Hoakie, I'm surprised you haven't gotten a reply here. I really don't have much to offer except that you must be an angel to help these two children whom you have barely known. I'm sorry it is such a struggle. The kids have been through a lot, and somehow I feel that punishment will just make the 11-year-old angry and resentful. What do the counselor and his teacher say? Why isn't the possibility of being held back enough to spur him to better grades? Can he read well enough, is he strong enough in math? Does he need tutoring? Perhaps having a high schooler help him with homework after school would take some of the strain between you two. I assume he changed schools, and I wonder if this school is farther ahead than his old one, leaving a gap of learning. I'm also thinking that if he moves up a grade, it would be wise to have him in English and math summer school program to help prepare him for next year. I do get the feeling that your husband has kind of left this all up to you--quite a load! Does he spend some time with the boys on weekends or whenever he's free? That would be important, and maybe he can discuss school with the older boy. I realize I'm really no help, but I do sympathize and know how very difficult this is for you. I encourage you to seek help from your counselor, the teachers and even the principal of the school. The boys are lucky to have you.

This sounds horrible. And probably there isn't much you can do about it. However, you might google "Gentle Discipline" and learn more about this method. If there's a forum, you might present some of these problems. If there is an 'ask the expert portion" maybe you could ask also. But I doubt your daughter will be very receptive to much imput from you. I remember being in a bookstore at Xmas and seeing 2 4 years old boys running amok among stacks of books. Their mother was weakly saying, "Darling, please, darling, please". Finally, an employee told the kids to knock it off, and the mother leaned closer to the employee confidentially: "I'm so glad you said something." I also have a friend who is deaf and got a divorce and whose mother thinks her granddaughter is the poorest most put upon little thing on earth. Poor steffi, from a broken family. Poor Steffi, who mother is deaf. Poor Steffi sounds just like your granddaughter, and I have to say, now that Poor Steffi is 8, things are not going so well for her. She's a bully at school, has few friends, is disliked by teachers, in therapy, and a month or so ago this friend actually had to call the police on her daughter. (Friend lives out of state, so I don't know the whole story yet). Friends had to cut off bad-influence grandma who would insist Steffi be allowed to do whatever she wanted even as Mom was saying no. Grandma would actually fight with mom over it infront of poor Steffi. As re your granddaughter, I'd stick to things that actually affect your directly: such as the food being thrown. No one should have to endure getting food thrown at them. You may try talking to your daughter again, or maybe choose not to share dinners until Steffi is old enough not to throw food (how old would that be, btw) Also, you may want all your visiting to be done in house when your daughter is available to do the disciplining. Maybe stop taking your granddaughter on trips to the mall until your granddaughter can be relied upon to behave. My nephew did something once similar to your mall experience. He stubbed his toe (abt age 7) and fell on the ground clutching it and howling, all out of proportion to the pain even the most severe toe stubbing could cause. I stood and watched him and once when he peered out at me, I said: "What are you doing!" He said, "My toe hurts, my toe hurts." I said: "Why are you crying so much." He said, "I always cry a lot." Me: "Really? Why?" Him: "Because I'm very sensitive." Me: "Well, I'm sensitive too and that noise hurts by ears. Why don't you go in the bedroom and do it." He looked shocked. "I'm done now." Me: "Just the same, you must have worn yourself out yelling like that. You need to lay down for a half hour and get collected." I can't say we are very close, but he's not close with hardly anyone. (At age 9 he fell on the ground because his grandmother wouldn't give him ice cream at 10 am. I walked up on him thrashing about on the floor and my MIL hoovering anxiously trying to get him to stop. She couldn't even get him an ice cream because the store was closed. As I walked up to them, I heard him howl: "Who do you think you are talking to?" This coming from a 9 year old to his 65 year old grandmother. Me, I would have answered, "I'm talking to a 9 year old who's about to spend his day writing sentences. Why? Who do you think YOU'RE talking to?" But I figured it wasn't my problem, or my drama. It was between grandma, grandson and ultimately mom and dad. The boy is now eleven and not doing well, has school social workrs and therapists and may have to go to a special school for emotionally troubled kids. It's too bad. I feel for you, but I don't think there's much you can do but protect yourself furtively, and hope when the inevitable happens, it isn't too bad.

My baby is now three months old. I'm already a very different parent than I expected to be! I thought I would remain much more emotionally calm than I usually do. I'm getting better, but our baby can be so much more frustrating than I had anticipated. My sisters' babies are so easygoing and relaxed, I suppose I expected our baby to be like them. But no!! 'Relaxed' is the last word you could use to describe our Ben! He is an intense little guy and we have to work very, very hard to get him to relax and (eventually, if we're lucky) fall asleep. My sisters' babies would fall asleep after gazing at a mobile for a while.... I've learnt that babies come into this world with much stronger preferences than I thought! Ben's strongest preference is for lots and lots of cuddles all the time, which is both incredibly difficult and an incredible pleasure. I've attached a link to some pictures of our little bundle of trouble and joy! Here is a link that might be useful: Pictures of Ben

TOS, I don't need a website to tell me that the majority of kids today are in non intact families. I was surprised back when I worked for social services, how many children lived with grandparents and other relatives. I was equally shocked at how many father's had custody and uninvolved mothers. I was a single mother and I figured that there were very few mother's that didn't have custody or see their children. While KKNY can yell from the rooftops that only 10% of fathers have custody, I think that's an outdated statistic. It may not be much higher, but that doesn't mean 90% of mothers have custody. Obviously, if 4.5 million (and I still think it's higher) children live with grandparents and I saw many cases of children living with other relatives that would not be included in those statistics (as well as non relatives raising someone's kids)... when you factor that in, the percentage of mother's raising their children drops. KKNY, like I said, you can't discuss EVERY possible scenario before you get remarried. When there are children involved, you have to accept the unexpected. I guess the first rule is IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN, DON'T MARRY SOMEONE THAT DOESN'T LIKE CHILDREN. Doodle married someone with small children and it's clear she loves kids. How can you anticipate whether you will want to babysit grandkids or how often (I think most people would want to babysit their grandkids) 15-20 years from now? Nobody can look into the future and tell what will happen years or decades from now. Like I said, i am looking forward to my grandkids. I can't say for sure if I will be available to babysit when my kids want me to. I think that when you get married, the best you can do is discuss how you feel about family and look at your partner's family ties... Id family as important to them as it is to you? etc. Some families are very close while some only get together at the holiday's or hardly ever. I think it's important to discuss family in general, it would also alleviate disagreements over in laws, etc. And then since the divorce rate is over 50% (and rising), I suppose that prior to the first marriage, while talking about whether they will have kids and how many, they should start discussing who will get custody and what kind of parenting plan they might have in the future. They should discuss how a step parent will play into the equation. After all, it's more likely than not for today's children to experience their parent's divorce, live in a single parent household, and eventually, live in a blended family. Might as well discuss it before having kids. I think you are right, the more you discuss, the better. And I'm always in favor of putting it in writing. People tend to change their minds and forget what they agreed to.