I’m somewhere in the Shenandoah Valley. I can’t fall asleep because my heart is troubled as my wife and I are starting to have marital problems because of my mother in law (MIL). I am about to explode and really want to ask my MIL not to come into my house for a while; forget about seeing/spending time my sons –her grandchildren. I understand there will be consequences (i.e. a lot of drama and possibly damage to my professional relationship with my father in law as we work together)

I understand this might be the wrong place to post this rant as most of you, readers, are "grandparents", but I’d actually like to hear/read your opinions.
My mother in law is driving me nuts. She is constantly out of place and assumes she has the right to raise my children "her way" as if they were her children. She doesn’t respect the boundaries. She doesn’t understand that parents and grandparents have very different roles -- and the role of the grandparents IS NOT to step on the parents’ toes! She’s a meddler and says meddling is her "spiritual gift." Where in the Bible does it say that anyways? As far as I know, the Bible doesn’t even mention the word "grandparent," let alone legalize all the meddling.

Here are a few examples:

My MIL wanted to pick the kids’ names. Excuse me? This is only the parents’ privilege. Even before my first son was born, she had strong opinions; my wife and I kept the name in secret and announced it after the baby was born. Of course she was not happy with the name, but still she WANTED TO SEND THE OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT –which is also the parents’ privilege. Days after the baby was born she started to buy, buy, buy and buy stuff for the newborn; I know she has a lot of $$, but I want to raise my children in a different way, that they learn to appreciate the little their parents can give them.

She also made my son suck his thumb and as a result he has not used a pacifier and will very likely need dental work in the future; my MIL’s lame excuse was, "I WILL PAY FOR THE ORTHODONTICS." What a shame.

Now she insists my son will be an engineer like his uncle (wife’s brother); what the hell? My son is my son, not my brother in law’s son! Besides, why is my MIL giving opinions? My kid’s career will be his own choice when he knows what he’d like to be in the future, but if anyone should recommend /influence his career --that would be his father (ME). My MIL is constantly out of place.

When my second son was born, she again, wanted to name him and send the announcement, and even though my wife tried to stop her, she did it anyways. I think my MIL refuses to "grow;" she is 61 but she still wants to be "cool grandma." She should spend time with women her age, not with women my wife’s age! But whatever she does (I don’t care), she shouldn’t come to my house when she knows I’m not here, and she shouldn’t meddle in other people’s lives!

My MIL is somewhat known as the gossiper of her church and town. Many people know she talks about everyone and tells about the lives of everybody to everyone else. I hate when I run into people that I don’t know but they know me because my MIL told them more than enough about my family. It is irritating. I constantly feel like my privacy is violated, actually I think I don’t have privacy anymore, not even at home. She calls and comes to my house whenever she wants to... unannounced! (although recently my wife asked her to come only a couple of times/week, but she MIL won't listen and still comes more than she should!)

Unfortunately, her husband won’t control his wife. He is a good guy and he and I get along okay, but I’m afraid my patience is running low and we will have some problems, this of course, because of the meddler’s behaviour.

As for my wife, she is very insecure and pretty vulnerable to what her mom says/does. My wife doesn't have many friends (*sigh*) and I think it's because her mom never let her.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want my MIL around my children. I simply don’t want her around my children anymore.

I have tried. I really have.

Does your wife agree that her mother is overbearing? What is preventing her from stopping it? Does your wife need to see a counselor who could help her behave like a grown woman, wife and mother? (As I see it, it is your wife who needs to 'grow'.)

Your MIL can't MAKE either you or your wife dance to her tune if neither of you will do it. I think your first aim is to help your wife be strong enough to enforce her own rules.

This isn't going to be easy. There will be resistance. Going along with this for many years to come is going to be much, much harder.

It sounds draconian, and I wouldn't suggest you announce it unless you both are ready to follow through, but you could MOVE to another part of the country. I have known couples who had to do this for their immediate family's sanity -- or should I say due to their extended family's INsanity?

You cannot control what she does but you can be very clear that you have boundaries that your MIL is violating extremely. You wife is giving her approval by not taking a stand with you. Your MIL is violating your marriage with your wifes approval? Get your wife some help. Then if that doesn't work, time to take a family vacation and not leave your MIL your forwarding address.

Getting anyone out of your marriage besides your wife and your self is top priority. If it were another man running in and dictating it would be a clearer answer for your wife about what needs to happen. She needs to stop the nonsense with her mom.

Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend is a widely recommended self help book that can really help your wife get a clue.

I gave the book to my mom and it helped her finally get what I'd been trying to say about feeling violated, suffocated and invisible in the face of her kind of boundaryless 'love'. Five years later we have a great, healthy relationship. God straightened our relationship out. I didn't think I'd be able to be around her again. But she did change for the better.

Give a copy to your MIL too if you think it will help but her taking great pride in violating your marriage makes me sick frankly. I'd avoid her too.

Your wife is the one to care about in your situation. Have you been as clear with her as you are in your letter here?