I don't know where to post this, but need your help

16 years ago

I just don't know where to turn to help my sister...she is the one grieving, but there's even more. She is 77, moved here with her husband 2-1/2 yrs ago after leaving her homeland....New Orleans because of Hurricane Katrina. She and her 82 yr old husband lost their home and all material possessions. They were married 61 years...They headed in our direction with their son and wife. They stayed with us for a couple few months. In short, I am a caretaker and took on helping them with every need, lodging, comfort, support, medical, insurance, FEMA, apt hunnting, social security, and whatever it takes, etc. I don't regret one bit of it. It got worse. After many tributions, falls, broken hip, wrist, rehab, my BIL died in 2007, after the return of a vengeful skin cancer. It has been a sad situation. My sister now lives alone in a one bed room apt, about 10 miles from us, has had medical issues, but tests come out negative...probably stress related. Her son has his own health issues, cirrhosis and Hep C, and emphysema. He and I are the only two she will call on. My husband and I have no children, but he does have his own business which is our livelihood. The daughter in law has finally gone back to N.O. It was really not a functional marriage. To top it off, my sister does not drive, so she depends on me or my nephew, who is struggling with his own health and life issues. We know she is grieving but don't know how what more to do. I want to get back to living but can't just not help. She won't search out contacts through the available resources, i.e., senior services, referrals. We have suggested an adult living housing arrangement for 55+ yrs, but says it's too far from us.. and she would not see us as often. That would be about 40 minutes away. She has not been open to housing that offers their own transportation. She could possibly go back home and even get her old job back. But there is no immediate family there, but there are friends and a job. Of course, the city has high crime.....Help....it's so hard, especialy, for her to accept the things that have happened to her. Please share your thoughts.

Comments (5)

nikkiandjacksmom
16 years ago
hello
I can understand your situation. My dad died in 2005 suddenly and very unexpectedly. My mom and he were married 39 years. He was only 68 and now my mom is a wreck. She moved out of her apt. because she couldnt afford it with my dads income cut. Then she moved in with me and my husband and 2 kids. It was disasterous. I love her very dearly but we just clash. She is now living with her older sister. She has bad anxiety. She is depressed but wont admit it and she is convinced she is sick. The doc put her on meds but I dont think she takes them. Anyway it seems she quit living life and she doesnt even want to help herself and it makes hard on everyone around her. She drives but she wont work or join social activities. She is only 65 but is acting like a 4 yr old who needs looking after. I dont know if something triggers this behavior when someone is thrown a bad apple in life. Like your sister, one day, they had normal lifes and the next day everything was gone and I guess its very hard to try and start over. I worry very much about my mom. I think she has no will to live anymore. I quess we just have to be there for them and try and help when we can. I wont go out of my way anymore and I told my mom she needs to start living again. They are the only ones who can help themselves. I dont know if this helps you or not but I just wanted to let you know that you and your sister are not alone. Alot of people are put in life changing situations and you just have to make the best of it. ZGOod luck and God Bless
sylviatexas1
16 years ago
Gosh, what a lot of sorrow your poor sister has had.

There's a Caregivers Forum that might offer some more perspectives or advice.

I wish all of you the best.
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This sounds eerily similar to the saga of my brother and sister-in-law. Their youth, the baby, our dedication to them all (specifically the baby) and yet time and time again she used my nephew as bait to make us jump through hoops. And we jumped - over and over and over again. After about five years of threats on her part, despair and terror on ours, it stopped. I don't know exactly what happened, if perhaps she finally matured or if she finally realized that no matter what horrible thing she did to us we would continue to keep the peace in order to be a part of their and my nephew's life. Back then I would grit my teeth and smile but deep down I truly hated her for what she was doing. Now she is my best friend. It was difficult but well worth the fight.
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Dad has GOT to take a more active stance. Bio-Mom doesn't get to dictate all of the terms just because she has primary custody. The problems you describe are serious, and heading down a nasty, difficult road. If Bio-Mom doesn't change her ways, this child will be one of those 'never grow up, live at home' adults who can't hold down a job or maintain an adult relationship. I know Momma loves her 'baby', but it's going too far, waaay too far. Is there any indication that the child isn't capable of doing for himself? Any signs of a developmental disability? Since he's old enough to be in school, I'd schedule a conference with his teacher. Or rather, I'd make sure your husband does it, then show up there yourself "to be a supportive wife and stepmother." It'll be walking a tightrope, but it's necessary. See what types of difficulties he's having in school, of if he's able to cope there, but just not at home. Whether or not to include Bio-Mom is a tricky issue -- Maybe talk to the teacher first on the phone so you get an idea of whether or not she has the same concerns you do? If she does, let her be the one to take the lead with Bio-Mom on ways to encourage independence and self-reliance. If the teacher isn't concerned, it could be that stepson's behavior is specific to your household -- which would be a whole 'nother can of worms. (If you have the same last name as the child, odds are good the teacher won't even know you're the step-mom until you tell her -- Which of course, you'll do at the 'appropriate' time.) There are ways to encourage a child's independence without saying "You have to do it yourself." Try showing him once, then asking him if he can do the next one. (Make sure it's something small and simple where his chances of success are near 100%.) If he's slow to comply, be 'unavailable' to help for a few minutes -- maybe "as soon as I get back from the bathroom" or "take the clothes out of the dryer" or "stir the pot for dinner." He'll probably rather do it himself than wait. Or tell him how much the 2 year old looks up to him since he's so much bigger, and ask him if he can show the little guy how to do something. (Never mind that it could be the reverse...) Letting him know what to do, then walking away and leaving him to fend for himself can be a very effective strategy. Praising small advances, looking for good behaviors to reward, and admiring 'big boy' things may also encourage the types of behaviors you want to see. Good luck - and hang in there. Above all, try to remember that the little boy's self-crippling behaviors are a result of his mother's actions, not (yet) a character trait.
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k8bg
16 years ago
It sounds like you are experiencing care giver stress. You said that your sister moved up "here", and I am not sure where here is. I live in Minnesota and here we have something called an Elderly Waiver through the counties. She would have to qualify, but if she does it can offer many great services such as bath aids, nurses, it will help pay for any needed equipment, etc. It sounds like your sister is going through a depression, and rightfully so. She has been through a lot. She will probably not be agreeable to doing many new things because she will have to face the world when she would rather crawl in a hole. Many of her "physical ailments" may also be related to depression. Trying an antidepressant might be helpful. In the end, you need to do what is right for you as well. Do not feel guilty for wanting to get on with your life. I hope this helps. I am a social worker, working with the elderly, so I have many family members that come to me feeling the way you do. I will check back again if you have any question.
kayjones
16 years ago
You can always call your state's Division of Senior Services hotline and let them know that she needs help. You can do it anonymously. The state will send out a counselor to assess her needs and help her get the assistance she requires.
alisande
16 years ago
Difficult situation; you have my sympathy. The Caregivers forum suggestion was a good one.

Is she inclined to go to church? I'm not ordinarily a big fan of organized religion, but churches can serve as a wonderful community for their members. It can be a lifesaver.

I don't know where to post this, but need your help

Comments (5)

nikkiandjacksmom

sylviatexas1

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