I think not telling the truth is a part of the problem. I have been there myself with relatives whos overwhelming negativity and resentment made us dread being around them.

Telling her the truth and setting some boundaries helped with one relative. She was able to look at her own role in the relationship realistically. The other...after years she is the same way and we have little contact right now. Sad.

If she is unable to reflect on her own behavior the best you can do is tell her how you expect to be spoken to and let her know when she is out of line it is hurting the relationship. You don't deserve that and she would likely hate being spoken to that way herself so why should you like it.

Can she hear you if you have a heart to heart with her about it? It really helped my mom to do that with an older relative who was bringing up negative things from the past first thing every time they talked. Just telling her the truth..that my mom didn't want to call if she was going to get a mean earful about something she had no power to change anyway...really helped. After the heart to heart they were able to enjoy each other again. The elder auntie didn't know how her words were being received until my mom got honest with her. She wished she'd got up the nerve to talk it out sooner.

Sometimes it makes a big positive difference to say how your being effected. Sometimes the other person simply cannot or will not hear you. It is better to try though I think.

First off, don't explain what you've been doing or why you haven't returned her calls; that is just playing into her bad behavior. You don't owe her an explanation. When you return her call, say that you got her message and are returning her call, ask, cheerfully, how she is doing. When she starts her yelling, tell her that you love her but you won't tolerate this behavior, it's rude and disrespectful to you and your family. Tell her that you will have to go now, politely say good-bye and hang up (she’ll still be yelling and won’t hear you and think you hung up on her, but you’ll know you didn’t).

When you visit, quickly greet her with a hug and a kiss, and when she starts the yelling and the negative comments put your hand up (stop) and tell her that you love her, but can't tolerate this behavior - it's hurtful and disrespectful to you and your family, and tell her you are leaving now. Then pack up and go.

Of course she'll escalate, screaming to everyone about how you treat her with such disrespect, but others probably know how she behaves. Whether they believe her or not, it’s not your problem, you are only responsible for your behavior. If necessary, you can explain that you won’t tolerate her rude, disrespectful behavior any more, and have to set limits on visits and phone calls, for that reason.

On the off chance that she actually starts quieting down, even for short periods before she launches her attacks, reward that behavior quickly with a hug and a "love you". The better she behaves, the more positive reinforcement you can give her. Eventually, you hope, all the visits and phone calls will be pleasant for everyone, and that will be it’s own reward!?

We do this with our kids, reward positive behavior, ignore negative behavior, and it works. It’s when we reward the negative behavior, with explanations, excuses, apologies, attention of any kind, that we give the other person control over us.

If her behavior just doesn’t change, and it might not, especially if she’s having some age related changes, keep the visits to a minimum, especially with the kids, keep the phone calls short and delete her messages quickly, so the kids don’t hear them. You might explain that granny is getting old and can’t stop her unpleasant behavior and try and find some good memories for them.

I had a childhood friend whose grandmother a very, very nasty woman. She finally had to go into a nursing home. Of course, her behavior got worse. I'm convinced that the staff "did her in" one night, and did everyone a favor!!!

Good luck.

No one can love on command. The more you are nagged, the less affection you feel. It is counterproductive for one person to demand love and care from another, regardless of family ties. She may never understand that, but you must. You need to control what you can control, and that's you.

I had to learn this with a MIL who was old and sick and had been manipulative all of her life. Nobody loved her and many were afraid of her. I stopped being afraid. I stopped feeling guilty for not loving her. I would not have lifted a finger for her were she not my MIL, but I did what I felt was my duty in a respectful way. When she saw that she couldn't frighten me or 'guilt' me, she even changed for the better! (It also helped that she finally agreed to go into assisted living where she was with other people; was prescribed an anti-depressive; was no longer stewing alone.)

Let your children see their mother as an adult in control. Let them see you being generous and kind in a positive way, not being cowed by unreasonable demands.

It might help if you could set up some regular times she could expect to hear from you by phone. Are there other family members who could also check in with her on a regular schedule?

The old granny now RESPECTS my friend! While I was one who told my friend to wash her hands of the relationship thankfully she didn't listen to me but took the bull by the horns instead.

Chisue, I respect your post as well. My mother took care of her second husbands mother who was a royal PITA. Sometimes I wanted her to just leave the old lady alone. My mom had to take her to her hair appointments, doctor appointments and grocery shop for her. All the while listening to her woes and how nobody was good enough to her. It was hard for my mother but being brought up a "good girl" she kept her mouth shut and did what she thought she had to do. Although I am proud of my mom I wish she would have had the gumption to stand up for herself like momj47 and my good friend. It's called "assertiveness" and it's a good thing!