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21 year who is immature

Posted by salena (My Page) on
Fri, Dec 7, 07 at 9:13

There seems to be all sorts of fixs for childhood problems, but how do you fix a 21 year old who is immature. We had him tested and that word was in the drs report twice. He doesn't learn from his mistakes. He's been in 3 police altercations ending in being arrested twice. He is not an aggressive boy/man, is polite and went quietly with the police. Being his grandmother (mom and dad out of the picture) I am the one to pay bail and do all the worrying as he is NOT a candidate for jail. How does one make a 21 year old grow up? He lives with a girl and they both work, in another town. Thanks for any thoughts.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: 21 year who is immature

what immediately comes to mind: don't bail him out!!!!


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RE: 21 year who is immature

Quit bailing him out! If he breaks the law, he is indeed a candidate for jail!


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RE: 21 year who is immature

This may sound trite, but the armed services have helped many a boy mature into manhood. Right now I would not want to send a boy to the marines or Army--too dangerous--but if the boy can get into the Air Force, they are, in general, a safer alternative, and from years of observing all the services from our Army base in Germany, I have to say they provide the best living conditions for their men and families, and great training for careers.

Might be just the thing, or not.


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RE: 21 year who is immature

It wouldn't hurt to have him evaluated if he will go. My friend has a son like that, after talking it about it, we think he might be dyslexic. When he went to court he was late and he started getting ready 2 hours before the appointed time. It seems to run in his family. When his dad had a job to do, he did it his way and did it the same way every time, went the same way to the store every time he went, couldn't vary the way he did anything. There is a grandson in the family who has been diagnosed with it.


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RE: 21 year who is immature

You can't "make" anyone grow up. It's something that comes with time and sometimes circumstances. Like motivation, you can't give someone motivation but you can remove obstacles to help them become motivated.

I have an almost 21 year old who is in the same boat, my son, not a grandchild. He is about to make me a grandparent, which is why I'm here. There isn't a pill or potion to give them; there aren't any magic words. There is only the fervant hope and desire that they wake up one day and wonder why they are in the situations they're in and decide to take a different path and go in a new direction.
My son *thought* the girl was giving the baby up, they're not a couple and he realizes he's too immature to care for a human, he had enough trouble keeping a dog. I guess now that it seems that the girl is keeping the baby and he's forced to go back to that state to help her with her pregnancy we'll see.

If there was a pill or potion or incantation to perform, I would have already done it. :~)


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RE: 21 year who is immature

I have a problem similar, although, I have a son that is 20 years old. We adopted 6 children. We have one boy in medical school and one (20 year old in his second year of college). The 20 year old has become a chronic liar and he claims it is because we don't do enough for him. "We always did more for his brother." Then his grandparents got involved and also felt we were not fair to him (we know that some of his behavoir is from his grandmother trying to cause a problem by feeding him some of the concerns, like I know it's hard living with all those kids (she doesn't really care for children) Right before this began I just want to make a note, we bought him a vehicle, we are paying for his college, he lives at home and does help care for the children when we need him to. He is paid 8.00 per hour to do so. If he has plans we honor that and find a sitter. He is not used for babysitting unless he wants to for additional money. We also suggested he get a job, although he doesn't seem to be motivated to do this. he applied only two times and is 20 years old. After he lived with grandparents for only 2 weeks, they changed their minds and decided we were right. He wasn't being honest and etc. etc. He then came back home and was wonderful for about three weeks. Then right back into his same old poor behavoir. His grandmother claims she wouldn't give up on him, although, when he went to her for help, she wouldn't even let us speak to him. The story telling started again to cover up things he knew he shouldn't be doing. Again, grandparents stepped in and made it impossible for us to parent him appropriately. How do we get the grandmother out of the picture, grandfather seems to understand and is supportive. My mother has always had a controlling personality and feels she is always right. My husband has been down right wonderful for some of the things she has put us through. She is tearing away our family structure. Also, she said you just go and take care of your other kids (she isn't happy that I adopted these children instead of doing something with a career to make alot of money and make her proud). We love our family and just want her to understand we need space. We've asked and asked for her to stay out of our business, although our son always brings her back into the picture. Anyone have an answer or suggestion. We are willing and open for any. Thanks


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RE: 21 year who is immature

He may be a high-functioning autistic. My youngest son was always eccentric and very charming. But by the time he was in high school peoples reactions were 'what the hell is wrong with him?' He never worried about anything and couldn't make a plan for a day ahead of time let alone the future. After getting into many minor skirmishes with the law (police would say, gee he was so cooperative and told the truth while other kids would be unruly and swearing) we finally realized that he had Asperger's Syndrome. Since he was born in 1989 and your child was born earlier, these older kids are not diagnosed since it really came to light later than that. Tough love does not work with an Aspberger. And they don't understand it either. Looking back my husband and I realized that we each have an older Uncle on each side of the family with similar traits. My mom was shocked when I gave her some information on Asperger's and realized that her 75 year old brother must have it. You can have it, even thougH you're not diagnosed! Take a step back. If he seems different, he just may be. The hard thing about diagnosing the high functioning autism is that they are normal enough to escape detection! If they were lower on the spectrum it would be blatantly obvious. I sometimes have to remember that my son can't help some of these behaviors that occaisionally drive me crazy.


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