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Tell us about your deceased child

Posted by azsummer (My Page) on
Mon, Jan 26, 09 at 12:30

Hello all. My name is Lori and my only son Taylor died in a tragic (and preventable) drowning accident a few years ago. Taylor was 17 and a child with an old soul. He was smart, articulate, kind, humorous, athletic and most of all, my only son. *sigh*

Unfortunately, Taylor died when I was at an age where I was unable to conceive anymore children. I do regret not having more children. I have a surviving daughter who is now many states away attending college. I am blessed that she has survived this and is thriving. However, it has taken her years to become the silly little girl she was before Taylor died.

Please tell us all about your wonderful child that has passed. Also, any advice that you have to pass on to the newly bereaved parents that visit this website. I will start. I hope this thread will give other grieving parents an idea that they are not alone in their grief and that our community will support them as they travel down this journey of grief.

Just copy and paste to the next post and add your own information.

Name, age, cause of death & date of death of deceased child (or children) - Taylor, he was 17 when he hit his head and drowned while fishing. He died on July 17, 2005.

Other children and ages: Brooke, she is 18 now, she was 14 when Taylor died.

Married, single, partner: I am married and have been for 21 years. Marriage is "different" now.

Where you live now, where your child died: I now live in Pittsburgh, PA. My son died the same week we were moving from Arizona to PA!

Where your child is buried or other: We keep Taylor's ashes next to our bed. We have a memorial plaque for him at the Hanson Memorial Park in Scottsdale, Arizona.

Did you have a funeral, memorial, or other: We had a memorial with a picture of Taylor on stage because his body was under water for two days. We had a private viewing where he was placed on a table (gurney) in his favorite shorts, t-shirt and sandals. We held him, kissed him, layed down next to him and touched him. We took a few small cuts of hair and put them into a plastic bag. He was cremated and his remains are in a wooden box which we keep on the night stand next to our bed.

Did you receive counseling: I did for about two weeks, but I realized that the grief expert did not "get it" since she had no idea what I was going through. Talking to other bereaved parents has been the most beneficial.

What has helped you cope the most: Online support groups and forums. Not enough support group meetings where I live. Compassionate Friends has one meeting once a month but it is an hour away. Hospice has some, but most of those parents had been prepared for the death of their child, I felt very much the odd man out.

Did you start a foundation or tradition after the death of your son/daughter: We started a non-profit organization called The Taylor Fund. We help underprivileged children through various means. We have a golf outing that raises money each year. We try to do this on or near Taylor's death date.

Advice: All I can tell you is to give your grief respect. Don't try to be brave or strong. Understand that you are no longer the same person you were before your child died. You are now a new person and and have been fundamentally changed forever. I have found that people who have met me after my son died are easier to be around because they do not expect me to "get over it" or go back to being the "old me."

Faith or lack thereof: I was spiritual, sorta of Reform Jewish, (inactive), My husband is Christain. My children were brought up celebrating many different holidays. I am much less of a believer in G-d then I was before Taylor died. I look for signs of life after death, and feel that there is no right religion, maybe even no g-d, but an energy force that lives on. At least I hope so....

Website of your child, or one you would like to share: www.TaylorBurgstahler.memory-of.com

I hope this helps others realize they are not alone and that this site and others are available online to support and lift you up through these dark and lonely days.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Tell us about your deceased child

Lori, what a wonderful idea for bereaved parents to share their stories about their beloved children. A thread such as this has such potential for sharing and consoling.

Name, age, cause of death & date of death of deceased child (or children) - Joey, 41 years old, died of a heroin overdose on September 4, 2008.

Other children and ages: 3 daughters, ages 40, 44, and 45.

Married, single, partner: I am married and have been for 45 years.

Where you live now, where your child died: I live in Massachusetts where my son died.

Where your child is buried or other: We keep Joey's ashes in our home.

Did you have a funeral, memorial, or other: We had a brief memorial service at the funeral home. We took a few small cuts of hair and put them into a plastic bag. He was cremated and his remains are in a wooden box which we keep in the living room.

Did you receive counseling: I am presently seeing a therapist 1-2 times a month.

What has helped you cope the most: Online support groups and forums.

Did you start a foundation or tradition after the death of your son/daughter: I donate to our favorite charity, a local soup kitchen, at Christmastime in Joey's memory.

Advice: Live one day at a time. Try to do something for yourself every day. Stay active and keep busy as best you can. Don't force yourself to socialize right away; people just don't understand unless they've walked in our shoes. Talk about your beloved son or daughter to people who truly care; let them know how you're hurting. Don't try to hide it. Have faith that we will be with our child again someday.

Faith or lack thereof: I'm confronting my faith right now. I'm trying so hard to believe that my son is at peace with a higher power in heaven. His death has truly been a test of faith.

Website of your child, or one you would like to share: None.

Joey's mum.
Katy


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RE: Tell us about your deceased child

Dear azsummer, I am so sorry for your loss. Bless your heart, I will keep you in my thought's and prayers.
Now for why I am writing on the thread. My DH lost a child when he was 18 months old to a bath tub accident with his first wife.

Name, age, cause of death & date of death of deceased child (or children) - I can't remember his name right now and don't want to ask my husband. 18 months old, bath tub accident. It has been 22 years ago.

Other children and ages: Nick 24 older brother

Married, single, partner: Divorced and remarried to me 7 years now.Nick was 14 when we met, 16 when we married.

Where you live now, where your child died: He lived in California, now living in Texas

Where your child is buried or other: They had him cremated and spread his ashes in the ocean. Husband is retired from the Navy.

Did you have a funeral, memorial, or other: Had the memorial on the boat.

The family did have counseling through the Navy.

The problem the family had was not being able to let go. Blaming my husband for it happening cause he was the one watching the children while mom was shopping.

I feel as if I have to walk on egg shells when talking about the news, like when I hear of a child dying. He cannot stand being around children around the age of 18 months, they scare him, he fears something will happen. My grandson was a year old when we met and whenever he was around I noticed my husband was on pins and needles, I had to ask what was wrong and he told me he's scared of them hurting themselves like his son.


Katyrose gives good advise. It is a one day at a time healing. It's ok to have a good cry than pick yourself up and doing something you enjoy. Maybe you love gardening or reading. I know it's hard.

I am having a hard time dealing with my father who's in a nursing home and not doing well so I've taken to keeping myself busy and it helps me.

Katyrose, I am so sorry for your loss and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers too.

My daughter had used meth and she was very bad at one point and I feared I would loss her. I know the pain of having a child on drugs and I hate drugs so much you can't believe the rage I feel about drugs. Not the person just the drugs. If drugs were not there we'd all be living better but that's not the case.


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RE: Tell us about your deceased child

Thank you everyone for sharing, I hope others can share also.

Here is a link that might be useful: Coping with the loss of a child BIG help


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RE: Tell us about your deceased child

I;m so glad I found this forum today.
I lost my beautiful son Brian just over 3 months ago. he died Nov. 22nd 08
it was just after midnight and he was driving his date home when he was hit head on by @#$% showing of his car.
Brian was only 18 years old and I am so devastated!!!
he had just graduated high school only 5 months earlier.
He had everything in the world going for him.
His date lindsey is recorvering well, I would say thank god but i no longer believe.
my son died saving her life.the police said Brian did everything he could to get off the road without crashing into this huge wooden planter.
he could have gone off the road and he might have lived but she surly would have died.
the @#$%ing monster still hasn't been arrested and i am so full of rage and sadness.

I am married to my high school sweet heart Ricky we have 4 surviving kids
Jenny age 26
Rick age 23
Rose age 17 Was 16 when it happened
John age 15 was14 when it happened

rose and John just had birthdays and all I could think was that one day they will be older than Brian.

My husband and I were so heartbroken we couldn't even help plan his funeral.
My daughter did everything.
and I know she did the best she could but I feel more should have been done.
over 600 people came to his wake.It was like a horrible blurry dream. I really can't remember much.
It was so over whelming. all these people, alot I didn;t even know all wanted to hug me and express ther condolenses
even his kindergarden teacher was there.
and I promised Brian I would not embarress him so kept my "game face" on but the whole time I just wanted to scream my head off.

Brian was the kind of person who made friends everywhere he went.
I'm glad with all my heart he was so loved but I'm still freaked out
It was so over whelming. I still can't leave my house.
I feel like everyone is staring at me.
I know they're not.
I never went back to work.
It's only been a few months but I feel so bad.
I hate laughing i feel so guilty that every time I have a "good day"
i just punish myself for the next few days.

We buried Brian the day befor thanks giving.
His birthday was the day before xmas eve.
I wanted him cremated because I can not bear to think of his beautiful face rotting in that box. his father brothers and sisters refused.

I have not visited his grave since valentines day and i told my husband i'm never going there again.
his grave is covered with dead frozen flowers stuffed animals letters pictures and un opened xmas and birthday presents it looks like a garbage dump.

people say the stupidest things like what a nice gadrden he'll have.
I can't dig in the soil knowing my little boy is in there.

I no longer believe in god
My son was such a great kid.
he was all boy. If there is a god why my son?!!!
why not the @#$% that did this to him.
and why isn't he aressted?
He had 3 other kids in his car( the @#$%) all including him were in the hospital for weeks one boy(not sure if this is a roumer) is in a wheelchair for life.

and all the roumers are so @#$% crazy.
I'm sorry this is so long.
I have no one to talk to .my so called friends don;t understand. I still can;t talk on the phone.
I spend my days all alone crying.
I know Brian would not want me to be this way but i just can;t stop.
Thanks for listening to a mothers broken heart.
Laura
i'm sorry if i sound crazy but i am so lost.


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RE: Tell us about your deceased child

Dear Laura,

I send you heartfelt condolences for the loss of your son. I feel your pain and know what you are going through. You will find a vast amount of support on the following website:

http://www.otrib.com/community/forums/?CategoryID=3&page=1

This link will bring you to a group of people who have all lost their children. After the loss of my son, I have found tremendous comfort with these great folks.

Love,
Katy


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