She's right, you do need to stay in the background at the party. Go to the party and have a wonderful time, but don't monopolize your granddaughter. If she comes to you, pick her up, hug her, and hand her off to another grandparent, aunt or uncle who may not get to see and enjoy her very often.

I'm the only grandparent who spends a lot of time with my grandchildren ( 3 y.o boy & 8 month old girl), they now live in Texas, and I fly down every 6 or 8 weeks for a visit, but even when they lived here, I was the only one who spent regular time with them, and they know me and trust me and we have a lot of fun together. But when we've had family gatherings over the last three years, I did hang back at each one and let the other grandparents spend time with the kids. I know they are "mine" and I don't have to prove anything to anyone. Of course I was available to help out if needed, and the kids loved all the attention from all the other relatives. It was fun to spend time with the adults and let others bill and coo over the babies.

The rest of the time, you can spend as much time on the floor with your granddaughter as you want.

As soon as I read that she shut your out for 93 days, red flags went off. Why did you count the days? Most people would say for a 'few months' or 'several weeks' or 'three months', but you actually were counting the days. It suggests obsession. You should be able to go 93 days without seeing your grandchild without panicking.

The fact that your daughter is accusing you of being 'overenthused' about the baby is another red flag. You cannot use other people's babies to give your life meaning. I'm glad you have other activities with your church and your hospital, that's wonderful and shows that your heart really is in the right place. But as they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. You say you want to be the best grandma you can be, but seem not to understand that it is not about you. This isn't about you being a grandma, it's about this child...and your daughter...and your daughter and soninlaw and this child...and about ALL of this baby's extended family.

Your daughter's made it very clear that she needs more space from you, and if she's cut you off several times and have told you 3 times to back off at the party, it's clear she feels smothered by you. It does not matter if the baby likes you a lot, or even likes you best--I imagine the baby likes chocolate a lot too, likes chocolate best of green peas. But the green peas are what's going to make her grow and the chocolate is expendable.

You say you walk on eggshells around your daughter now, and this implies there's something wrong with your daughter, that she's being harsh or unreasonable. But that's not necessarily so. People also walk on eggshells when they are in unfamilar territory, such as when they start a new job and don't know the routine and office culture and their role in working and their place in the organization. It doesn't make the company bad or unreasonable because the new employee is walking on eggshells, it just means the new employee is unfamilar.

Well, you have a new role in life, grandma, and several new relationships: that with your granddaughter and also new relationships with your daughter and soninlaw. You are in unfamilar territory. And it's made even more unfamilar because you are no longer 'boss'; your daughter is, and she's showing you your new role.

Much of the role of grandparent is defined by the parents. If they have similar concepts of what it means to be a parent and what it means to be a grandparent, there's no problem. But if the parent and grandparent have different assumptions, there can be problems.

Your daughter is telling you you are overstepping, and to balance your enthusiasm she needs time off from you. Apparently increasingly long time offs. It's not in your best interest to 'not understand' what she's unhappy about. She's telling you to back off, she's letting you know that her child is not going to be your new hobby.

Take her seriously, you have a lot to lose here. Back off, and if you find yourself thinking about this baby all the time and anxious about your relationship with her, talk to a therapist. There are some unhealthy reasons people get preoccupied with babies. There's a woman on welfare in CA with 14 babies under the age of seven because she had 8 of them all at once who honestly believes she's just being the best mother she knows how and has nothing but love for children in her heart. She'll probably never be convinced otherwise, but almost everyone else in America understands there's something wrong with her.

I'm not saying there's something wrong with you. That woman is an extreme. But it's clear that your needs to be a grandmother are clashing with your daughter's need to be a mother, and possibly with this baby's other grandparents needs to be a grandparent too.

I'm sure the birthday party has come and gone since you wrote this, and I hope it went well. I hope also that your relationship with your daughter is becoming more stable as well. Good luck to you.