I've watched and read this thread with interest. My mother was the victim of horrible abuse as a very small child at the hands of her father. It was physical and emotional. The emotional abuse continued until he died. My mother left me with my grandparents as an infant and lived on the other side of the country until I was 9. As she wasn't around I was unaware of the acrimony between my mother and grandfather. When she came for a visit the battles began anew with me a pawn in their war. When she moved back to the town we lived in it was all out war most of the time. As I grew older and she lived near by, she began to abuse me. Some of it was subtle and cruel mental/emotional abuse some of it was her venting her fury on me physically with several awful beatings in my teens. Mostly I was aware that I was a symbol of unhappiness for her and she unconsciously wanted to destroy me. And my grandfather never abused me, he expressed affection in his grumpy way. My grandmother told me he felt sorry for me because my mother didn't love me. So that didn't help my relationship with my mother either as you can imagine. She had another child, my half sister. She pushed me away even more and attempted to have me sent away to a juvenile prison. She nearly succeeded. Fast forward. I am an adult with small children of my own. A year of therapy in my late 20s helped me resolve a lot of the painful and conflicted emotions about my mother. The damage exists, though, and still effects my relationships. Therapy and self examination help me to be more aware and conscious of my reactions. That doesn't always keep them from happening, however. I put on my big girl pants and make no excuses. One night when she was visiting and the kids were asleep, she started talking about my grandfather and told me the full tale of the vicious abuse she received and his alcoholism. She had an infant sister that died of leukemia. My grandfather turned his grief and anger on my mother who was three at the time. All news to me including the alcoholism. He was a teetotaler by the time I arrived. I sat there horrified and transfixed. That I knew nothing of this from my grandmother was no surprise as she didn't ever discuss unpleasant family events, ever. (I didn't even know about the infant who died until I stumbled on a family photo of two babies when I was 13 or so, one was obviously my mother, one was not but looked like family. I asked about that baby and my grandmother told me she had died.) How much was true? I will never know. I know my mother reinterprets events to suit her own needs. So I have to consider that. But she thinks it's true. Right then and there I forgave her all the pain I had suffered. Have I forgotten? No. And I keep both myself and my children shielded from her and have little but cursory and cordial contact. She plays obvious favorites with her grandchildren. My sister's kids get lots more attention and regular gifts. My kids understand that Nana J isn't a warm normal grandmother. But out of sight out of mind. Not perfect but not painful, either. I won't comment on your relationships, Tricia, as all families are unique. I'm simply sharing my own story of the multi-generational ripple effects of familial abuse.

Your sister's first responsibility is to her children. IMO she should not allow them to be exposed to such a hateful person and refuse to associate with the MIL. If her hubby doesn't like it, he'll have to decide whose feelings are more important, his mother's or his wife's. If he choose mommy over his wife, she and her kids would probably be better off without the whole clan. I'm sorry for being very cynical but I would not allow such treatment of my own kids either. Life's too short and our children are too important.

Glenda, I use the whey after I make mozzarella. If I carefully scoop out the curds, I don't get much ricotta, but if I'm careless and break up the curds I get quite a lot. I bring the whey to 200F and simmer it at 200F for 5 minutes, then turn off the heat and let it set. When the milk solids rise to the top after another 5 or 10 minutes, I pour the entire mixture through a sieve lined with a linen tea towel, then I pull up the corners of the towel and let the ricotta drain. Don't let it drain too long, though. I did this batch and had to add a bit of cream and some butter to make it soft enough to stuff the canoli! Yes, the dogs always get the best spots, LOL, and the ribs were the best part of the meal. Annie

stepmomneedshelp, In spite of the mother of the children not being held to some accountability, the help keeps coming. SWEEBY'S SUGGESTION IS RELEVENT BECAUSE: the people helping need to join their forces in doing what would bring this step-daughter/grand daughter/mother of the children to have a good reason to get her act together. I know that the suggestion sounds heartless, but you have to realize that a drug addict will always be a drug addict and that IF this woman is to get any better, she has to want to. She must go into a detoxification program and follow through with her recovery. Her recovery will last the rest of her life. If I were you, I would seek some answers and then talk with your husband and his parents and see if you all can be strong enough to take this bull by the horns. Whatever problems this woman has, those are the problems that need addressing while those who are helping her are able and willing to help. Those of us that have some insight know that you are going through some very trying times. Don't think for one minute that we don't understand. But unless you and your husband move away and forget about this whole thing and forget about the grandchildren -- well, then the only way you are going to get any rest over this is to HELP IN RELEVENT WAYS. The child that is so disrespectful -- not much of a reward now is it. Just like you, she is a victim. Let your heart go out to her. Continue to let her see what goodness is. Her mother has caused she and her siblings to have great unstability, insecurity, etc. Her behavier is going to reflect. If you are to continue to take care of these children, then you and everyone involved absolutely need to come together and support each other in the ways you handle the children. They will need much affection and firmness. They should not be made to hear about what a failure or how screwy their mother is -- that would hurt them in many ways. It's hard to keep some of our feelings inside, but the children will only suffer in long term kinds of ways if they are reminded about how much you or others are giving up to help take care of them. I don't know if you complain to the children, or if other people do that. But if that happens, well that can't go on. That kind of talk causes children to feel guilty for their mother's transgressions. Well, it causes all kinds of baggage. It is hurtful and cruel. There needs to be some education and organization. Do not let the mother of these children dictate to you or the rest of the helpers. Decide exactly what you will do and exactly what you will not do. The mother of these children is so unable, that you might think that you have no choices -- but you do. But YOU MUST HAVE COOPERATION from those that have healthy minds. We can't sit here and write a book and quick answers may be lacking in the kind of help you all need. Please seek help from some professionals. If you find strength in posting and being answered -- that's nice. Some people on this forum are not helpful and are very screwed up themselves -- so I don't think this is the place for you...not if it takes the place of getting the help you need. You need to have cooperation from those involved. That needs to be your focus if you want to be a part of a solution for this family. Otherwise, you can continue to watch the children and just watch this tragedy as it unfolds. Personaly, if this were my problem? I would watch the children only when the woman was going to visit her psychiatrist and her AA meetings, and maybe for doctor appointments -- those kinds of things. A night out -- no way. Best to you.