, please let me know?
Cindy, are you getting ready to return to the world?
I went to England for two weeks to nurse my sister through a gallbladder operation and I only cried in bed but when I got home (5 days ago) I haven't stopped crying since. My sister (her husband is still with her) tells me that all I have to do is talk to friends and family and keep myself busy to keep my mind off it, she doesn't realize that I could be in a crowd of family and friends but Bob isn't there and there is no way to keep my mind off him. I can't believe it has only been 3 months, they have been the longest 3 months of my life.
Hugs to all.


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