When to say enough is enough!!!! HELP????

14 years ago

We became new grandparents in Aug.(what a true blessing)his name is Tristan.Our daughter is 25 living with a very controling man who is 28. he is not the father but talked my daughter into putting his name on the birth certificate. He has been in trouble most of his life and has had a terrible home. We thought with a little love and a stable family we could change things. He has not worked in 6 months, drives my daughters car, lives in a apartment that she pays for and is becoming abusive towards us and her mostly after he has had a drink or two or four or six. My wife and I could never have children so we adopted Amanda at age 32&30(open adoption-- she sees her birth Mom every year for a week). She has had a great life-- until he met her four years ago. We are at our wits end with the non stop asking for money, car payments and so on. They have been abusive to each other in the past and we hate to see this little guy grow up living in their hell--How do we stop it without the chance of him taking the baby out of state and out of our lives to live with his mother. He has hit both my wife and myself and spent time in jail for his actions but never a sorry from him. We live a simple quiet life, I'm at my breaking point with this man---I'm not sure of what I might do if he ever touches us again. Please help!!!

Comments (6)

sheilajoyce_gw
14 years ago
What a mess. I guess I would say do not lend money to them. If they need food, buy some and give it to them. You do want to be sure the baby is well fed.

The only way she will learn is to face the negatives of this relationship without being bailed out until she is willing to divorce him. No more money. No more car payments.

Do talk to someone who knows about how she can remove his name from the birth certificate. That should be corrected.
sylviatexas1
14 years ago
Betcha a dollar this isn't the first time he's done this;
the whole story smacks of a habitual abuser.

& I'd bet that this guy "talked her into" putting his name on the birth certificate just so he would have something to hold over her head & over your heads.

When everything hits the fan, & it will, your daughter must insist on a paternity test, or she, & you, & the baby, will be hostages for life.

You need to talk to a counseller at a domestic violence shelter or hotline or something so you'll know what to expect from your daughter when you stop giving them money & such.

(She'll scream & make accusations & tell you you're mean & this guy rescued her from you, & worse-because he will have convinced her that this is the truth).

It's not her *personally*, it's just a part of the dynamics of domestic violence.

I'm holding you & your daughter & your sweet grandbaby in my thoughts & in my heart.
Related Discussions
Passages of Rose Growing, and Knowing when Enough is Enough?
Q
Comments (20)
Very good post, and it's interesting to hear what people have to say. What Suzy says is worth the most serious consideration. I'm confused on the subject. First, I've been gardening for over twenty years, and am on my third serious garden (there have been some minor ones in between), which I've been working on for about a decade now. Currently I have about 350 varieties of roses and about 500-600 plants, not to mention hundreds of other shrubs, subshrubs, perennials, and so on. The garden is currently about two acres in size and will increase a bit more before we stop expanding. All this is to explain my situation. My garden is many things to me. It's a plant collection, with emphasis on old and older roses; I'm particularly fond of the once-flowering old roses which are so little grown in Italy, and of the Teas, also little cultivated. It's my aesthetic experiment, my lifetime work of art, my form of creative expression, and I can't put into words how important this is to me. My garden is also a long term experiment in low-impact gardening. I want to see what happens if I grow roses and other plants with just water the first year, mulch, pruning, weeding, cutting the grass, and not much else. The results have been encouraging enough that I keep on going with the same basic practices. In terms of consumption, my conscience is in pretty good shape. The land the garden takes up was grassland, some of it very weedy and poor, marginal areas given over to weeds, and one part, the shade garden, was a mixture of brushy woods and swamp and the site of our predecessors' burn pile and dump. Our fertilizer is the old hay we use as mulch, a local resource which would otherwise be simply thrown away. The water the garden uses, not a lot, is balanced out by the increased fertility of the soil and greater volume of plant material growing on the land, which also inhibits landslides, which are a very real consideration on our property. I've introduced exotic plant species, but also look for and introduce local native plants to the garden. If I haven't made it clear before, this is anything but prime farmland I'm gardening on, and it would be either grass, brush turning to woodland, or weeds--all three locally abundant--if I weren't gardening there. My husband and I plan on expanding the garden, and we're in a hurry, as he's my chief labor force and is currently in his late seventies, and won't be able to dig planting holes and steer the motor scythe forever. We get poorer every year and I don't see how we'll be able to hire anybody to do the work he does now. Everyone has a limit, or so I suppose, and I suspect that mine is somewhere in the neighborhood of 600-800 varieties of roses. But I don't know whether we'll get there before our resources, of money and manpower, give out. I'm wondering if I can't borrow a horse to be a living lawn mower: I'm told they eat only grass. The money isn't that big a deal. Some people buy clothes or go to the movies or eat out; I buy plants, at moderate expense. I also give and receive a lot of plants, and this cooperative aspect of gardening is one of its aspects that matters to me. But I certainly do wonder at times why I'm dedicating my life to a garden that no one ever sees. This is frustrating, and it also offends, quite deeply, my sense of thrift. I will feel my garden has been a failure if it remains unknown and never touches anyone's life, no matter how beautiful I succeed in making it. It's too much for one person alone to enjoy. I'm familiar with the sensation of greed, and it's an uncomfortable feeling. In spite of the ambitious scale of my garden, my desire to keep working on it doesn't feel like greed to me, not quite, and I certainly have thought about the matter. Could I spend my life more usefully? Quite possibly, as the chief practical result of my decade of labor seems to be that two acres of dirt are more fertile than they were before. I could be earning money, perhaps, staving off starvation and power cutoffs in my old age. That would certainly be useful, to me at any rate. As far as the work I might do is concerned, how many people do truly useful work, work that benefits society? Would I be doing something more globally useful if I had a job in advertising, say, instead of going out right now to shear grass and vetch in my rose beds? So many questions, so few answers. Melissa
...See More
When to Say When...Enough!!!
Q
Comments (24)
I'm limited by health issues and the flat area available in my hilly garden, and those areas that are flat but too hot for roses to thrive. I've "experienced" many roses that ultimately proved unsuitable for my garden, and have had other roses in other gardens, so that I no longer have that endless longing for new roses. I think I've finally arrived at that happy point where I'm satisfied with most of the roses I have. In order to have a new rose that I really covet (and the only one I can think of now is Reve d'Or, I'd have to remove another one (Mutabilis) to make room for it and that will require some soul searching. However, that is also the only area I could place my baby Annie Laurie McDowell, and it will probably take several years for that rose to have grown large enough to plant there, so I have plenty of time to consider that issue. My main goal now is to tend to the many bands I've planted in the ground and see them grow and bloom, so that my garden will finally look the way I would wish. The problem with yanking out roses and replacing them with better roses is that the latter are band plants and the garden never looks mature. I'm really tired of that now. I've recently replanted Pink Rosette, Earth Song and China Doll, and am happy to say they're doing much better. Poulsen's Pink may be next on the list if I can find a spot for it. I'm very determined not to discard another rose that has a chance of surviving elsewhere in my garden. Most of the vacant spots will be filled with hopefully tough non-rose plants so that the actual number of roses will not increase. Ingrid
...See More
Blossom End Rot... lab says enough calcium... HELP!
Q
Comments (6)
Here's an article I wrote a few years ago which I think will help clear up some misconceptions and explain more about BER. I had lost this article, but Bets, who posts here, posted it and I was able to get it back thanks to Betsy, &&&&&&&&&& With BER there is NO problem with absorption of Ca++ though the roots. The problem is maldistribution within the plant that can be induced by a number of stresses which include uneven delivery of water, too much N, growing in too rich soil, too hot, too cold, too wet, too dry you name it. As the plants mature they can better handle the stresses that can induce BER so usually it goes away. The two exceptions are first, if the soil has NO Ca++ as confirmed with a soil test, and that's a rare condition, and second, if the soil is too acidic in which Case Ca++ is bound in the soil. Again, adding lime, egg shells and on and on can not and will not prevent BER b'c absorption of Ca++ thru the roots is OK. Paste tomatoes are especially susceptible to BER and I think someone in a post above mentioned that. If you go to the top of this first page and click on the FAQ link and scroll down you'll also find an article about BER in case some of you have never looked at the FAQ's And there's some darn good articles there as well, but I wouldn't pay any attention to the variety list b'c it's way out of date. The old information about BER being caused solely by lack of soil Ca++ has been shown to be wrong with research that's been done in the last 20 years or so, but it's going to take another generation before the real story gets into books, websites, magazines, etc. Most of the better websites already have the correct information. BER affects not only tomatoes, but peppers, squash, cabbage, cauliflower, etc., and it's a huge multimillion dollar problem for the industry, which is WHY all that reasearch was done. For instance, when tissues were taken from a plant that has BER fruits and was assayed for Ca++, the normal level of Ca++ was found, it just wasn't getting to the blossom end of fruits. And there's also a condition called internal BER where the fruits look fine, no evidence of BER externally, but when you cut open the fruit the inside is black Hope that helps Carolyn
...See More
when is enough enough?
Q
Comments (2)
>>how do you decide if and when to end a relationship? When the your partner continues to repeat the same behavior you have an issue with, and any improvements are small or nonexistent. For example, you ask BF not to communicate with BM except regarding their child. Instead of him agreeing to doing this, he makes excuses and justifies communicating with BM when it has nothing to do with their child. However, I have to say, you can't control if BM is contacting him, that's not his fault. But if he is responding to her communications and entertaining her questions, that is on him. You also should end a relationship when you see your partner regressing. For example, I dated a man with a 7 year old son. BF did not want to discipline or make his son mind. We talked about this and BF started improving in this regard. However, many times he would regress back to his old behavior. For every step he would take forward, he would take two back. Eventually I realized he was never going to truly change how he parented his son and I broke up with him. You have to realize what is "good enough" for you in a relationship and what you will not compromise on. Once you've determined that, you can decide if your needs are being met in a relationship or if you need to end it. I have to say, I've never regretting walking away from a relationship, I've only regretted staying longer than I should have. Good luck to you.
...See More
mariend
14 years ago
Talk to social services. Document everything. Make it very clear there will be NO MORE money given until he leaves. Threats -turn them in and be prepared to testify. I am sorry, but if he hit me once, he would be jail forever. Elder abuse? If you allow this to continue it will only end up with either the baby being killed or one of you. You truly need some legal advice. Change the locks, do not let DD in without someone there.
sylviatexas1
14 years ago
Marie knows what she's talking about;
don't let your daughter in unless there are witnesses.

I once "helped" an old roommate whose husband was an abuser.

called the Family Place or somewhere before I did it, evidently didn't listen to what they said!

They *told* me she'd be morose & she'd regret having left him, they *told* me she'd return to him, they *told* me she'd tell him where she was.

duh.

I had just moved to a place in a different county from where she & her husband lived, & had had my mail delivered to an accomodation address (like Mailboxes Etc; if you rent a post office box, your home address is of public record-& her husband was a detective!), traded cars, changed jobs.

I *stressed* to her that she was not to tell her husband where I lived.

came home late one night, & there he was, smirk on his face, helping her move.

I told her he was not to set foot inside my home again, that she could dam well hand her belongings to him outside.

& she sneered at me that "he told me you'd act this way, that you'd try to break us up because you're jealous".

Since we were "friends", that was that.

Although this is your daughter, you need to be prepared & to realize that you may have to protect yourself from her & that you may not be able to "save" her & you must concentrate on saving yourselves & that baby.

& if the guy touches you, call the cops;
that's assault.

I wish you all the best.
bobsyouruncle99
13 years ago
You may want to contact a family lawyer and find out what you can do legally. He/she should be able to guide you to make the right decisions.
gr8grandkids
13 years ago
Right after my granddaughter was born, I retired. My daughter said to me while she was pregnant that she didnÂt know what she was going to do for daycare and since I had planned on retiring, I offered to watch my granddaughter when my daughter went back to work. She is 16 months old now and I have watched her since she was 6 weeks old, Monday through Friday, 7:00 a.m. - 4:45 p.m. My daughter lives approximately 50 minutes from me. I get up every morning at 5:30 a.m. to drive to meet my daughter halfway so she doesnÂt have to get up even earlier for work. I drive approximately 80 miles a day. Gas is very expensive and I have been spending hundreds of dollars on gas which I cannot afford, not to mention I have already logged almost 10,000 miles on my van that I purchased used in February this year. I realize that I offered to watch my granddaughter but at the time, the cost of gas did not enter my mind. Today after once again listening to her talk about planning yet another vacation this year (theyÂve already gone on 2 this year), I tried asking her if she could at least fill my car with gas twice a month - she went ballistic and called me greedy! She said she was going to put my granddaughter in daycare and I wouldn't see her again. She brought up that she gave me some money when she got her income tax refund and that it was not her problem that I got myself in a financial bind and that I moved so far away. I responded that the money she did give me out of her income tax was almost what I spent on gas in one month. The financial responsibility for my granddaughter I feel is her parents, not mine. I am not asking to be paid to watch my granddaughter, I am only asking for assistance with the amount of money that I am paying for gas to watch her. If her parents were struggling financially, I would have never even brought it up Â I would have suffered in silence. They have a brand new car and purchased a motorcycle when my granddaughter was about 1 year old Â they spend money like there's no tomorrow! She says, she works hard for her money and she deserves to be able to buy things and go on vacations. I agree, but not at my expense. I also worked hard for over 30 years and deserve to have a nice retirement! I am not asking for full reimbursement on what IÂm spending on gas, only suggested if maybe twice a month they could fill my gas tank. I love my granddaughter very much and really enjoy her, but I simply feel used. Not only do I watch her while they work, I also watch her when they have other plans. This August, she informed me that they are going on vacation for one week so I will be watching my granddaughter. At this point, I am both hurt and disgusted at her response and donÂt even know if our relationship can be salvaged. Was I wrong to ask for help with the cost of gas? Thanks for any feedback.

When to say enough is enough!!!! HELP????

Comments (6)

sheilajoyce_gw

sylviatexas1

Related Discussions

mariend

sylviatexas1

bobsyouruncle99

gr8grandkids

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US